by Sarah Hill
“You are mine. I hope you know that.”
“I do. You make it evident in everything you do.”
Rylie watched as a woman was wheeled from the hospital entrance by a man, she assumed was her husband. In her arms was a fluffy pink blanket, from which a tiny little hand peeked out. It was odd to think that while Del was in that same building fighting for her life, new lives were just beginning.
“Rye?” Spencer’s voice broke through her thoughts. “You still there?”
“Yeah. I’m here. I’m sorry, I got lost in my head.”
Spencer laughed. “Hey doll. You better get in there. Stalling isn’t going to change the situation or make it any easier.”
“I know,” she said, taking a deep breath and sighing. “I wish you were here.”
“I wish I were too. You’re so strong, Rye. You can do this. Get in there and give them our love. Call me later and give me an update on Del, okay?”
“I love you, Spence. Talk to you soon.” She stuffed her phone back into her pocket and turned the engine off. “Here goes nothing,” she said to herself. Opening the door, she stepped out into the cold and walked towards the entrance.
Rylie rode the elevator to the fourth floor, where Del was being kept in the ICU. As she made her way around the nurse’s station and down the hall, she allowed the whooshing and beeping sounds of machines, murmured conversations and coughs from patient rooms to numb her mind. She didn’t know how to prepare herself for what she found behind Del’s door. Would she look healthy with all her pain hidden beneath her skin? Or would her suffering be evident on her face, fighting for breath and barely able to speak? She hoped it wasn’t the latter she wouldn’t be able to bear it.
Coming to a stop in front of room 407D, she pressed her ear against the closed door and took a deep breath before knocking.
“Come in.” She heard a weathered voice echo softly from the other side of the door.
Her heart flooded with warmth as she pushed the door open and made her way around the privacy curtain with a smile. There sat Del, everything tucked in tight, except for her arms. Her right arm had several wires attached to it, connecting her to a softly beeping machine creating its own symphonic melody. In her left hand was the remote control to the room’s television. It only took her seconds to get across the room and throw her arms around the woman was responsible for giving her a future.
“Del!” It was the only thing Rylie could get out before breaking down into tears and laying her head against Del’s chest.
“My girl, what are you doing here?” Del asked, her eyes wide as she ran her hand down Rylie’s hair, trying to soothe her.
Rylie kept her head buried, knowing she wouldn’t be able to talk until her tears had subsided. She hadn’t realized how much worry she had buried inside her until she’d walked in and saw Del’s beautiful, pink cheeked face.
“There, there sweetheart. There’s no need for all these tears, I’m fine.”
Rylie sat up and looked at Del as she wiped sniffed and wiped her eyes. “You’re in the ICU, Del. You’re not fine,” she said, as a hiccup escaped from her mouth.
Del waved her hand towards Rylie and rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. It was nothing. Norm just overreacts, is all. He shouldn’t have made you come all this way for nothing.”
Rylie pulled away from Del and placed her hand over Del’s. “Del, you had a stroke. That’s not nothing. You need to start taking better care of yourself. I can’t lose you. I love you,” she said, choking out the last few words as a few more tears rolled down her cheeks, following the path left by those that came before.
Del reached out and pulled her back against her, wrapping her arms around Rylie’s shoulders. “Sweetheart, don’t start crying again. I’m sorry I scared you so badly. But I’m fine. I promise you, I am.”
They stayed that for what seemed like hours. Del, rocked Rylie in her arms as they watched the television on the wall. Rylie wouldn’t have been able to tell anyone what they had watched that afternoon because though she heard voices, she didn’t see what was happening on the little screen. Her mind wondered back to all the times Del had picked her up and kissed her skinned knees and elbows. Back to all the times she’d held her while she cried when someone was mean to her at school. She remembered all the warm cookies eaten right off the cookie sheet as they sat at the kitchen table, while Del gave her advice. She smiled at the memories of Del cheering her on as she came up with ideas for her latest book, chapter or character. She had always been there for her. Rylie couldn’t imagine a world without her. She didn’t think she’d be able to breathe if Del weren’t here to throw her a life jacket every time she’d needed one.
Rylie took in a deep breath and looked over at Del, who was enthralled with whatever they were watching. Kissing her cheek, she said, “You’ve got to stop smoking, Del.”
Del’s postured tightened a bit as she looked from the corner of her eyes at Rylie. “I know, Rylie.” Her response was short and her lips puckered as she returned her attention to the television.
“Do you really? Or are you just saying that so I won’t hound you?” Rylie asked, sitting up and staring at the woman who had been her stand-in momma.
“Rylie, please. I’m trying to watch my stories. Why don’t you go find yourself a soda or something?”
Rylie felt a rush of anger travel through her body. Del had in fact just been paying her lip service to silence her so she didn’t have to listen to what she had to say. Well, she wasn’t going to stay silent. She’d rather Del be angry with her than dead.
“I don’t want a soda. I want to talk to you. I need you to understand how serious this is, Del.”
With a dramatic huff, Del turned the television off and tossed the remote onto the side table. Crossing her arms over her chest, she looked over at Rylie and said, “Fine, let’s get it over with. Say what you need to. I’m listening.”
“Do you realize you could lose limbs if you don’t quit? Literally lose a leg or a foot. Even worse…,” Rylie paused, picking at a snag on the blanket that covered Del. She sighed and looked up at Del, whose stony composure had softened. “We could lose you,” she said another tear escaping down her cheek.
Del’s eyes started to water and she looked up at the ceiling, rolling her tongue against her cheek.
“I can’t lose you Del,” Rylie continued. “You have no idea the impact you’ve made on my life. If you leave me now, for something you could fix...,” Rylie stopped to wipe a tear from beneath her eye, then said, “I can’t imagine a life where you don’t exist. If I could do it for you, I would. Don’t you understand? There are people here on this earth who love you and would be lost if you left.”
“I know.” Del’s voice cracked. “Put yourself in my shoes though, Rylie. I’ve been smoking for most of my life. It’s not easy.”
“Nothing in life is easy. You’ve spoken those words to me hundreds of times through the years and I do put myself in your shoes. I can imagine how hard it is to stop something so ingrained in you. I know it’s hard and I won’t pretend to think it would be easy.” Rylie stood up and walked over to the window to look outside before adding, “Now, you stop and put yourself in our shoes. Imagine Norm, myself or even Alex, doing something that is killing us. Something we could change if we fought hard enough but we refused to try because it was too hard. So, we allow ourselves to die instead. We cease to exist. You can no longer reach across the dinner table to give Norm’s hands a squeeze. You can’t pick up the phone to call us when you’re thinking of us or tell us a funny story. We’re gone. Can you feel the emptiness?” She turned to face Del, who was staring at her open-mouthed, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“She’s right,” a gruff voice said from behind the privacy curtain.
Rylie and Del both turned to see Norm, stepping around the curtain and looking sternly over at Del. Rylie rushed over into his arms, squeezing him tightly.
“Miss Rylie. I’m glad to see you made it safely,” he s
aid, stepping back to get a better look at her. “You look good. Tired, but good. When did you get in?”
“A few hours ago?” she asked, looking at Del and wrinkling her nose.
Del wiped her eyes and nodded. “I would say it’s been at least that long.”
Norm walked over and kissed Del’s forehead. “Were you surprised to see our girl?”
Del smiled and said, “I was. I think you scared her for no reason but it was a good surprise all the same.”
“Your life is a very good reason,” Rylie said, twisting her lips into a weak smile.
Del rolled her eyes again and said, “Okay. I’ll try.” She looked up at Rylie and Norm. “For real this time.”
Norm brought board games with him to help pass the time while they waited for news from the doctors. They played three games of chess and were in the middle of a game of Rummy when a doctor finally came in to talk to them. The only option was to do a bypass from the main aorta to her external iliac artery in her left leg. When Del challenged him, he told her there was another option. Leg amputation. She was speechless and sat in shock, a deep crease developing between her eyes while the doctor went over everything. For the first time, it looked as though the severity of the situation had hit her full in the stomach.
The doctor left after he told them the surgery would be in the late morning and Del should get as much rest as possible tonight. The air in the room seemed heavy and Rylie sat down as exhaustion enveloped her.
“You need some sleep,” Norm said, studying her from the other side of the bed.
Rylie smiled at him and said, “I know. There’s just so much going on. I don’t think I could shut down enough to do it.”
“Here,” he said, tossing her a set of keys.
She caught them and looked at him as her eyebrows drew together. “What do you want me to do with these?”
“Keys to the house. Why don’t you go and get some rest? You can come back in the morning.”
“No. I can’t leave,” she said, leaning across the bed to give him back his keys.
“Yes, you can. There’s nothing else happening today. Go get some sleep,” he said, refusing to take the keys back.
“He’s right, Rylie. You need your rest too. Besides,” Del started to say something and then stopped and looked over at Norm, as if silently communicating something Rylie didn’t understand. He nodded. As a way of showing his support for what she was about to say, because she looked back at Rylie and said, “Besides, we usually have visitors around dinner time and it can get crowded.”
Folding her arms across her chest she frowned at the two of them. “I don’t mind being a little crowded. I’d love to see some people while I’m here anyway. It will make it easier. Who’s coming by?”
Norm looked down at his feet while Del stared at him. Rylie imagined she was communicating with him telepathically or something. She threw her hands in the air.
“Will you two stop doing that?” she pleaded.
“Stop doing what?” Del asked, her eyes wide.
“Whatever mind communication that was,” she said, pointing between them. “Just tell me what’s going on. I’m not a child.”
Del glanced at Norm before squaring her shoulders and looking Rylie in the eyes. “Maysen,” she finally said. “Maysen has stopped by the last couple nights. He brings dinner for he and Norm and visits for a bit while they eat. Then he heads home for the night.” Del waved her hands around as she tried to explain. “He knows the cafeteria food is awful. He’s just trying to make sure Norm has other options. He’s being helpful, that’s all.”
A numbness coursed through Rylie’s body at the sound of his name. She couldn’t find any words so she just stood there looking blankly at them.
“Rylie? Are you okay?” Del asked.
Reaching back and massaging a kink in her neck, Rylie nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine. I figured you were still in contact with him.” She turned to grab her purse and water bottle. Dropping the shoulder strap over her head, she smiled and said, “I guess I’ll see you guys in the morning.”
“Are you mad?” Del asked, her forehead wrinkling.
“No reason to be,” she answered, shaking her head. “I’m not the only person who loves you.” She gave Norm a hug and kissed Del’s forehead before heading for the door. A thought came to her and she turned and asked, “So, will he be here for the surgery tomorrow? I just want to be prepared.”
“It’s a possibility. We’ll update him tonight and let you know what he’s doing,” Norm said, with a small smile.
With a short nod, she twisted her mouth into a pucker and asked, “Does he know I’m here?”
“No,” Norm replied.
“You might want to give him the same courtesy you’ve given me and let him know.” Rylie didn’t wait for a response as she turned and walked out the door. Her body felt foreign to her as she navigated her way back to the elevators. Her legs felt stiff, as if her knees had lost their ability to bend. She imagined she looked like the tin man from The Wizard of Oz before his joints had been oiled. She laughed at the thought because she knew that was also before he’d received his heart from the wizard. It was exactly how she felt at that moment, as if her heart had been taken from her chest and all that was left inside of her was a cold hollow room of tin.
Inside the car, Rylie fumbled with the keys in her hands trying to find the right one to start the car. She pulled them up to her face in frustration and realized they were the house keys Norm had given her. Slumping back against her seat she let out a slow stream of breath. “Let it go, Rylie. You knew seeing him was a possibility,” she whispered to herself, closing her eyes.
She sat in silence and started to feel the pull of exhaustion on her body. It had been a long day and she had a bit of a drive to get to Del and Norm’s home. If she’d known she wouldn’t be staying at the hospital, she would have left a bit earlier.
After stopping at a nearby fast-food joint, Rylie drove onto the freeway and headed west, towards New Plymouth. She always hated the long drive but as the rolling countryside flew past, she smiled at some of the memories it brought back. She had taken many trips to Boise with Maddie and Maysen, to dance clubs, concerts and sometimes just to cruise around on a Friday or Saturday night. They always said New Plymouth was too small to hold their larger than life personalities within its tiny bubble. They had to get out and go to the big city to achieve some excitement. Compared to New York, Boise was a baby. It made her laugh at how little they knew back then. As she drove over the top of a hill, her heart soared at the familiar sight of Squaw Butte in the distance, it’s top capped with snow. The cozy warmth you feel when you’re home surrounded her and she exhaled. This wasn’t something she was expecting to feel coming back here.
She finally reached Big Willow Road and felt an odd fluttering feeling in her stomach. Sitting up straighter, she looked around at the ranch land she had grown up on. The setting sun cast a heavenly, golden light across the mountains and tiny hills that encircled the land. It was one of the most beautiful sights she’d ever seen. How had she forgotten it so easily? She turned onto the gravel dirt road of her childhood and realized her cheeks were wet. She’d been crying and hadn’t even noticed. She saw the white panels of the Green’s house come into sight and she couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face. All this time she’d been avoiding coming home and it turned out it’s exactly what she needed. Her soul hadn’t felt this light in ages.
She parked the car and got out. Walking up to the gate and opening it she ran up the sidewalk to the familiar screen door. Her spirits soared as her shaking fingers turned the key and the door swung open. She stepped into the enclosed porch used as a laundry room and walked into the kitchen before bursting into laughter. She couldn’t control it as it spilled from the depths of her belly, out her mouth and into the empty room. Hugging herself, she turned in a slow circle, taking in every inch of the room she spent most evenings of her young life. She played cards with Norm
and Del, learned to cook, spilled her guts as she looked for their counsel. She watched the tiny black and white television and ate the most wonderful meals she’d ever tasted. Stepping forward, she ran her hand over the countertops as she walked around the old wooden table that sat in the center. The cupboards were still as white as untouched snow and the walls still a minty green. The light scent of garlic still hovered around the stove. She opened the fridge and peeked inside to find they still had a rinsed-out milk jug, filled with sweet ice tea waiting to quench the thirst of any weary traveler. She grabbed the jug and took it to the counter to pour herself a tall glass. It’d been years since she had sweet tea. She gulped it down and refilled it before replacing the jug in the fridge.
Taking her glass, she went into the room to the right of the kitchen and turned on the light. Her old bedroom looked almost exactly as it did the day she left. This made her sad, because it meant they thought she’d be back one day. The walls had been freshened with new paint, but they were still the light pink she loved as a child. Del had finally changed the curtains to solid white, though. They were no longer adorned with the colorful butterflies Rylie was obsessed with in junior high. She sat down on the bed and looked out the window. The swing Norm made from an old board and some rope still hung from the tree in the backyard. She had spent a lot of time on that swing pretending to be an acrobat for some faraway circus. She laughed, allowing herself the joy of a memory long forgotten. Rylie set her glass on the small bedside table before laying back on the pillows. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
October 1987 ~ Morning
Rylie allowed her feet to sink into the warmth of the silage and watched as the steam rolled into the air, releasing the odd sour scent of the chopped-up corn and its stalks. She always loved the comforting feeling of submerging her hands and feet into the mountain of fermenting cow feed. Maysen thought she was brain dead; he hated the smell and wouldn’t go near the silage pits. It was one place she could go and collect her thoughts without being bothered.
