by Hinze, Vicki
But as I sit in the stillness of twilight in our home on the gulf, and I look out beyond the beach to the shimmering horizon, as much as I’d like to, I can’t deny the truth.
“Viola!”
Molly. I smile. Banging pots in the kitchen, cooking something fabulous—it always is—and obviously pleased with her latest creation.
Out beyond the deck and beach Jake and his friend, Mark, are riding the jet-skis, leaving trails of where they’ve traveled in white foamy wakes. Just as C.D. stands on the deck and watches over them, he has watched over me on my journey back to a normal life. He’s quite an amazing man. Really. He must have times when he loses patience or wishes I’d move faster or slower or do something differently, but he never pushes or shoves or urges. He just supports me in whatever path I choose or whatever steps I take at whatever point in time I choose to take them. That respect has made all the difference to me in opening the shutters and reclaiming the part of me that was left in the tribal prison.
Yes, there are still times when I think of Ustead and General Amid. When I relive through nightmares the tortures of hell I suffered there. Not all of them come back to me when I am asleep. And there are times when I catch a whiff of scent that reminds me of the desert or the cell where I spent so much of my time. Or in the strangest places, I’ll hear a sound that immediately takes me back to noises made by the other prisoners. These are infrequent moments now, yet I still must steel myself to endure them.
I was wrong. And I know that the woman I was is very different than the woman I’ve become. I pine for that wry sense of humor I once had; the certainty I felt that I had all the answers, when clearly life ends long before the questions do. And yet I sit here tonight, a little wiser for the journey.
There was pain and suffering, mistakes and consequences, and many wrong paths and broken dreams. But the difference between me then and now is that now I know it took living through each of those experiences to change me from the woman I was to the woman I am. If even one thing—no matter how small—had not happened or had happened differently, then my life as I know and love it would be different.
I would be different.
I’m often asked if it was worth it—serving in the military, being a P.O.W. I wish I could reply with some witty repartee, but the truth is, things like freedom and liberty and fair treatment and justice mean far more to me than perhaps to one who has not lived for six years as I did in a tribal prison.
I think that disappoints some people—my being more serious than most about the value of those things to me. But I don’t believe anyone could go through all I have gone through and remain unchanged or frivolous or flighty or even apathetic about those things. If they can, I suggest they be rushed to the nearest psychiatrist, because they are lost in denial and need immediate intervention to find their way home.
So was it worth it? All I sacrificed?
I think of my family—my marriage to C.D., the children and all the family—and I have to say yes. Yes, it was worth it.
Others think I’ve had a miserable time readjusting, and at times it has been so very hard. But there have been other times, too. Ones of tender reawakenings and poignant reminders of the goodness in people, and of the resilience of my own spirit, which at times is so insistent on seeing all the beauty around me, the blessings, that it surprises even me. I’m happy. I’m gardening, and I’m living my life as I choose with those I love.
Faith opened the shutters. They are all wide open.
I pull everything from the darkness into the light and view the good and the bad and all in between, and I am content.
I am at peace.
I am loved.
A woman can ask for no more in her perfect life.
Inspiration for HER PERFECT LIFE
As a writer, I’m often asked what inspires my books. I’m ashamed to admit it, but the truth is often it is anger. That was the case for my military novels in general, and for HER PERFECT LIFE specifically.
At the beginning of the second War in Iraq, after the 9/11 attacks, I was watching a news broadcast—I am a news junkie, and have been all my life. One of the anchors said about the military: no man is left behind.
While that is a goal, and a fervent wish, it is not fact. Scott Spicher was left behind in the first Iraq war. His family believed he was dead, then maybe he wasn’t, then he was, and then maybe he wasn’t. As a parent who also had a husband and son on active duty in two different branches of the military during the first Iraqi war, I rode that emotional roller coaster with them. I knew too well how I would feel at the see-saw of grief, the not knowing, and—God, forgive me—wondering if I should pray my child was dead rather than alive because of what could be happening to him if he were captured and had been taken prisoner of war. Hussein’s regime was notorious for torture—the kinds of torture so inhumane that a mere mention of his tactics curdle the blood of even the most hardened, battle-worn soldiers in the world much less those of a mother.
During the second Iraqi war, in a prison cell, soldiers found evidence scratched into a wall that Scott Speicher could have been there. And once again, I thought of him and his family, his wife, Joanne Speicher-Harris, and the unavoidable gauntlet of emotions they had to be feeling. Once more hope and grief and open wounds and the endless torment of haunting questions. Where is he? What’s happened to him? Is he dead? Alive? Hungry? It’s endless. Scott Spicher is the only solider unaccounted for from the first Iraqi war. As of the date of this writing, his fate has not been determined.
So it was with an empathetic wife and mother’s heart, I began exploring as a writer. What if a female soldier had been captured? Some were. What happened to them? What if one had been in Scott’s position—believed dead, reported dead. What if eyes-on-the-ground intelligence had verified her to be dead? And what if she wasn’t?
Men are physically stronger than women, but women have emotional strength, and history proves that mothers move mountains to get to their children. They will endure anything, sacrifice anything, do anything—including that deemed impossible—for their children. The bond that makes love unconditional is stronger than any other. And so, of course, the captive in Her Perfect Life, had to be a mother, a wife, a woman with everything to live for and everything to go home to when hostilities ended.
Yet I didn’t want to write a story of her despair during captivity. It is all too easy for us to imagine the horrors and nightmares there. Instead, I found myself wondering what if after a long time she came home. What if Scott had been in that cell? Nine years had passed for the world, but his world had stopped the day he’d been taken captive. What if she were rescued? What would she find in her world, then? What had happened in the interim with her family, her home—all that she’d known and loved?
That is the story I wanted to write. About her coming home. About what she found there, and how she coped with all that had happened to her during captivity and all that had changed by the time she returned. The adjustments she willingly made, and those thrust upon her. I wanted to write about Captain Katie Slater rebuilding Her Perfect Life.
And as her story unfolded to me, I wept along with her, through the highs and lows and the memories, and I laughed along with her as she tackled challenges, expected and unexpected, and made mistakes and failed and triumphed. And through it all, I remembered Scott Speicher and his family, and I continue to pray that one day he too has the opportunity to rebuild.
At the time I wrote Her Perfect Life, that was the situation. It is now 2014, and Scott Speicher’s remains have finally been located.
Unfortunately, he did not have the opportunity to rebuild. His remains were located. If you haven’t read about him, please do. He, like the four heroes who died in Benghazi, lived and died for all of us. We can never forget their sacrifices, or those of their families. It is our duty to remember them. It is our privilege and our honor.
Blessings,
Vicki Hinze
Readers’ Group Discussion Guide
For more information on this, visit:
http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1596
2. If you had created a list at the age of fifteen, eighteen, twenty-five or thirty-five, what items would you have included to create your "perfect life?"
If you should have to suddenly start over and build yourself a new life, what would you change? Relationships, money, prestige, possessions?)
Do you believe that, as we accumulate life experience, our priorities broaden and grow more meaningful and our goals turn less materialistic?
If you created a perfect life list right now, what five goals or qualities would you include?
During captivity, Katie’s mantra was: “That which is endured is conquered.” Do you feel this is true? How can a strongly held belief such as this one keep hope alive? Many of us have a saying, motto, Bible verse or a phrase that captures our personal philosophy and serves as our talisman during times of trouble. Do you have one?
Katie and C.J. have a strong bond from working closely together in a difficult environment. Through mutual respect and trust, they come to love each other. But at first they are not "in love" with each other. In your life, have you loved and not been in love? Been in love and not loved? Does the added element of a sexual relationship add to or cloud this issue? Given a choice, would you rather "be in love" or "love" someone?
As one would expect, given her circumstances, Katie suffers many of the challenging symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (or Syndrome). One of the most disturbing is repeated nightmares involving her captivity. Reportedly, the best treatment for these nightmares isn’t medication but a mental technique where the sufferer changes the ending of the nightmare while awake so that the ending ceases being upsetting. Do you think this kind of healing takes a great deal of personal determination and concentration? Does a person’s self esteem impact this kind of challenge?
Could Katie have defeated her dream demons any earlier? How? Did defeating those demons take becoming involved in a stable, loving relationship with C.J.? Did Katie have to first determine her children were safe before she could allow herself to heal?
For more information on this subject:
http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/index.html
Katie is angry with the doctors trying to help her. Anger and blame—unreasonable and unearned—is normal in these situations. The person often feels betrayed—in Katie’s case, for her military peers leaving her behind. Have you ever experienced these emotions in this way?
Katie refuses to talk about her experiences as a prisoner, including being raped. Because rape is a crime not of sex but of violence and control, it’s very common reaction for rape victims to refuse to discuss the rape. For many, each time they do discuss it, they relive it, and that makes it impossible to go on and live a “normal” life. Yet it’s equally important that they deal with the issue and not slide into denial, which is emotionally unhealthy. Katie refuses to give her captors another second of her life by dwelling on that which cannot be changed. In her position, would you feel compelled to talk about the experience, or not? Why?
Prisoner of War Information Resources
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional as to how they perceive the Veterans of earlier wars were treated and appreciated by their nation." – George Washington
1. Federal Research Division: POW/MIA databases
http://www.loc.gov/rr/frd/powmia-home.htm
In December 1991, Congress enacted Public Law 102-190 McCain Bill). The statute requires the Secretary of Defense to make available to the public all information relating to the treatment, location, and/or condition (T-L-C) of United States personnel who are unaccounted-for from the Vietnam War.
The facility chosen to receive this information was the Library of Congress. The Federal Research Division created the PWMIA Database, the online index to those documents.
2. Former American Prisoners of War
http://www.vba.va.gov/bln/21/Benefits/POW/
U. S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) web site for Former Prisoners of War (POWs).
This site is designed to assist Former POWs, their families and survivors in obtaining needed VA benefits and VA health care services.
3. Geneva Convention Rules for Treatment of Prisoners of War
http://www1.umn.edu/humanrts/instree/y3gctpw.htm
4. Defense Prisoner of War/Missing Personnel Office
http://www.dtic.mil/dpmo/
The DMPO is responsible for the oversight of policy on the rescue of Americans who are isolated, captured, detained, or missing in a hostile environment and the discovery and
identification of the remains of those who have not returned from foreign battlefields.
5. "US News Magazine" article: Personal account of an American woman Army surgeon captured in Iraq in 1991.
http://www.usnews.com/usnews/doubleissue/heroes/cornum.htm
Cornum's stalwart conduct helped reshape the debate on women in the military. The possibility of capture was often cited to keep women out of combat. After Cornum testified
about her experience in 1992, many combat posts were opened to women
6. Women POWs through history to the present era.
http://userpages.aug.com/captbarb/prisoners.html
Short articles and references concerning women held as prisoners of war from the Civil War to the present conflicts.
7. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome Support Services
http://www.ptsdsupport.net/index.html
PTSD Support Services specializes in combining personal experiences of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and practical application skills learned during workshops, counseling, and resources from all over the web. A PTS victim produced this site.
8. National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Dept. of Veteran's Affairs
http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/
The National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was created within the Department of Veterans Affairs in 1989, in response to a Congressional mandate to address the needs of veterans with military-related PTSD.
This website is provided as an educational resource concerning PTSD and other enduring consequences of traumatic stress.
9. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Resources - a medical viewpoint - symptoms, treatments, causes.
http://www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/article.htm
A Final Word to Readers
Your feedback is valuable and treasured. Send your comments to Vicki at:
http://vickihinze.com/contact
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Sneak Peek
Please enjoy this Sneak Peek of Mind Reader
Copyright 2018, Vicki Hinze
ONE
It was about to happen again.
She knew it. Sensed it. Smelled it as distinctly as she smelled the freshly brewed coffee in her kitchen. And there was nothing she could do to stop it.
The images forming in her mind were as vivid and real as the chips in the porcelain tabletop in front of her. As real as the steam rising from her coffee cup. And because they were real, dread and cold fear clawed at her stomach. She knew what would come next, and yet she was powerless to stop it.
Rain pelted against the window of her apartment. Caron stared at the flattened drops beading on the pane, wishing she could force the image away.
Then it was too late for wishing. The image was there. The image of a little girl, eight, maybe nine, with shoulder-length brown hair and wide green eyes that were almost black with fear—more fear than any human being should ever know.
Caron swallowed hard. Where was the girl now? The lighting was dim, everything was blurry. Focusing all her energy and concentration on the girl and her surroundings, Caron tried to sharpen the image. But a sense of betrayal grew strong, then stronger and stronger, until Caron couldn’t get past it to pick up on anything else. Acid churned in her stomach. She began to shake, then to shudder. It was happening again—just as it had with Sarah!
Caron clenched her muscles, fighting the resentment she felt at her life once more turning topsy-turvy, spinning out of control—and fighting the guilt that came with the resentment. From the time she was seven, she had considered the images confusing, a curse, because even then she hadn’t seen ordinary people. She had seen victims.
