I put down my empty mug, the caffeine shot was a nice little perk to the system and is already helping to dull the throbbing in my head. But as my thoughts focus, so my senses sharpen and I’m now hearing warning bells – loud and clear.
‘People who love Rosie and me simply want us to be happy. They will understand and York isn’t a million miles away, just a car journey. Rosie will flourish, I have no doubt of that. It’s the transition period that concerns me but after that life could be so wonderful for us all. You think Bella won’t take the news well?’
I’m pushing him, I know that, but I need him to reassure me he’s ready to commit.
‘Yes, obviously I’m concerned about having the talk with her but come on, I already know you better than that. You’re worried sick about Rosie’s reaction and how your parents and friends will take the news. That’s why we need to be … cautious.’
Cautious? That doesn’t sound like a man convinced he’s doing the right thing.
‘Daniel, I’m about to put everything on the line for you, for our future together, and it sounds to me like you’re wavering. Of course we want our daughters to be happy and that’s why we need to start talking to them now.’
There’s a heavy silence between us for a few moments and my heart sinks in my chest.
‘Is there anything else you want to mention? I don’t feel we’re done yet.’
I gasp because now he sounds angry with me.
‘Seriously?’ I throw the word at him, unable to understand why this conversation is going so badly wrong.
‘Seriously.’ He repeats the word as if it’s an accusation.
Well, maybe there’s a little anger and frustration building up inside of me, too and I see red. ‘Okay. I’ve signed up to the NHS Organ Donor register.’
I hear him draw in a long, slow breath.
‘I knew it would be too much to expect anyone to handle.’ His voice is full of regret and he ends the call without warning. A tear rolls down my cheek. I glance down at the list of questions I wanted to discuss with him after doing my research last night. I thought this call was going to be a turning point, when we put the last hurdle to bed and shared our plans with the girls. What should I do now?
The Letter
They say you should never react in anger and I take a while to calm myself before pressing re-dial. However, the moment I hear Daniel’s voice the tension is back there between us in an instant.
‘Leah, I can’t talk to you about this right now. I need to think.’
‘You need to think … well, I need to know where this is going, Daniel, if it’s going anywhere at all, that is.’
His laugh is tinged with bitterness and I’m at a loss to understand that.
‘What aren’t you telling me?’ I know my tone is one of accusation but I’m exasperated. I’ve been patient but there is a limit.
‘I … literally two minutes before you called I’d just finished talking to Tricia. I knew something was up because she kept questioning me about Bella’s stay at the villa. Then she tore into me. It seems Bella has been talking about you and Rosie – a lot. Tricia was really angry. She said that my behaviour had been inappropriate and that Bella was at an impressionable age.’
I gasp. ‘But nothing happened between us when the girls were around. I don’t understand why anything Bella could have said would upset Tricia.’
Daniel sighs. ‘She wasn’t specific but you and I know the girls never so much as saw us holding hands. So I can only assume that Tricia has been questioning her and has jumped to the wrong conclusion. I can sort of see how it might look and why she was concerned. I mean, when Bella hurt her ankle I wasn’t at her side, I was talking to you. Tricia threw that at me and said I needed to take better care when I’m supposed to be in charge of my daughter. Can you imagine how that made me feel?’
No wonder he was upset.
‘But that’s not fair, Daniel. It could so easily have happened when Bella was with her. It was an accident. Didn’t you explain that?’
‘Leah, I’m not a fool. Of course I did. But Tricia said that Bella hasn’t been sleeping well recently and when she asked her why, Bella told her she didn’t even want to go to the wedding. She made it clear that Evan would never be her dad. Bella then said that she wanted to live with me because soon she was going to be a part of a real family. Tricia said that our relationship is undermining Evan’s efforts to get close to Bella and accused me of purposely trying to upset their wedding plans.’
Now I’m confused.
‘I don’t understand. I thought you said you hadn’t talked to Bella about us, at all?’
‘I haven’t and I have no idea what’s really going on in her head, but clearly I have to tread warily. I can’t upset Tricia or have her thinking that I can’t be trusted to put Bella first when she’s with me.’
Now I’m really angry.
‘This wouldn’t have happened if you had already talked to Bella about us, Daniel. Children can sense things even if they don’t know what’s actually going on. As for Tricia, well, it sounds to me like she’s upset because things aren’t going as smoothly as she planned with Evan, and she’s taking it out on you. You have to stand up for yourself and explain what’s really going on.’
Silence.
‘You aren’t going to do that, are you?’ My tone wavers as it begins to sink in.
‘I can’t right now, it’s a difficult time.’
‘Then there’s nothing more to say.’
I hesitate before pressing the end call button, but as the seconds pass and he doesn’t speak I know there’s absolutely no point in waiting for a response. Reluctantly, my finger performs the task and I throw the phone down in a state of utter despair.
Several hours later I sit in front of the computer screen and begin typing.
My darling Daniel,
Your hesitancy isn’t only about the tension between Tricia and Bella, is it? You’ve known for a while about Bella’s natural anxiety over the forthcoming changes in the run up to the wedding. And that it will all settle down very quickly afterwards because she’ll have you home, too. We’ve talked that through and I thought you were at peace with it. Tricia is trying to lay the blame at your door and I think you are turning that into an excuse for backing away from me. You, too, are fearful about change and what it represents. So now I’m going to be honest with you and tell you what I’m thinking.
I believe that we’re all damaged in one way, or another. If not by the hurt inflicted upon us by other people, then from experiences that change us, and not always for the better. Some end up becoming bitter, resentful maybe because they failed at something and their pride is dented. Others feel they have never been given a lucky break, labouring under the illusion that’s all it takes, when the truth is that it’s down to relentless determination. We are each responsible for making the decisions that take us forward and map out the future. Even when we keep getting knocked down, we have to bounce back every time with a stronger resolve. Sometimes that means letting go of one dream and chasing another. That’s the inevitability of life.
I also believe that even in our darkest hours we are all dreamers, no matter what life throws at us. Ill health, I realise, is one of the worst battles to fight. I cannot even begin to imagine what you went through and I won’t pretend that isn’t the case. You were staring at death and it must have been hell thinking about leaving Bella behind and the memories you would never have together. That will have been torture for any parent, especially when the best years are yet to come.
But – and it’s a small word that changes everything – you were given another chance. Maybe the damage the virus inflicted wasn’t a part of life’s plan for you and fate was putting right an error. Or maybe you were experiencing it so that it could shape your future in some way. What I want you to think long and hard about is whether you are in danger of limiting yourself and wasting the precious opportunity you have been given.
I understand your reservat
ions given all that you’ve been through. Being scared to live your life to the full in case something happens isn’t living, though. It’s faking it and what sort of message does that send to Bella? It’s tantamount to giving up when you have the prospect of a wonderful future ahead of you.
My fear is that you will end up looking back on your life – however long it is – with needless regret. Your transplant was a blessing and not a curse. I know from witnessing my dad’s heart attack that it does colour the way you will look at everything after glimpsing how fragile life can be. I also know that each day is precious and that’s what quality of life is all about. It isn’t about the number of days we have, but about what we choose to fill those days with – and that should be love and happiness.
As much as I love you, Daniel, I have to accept that you aren’t ready. Whether that’s to face your unspoken fears, or the fact that you feel your illness took something away from you. My heart is telling me you haven’t accepted what happened and in some way you feel it has changed you. All I can say is that the Daniel I met is a loving, wonderful and vibrant man who made me instantly fall in love with him. It’s time you started to believe in yourself again.
But – and as I said, it’s a small word which often carries enormous weight – I can’t let you back into my life unless you are ready to commit. Not just for my sake, but for Rosie’s and Bella’s sakes, too.
There will always be problems to face and you and I have to be strong enough in our relationship to overcome anything that happens in the future. To do that I need to know you can defeat those demons and finally let go to step into a new future as one family, together. This is about all or nothing, I’m afraid, because I love you too much to settle for less.
It’s time for you to make a decision and there’s no point whatsoever in pretending otherwise. You’re pushing me away and it’s breaking my heart. I’m here and I’m waiting but now it’s up to you.
Leah x
I don’t even re-read the words I’ve typed; I save the document and attach it to a blank email and with one press of a key it’s gone. Somehow, I have to pick myself back up because tomorrow is another day and I have problems of my own to face. If Daniel can’t face his, then the dream stops here.
Facing Facts
When Mum and Dad arrive, they are both subdued and I can see how heavily my problems are still weighing upon them. I feel like the worst daughter in the world and I am. And now for the next round of assault on their emotions. It makes me feel sick to my stomach but then I’m still reeling over the argument with Daniel and the ultimatum I had to give him.
We hug and then they sit together on the sofa. I notice Dad immediately grasps Mum’s hand as I tell them all about the agreement with Antonio. Mum’s face is pained and Dad looks angry.
‘He shouldn’t have any rights. I don’t want that man having anything to do with our granddaughter.’ Dad’s eyes blaze and Mum turns towards him, placing her hand lovingly on his shoulder.
‘Roger, the law is the law. I feared this would happen but we have to consider it from Rosie’s point of view. She’s curious about her father and that’s only natural. Maybe he won’t let her down and the damage he’s inflicted upon us all has taught him something. If he makes Rosie feel loved, as opposed to being abandoned without thought, that would be a wonderful thing.’
Dad scowls. ‘He’s a liar and a cheat, Maggie, and I don’t trust him. Think of the damage he could do if he comes into her life and then leaves again!’
Mum shakes her head sorrowfully and I watch as they speak the words that have been going around in my own head, relentlessly. I want that miracle for my daughter but I fear Antonio won’t be able to deliver.
‘We don’t have a choice, Dad. Antonio has rights and this was the least damaging option. I had to forego any financial claim on him as that was the only bargaining tool I had. My worst fear was that he’d apply for shared custody. At least this way I can keep an eye on the contact between them.’
I feel apologetic, not only about the agreement but that I’ve brought all of this heartbreak and controversy into their lives for a second time.
Mum looks across at me.
‘You did well, Leah, please don’t think we underestimate the toll this has taken on you. And Roger, we can’t wrap our girl up in cotton wool. The world is a harsh place at times and a part of growing up is learning to judge right from wrong. If Antonio doesn’t meet Rosie’s expectations then she may well turn her back on him, anyway. But if he isn’t quite the monster we fear him to be perhaps there is some love within him for his daughter. To Rosie that would mean the world and it’s a gift only he can give her.’
Dad looks humbled, taking Mum’s hand in both of his and giving it a squeeze.
‘It hurts, Maggie, even though I know Rosie longs to hear her father say he loves her and he’s sorry. But is Antonio capable of that? He tore our family apart and I’ll never get over it.’
I know they’re both thinking about Kelly.
‘She isn’t with him anymore. He told me they broke up only a couple of months later. He’s with someone else now and he has a two-year-old son.’ I wasn’t intending to share this information. I’m not sure whether it makes it worse, or better for them to know that. They both stare at me with blank faces, then turn to look at each other.
‘Perhaps, one day, she’ll return,’ I offer, my voice wavering a little.
Dad’s shoulders are slumped as he looks directly at me. ‘Some things can’t ever be forgiven, Leah.’
Mum’s eyes are glistening and I don’t know what to say because it’s true.
‘We’ll get through it and I’ll be watching Rosie closely. I’m going to sit down with her tonight and explain what’s going to happen.’
‘It is a lot for such a young little head to cope with; so many changes to come and no guarantees they will bond. But then that’s life and we can’t remain stuck in this limbo we’ve been in for such a long time. Either way, Rosie has to find out what her real father is like and I can only hope he has changed.’ Mum eases herself up off the sofa and Dad stands next to her.
I walk across to them and we hug. The seconds stretch out and my life seems to flash before my eyes.
‘Ring me later to let me know how it goes with Rosie, darling. We’ll be thinking of you both.’ She shoots Dad a meaningful glance.
‘We’d rather hoped you’d be talking to us about Daniel, too. Mum said you mentioned you had other news? We never question Rosie about anything, you know that, but she often refers back to the Athens trip. And she’s excited about meeting up with Daniel and Bella once he’s back in York.’
I don’t quite know what to say to them. ‘It’s complicated, I’m afraid. Just like everything else going on in my life at the moment. That’s another conversation I need to have with her when the time is right.’
The look that passes between them makes my heart sinks into my stomach. I’ve done it again. It’s one worry after another. But all I could say to them now, hand on heart, is that I can’t foresee any further changes on the horizon. It looks like it’s going to continue to be just Rosie and me.
~
I’m alone and the house is so quiet I can’t settle to anything. I feel that my plans for the future are unravelling faster than a ball of string rolling downhill.
The slam of a car door sees me heading downstairs and I swing open the front door to be greeted by two giggly girls. I hitch up the corners of my mouth to stop my bottom lip from trembling.
‘Well, you two look like you had a good time,’ I smile at Rosie and Callie as they high five each other and wave out to Naomi. I daren’t approach the car for fear she will see that something is up.
‘Thank you!’ I call out instead, and Naomi puts up her thumb in acknowledgement as Callie runs back to the car.
‘Bye, Leah, bye Rosie. See you tomorrow!’
As I usher Rosie through the door and remind her to hang up her jacket, my anxiety is growing by the second
.
‘Let’s head into the kitchen. I’ve made your favourite strawberry milkshake with an obscene amount of ice cream. I thought we could sit and have a little chat while we drink them.’
‘Have I done something wrong?’ her voice questions, as she wrinkles up her nose.
‘Not at all. Come and settle yourself down at the table and I’ll explain.’
I grab the shakes from the fridge and carry them across to the table, watching that eager little face. Those bright, shining eyes and the long dark hair which is so badly in need of a trim make my heart melt.
‘A lot has happened in a short space of time, Rosie. Your dad is coming back into our lives but—’ Her face starts to glow with a smile that comes from deep within and my heart sinks. ‘Okay, you need to listen carefully to what I have to say, Rosie. He misses you and very soon we’re going to arrange for him to Skype so you can chat together. Dad lives in another country now and he has a new life. Because he’s happy, he wants to get to know you again and that’s wonderful news, isn’t it?’
She nods, a little too enthusiastically. ‘Why can’t we be with him? Why does he have to have a new life somewhere else?’
‘Because you can’t help who you fall in love with, Rosie and your dad has fallen in love with someone else. They make each other happy and that makes me happy for him.’
I’m skirting the issue, I know, but I want to let her down gently.
‘But I don’t know him, Mum. And he doesn’t know me.’ The corners of her mouth are beginning to turn downwards.
‘And that’s why he wants to talk to you. You can tell him about school and the things you enjoy doing. He misses you, Rosie, and he’s never forgotten you.’
A frown creases her brow as she considers my words. ‘You’re getting divorced, aren’t you? Is this because of Daniel?’
I look at her unable to mask my shocked expression. I’m floored before I even begin. I had no idea her mind would go off on this tangent. What do I say now, given that I’m not sure Daniel will ever be ready to move on? I stall by lifting the glass in front of me to my lips, nodding my head to indicate for her to do the same. She doesn’t move a muscle and I can feel her eyes weighing up my every move.
A Greek Affair Page 28
