Immediately, my sessions with my couples changed. As I watched partners demanding and withdrawing, I saw Bowlby’s concepts of separation distress in action. Some partners shouted louder and louder to make the other turn toward them, others whispered softer and softer, so as not to disturb the “peace.” I heard partners caught in the Demon Dialogues speak the language of attachment. A desperate need for an emotional response that ends in blaming and a desperate fear of rejection and loss that ends in withdrawal — this was the scaffolding underneath these endless conflicts. Partners’ emotions now were easier to tune in to. I understood their urgency. As I reflected my new understanding to my couples, putting their emotions, their needs, their endless conflicts into an attachment frame and directing them toward moments of connection, they told me that this fit for them. They told me they now understood their own unspoken longings and seemingly irrational fears and could connect with their loved one in a whole new way. They told me what a relief it was to know that there was nothing wrong or “immature” about these longings and fears. They did not have to hide or deny them. Now we could hone the EFT way of working with couples — we were not just in the right neighborhood, we had a direct map to home base. We could go to the heart of the matter.
Over the years, as scientific studies on adult attachment have continued and confirmed what I have learned in leading and watching thousands of couple therapy sessions, the key conversations that promote an emotional bond and a safe, secure connection have become clearer and clearer. We have shown in our studies that when they happen, couples recover from distress and build a stronger bond between them. This book is about sharing these conversations with you in a way that you can use in your own relationship. Until now this has been a process supervised by professionals trained in EFT. But it is so valuable and so needed that I have simplified the process so that you, the reader, can easily use it to change and grow your relationship.
A.R.E.
The basis of EFT is seven conversations that are aimed at encouraging a special kind of emotional responsiveness that is the key to lasting love for couples. This emotional responsiveness has three main components:
• Accessibility: Can I reach you?
This means staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure. It often means being willing to struggle to make sense of your emotions so these emotions are not so overwhelming. You can then step back from disconnection and can tune in to your lover’s attachment cues.
• Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?
This means tuning in to your partner and showing that his or her emotions, especially attachment needs and fears, have an impact on you. It means accepting and placing a priority on the emotional signals your partner conveys and sending clear signals of comfort and caring when your partner needs them. Sensitive responsiveness always touches us emotionally and calms us on a physical level.
• Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close?
The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, pulled, captivated, pledged, involved. Emotional engagement here means the very special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one. We gaze at them longer, touch them more. Partners often talk of this as being emotionally present.
One easy way to remember these is to think of the acronym A.R.E. and the phrase “Are you there, are you with me?”
THE SEVEN CONVERSATIONS OF EFT
Let’s go back to the story of Sarah and Tim and see how EFT works. We can look at the first four conversations that transformed Sarah and Tim’s relationship. This will help you understand the changes that Sarah and Tim made and use part two of this book to create these changes in your own relationship. Like Sarah and Tim, you can learn to stop the slide into emotional starvation and distance that plagues so many relationships. But more than that, you can learn the exquisite logic of love and the conversations that build it.
In the first conversation, Recognizing the Demon Dialogues, I encourage the couple to identify the damaging dance they get into, when this dance happens, and how each partner’s moves escalate their confrontations. Once they are aware of their negative steps, I ask them to dig beneath the destructive remarks and to figure out what they are really saying. Sarah’s attacks and demands are a desperate protest against the erosion of her bond with Tim, while Tim’s defensiveness and cool rationality are expressions of his fears that Sarah is disappointed in him and that he is losing her. The more he tries to dismiss her concerns, the more alone she feels and the angrier she becomes. After a while, all they have left is accusations and defensiveness.
But now Tim and Sarah can have a new positive conversation, one that gives them power over this Protest Polka Demon Dialogue. Sarah is able to say, “I guess I do come on heavy. I do get hostile. I feel so let down. So I confront you to get you to see it. To see what is happening and come back to me. But it just drives you away and into justifying yourself. And I guess I seem pretty dangerous to be around then, so you retreat even more. Then I get even more upset. We are stuck. I never saw that before.” Tim is able to see how his distancing sets Sarah up to become more demanding. They begin to see the pattern and to stop blaming the other for the steps. Now they are ready for a second conversation.
In Finding the Raw Spots, Tim and Sarah begin to understand their own and their partner’s reactions and that the drama here is all about the safety of their emotional attachment. Each partner starts to look beyond immediate reactions, such as Sarah’s rage and Tim’s cool distancing. We begin to plug into the deeper current of softer feelings, feelings connected with attachment needs and fears. Tim turns to a calmer and very attentive Sarah and says, “You’re right. Last night, at that moment, I could not hear your hurt. All I see is your anger at times like that. All I hear is that I have blown it again. Failed again. I just never can get it right.” He brings his hands up to cover his face. He sighs and continues, “So I guess I just try to put a lid on everything. To stop the fight and the examples of how I have blown it yet again. But do you think I don’t know that I am losing you?” He hangs his head. Sarah leans forward and puts her hand gently on his arm. It is not that he does not care for or need her; it is that he cannot deal with the fear of losing her.
Sarah and Tim begin to realize that no one can dance with a partner and not touch each other’s raw spots. We must know what these raw spots are and be able to speak about them in a way that pulls our partner closer to us. Sarah and Tim now know the danger cues and sensitivities to certain events that spark off attachment fears. “I do get enraged when you are late,” Sarah tells Tim. “It reminds me of my dad. After he left us, he would always call and say he loved me and tell me when he was coming to pick me up and then he’d never show. I’d hope — and then get that I was a fool to think I was important to him. This feels the same.” Talking to Tim of her disappointment and longing rather than her anger at him gives Tim a new view of Sarah and what is at stake for her here. He listens more, and they begin connecting on a deeper emotional level.
In a third conversation, Revisiting a Rocky Moment, this couple replay a time when they got stuck in a demand-distance loop, acknowledging the steps each made and the emotions each felt. They now are in control of the momentum created by their dance. What does this look like?
SARAH: We got so caught up in it — that polka thing. Before I knew it, I heard myself threatening to leave. But this time, part of my head was saying “What am I doing? What are we doing?” We are stuck in this again. I understand now that this need to get him to respond is just part of loving someone. I don’t have to feel bad about it. But I get hot just talking about it. I was getting scared. He sounded like he was reneging on his promise that we would go away for that weekend together, and I just lost it. Then I realized, “Wait a minute. Here we are again. Let’s slow down here.” By that time he had left the room. [She turns to Tim.] So I came and found you and said to you, “Hey, we are caught in that polka thing. I am feeling l
et down, like you aren’t going to keep your promise.” [She beams.]
TIM: You’re right. I had already shut down. Given up. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered our talks. So when you came and found me, I was relieved. Then I could tell you that I did want to go on the weekend with you. We seemed to be able to step out of that dance and kind of grab hold of each other, calm each other down. It helped that I remembered you saying that you were scared that I would let you down and not take the time off for the trip. I didn’t just hear you angrily telling me what a big disappointment I am.
SARAH: I never understood that it impacted you so much when I got angry. In fact, I thought it didn’t get to you at all. So yes, I would get desperate, frantic in fact. I couldn’t get you to respond to me. It didn’t help when you and your family would give me the message that I should just grow up and handle things on my own. I would feel even more alone then.
TIM: [Reaches for her.] I know. I didn’t understand. We would just get caught in this thing — you hurting and lonely and me feeling like some kind of idiot. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with us, and the more I avoided and played it down, the worse it got. Sue says this happens a lot. Guess we never have talked that much about our emotional needs, what we need from each other.
SARAH: This dance we get stuck in is the problem, even though you are a space cadet sometimes as far as being close is concerned. [She smiles. He tips his head to acknowledge her point and smiles back.]
Tim and Sarah can now do what securely attached couples can do. They can recognize and accept each other’s attachment protests. They have a safe place to stand to begin a new conversation to deepen their emotional bond.
These first three conversations de-escalate tension in the relationship and prepare the couple for the next dialogues, which build and strengthen the bond.
The fourth conversation, Hold Me Tight, is the one that transforms relationships. This is the exchange that moves partners into being more accessible, emotionally responsive, and deeply engaged with each other. The final three conversations, Forgiving Injuries, Bonding Through Sex and Touch, and Keeping Your Love Alive, all rest on the foundation of the intimate connection created in this dialogue. Once couples know how to have the fourth conversation, they have a remedy to the ups and downs of love and a way out of the snares of disconnection.
Hold Me Tight is a difficult but intoxicating conversation. The emotional bond forged here is something that many couples have never experienced, even in the midst of initial infatuation when their bodies were flooded with passion’s hormones. It is similar to the joyous connection between parent and child, except that it is more complex, reciprocal, and sexual. As this conversation unfolds, partners see themselves and their lovers differently; they find themselves feeling new emotions and responding in new ways. They can now take more risks and reach for more intimacy.
Let’s look at how this conversation goes for a couple like Tim and Sarah when everything clicks into place.
Tim can now tell his wife that he gets “crazy paralyzed” when he feels unable to please her. He ends up shutting down, but he doesn’t want to do this anymore. Now he adds, “But I don’t know how to be ‘close.’ I’m not sure I even know what it looks like. I can’t do it, except to see if Sarah wants to have sex.”
But attachment responses are wired in, and when I ask Tim how he shows his little daughter how much he loves her, his face lights up. “Oh, I whisper to her and hold her, especially at night before bed,” he offers. “And as she smiles at me when I come home, I have little phrases to let her know I am glad to see her. She likes when I kiss her cheek and tell her that she is my sweetie forever. And I play with her, give her my undivided attention just for those special moments.” Then his eyes go wide; he knows what I am going to say. “Oh, so when you feel safe, you are pretty good at love and closeness. In fact, you know how to tune in to your loved ones. You know how to respond tenderly and how to connect.” Tim smiles, unsure but hopeful. We then talk about what blocks him from being this responsive and tender with his spouse. He turns to Sarah and tells her that often he is too “on edge,” too afraid to play and tune in to her.
This is a defining moment in Tim and Sarah’s relationship. He stops briefly, then continues. “I know I have neglected you,” he confesses. “I know I have let you down. I get so caught up in proving myself at work — and to you. Then when I hear you are angry in spite of all my efforts, it kills me. I can’t take it, so I shut down. But I want us to be together. I need you. I want you to give me a chance here, to stop watching for the slipup, and to hear that you are very important to me. I want us to be together. I don’t always know how to do it.” Sarah’s eyes go wide and her brow furrows as she weeps.
Tim has become accessible. He can tell his wife about his attachment needs and vulnerabilities. He is emotionally engaged. It is this that matters, not exactly what he says. But Sarah at first does not know how to handle this stranger. Can she trust him? In just a short time, he has changed the music in the relationship from a polka to a tango, a dance of intense connection. So she lapses back into a testing hostile comment. “And when you ‘don’t know,’ as you put it — you will dash off to work where you are the ‘expert,’ no?”
Gradually, as Tim continues to express his needs, Sarah sees “the man I fell in love with, the man I always wanted.” It is then Sarah’s turn to move into a new dance where she can soften her angry stance. She can tell him about her fear that he had “abandoned” her and her longing for his reassurance. I encourage her to ask specifically for what she needs to make her feel safe. “It’s such a risk, like leaping from a great height in the hope you will catch me,” she says, hesitantly. “I have built up so much distrust.” “Ask me,” he whispers. “I am here.” She replies, “I need your reassurance. I need your attention. To know that I come first, even if just for moments. I need you to see and to respond if I hurt, if I am scared. Can you hold me?” He stands and pulls her up into an embrace.
I know from watching thousands of couples that these are the key moments that move relationships from shaky to solid ground, that help couples find a lifetime of love. In these moments Tim and Sarah create that trust, that secure connection we all long for.
PLAY AND PRACTICE
The questionnaire and the exercises below will help you begin to see your relationship through the attachment lens.
THE A.R.E. QUESTIONNAIRE
This questionnaire is a great way to begin applying the wisdom in this book to your own relationship. Simply read each statement and circle T for true or F for false. To score the questionnaire, give one point for each “true” answer. You can complete this questionnaire and reflect on your relationship on your own. Or you and your partner can each complete it and then discuss your answers together in the way described after the questionnaire.
From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you?
1. I can get my partner’s attention easily. T F
2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F
3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T F
4. I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen. T F
From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
1. If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T F
2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T F
3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T F
4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together. T F
5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T F
Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. T F
2. I can confide in my partner about almost anyth
ing. T F
3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. T F
4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T F
5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F
If you have scored 7 or above, you are well on your way to a secure bond and can use this book to enhance that bond. If you score below 7, this is a time to focus on using the conversations in this book to strengthen the bond with your lover.
Understanding the bond between you and your partner, and sharing how you see it, is the first step to being able to create the connection you both want and need. Does your partner’s perception of how accessible, responsive, and engaged you are fit with your view of yourself and how safe your relationship is? Try to remember that your partner is talking about how safe and connected he or she feels right now in your relationship, not about whether you are a perfect or imperfect partner. You can take turns talking about the question/answer that seemed most positive and important for you. It is best to keep this to five minutes each.
Now, if you feel comfortable, try to explore the question/ answer that seemed to bring up the most difficult emotions for you. Try to do this in the spirit of helping your partner tune in to your feelings. He/she will not be able to do this if you get caught up in being negative, so try to avoid criticism or blame. Again, it is best to keep this talk to five minutes each.
EXPLORING YOUR EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS
Maybe you are more comfortable reflecting on general points rather than using the questionnaire. You can simply reflect on the questions below, or you might want to write your answers down in a journal and so deepen your exploration of them. You might also want to share and discuss your responses with your partner at some point.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Page 5
