“I was supposed to go on that last trip, as I told you before. I didn’t go. And, obviously, all I think about is what if I had gone? Would it have been me instead? Would I have been able to pull him out of the water? Would we have gotten him help sooner? I think the ‘what if’ questions will haunt me forever.”
I reached across and put my hand on his arm. “I know it’s extremely unhelpful to hear but dwelling on the what if questions don’t change the outcome. It happened. It’s horrible. Your grief is valid, and this will hurt like a bitch for longer than you probably expect.”
He swallowed and his jaw set firmly.
“We all have our tales of woe, right? You’ve had more than your fair share. You’ve lost good people. And nothing can change that.”
“It’s stupid, but it’s just not fair that he was taken away early from the world he so loved to explore.”
My heart pinched. “It’s not stupid. You’re right, it’s so un-fucking-fair. The world is very imbalanced. But blaming yourself or asking yourself what you could’ve changed doesn’t put the world back in balance. It still keeps spinning regardless.”
“Yeah.” He took a deep breath, and I realized this was the first time since I’d met him that I’d seen him really and truly aching. He did a good job of hiding it from me, but I didn’t want him to feel like he needed to. I had told him some of my darkest secrets—secrets my own best friend didn’t know. I wanted him to feel comfortable with me the way I inexplicably did with him.
Squeezing his arm, I said, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”
“That’s the thing.” He glanced at me for one long beat before turning his attention back to the near-empty road. “It is easy, with you. Seth, Vince, Chad? We’re all figuring out how to deal with this separately. There hasn’t been an opportunity to chat about our feelings and shit. It’s just alcohol and tiptoeing around it. I know Vince is angry with me for not going on that last trip.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Like I said, we had a falling out six months ago. It’s kind of a long story, but basically we argued over the way our lives, individually, had begun to change. He called me a wet blanket when I vetoed one of his trip ideas. I told him he was irresponsible. He owned a house but was hardly home, so while he was in the Andes I took it upon myself to check up on the house and I found about a foot of water on his main level. Turned out the pipes hadn’t been well-maintained, an issue they found in the inspection. And because it had been neglected for so long, mold had grown. Insurance didn’t cover it. I called him up and he was pissed about it. I told him what needed to be done and he told me he didn’t have the money for it.”
“But he was in the Andes?”
“Yeah. He was a firm believer in the ‘you can’t take it with you’ mantra. His savings was practically nonexistent because he drained it every time there was enough in his account to cover a trip. So, I did what I could with the connections I had, got the cost knocked down for him, but it was still a substantial amount of money. I kind of gave him a dad talk, about being responsible. If he didn’t want the responsibility of home ownership, he could always sell his place. Or rent it and use the rental income to supplement his income. He didn’t like that, told me not to parent him. We got into it, with me calling him irresponsible and him calling me boring, a flake. Told me I wasn’t the guy he once knew as his best friend.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah, it didn’t feel great. But he wasn’t wrong. After my mom’s sudden passing, my mindset shifted. I was left with all these adult responsibilities. I told myself that it was time to grow up. And growing up meant fewer around-the-world trips. I got a cat.” He laughed. “To keep me company. I wanted a dog, but considering how much I travel, a cat was a better pet.”
“You have a cat?” I didn’t know why, but the idea of him owning a cat was too adorable for words. “What’s his name?”
“Her name is George. It was the name the shelter gave her, as a kitten, thinking she was a boy. But when they brought her to the vet, the vet told them she’d been spayed, not neutered. The name stuck.” He shrugged. “I went home today not just for the fishing gear but also to check on her. She’s probably the most chill cat ever and doesn’t seem to mind my long absences.”
I wanted to meet George. I was a little homesick for my own feline back home, though he merely tolerated me. “Is she pretty?”
“Very. Part Himalayan. Super fluffy.” He glanced at me. “Why are you smiling at me like that?”
“I just find it charming that you have a pretty, fluffy cat named George.”
Liam laughed. “Yeah, I think me getting a cat surprised everyone. But getting an animal had the added benefit of explaining to Will why I couldn’t do two-week jaunts to New Zealand or Japan. So, anyway, after he called me boring and I called him irresponsible, we stopped speaking for six months. Then, out of the blue, he reached out and asked me to go creeking with him. I didn’t want to—I’ve never gone before and I knew it was a riskier sport. But he told me it’d be just us, we could squash our shit and be close again, so I agreed.” He turned off of the highway into a parking lot filled with trucks and trailers. Water surrounded us, sunlight glittering off the sandy shore as children ran along a beach.
After a long moment of staring into his lap, Liam said, “But I didn’t end up going after all. I took a work trip instead. And I regret it, Tori. More than anything. It makes me feel like half of a man, to have bailed on the trip that ended my best friend’s life.”
There were no words I could say, no solace I could offer. He wasn’t grieving loss of his friend alone, he was grieving his decision, too. Guilt and grief went hand in hand, and I knew I was powerless in helping him. So I slid across the seat until I was hip to hip, thigh to thigh and leaned my head onto his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around me, holding me close, as we sat in the quiet facing the serene lake. I said the only thing I could think to say. “I wish I’d known him.”
“I wish that too. Marrying a stranger in Vegas is just the kind of thing he’d do.”
“I bet he would be thrilled that you did.”
His lips pressed the top of my head. “I hope you’re right.”
A loud smack to the side of the truck startled us apart. “Are you guys parking or are we going fishing?” Vince hollered on the other side of the passenger window.
“Let’s go,” Liam said, opening the driver’s door and helping me down.
“I’ll help you get her in the water,” Seth said, climbing into the truck while Liam climbed onto the boat and they backed out of the parking space and headed toward an empty boat launch.
“Hey Tori!” Nicole said, embracing me. “Are you going to fish too?” She shook the pole in her hand.
“That’s the plan.”
I hugged Naomi who shook her head at Nicole. “My body hasn’t seen the sun in months—I’m going to spend my time tanning. And probably drinking. Who knows when I’ll get this opportunity again?”
“With twins?” Nicole asked, leading us down to the dock. “Probably not until they’re walking.”
Naomi harrumphed. “When they’re both mobile, I’ll be actively working to keep them contained. Not exploring the great outdoors.”
I watched Liam direct Seth as they backed the boat into the water. Vince and Chad unhooked the trailer and grabbed the ropes Liam tossed to them to tether the boat to the dock so the rest of us could get on while Seth parked the truck.
It had been so long since I was last out on the water. At least a year, I thought. There was something so freeing about being away from concrete buildings and asphalt roads, with endless dark water beneath you. I leaned back on the shaded spot I’d found behind the driver’s seat and let the wind tangle and untangle my hair.
The conversation Liam and I had in the truck played over and over in my mind. He had spilled his soul to me, someone he barely knew. But even that thought had me questioning so much. What facts were indicative o
f knowing someone? Was it the basic shit, like their favorite color, their favorite animal, their favorite food? Or was it their deepest regret, their most profound moment, the event that shaped their adulthood? Because I might not know what color Liam preferred or what he ordered when he went out to eat, but I knew that his mother’s death had irrevocably changed him, that his best friend’s death weighed on him. That he carried more blame than he should have and that he felt like he couldn’t confide in the people who would understand the most.
Even if I hadn’t already decided to stay with Liam for a few more days, I definitely would now.
18
Seth tossed me a beer from the cooler and then another to Chad. “Vince?” he asked, holding one silver can.
Vince shook his head and pointed to the stainless-steel bottle he had brought with him. “I’ve got a drink.”
Seth and I exchanged a look. “What’s that?” Seth asked, working to sound casual. The last thing we wanted was to set Vince off while we were all aboard a boat, away from land.
“Vodka.” Vince cast his line and set his pole in the holder.
“What else?”
Vince paused before taking a swig. “I have some soda if I want it,” he said, motioning to the cooler. His tone may have sounded relaxed, but his body language was anything but.
“Okay,” Seth said and exhaled. I cast my own line and tried not to think about the fact that I could already smell the alcohol fumes off of Vince.
“You good?” I asked Tori as she secured her bait.
“Great,” she said with her sunshine smile. She cast her reel effortlessly and then sat cross-legged at the back of the boat on the deck. Seth helped Nicole with her pole before she joined Tori on the floor.
Naomi was at the front of the boat, lounging across one of the sofas with her floppy hat over her face. Chad was engrossed in his phone, his brow furrowed.
I placed my rod next to Vince’s and joined Seth on the sofa directly behind the driver’s seat.
“I thought you were selling this?” Chad asked, setting his phone down to sip his beer.
“I was. Just haven’t found the time to list it. Glad I didn’t though.”
“Me too. Man, this makes me miss Vegas more than anything else.”
“Even more than Liam?” Seth asked, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me tightly to him.
“No offense, man, but yeah.” Chad laughed and when his phone vibrated across the table, he flipped it over and turned it off.
“I don’t know how you guys do it,” Vince said, sliding into the bench seat across the table from Chad. “I couldn’t live on my phone the way you both do.” He motioned between Chad and me with his bottle.
“I don’t live on my phone,” I said when Chad just shrugged. “If I’m working, I’m on it. But that’s about it.” In fact, I’d barely looked at it the entire time we’d been in Vegas.
“You’re always on it,” Vince said, goading me. Was he really trying to start an argument? Over this? I chose not to play along with him. His teasing was borderline insulting sometimes; it was hard to know if he was trying to aggravate you or just make conversation.
“You’ve been on yours,” Seth said. In the past, Will would have stood up for me to Vince. Not that I needed him to; I could hold my own. But I found it easier to not create unnecessary conflict, where Will had found setting boundaries to be more important. Vince had been chill when Will was around. I guess I hadn’t realized how much work it must have been for him to be the go-between.
But since Seth had spoken up, it seemed to unlock something in Vince. He turned, facing him, and I think the rest of us held our breath for a moment as several looks passed over his face. Was he angry that Seth had interfered? Was he insulted?
Vince opened his mouth like he was going to say something but chose to take a long pull from his bottle instead.
I felt the tension building in Seth beside me. He had always been the most like Will. He was the best at diffusing an argument instead of fanning its flames. But I think Vince’s behavior over the last several days had set something off in Seth, because I could read just how agitated he was in the tap of his feet and the way he kept setting his jaw.
I hoped we could just enjoy the day out on the water, but I knew it was only a waiting game before Seth exploded.
Nicole prepared sandwiches for everyone at lunch right on the little dining table and passed them out. Since the small second story of the boat wasn’t in use, I led Tori up the ladder so we could lounge on the pads that laid out like a bed. It was a little more private up there and I wanted the break from Seth and Vince’s silent discontent.
“This is so nice,” she said, running her hand along the steel handles before settling down on the pad. “Oh, and look! Cupholders!” She placed her plastic cup into one of the built in cupholders and sat beside me with her sandwich.
“Cupholders are pretty exciting, huh?”
She laughed. “When I was in middle school, my dad took me shopping for a truck. I convinced him to buy the one he now owns because the backseat had cupholders. So, it’s a joke in our family now. ‘Look, cupholders!’ is what everyone says when we go somewhere that has them built in.”
“Well, it must have been a good decision to buy it if he’s kept it as long as he has.”
“Can I try that?” she asked, pointing to my longneck.
Handing it over, I tried not to pay too much attention to how golden her skin looked when kissed by the sun.
“Mm,” she said, licking her lips. “That’s good.” She looked great all the time, but when she was relaxed and makeup-free like this, she was especially radiant. I’d seen so many sides to her—the bride-to-be glittery tiara wearing Tori, the golden cocktail dress-wearing Tori as she had walked down the aisle to me, and this Tori, her hair messy and free and her smile and eyes bright with happiness. It was almost easy to forget that Will’s visitation was tomorrow when I looked at her—happy and filled with light.
“I have more in the cooler,” I offered as she took a second sip.
“Sorry for being a glutton.” She grinned easily and handed the beer back to me. “Maybe I’ll get one later, but I want to stay sober in case I catch a fish.”
“Bet I’ll catch one first,” Seth hollered up from below.
“You won’t!” Tori hollered back. She licked a line of mustard off the side of her sandwich and shook her hair back, giving me a great view of her tanned shoulders and the constellation of freckles along them.
Tori peeled off a piece of salami that hung out of her sandwich and put it in her mouth. It shouldn’t have been as seductive as it was—especially because it wasn’t intentional—but watching her lick her thumb made me readjust my pants.
Catching my movement, a slow smile overtook her face. She looked from my lap to my face and back again. I should have been embarrassed of getting a hard on while watching her eat a damn sandwich, but everything she did sucked me in, made my body and brain come awake in ways it hadn’t for so long.
“Do we have plans tonight?” she asked softly.
I shook my head.
Her eyes sparkled knowingly. “We do now.” Her hand found my knee and she leaned forward, eyes open and locked on mine as she pressed her lips to mine.
Perhaps she’d intended it to be brief, but I wouldn’t let her slip through my fingers that easily. I caught her chin in my hand and kissed her a bit more thoroughly. I was hungry for her, amazed that we had held off of doing anything more physical than just kissing since meeting. When I kissed her, there was that immediate desire for more. But it battled with the feeling of savoring her. Our time would come to an end soon—whenever ‘soon’ was—and I was in no hurry to rush.
She scooted closer, wrapping her arms around me like a hug as we kissed. The wind whipped her hair around my head, cocooning us together. Warmth spread through me from just being in her embrace, and I knew with absolute dread that watching her leave was going to be a very, very diffi
cult thing.
“Why do you look so sad,” she asked, pulling away and looking at me.
Did I tell her the truth? That despite reminding myself that she would be leaving soon, I was feeling things for her that would not be nearly as temporary as her physical presence in my life?
I thought of how she’d pulled away, physically and emotionally after I’d told her how much she soothed me. I only had a couple more days with her and I didn’t want to spend any more hours scaring her away.
“I’m not sad,” I told her, because in this moment, with Tori in my arms, how could I be anything but absolutely content?
We went nearly the whole day not catching a single fish. Vince bitched about it at length, each time he reeled his line in after a tug and there proved to be no fish on the other end. “This is bullshit,” he said more than once.
As much as I liked being out on the water with everyone, I was craving some alone time with Tori. Despite sharing a hotel room, we’d had little time just with each other. She had welcomed my friends like they were hers, had been such a good sport about seeing them every day since Sunday, but I was eager to call it a night.
Judging by Seth’s mood, I wasn’t the only one. He and I put up our reels for the day and joined Naomi and Chad at the front of the boat while Nicole, Tori, and Vince chatted on the deck off the back of the boat.
“You got a little pink,” Chad said, rubbing sunblock lotion on Naomi’s shoulders. “Did you forget to put sunscreen on?”
“I did put some on,” she said, her eyes closing as Chad rubbed it on her back. “But remember, I jumped into the water after lunch and didn’t reapply when I got back.” She turned toward us, bending over so Chad could apply the lotion to her lower back. “Don’t stare at my stomach,” she mumbled to Seth and me, though neither of us were.
“Naomi,” Chad admonished gently. “No one is staring.”
Nevertheless, she grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her body after Chad had finished. “Sorry,” she said with a rueful smile. “I’m self-conscious of it.”
One Little Dare Page 15
