by E. J. Noyes
“Oh, is everything all right?” She put both beers back and extracted a jug of cold water. As she poured two glasses, Brooke teased, “What happened to getting too old to drink a lot?”
“Yeah…that dissipated with a healthy bout of uncertainty that seemed like it could only be cured with cigarettes and drinking to excess.”
She handed me a glass of water. “I see. And did it work? Was the misery worth it?”
“Thanks. And, I think so.” Assuming the conversation I was about to dive into went as I wanted, then yeah it was worth it. I recalled what I’d talked about with Sabs. Brooke, I really like you, like like you, like you. Brooke, I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. About your hands on my…ahem. Instead, all that came out of my mouth was the most idiotic of openers, “Can we talk?”
“Oh dear. I’ve found nothing good usually comes of that question.” Her smile, guarded as it was, softened the words. She dropped down onto the couch beside me.
Stupidly enough, I knew that too and hastily tried to cover my ass. “Perhaps not but maybe I’ll change that. I don’t think it’s bad. Well I know it’s not bad for me, but I’m not sure for you. Actually no, I really don’t think it’s bad at all for anyone.” For fuck’s sake, spit it out, Jana.
She set her water on the glass-topped coffee table and made a gimme gesture. “Okay then, hit me.”
Deep breath, just say it. “Brooke…I really like you.”
“I really like you too. Yay, friendship!”
“Yeah, yay friendship. Umm, also I’m straight.” Okay, back up. That was maybe not the best place to go from there.
“Yes, I know and good for you.” She grinned and held up a fist. “More power to the heteros and all that.” The grin faded slightly and her hand dropped to her lap. “Wait. Is this about me? About that weirdness yesterday?”
I nodded. “Partly, yes.”
“Oh.” Her eyebrows knitted together, and she was so utterly still that for a moment I was worried. Then she let out a breath and shuffled backward a few inches.
I shuffled forward. “I’m just…it’s…I feel like there’s this flirting and we keep having all these moments, you know? Like where there’s that intense connection that’s not just us being great friends, which I think we are. And if you were a guy, I’d just kiss you and be done with it. But, you know…”
Frowning, she nodded as though working through what I was trying, badly, to say. “Right, okay. Sure. Shit, I’m such a dumbass.” She grew wide-eyed, almost panicked. “Jana…fuck, I mean…I’m sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable somehow, it’s not intentional and I think I just forget that you’re not into women. I really don’t want that to cause an issue between us.”
I grabbed her hand to reassure her. “No, Brooke, it’s not that. That’s not exactly what I’m talking about.” Holding her hand felt so natural, so right, that I kept doing it. “You haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve realized these past few weeks that I’m not being entirely truthful with you, or with myself really. My mouth is constantly saying one thing and I think my brain is making my body say another, and I’m sure that would be causing some of that weird uncertainty.”
Brooke’s gaze flicked down to our joined hands then came slowly back to my eyes. “What do you mean, Jana?”
Hold your breath, jump into the deep end. “What I’m trying to say is that I’ve always assumed I was straight, but with you…I kind of feel like I’m not.”
Her eyebrows rose so slowly it was almost amusing. “Oh. Ah. Gotcha.”
“Yeah. So that’s it.”
She squeezed my hand. “Top tip for next time? Start with that. I think my heart’s still quadruple-timing.”
“Got it. Sorry…I guess I’m nervous.”
“Why? It’s just me, the same Brooke as always.” Her thumb slid slowly back and forth over the back of my hand.
“I know but I’ve just dropped something pretty big on you.”
“True,” she mused. “I bet it’s pretty confusing.” She was still caressing my skin with soft rhythmic strokes, the movement gentle and soothing.
“Mhmm, that’s the understatement of the month.” Year, lifetime.
Brooke let out a long breath, and I could almost see her tension exiting along with the air. “I’d thought you seemed kind of interested but honestly was just dismissing it as my wishful thinking.” She laughed softly. “So, what does it mean to you? Are you saying you’d like to try dating women?”
“No. Not women.” I closed my eyes and summoned another burst of courage. “You. It’s literally only you.”
When I opened my eyes again, her expression had changed. It was still kind and encouraging but now a hint of cockiness simmered under the surface. “I see.”
“It’s true,” I insisted. “I tested the theory. Nobody makes me feel this way except you, and I don’t know how to describe it. I’ve only dated men, only slept with men. I’ve honestly never really even considered dating women.” Frowning, I amended, “Well I think I’ve thought about it but not really? Like I just dismissed it as normal human admiration instead of possibly something more. I’ve kissed a woman exactly once, in college and it was beyond mediocre.”
“And now?”
I raised my eyes to hers and, not that I’d expected anything else, still found kindness and encouragement. “And now it’s pretty much all I think about when I’m near you. Also when I’m not near you. Brooke, I think about you constantly during the day, even after I’ve seen you in the morning for our coffee, uh…date. It’s just random shit like what did you have for lunch or I hope your meeting went well and you got that engineer off your case, or finished your designs and drawings and can relax for half an hour, and that your dad isn’t hassling you about stuff, or how much I’m looking forward to whatever activity you might suggest. You know, all our hanging out? Except for Sabs and Bec, I don’t even do that with people I’ve known for years. I might see them every few months if that. But I’m in this space now where I want all my free time to be taken up by being with you.”
The cockiness exploded into a smile, confident and encouraging. “I see,” she said again.
“I don’t do that, think about people like that or want to spend time with people the way I do with you. I just…I can’t stop thinking about you but I’m not quite sure how to categorize how I feel.” I let out a long breath. “But I’m so tired of trying to pretend it’s not the truth. I’m sick of second-guessing why this is happening, and what it means. I’m sick of pretending this, you isn’t what I want because it’s exhausting and frankly, pointless. So I’ve decided to stop pretending, and now I’m terrified.” Finally I ran out of steam. “So, yeah. That’s it.”
She slid closer, took both of my hands in hers and when I curled my fingers around hers she exhaled softly. “What’re you worried about? Truthfully.”
I didn’t even need to think before words spilled out. “Changing our friendship and I don’t want to because that’s really important to me, Brooke, and I don’t want to lose it. And maybe that I’m not going to be any good at it. I’m a little scared that you don’t really feel the same, and are just playing around for the fun of it. I’m worried that I’m not cut out for a relationship or wherever we might end up. And so much more that I haven’t even begun to unpack yet.”
“Sounds like fairly standard fears for any sort of new experience.” Her tone turned intensely serious. “Let me put one of those fears to rest. I’m not playing with you, Jana.”
“Okay, good,” I breathed.
Brooke turned our hands over, twined our fingers more tightly together. “So, you didn’t like your previous attempt at kissing a woman?”
I shook my head, feeling suddenly very shy. “Nope. Zero fireworks, just tequila-flavored sloppiness.”
Her smile started slow, blooming into my favorite playful one. “I’m more than happy to try and change your mind about kissing a woman. Just hang on a moment.” She extracted her fingers to fluff her hair, ran her
tongue over her teeth, then cupped both hands under her breasts, shifting them around. “Okay, I’m ready.”
I couldn’t help laughing, and she joined in with my mirth. I was so grateful to her for keeping what could have easily turned into a full-blown anxiety moment light and sweet. Despite the playfulness, my heart hammered with the anticipation of what was close. Once I’d regained control, I confirmed, “You sure are ready. And maybe I’ll take you up on that.”
She came back with a quick, “Maybe I’ll let you.”
The tenuous grip I had on my control slipped a fraction. I swallowed, tried to wrangle it again. “Are you sure you’re not weirded out by my sexuality backflip?”
“Not at all.” She grinned. “Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not the first person in the world who’s decided they weren’t what they thought. Feelings, ideas, whatever you want to call it, adapt and evolve.” She took my hand again, brought it to her lips and brushed the lightest kiss over my palm. “And honestly, Jana, I’ve wanted to kiss you since the moment you opened that gorgeous mouth to yell at me.”
“Oh. Phew,” I said dumbly.
Brooke rolled her eyes, her words tinged with reluctant embarrassment. “Yeah, I’ve been that clichéd lesbian lusting after their straight friend. It’s been kind of pathetic.”
“Lusting?” I squeaked.
“Mmm. Like you wouldn’t believe.”
We’d moved together, almost unconsciously, and her lips were so close I could feel their heat. But she didn’t move further, except for her eyes which shifted from mine to my lips and then back again. The decision was left to me. Emotionally I was there and had been for quite some time. It was more than caring, more than liking, more than a crush. All that was left was to see if the physical matched the mental.
I brushed my thumb over her lower lip, my decision made in a split second. “Can I?” The two words came out so quietly I wasn’t sure she’d heard me, but she nodded and made a small sound of agreement. I pressed my mouth to hers and the moment our lips brushed, all my uncertainty fled. Why had I waited so long?
Everything about the kiss was different—the smoothness of the skin along her jaw when I drew my fingertips along it, the feel and taste of her mango lip balm, the gentle press of breasts against mine and the curl of long hair through my fingers. Despite all that was new, I was filled with a sense of utter rightness.
The kiss was soft, almost chaste and Brooke didn’t push for anything more. Her hands tightened on my waist and when I opened my mouth a little to deepen the kiss, she let out a soft sigh, but still didn’t go further. But when my tongue sought hers, she broke and gave everything back to me. With interest. The butterflies that’d been quietly flitting around in my stomach went into full-on swarm mode.
I pressed against her like she was the only thing keeping me upright, and she pressed right back. The kiss was unhurried, sensuous, a gentle give-and-take without any push for dominance. She ran her hands up my sides, over my arms and shoulders, along my neck until she was cupping my face. Her hands were steady and warm, thumbs gently stroking my cheeks. It was a kiss purely for the sake of kissing, rather than a prelude to something more. But the possibility of something more was evident from the soft stroke of her tongue on mine, the quick pull on my lower lip.
It was a possibility for later. Or maybe now. Yes, now. Ideas came rushing into my head, and the low, pleasant hum in my belly turned sharply erotic. With a reluctant groan, I broke the kiss but not my contact with her. I needed a moment to think and process exactly what was happening.
Brooke rested her forehead against mine, kissed the tip of my nose. “You okay?” she asked, pulling back slightly but not letting go of my face.
“Mhmm. Better than. That was…good.” I’d expected to enjoy it, for it to be a far better experience than my first and only other woman kiss. What I hadn’t expected was to be so thoroughly turned on that I felt like stripping naked and begging her to make me climax.
“Just good?” Her nose brushed through the hair above my ear. I heard her inhalation, the sound sending a shiver down my spine and raising the hairs on my arms.
“It was really good, amazing,” I amended. “So much better than the dream kiss.”
“Dream kiss?”
“Oh, uh, two dreams really. About you. Never mind.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Well I’m glad real me is better than dream me.” Brooke pressed her lips to my hairline, lingering for a few seconds.
“Way, way better,” I murmured, tightening my grip on her. Kissing her had ignited a fire in my belly, and touching her, I had the sudden realization that in all my thoughts and fantasies it’d been her making me come. Selfish, and also silly of me. The more I explored, the more I realized I wanted more. More of her. More kisses. More of her body against mine. More skin and heat.
She muttered a helpless sound, grasped my shoulders and pulled me back to her.
We ended up indulging in a very hot make-out session that seemed to be leading straight to sex until Brooke muttered something indistinct, lifted herself off me and shuffled back a few inches on the couch. I groaned. I was moments away from yanking her shirt over her head and opening her bra. From my careful explorations I knew that her breasts fit nicely in my hands and that when I stroked her nipples through the fabric, she made a sound that sent a shudder straight to my clit.
And I liked both of those facts.
My pulse pounded between my thighs, and I could feel how thoroughly aroused I was. It’d been at least a decade since I’d done anything like this, make out on a couch, and I felt like a horny teenager. And I liked that too.
She swallowed hard, eyes slightly glazed. “I don’t want to stop, Jana, but I don’t want to rush you.”
I dropped my head to rest on the arm of the couch. “I know. I know. You’re not rushing me, I swear. I’m just, fuck, I want.”
“I know. I want this too. I want you. I want to strip you naked and make you come over and over again. But not yet.” She sucked in a deep breath and pulled her shirt down over her stomach. “I want you to be comfortable with this.”
“I am,” I countered instantly. “Totally comfortable.”
She grinned. “Oh I can see that. What I meant was comfortable with the concept of us and what it means if we go there. I want you to really think about it. And…I need to think about it.” Brooke took my face in her hands. “There’s no rush.”
“Tell that to my nether regions right now,” I mumbled.
She snorted out her laugh, which was my favorite of her laughs. “Nether regions?”
“Well…yes? What do you call it?” It didn’t seem appropriate to say my clit was pounding so hard I thought I might come apart if she didn’t touch me.
“You can call it anything you want to, Jana. I prefer clit myself. We’re adults.”
“Good, clit works for me. And honestly, I am so fucking horny I’m about to explode.”
“Really?” Brooke’s eyebrows shot up.
“Ohhh yeah.”
A lazy grin formed on those beautiful lips. “I’m glad. And feel exactly the same way. You make me insanely hot. Remember that.”
I swallowed hard at the implication of her words. “Do you think we could maybe…see if I really am comfortable with all this kissing?” It came out a little coyer than I’d intended, but she seemed to like it.
Ever so slowly she lowered herself back down. “I think we could manage.” She drew in another long, audible breath. “God you smell good.” She kissed my neck, my collarbone, sucked gently. Her words were muffled against my neck. “You know, this was not where I thought this day would lead, especially not after you did the whole we-need-to-talk routine.”
“What exactly did you think was going to happen?”
Brooke backed away from her worship of my skin. “Honestly, I was sure you’d tell me I was being too forward and making you uncomfortable, then leave and I’d be minus one friend. But now it feels like I’m going to keep one fr
iend and possibly add a friend with benefits?”
“So what does friends plus friends with benefits equal?”
Both of her eyebrows shot up. “Uh, well to me, I guess it eventually equals girlfriend?” She sounded adorably uncertain.
“Sexy math.”
She laughed, kissing me again. Yes, I was definitely comfortable with kissing. I pulled her back down on top of me and indulged in my comfort until I lost all sense of time. I lost myself in kissing her, in the wonderful heat and softness of her mouth until inevitably, the need for more than a few hastily grabbed lungfuls of oxygen overtook us. We both drew back at the same time, though Brooke remained close.
She softly kissed my cheeks, my chin, that spot on the underside of my jaw that made me shiver. Shifting just a little, she propped herself up on her elbows, and I almost groaned at the loss of contact, wanting nothing more than to keep feeling the weight of her on top of me.
Light fingers traced my lips. “Could we backtrack just a step?”
“Sure. But you’re going to have to stop doing that.”
“Sorry.” She dropped her hand. Her eyebrows scrunched, mouth twitched as though it couldn’t decide what words to push out. After a few seconds she quietly asked, “What do you want from this, Jana? Like what’s the next step for you?” Quickly she added, “Sorry, I don’t want to push but I’d just like to know what your thoughts are.”
“Thank you. I do love how you communicate, and not just with words.” I gave in, stretching up for a kiss I kept intentionally brief lest I get drawn back in to the sweetness of her mouth.
“Yes well, communication is important, in all aspects of a relationship.” The emphasis she placed on that word wasn’t lost on me, and I felt the anticipation as a quick surge of adrenaline.
“Mmm. I’d kind of only got to ‘tell Brooke how I feel and cross my fingers she doesn’t freak out.’ From here on out, I’m winging it.” What did I want from this? It didn’t take long to find my answer. “I think I want what you said before, what we already have, the friendship and activities and fun and all that. But with something extra on top and we can see where that leads?”
