The first goal for partners is forgiveness. Just as with love, forgiveness has only recently become a topic of study by social scientists. Most scholars speak of forgiveness as a moral decision. Letting go of resentment and absolving a person’s bad conduct is the right and good thing to do. But this decision alone will not restore faith in the injuring person and the relationship. What partners need is a special type of healing conversation that fosters not just forgiveness but the willingness to trust again. Renewed trust is the ultimate goal.
About five years ago, I began mapping out the steps in the dance of forgiveness and reconciliation. Together with my students and colleagues, I watched tapes of counseling sessions and saw how some couples hit the Never Again moment and got stuck, and others worked through the injury. We learned that couples had to be able to manage Conversations 1 to 3 and create a basic safety in their relationship before they could engage in a Forgiving Injuries conversation.
A recent research project has further sharpened our understanding of relationship traumas. We’ve learned that they are not always obvious, that what’s important is not the events themselves, but the vulnerabilities they arouse. For some partners at certain times, a flirtation may prove more wounding than an affair. We’ve also found that couples can suffer multiple traumas, and that the greater the number, the harder it is to renew trust. The overriding lesson is you have to take your partner’s hurt seriously and hang in and ask questions until the meaning of an incident becomes clear, even if to you the event seems trivial or the hurt exaggerated.
Mary and Ralph have identified their Demon Dialogues and can talk about their raw spots and replay Rocky Moments, but Mary is balking at starting the Hold Me Tight conversation. Instead, she keeps harping on the racy photos of Ralph and secretaries in their underwear at an office party that he left in his desk drawer at home, which he knows she regularly tidies. Ralph apologizes, admits that the party got a little out of hand, and that the photos are inappropriate, but he is adamant that no hanky-panky went on. He doesn’t really understand why she’s so hurt. He keeps trying to tune in to Mary’s story and finally picks up on the fact that Mary keeps repeating the phrase, “Right then, after ‘that’ time.” “What’s so important about the timing of all this?” he asks.
Mary bursts into tears. “How can you ask that? Do you not remember? It was after those terrible discussions where you told me that I just was too inhibited for you. You demanded that I go out and get some silky underwear and read some of those sex books. I grew up in such a strict home. I told you that I was just too shy to do this. But you insisted. You told me that unless I did this, we weren’t going to make it as a couple. So I went and did it, for us. I did it all, but I was so ashamed, so mortified. And you didn’t seem to really notice. You never even said you were pleased! Not once. But you looked really pleased posing in those photos, and those girls looked like they were having fun. They weren’t shy like me. I turned myself inside out to be like those girls in the photos, and it didn’t matter. And the very last thing was that you knew I cleaned out your desk, and you never even thought how I would feel if I found the photos! I was just invisible to you!” Ralph now tunes in to his wife’s pain. He reaches out to hold her hand and comfort her.
Both Mary and Ralph showed courage and determination here in sifting through an event until its import became evident. Sometimes we don’t know what is so painful to us in a particular event until we can really explore it with our partner. And sometimes it is very hard to just come out and show the core of our hurt to the one who hurt us. But the pain always makes sense if we relate it to our attachment needs and fears.
SIX STEPS TO FORGIVENESS
What are the steps in the Forgiving Injuries conversation?
1. The hurt partner needs to speak his or her pain as openly and simply as possible. This is not always easy to do. It means resisting making a case against your partner, and staying focused on describing the pain, the specific situation in which it occurred, and how it affects your sense of safety with your partner. When it is hard to capture the essence of an injury, we try to help people plug into the emotions that arose by asking the following questions:
At a moment of urgent need, did I feel deprived of comfort? Did I feel deserted and alone? Did I feel devalued by my partner when I desperately needed validation that I and my feelings were important? Did my partner suddenly appear to be a source of danger to me rather than the haven of safety that I needed? This speaks directly to the traumatic nature of attachment injuries.
Sorting through the emotional soup to find the essence of your hurt can be difficult. And it’s just as hard for the “guilty” partner to hang in and try to hear the other’s anguish. Having already explored your Demon Dialogues and your individual raw spots should help each of you tune in when the other is sharing, even if what’s being said triggers your anxiety. Once the two of you are able to understand the underlying attachment hurts, needs, and fears that are being played out, you can slow down and help each other work through them.
After months of recriminations, Vera is finally able to tell Ted, “Never mind those times when it was hard for you to come with me to the chemotherapy. I know that this cancer thing sends you back to being twelve years old and watching your mom, the only person who ever cared for you, die of cancer. The image that just stops my breath is the day when I came home and cried and cried. I told you that I couldn’t go on anymore. And you said nothing. You did nothing. But then my sister came over, remember? And she got all upset and burst into tears, and you leapt up out of your chair to comfort her. You held her, you whispered to her.” Vera bursts into breathless sobs, then continues, “You did it, but not with me. Your comfort, your touch, wasn’t for me. That night, I told myself, I’d rather die alone than ask you for that kind of caring again. But that pain is still here, and I am still all alone with it.” Ted stares at Vera, suddenly comprehending her grief and rage. This is a terrible message, but at least it makes sense. Vera has pinpointed the wound. Ted has seen it. Now the healing can begin.
2. The injuring partner stays emotionally present and acknowledges the wounded partner’s pain and his/her part in it. Until injured partners see that this pain has been truly recognized, they will not be able to let it go. They will call again and again to their partner, preoccupied with protesting and demanding. This makes perfect sense if we understand attachment. If you do not see how you have hurt me, how can I depend on you or feel safe with you?
In past discussions of the trauma, the injuring partner may have retreated into shame and self-blame. It helps to remember that in love, mistakes are inevitable. We all sometimes miss our loved ones’ calls for closeness. We all find ourselves distracted. We all get stuck in our own fear or anger and fail to catch loved ones as they fall. There is no perfect soul mate, no flawless lover. We are all stumbling around, treading on each other’s toes as we are learning to love.
Perhaps a partner has never before tuned in to attachment messages and only now really begins to understand the pain he or she has caused. It is important to remember that, even though the incident happened in the past, an injuring partner can change how it affects the future. Helping the wounded lover understand the injuring partner’s response helps to restore predictability. And staying emotionally present allows the hurt partner to deal with pain in a different way.
Ted says, “Now I’m getting it. The last few times we talked about this, I was able to tell you how your cancer made me freeze like a ‘deer in the headlights.’ It was like a replay of when my mom was sick. But you are right. That day you watched me just up and give your sister the support you were starving for . . .” Vera nods and weeps, and he sees this and his voice softens. “That was unbearable for you.” She nods again. “That was worse even than my freezing up. I did not and still do not really offer comfort to you, even when I see you hurting. How come I don’t do that? I guess it’s the way I see you. You are so strong, stronger than I am, for sure. I know it’s rea
lly stupid, but I think it was easier to reach for your sister right then just because every time I looked at you, all I saw was my own loss and helplessness. Because you are so important to me.” Vera considers this for a moment and then lifts her mouth into a tentative smile.
3. Partners start reversing the “Never Again” dictum. I think of it as couples revising their script. Vera moves out from behind her protective wall and shares with Ted the depth of her loneliness, grief, and despair. She tells him, “The day after this incident, I decided that all this was too hard for you. I wasn’t sure if you really cared if I made it through. So the battle with the cancer was suddenly pointless. I thought of just giving up.” As she speaks, she watches Ted’s face. He looks hurt too. He tells her, “I don’t want you to feel this way, and I can’t bear that you thought of giving up. Giving up because I couldn’t comfort you. That’s terrible.”
4. Injuring partners now take ownership of how they inflicted this injury on their lover and express regret and remorse. This cannot take the form of an impersonal or defensive apology. Saying “Look, I’m sorry, okay?” in a cool tone doesn’t signify regret, only dismissal of the partner’s pain. If we want to be believed here, we have to listen to and engage with our lover’s pain as expressed in step 3. We have to show that our lover’s pain has an impact on us. When Ted turns to Vera and speaks, you can hear sadness and remorse in his voice and see it on his face. He tells her, “I really let you down, didn’t I? I wasn’t there for you. I am so sorry, Vera. I got all overwhelmed and left you to stare down your enemy by yourself. It’s hard for me to admit this. I don’t want to see myself as the kind of person, the kind of husband who would let you down like this. But I did it. You had a right to get angry. I never saw my support as that important. But I know now that I hurt you very badly. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I dithered and did nothing. I want to try to make this better. If you will let me.”
Vera is obviously very moved by Ted’s apology. What does he do that is so effective here? First, his manner makes it clear that he feels and cares about Vera’s pain. Second, he explicitly tells her that her hurt and her anger are legitimate. Third, he owns up to exactly what he did that was so hurtful. Fourth, he expresses shame. He tells his wife that he too feels dismayed and disappointed by his behavior. Fifth, he reassures her that he will now be there to help her heal.
Now that is one stellar apology! It took me three tries to get just half of what Ted included into an apology to my daughter after I had badly hurt her feelings. Ted’s apology is not just a statement of contrition, it is an invitation to reconnect.
5. A Hold Me Tight conversation can now take place, centering around the attachment injury. Injured partners identify what they need right now to bring closure to the trauma. They then directly ask for these needs to be met, that is, for their lovers to respond differently from the way they did in the original incident. This shapes a new sense of emotional connection that acts as an antidote to the terrifying isolation and separateness the incident precipitated. “I needed your comfort and support then. I needed your touch. I need it now!” Vera declares to Ted. “Those feelings of being scared and helpless are still with me. When I think about the cancer coming back, or even when I feel the distance between us, I need to have your reassurance.” Ted responds, “I want you to feel that you can count on me and I will be there. I will do whatever I have to do. I am not always good at plugging in to people’s feelings, but I am learning. I don’t want you to feel alone and scared.” This is now a healing A.R.E. conversation.
6. The couple now create a new story that captures the injuring event, how it happened, eroded trust and connection, and shaped Demon Dialogues. Most important, the story describes how they together confronted the trauma and began to heal it. This is like weaving all the threads together into a new tapestry. Now, as a team, they can discuss how to help each other learn from and continue to heal this injury and prevent further injuries. Continuing to heal might involve setting out rituals that reassure the hurt partner. For example, after an affair, a couple might agree that any contact with the old lover will be immediately disclosed to the wounded partner, or that the injuring partner will call during the day with his or her whereabouts. Ted tells his wife at one point in this conversation, “The crazy thing is that it was easier for me to comfort your sister just because she isn’t as important to me as you are! I am not worried about messing up and making mistakes with her. I understand why, once this had happened, you would naturally not come to me at other times, like when you got scared about cancer coming back. I see how we got more and more emotionally distant. I know how much courage it must have taken to bring all this up again with me. And I didn’t help you when you tried this before, did I? You were trying to send out a distress flare, and I saw you as burning the house down. It feels good to me when we can share like this and not get stuck in all the hurt around this.” Vera, in her turn, tells Ted, “I liked when you suggested that I help you out by waving a flag signaling, ‘It’s a Hold Me Tight time, Ted.’ It feels like you are really thinking about how to tune in and make sure this doesn’t happen again.”
Ted and Vera moved smoothly through these steps. But other couples may have more trouble. If Demon Dialogues are chronic and trust and safety have dropped to low levels, the Forgiving Injuries conversation may have to be repeated several times. So, too, if there are multiple traumatic events. Even in such cases, however, one injury usually stands out. And when that one is healed, the others topple like a house of cards.
On the other hand, certain events, most notably affairs, also complicate the process of forgiveness. There are so many points of distress. But here, too, there is usually one moment that encapsulates the injury. Remember Francine and Joseph? It was the way he told her about his unfaithfulness that broke her apart. That affair was brief. Affairs that go on for a long time are much thornier. Intentional long-term deception undermines our sense of our partner as familiar and able to be known. As a result, we cannot define our own reality and be sure of what is “true.” As we tell our children, “It is best not to trust strangers. You never know what they will do.”
Injuries may be forgiven, but they never disappear. Instead, in the best outcome, they become integrated into couples’ attachment stories as demonstrations of renewal and connection.
PLAY AND PRACTICE
1. The first step in healing an attachment injury is to recognize and articulate it. Think of a time, an incident, in the past when you were very hurt by someone important to you, but not your partner. The trauma may be one described above or a hurt of less significance. What was the main cue for that hurt? Was it a remark, a specific action, or a lack of action on the part of the other? In the incident above, Vera says the worst moment was when she realized that Ted could offer comfort to others during this stressful time, but not to her. In your own incident, what alarming conclusion did you come to about this important person in your life? For example, did you decide that he or she just didn’t care, that you weren’t important and might be abandoned? What were you longing for when you were wounded? If this is hard to articulate, see if you can figure out what would have been the ideal response to you. What protective moves did you find yourself taking? For example, did you change the subject and walk out of the room? Or did you become aggressive and demand an explanation?
Ask yourself: Did I feel deprived of support? Did my pain or fear get dismissed? Did I feel deserted? Did I feel devalued? Did I suddenly see this person as a source of danger, as taking advantage of me, betraying me?
Once you have a sense of this past hurt, see if you can share it with your partner. Marcy tells her partner, Amy, about how her mother responded to the news that Marcy had broken off her engagement because she realized that she was gay. “I remember the whole thing,” says Marcy. “My mom and I were in the kitchen. I almost whispered it, I was so scared of saying it. She turned, and her face was like stone. She said, ‘I am going to pretend that you never said that. I don�
��t want to know. How you live your stupid, crazy life is up to you.’ I felt like I’d been punched in the chest. I think I felt all those Ds, but for sure I felt ‘Devalued.’ I left. That was what happened, and that was my decision about the relationship. I never shared anything personal with her again. She didn’t want to know me. I just kept my wall up. I guess I was longing for her to accept me and comfort me. I was so lost back then. But I gave up on that. In fact, I didn’t let anyone close enough to hurt me for a long time.”
2. Reflect on how easy or how difficult it is for you to apologize, even in small things. Rate yourself from 1 to 10 on this ability. Ten means that you readily acknowledge that you have blind spots and make mistakes. Can you remember a time when you voiced your regrets in any of the following ways:
• the four-second “where is the exit” apology. “Yes, well, sorry ’bout that. What shall we have for dinner?”
• the minimizing responsibility apology. “Well, maybe I did that, but . . .”
• the forced apology. “I guess I am supposed to say . . .”
• the instrumental apology. “Nothing is going to work till I say this, so . . .”
These are token apologies that can sometimes work for very small hurts, but generally in the kind of injuries we are talking about they only increase the wounded person’s pain.
3. Can you think of a time when you hurt a loved one? A time when they might have felt deprived of your support or comfort, even deserted by you? Where you might even have seemed dangerous or rejecting to them?
Can you imagine sincerely acknowledging this to them? What might you say? What might be hard for you in acknowledging the injury? Partners often use the following simple statements when they talk about having hurt a lover:
• “I pulled away. I let you down.”
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Page 16
