I encourage couples as part of their planning for the future to take an ongoing problem, such as a wife wanting her husband to be a more involved parent, and first have an A.R.E. conversation around the issue, sharing the attachment needs and fears that this topic brings up. Then they can move into defining the pragmatic problem and consider solutions as a team. Janet used to complain to her husband, Morris, that he never helped in setting limits for their son; Morris would promptly dismiss her concerns and withdraw. Now she begins by expressing her vulnerability. “I don’t feel like I am being a good mom here,” she says. “It is so hard for me to really set limits for the kid. And I feel like I flip between being a harridan and a wimp. I get overwhelmed by it all. It never ends, setting rules, dealing with his evasions, talking to the school, driving him to all these appointments. I get angry, but it is because I really need your help here. I can’t do this all by myself. I know you withdraw in frustration but when you do that, it leaves me alone and overwhelmed. Can we please find a way to do this together?”
Morris, who now generally feels reassured that his wife values and depends on him, hears her and responds to her distress. They acknowledge that they both get overwhelmed by the demands of parenting and need each other’s support. They define the problem as their son’s over-involvement with a fast-living set of friends, and they decide jointly to set some limits. They talk specifically about how to support each other in conversations with their son when he does not respect these limits.
A conversation about how to parent together is manageable. A dialogue that slips into desperate abandonment rage or hopeless evasiveness will never end in workable solutions. The essence of good problem solving is being able to stay focused and flexible. Emotional safety promotes a team approach and creative problem solving. Countless studies link emotional safety and secure connection to our ability to assert our needs, empathize with others, tolerate ambiguity, and think clearly and coherently. It makes sense to take care of the hot bonding issues hiding out in pragmatic problems first, before trying to find workable solutions. Sometimes just clarifying the emotional music playing when a topic comes up changes the problem itself.
When Halley pressures Don to commit to infertility procedures, he balks. They frame the problem in a number of ways, as a power struggle, a difference in the desire for children, Don’s selfishness, Halley’s neediness, and their lack of fit as a couple. This is indeed an overwhelming problem! In an A.R.E. conversation, the problem shifts and shrinks. Don is able to talk about how Halley’s obsession with having a child leaves him feeling superfluous. “Sometimes I get scared that I am just a sperm bank to you,” he says. “I need to know that I matter to you just for me.” Once Halley and Don can talk about this and Don is reassured that her desire for a child is part of her love for him, the problem shrinks down to an issue of timing. Don realizes that if they could be together for another year to solidify their relationship, he would feel more willing to go through medical procedures to conceive a child. Halley agrees.
CREATING A RESILIENT RELATIONSHIP STORY
When couples are caught in Demon Dialogues, there is often no coherent story, only a kind of “What is happening to us?” confusion. Partners’ stories can be garbled and one-sided. Partners will tell me that everything is fine in the relationship and then slip into raging at each other’s insensitive blaming. They say they want caring, but then tell a story of rejecting each other’s caring overtures. The emotional volatility destroys their sense of their history and their ability to create a consistent story line. But when partners tune in to each other and “feel felt,” it helps them reach a state of balance, physiologically and emotionally, so that they can order information in their minds and create coherent stories of their emotions and relationship.
We use stories to make sense of our lives. And we use stories as models to guide us in the future. We shape stories, and then stories shape us. Once partners feel safe with each other, they can create a clear story of their relationship and figure out how to recover from disconnections and make their bond stronger. This not only sums up their past in a way that makes sense, it gives them a blueprint for the future.
Your Resilient Relationship Story should recap how you both have been stuck in insecurity and then found ways to move out of those mires together.
Nicole and Bert described such wildly different versions of their relationship when they came to see me that neither of them recognized the other’s version as having any validity at all. They were each living in a different marriage, and neither of their accounts made much sense. But a few months later, with their connection much more secure, they were able to create a clear, logical story of how their problems evolved and how they had reclaimed their marriage. They called it “How N & B Conquered Demons and Distance and Created the Ultimate Cuddle.”
“Well, we fell in love instantly,” Bert begins, “and even though we didn’t know what we were doing, neither of us having experienced a real good relationship, even with our parents, we did pretty well. We loved each other. But then when our three girls came along, things got pretty stale and cold between us. Nicole’s territory was the home, and mine was work and sports. Then when she had those medical problems and we stopped making love, we really lost touch with each other. I guess it was my fault in a way — I didn’t support her enough and retreated into my job and my buddies.”
“It wasn’t all you, though,” Nicole pipes up. “I got pretty lost and started getting on your case about everything. Then we got caught in that ‘Nicole attack’ and ‘Bert zone out’ polka till all we could see was how nasty the other one was. Finally we realized we were losing each other and worked really hard to risk sharing our hurts and our needs. We realized that both of us felt desperately lonely.”
Bert picks up their story. “I think the big thing that helped us was understanding how we really weren’t that different after all. We were just expressing our upset differently. I had to learn how my distance really made Nicole feel vulnerable and scared. When she risked telling me that, I felt a whole new set of feelings for her.”
Nicole smiles at her husband and adds, “The turning point for me was when you told me that you were exhausted from hearing all the faults I had found in you and that you were just grieving and giving up on me loving you. I didn’t want you to do that. So we both found a way to talk about our raw spots, reach for each other, and give each other another chance. When we went back and talked about the night our last baby was born, you helped me let go of all that old hurt and resentment. You accepted that you didn’t stand up to that doctor for me like I thought you should. That was so important for me. I was able to start to trust you again.”
Bert turns to me and laughs. “I guess we sound pretty satisfied with ourselves, but it feels like we’ve accomplished a lot. I feel like I have my wife back. We found our way back to being close, and I like that we can talk and say how we did it. It gives me confidence.”
Bert and Nicole didn’t need much help putting this story together. Sometimes I prompt couples a little to articulate the elements of their story. If you need aid, I suggest that you help each other to come up with the following:
• three adjectives or images that describe your relationship when it was stalled in insecurity and negative spirals. For example, dead-ended, exhausted, a minefield.
• two verbs that capture how each of you moved in your negative dance and how you were able to change the pattern. I pushed, you turned away. But we learned to talk about how scared we were and reach out for each other.
• one key moment when you saw each other differently, felt new emotions, and were able to reach for each other. I remember that Saturday afternoon when I had walked out. I came back into the room and you were weeping. The look on your face really got to me. I just felt our sadness and came over and told you I wanted us to be close again and I needed your help. We had to help each other get there.
• three adjectives, emotions, or images that express your
relationship right now. Playful, contented, delighted, blessed, hand in hand.
• one thing you are doing to keep your connection with each other open and growing. Cuddling before we fall asleep, kissing when we wake up.
Marion and Steve, after successfully taking their relationship from endless bickering to safe emotional connection, come up with the following story. “In the beginning our relationship was cold, tight, and lonely,” says Marion. “Steve pushed and banged on the door; I just turned away and hid. We both saw the other person as the problem. But that day when we found ourselves talking about divorce, we realized that both of us were terrified of losing the other. So we started to help each other out and take little risks to learn to trust each other.”
Steve now chimes in. “Talking about the times when things really turned around was the most interesting. For me, a key moment was when Marion cried and told me that she had always believed that she wasn’t pretty, clever, or sexy enough for me, and she was so sorry that I had ended up feeling lonely. That she wanted to come out and be with me, but she was afraid. I don’t think I have ever felt closer to her than in that moment. I never understood how she felt inside. That she wasn’t trying to hurt me when she got all distant. And I never understood the impact of my angry comments on her, how small she felt.”
I ask, “How about for you, Marion? Do you remember a time when new emotions came in, a time that moved you into a different place with Steve?” “Oh, yes,” she replies. “It was one night when we were talking about his pushing me till I blow. And he suddenly looked so sad. He told me, ‘Well, I’d rather have you mad at me than just not care at all. At least if you’re mad, I know I matter to you.’ And I got that. Now when I start to doubt everything again, I go back to that moment in my head. It calms me down. My big, powerful husband needs that from me. Amazing, isn’t it?” She tips her head to one side and smiles as if she has just discovered the most exquisite secret. It’s a secret that changes her universe.
Steve and Marion have no trouble coming up with positive images of their present relationship. They agree that the image that captures how they are with each other now is the image of how they greet each other in the evening and hold each other. Marion says that she feels more “confident” as a person since they have been able to turn their relationship around. She now feels “close” to Steve in a way that moves her into “calm happiness.” Steve chooses his words carefully. “When she risks and comes close, I melt,” he says. “And I feel high. We have a new level of trust here. Will melt, high, and trust do?” I tell him that it seems to me that they will do very nicely. I get him to ask Marion, and she replies with a broad, open smile.
Then we talk about how there will be times when they miss each other’s signals, find it hard to respond, and spin out into their negative cycle. They recap exactly how they can now stop the “spin” of negative feelings in their Demon Dialogues. At those times, Steve says to Marion, “We are losing it here and we are both hurting.” Marion tells me, “The only way I can really do it is to take a deep breath and leap. I say to Steve, ‘This is scary. We need to slow down.’ ” They agree that they now also take time to listen and comfort each other when those feelings of hurt come up.
I ask them to tell me one thing that they are doing to keep the positive cycle of reaching and connecting strong. They tell me that they write loving notes to each other every few days and stick them on pillows, in briefcases, or on dashboards. Neat! I do that for my kids sometimes. How come I never thought to do that for my husband? They also tell me that after making love they always tell each other one thing the other had done that they had really liked. With all the fighting, they had both lost confidence in their sexual attractiveness and abilities; this was a way to support each other and get their confidence back.
CREATING A FUTURE LOVE STORY
I ask partners to make up their Future Love Story. We talk about what their personal dreams are for the next five to ten years. The more of a safe haven we have with our loved one, the more assured, assertive, and adventurous we can be. When our loved one is by our side, we tend to have more faith in ourselves and can dream in a new, expansive way. In this story, partners relate their vision of their future relationship. They then ask each other for support and discuss how they can make it a reality together.
“Personally, I want my own company,” Steve tells Marion. “Even if it’s small. But I can’t do it without your support. And I want to do it in a way that has you feeling included, not neglected. The ideas you have are really useful to me.” When it is Marion’s turn, she tells him that she is thinking maybe she can finish her degree after all. And she appreciates him offering to look after the kids during her evening classes. She then mentions how in about five years, they might have another child. Steve rolls his eyes and pretends to fall off his chair at the mention of another baby. But he agrees that they can talk about this, although he has some fears around it. She stays engaged with him and agrees to listen to his reservations.
Then we talk about how they envision their future relationship. Both want to keep the newfound closeness between them and commit to holding on to the ways they have developed to safeguard their time together. Marion tells Steve that she wants their sex life to improve and wants him to read some books on sex with her. He agrees. He wants them to spend more time together with their kids and less time with her extended family. This is hard for her, but she is able to listen to his points and move into being more open to the idea. She tells him her limits. She “just cannot give up” religious holidays with her family, and he respects this. She looks at me and tells me, “Not bad, huh? A few months ago we couldn’t agree on when to go grocery shopping, let alone deal with these kinds of changes and planning for the future.” A safe emotional connection makes all the difference.
Finally, I ask them, when they are very old, what would they like to be able to tell their great-grandchildren about their relationship? Steve says, “I’d like to tell them that I was a good husband and I really tried to make my wife happy. That she was the light of my life. Like she is now.” Marion can’t speak at this point. With tears in her eyes, she murmurs, “Ditto.”
HOLDING ON TO POSITIVE CHANGES: CREATING NEW MODELS
After Marion and Steve leave, I find myself remembering that in the early days of EFT, we didn’t pay much attention to asking couples how they planned to hold on to their positive changes. I used to think that if you understood love, accepted your attachment needs, and found ways into A.R.E. conversations, these moments would be so intoxicating that couples would naturally just keep doing them. You did not need to actively plan how to keep your love alive. But my couples have taught me differently. When you move into new ways of connecting with your partner, it is useful to take the new emotions, perceptions, and responses and integrate them into a narrative that captures all these changes. The Resilient Relationship Story gives you a coherent way of reflecting on your relationship drama, a drama that is always unfolding no matter how clear your focus. Couples tell me that this makes it easier for them to hold on to the positive changes they’ve made and gives them a model of their relationship as a safe haven that they have built together and can rebuild again and again.
Partners can also call up these positive models to help them deal with moment-to-moment interactions, especially when raw spots get rubbed. They help us contain the fallout when we get hurt, deal with our doubts, and remain connected. When I am flying through turbulent skies and getting panicky, it calms me to remember how I dealt with this situation at other times and how I landed safely.
A Resilient Relationship Story is a little like that. Marion tells me at one point, “Sometimes my whole body screams at me to run, tells me that this is just like my relationship with my dad and my first husband. Then I remember times I have taken risks with Steve and it was good. This helps me turn and take risks again rather than lock him out. Sometimes my head tells me that it’s up to him to respond, that I shouldn’t have to ask. But
then I remember him telling me that he doesn’t know what to do unless I help him out and confide in him. It’s like part of my brain says, ‘I am in shark-infested waters here.’ But I bring up these positive pictures and they remind me that I am just in a little pool. And that I am safe with Steve.”
New models of positive connection challenge not just our customary ways of seeing and responding to our partner, but also the templates for relationships that develop from our thousands of interactions with parents and past lovers. They change our view of close relationships and what is possible in them. They change who we are as people. I am talking about the cynical, untrusting thoughts prompted by our pasts that we aren’t even aware of until they pop up when we are in a panic and cannot safely connect with our lover.
Steve tells me, “Sometimes, when I can’t reach her, I can flip into this real negative place and my mind tells me that all relationships are bullshit. That you can’t trust or depend on anyone and you are a fool to even try. That watching your back and being in control is the only way to live. Then I can be real hostile, and Marion has to be the enemy. But these days Marion and I can connect, and when these ideas come up, there is another part of me that is calm and has this Resilient Relationship Story. Or maybe it’s like a movie rather than a story. I think of the images in the story we created, and that old bitterness seems to go away. I think this helps me stay more open to my wife and to other people, too.”
John Bowlby believed that we generalize from thousands of small interactions with those we’ve loved and build models of love and loving in our minds. These models guide our expectations and reactions in the present. This is fine if our models from the past are clear, coherent, and positive, but not if they are negative, confusing, and chaotic. We always have a bias in favor of what we already know. If this bias is negative, it can trap us in the habits of the past and make it difficult to stay open to positive possibilities with loved ones. Negative models tell us that closeness is dangerous and that depending on someone is foolish, or that we are unworthy and cannot expect to be loved. Positive models tell us that others are basically trustworthy, that we are lovable and entitled to caring. When we learn to foster safe, loving interactions with our partners and can integrate new experiences into models that affirm our connections with others, we step into a new world. Old hurts and negative perceptions from past relationships can then be put away and not allowed to orchestrate our way of responding to our lovers.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Page 20
