After years of controlling my diabetes, I knew I should be stricter with myself, but sometimes I had too much else going on. Truth be told, I had always resented it. I always made sure I tested my blood the bare minimum of four times a day, but I wasn’t always as careful with my diet. After my reading last night, I knew that I needed to do better, but today like often, it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind.
How I was going to get through this weekend was.
Before Amy and Winter had arrived in my flat above the tearooms last night, I had thrown myself into creating the spreadsheets I knew would make our weekend more organised. I had watched them whisper their worries to each other over how I was going to handle this weekend. I’d ignored their whispers and the growing ball of anxiety in my gut and as I lounged on the carpeted floor of my flat, I’d focussed on the times and hours we would all need to work and tried to ward off yet another panic attack.
‘Morning!’ I heard Amy shout as she pushed open the front door. She banged her feet on the doormat trying to rid them of their snow covering. I looked up at the translucent window to the side of me. The snow seemed to have stopped falling now, which was a godsend. The little flurries we had been getting for the past few days were enough to make The Fairy Garden even more magical, but much more this weekend and I knew it would cause problems for my customers getting to me and the reopening of The Manor.
‘In the kitchen,’ I shouted out to her, trying to make my voice sound as normal as possible. I turned my head to offer a welcoming smile.
‘Bloody hell, how long have you been here?’ I watched as she lifted up her arm to check her watch. Then her eyes swept over the almost fully-laden worktops and cooling racks. A few seconds was all it took for realisation to hit her features.
‘A while,’ I replied.
‘You haven’t slept at all, have you?’ she questioned, crossing her arms over the top of her cardigan.
I shook my head in response. ‘Once you and Winter left, I sobered up quickly and my brain wouldn’t shut up. The tearooms are completely booked out today from ten a.m. right through until we close. I knew just how much needed to be baked.’ I paused for a moment trying to read her expression. ‘So, I came down and got on with it.’ I couldn’t look at her anymore, I knew exactly what she was thinking. I turned back around to face the worktop in front of me and once again squeezed the icing bag with the right amount of pressure.
‘How do you expect to last the next few days on no sleep at all?’
‘Don’t be so dramatic, Amy… I’ll be fine, we’re in our thirties not our seventies,’ I answered, throwing a smile at her over my shoulder.
‘Point taken.’ She shrugged at me. ‘Have you had breakfast?’ she asked as she walked further into the furnace-like room.
‘No, not yet. I’ve just got this and one more batch to decorate. Then all the cakes, pastries and desserts will be finished. So, when I leave here in… What’s the time?’ I shook my head in confusion as I couldn’t read the hands on the clock face. It took me a few seconds before I realised that the clock face had just steamed up due to the heat in the kitchen.
‘About twenty to six,’ she replied.
I knew she was trying to work out what was going on with me, but I couldn’t yet put everything into words, so for the moment I kept my feelings to myself.
‘Ah, okay. So, when I leave here in about three hours, everything should be ready for the day ahead.’
‘You can finish decorating the cupcakes, you’re much better at that than me. I’ll cook us breakfast and we can sit down and eat together. Then, you are off upstairs for a rest and a shower before you join Winter over at The Manor.’
‘Well, I…’
She held up her hand to me. ‘Not taking no for an answer.’ I watched her pull out the schedule I had made for her from her cardigan pocket and she pinned it onto my neat corkboard which displayed our health and safety posters. ‘Anyway, we’re still waiting on deliveries to complete the sandwiches…and you know as well as I do that freshly made sandwiches are always better than those made earlier.’ She grimaced at me. ‘Nothing worse than an immaculately cut finger sandwich with curled up, dry edges.’ Her eyebrows raised in question and she smiled at me.
‘What would I do without you?’ I asked.
We both knew that it wasn’t her kitchen skills I was referring to, but her ability to see exactly what I needed to help me out of the emotional crisis that was threatening to engulf me whole.
‘Anytime,’ she replied, putting her hand to her mouth and blowing me a kiss. ‘Now, go and sort yourself out. I bet you haven’t tested this morning, have you?’
‘No.’
‘Do you know, for a person that’s organised almost to the point of having OCD, you completely astound me. Please tell me you tested last night?’
‘Of course, and I had my insulin. Now, I know you mean well, but get off my bloody back and get on with my breakfast.’
Happy in each other’s company, but somewhat lost in thought, we both ploughed on with our jobs in hand.
‘Yesss.’ I growled into the phone.
At fucking last I’d been able to reach my mobile after it had vibrated all over the bedside table next to me. I’d smacked my hand around the top of the cabinet for ages and finally relented in opening one tired eye so I could find it. My relief that the persistent ringing had finally stopped was overriding. I was exhausted, having fallen asleep around five in the morning.
‘You have thirty minutes, okay?’ Cade replied.
‘What’s the time?’ My dry mouth made my voice sound hoarse as I spoke.
‘Eight thirty.’
With my eyes still screwed up tight, I managed to laugh.
‘Fucking hell, Cade. I can’t remember the last time you even saw this hour of the day, unless you were just arriving home. You’re fucking eager.’
‘And you can suck my cock, dude. You remember that we agreed after the meeting yesterday that we’d help Winter with whatever we could…’
‘Yeah, I know, thanks for…’ His voice interrupted mine.
‘And when I watched her giving us that report yesterday, in that tight-fitting skirt, Louboutin heels and pretty little top, I sure saw a lot that I could help her with.’
The change in his tone made my eyes open wide and then in turn squint tightly in pain, as the bright light of the winter’s morning hit them.
‘She’s my fucking sister, man. Whatever it is that’s going on in your depraved, cess-pit of a fucking head, lose it and fast.’
The sound of his laughter hit my ears as I put him on speaker and back down onto the cabinet. I swung my legs out of bed and stood up to stretch out my naked frame.
‘So, how’s Flint?’ I heard him ask as I picked up the clothes I’d dropped on the floor last night.
‘I think you can imagine how happy he was to see his old man?’ I answered, throwing my black jeans onto the bed to wear again. ‘I think the only whole sentence he uttered was as we pulled off the lane and came down the driveway, “Why the hell have you dragged me outta Vegas to go and live in bum fuck nowhere?”’
I’d picked up a sullen looking Flint from Heathrow airport and after pulling him reluctantly into my arms for a man hug, we’d driven straight back to the hotel. I’d looked over at him several times during the journey, but with his headphones in their normal place and with his eyes shut as he pretended to sleep, he effectively blocked out my attempts at any communication. He didn’t even want to know about the brand new Bugatti Chiron I was driving and seeing as cars were his passion, I knew it wasn’t a good sign. But it wasn’t just him that had been lost in thought on the car ride home.
‘You can sorta see why he’d feel that way? You were young once, old man. Tell you what, I’ll go and see him later,’ he added.
‘Less of the old man and thanks… I think, now fuck off and I’ll meet you downstairs in ten.’
‘I’m showered, dressed and my hard on has been taken care of.’ I sh
ook my head at him as I walked into the bathroom and turned on the walk-in shower. The water immediately started to steam up the room and I pulled the door shut on it and jogged back over to my mobile, just in time to hear, ‘I’ll go down now and see if she needs a hand, my expert fingers, masterful tongue or even my rock-hard dick.’
I heard him roar with laughter at himself, then the line went dead as he rung off.
I pushed my hair off my face as I stared at the disconnected phone. That was all I fucking needed, Cade sniffing around Winter. Cade was an ex addict, tattooed male slut, as well as being one of the best fucking drummers I had ever heard or worked with. He had been born into a life where family was everything and he’d had all the privileges that money could buy. But being in his family came at a price, so as soon as he could he’d turned his back on it and walked away. He had embraced the life of being a rock star with every sinew of his body and was like a brother to me, as were Brody and Luke.
Winter was laughingly more upper-class with every year that passed. She wouldn’t take any of his crap, but fuck, I didn’t need any additional worries on top of what had been piled on me in the past twenty-four hours.
But him and Winter, together? As far as I was concerned it was no fucking way a match made in heaven. I loved him, but fuck, touching my sister when I knew where his fucking hands had been, I didn’t know whether to laugh out fucking loud or to throw up with the thought.
Mind you, it could be fucking entertaining… and shit, I needed some diversion from my seriously fucked up life.
I quickly moved into the shower and for a few minutes I let the water pound onto my face and then rush over me, hoping it would erase the confused feelings coursing around my body. As the water run over my naked body, I placed both of my palms onto the cold silver tiles in front of me and leant forward. I watched as the water gathered into thick heavy rivulets before it disappeared down the drain. But it didn’t work, the feeling stayed and the memories took over my head.
I closed my eyes and allowed the thoughts of Lauren to consume me and as I did so my semi-hard dick, not long ago woken from slumber, engorged itself with blood and began to throb.
Removing one hand from the tiles, I encompassed it and wrapped my fingers around it tightly. I interspaced my fingers in between the piercings of the Jacob’s ladder and squeezed firmly. I felt a momentary spasm of relief fill my system and dropped my head forward in resignation. I hardly ever touched myself, I had endless streams of women that would do it for me and like the shameless fucker I was, I willingly let them. The squeeze I’d given myself only gave me a few seconds of relief and it wasn’t nearly enough.
Being back here, memories and visions of her were driving me to the brink.
I rolled my hand up the full extent of my shaft and over the bulging crown.
‘Fuck.’ The word forced itself out of my mouth and my body began to shake with the feeling of absolute fucking pleasure coursing around my veins.
So, I gave in.
I moved my hand up and down my shaft, taking turns to touch each one of the four barbells on its length and rubbed over the crest of my dick with my calloused thumb. The piercings only added to the fucking pleasure as the pressure on my dick sent me quickly higher. The memories of Lauren going around in my head were of a time gone by, so I’d reinvented them with an older her in place. She was now the fucking gorgeous woman I’d only seen in pictures. The moment I imagined her creating a small fissure between her lips to invite me in, I blew my load all over the tiles.
‘Lauren… FUCK, Lauren.’
I sunk down to my haunches as wave after wave of pleasure rolled over me and then finally as it ebbed away, the unmistakeable stench of guilt followed in its wake.
After helping ourselves to what would easily have provided at least two cooked breakfasts each, Cade and I, along with several members of staff, had begun to shift everything that had been delivered in the last couple of hours. Fuck knows where Brody was when we needed him? I had to hand it to Winter, she had dotted all the I’s and crossed all the T’s. She was colour coding every box and package as it arrived at the back of The Manor, then Cade and I delivered it to one of the various rooms we were using for the opening tomorrow. This meant she could concentrate on the food preparation in the kitchen.
I’d been so fucking proud of her yesterday, as standing in front of us all she had explained that despite a couple of the chefs being ill, she had already dealt with the situation and had come up with a contingency plan. I’d sat in the large conference room, with my tall frame hunched over the table in front of me, smiling at the way she handled everyone. I’d doodled on the piece of paper in front of me and listened to her confidently address the band, the shareholders, and the skeletal management team we had headhunted a year ago, and answer every question that they, Brody and Cade had come up with.
My drawing had grown and so had the smile on my face the longer she skilfully kept charge of the meeting.
‘So, what you’re saying is, if we help you out with some of the distribution of the deliveries tomorrow, you’ll have enough hands in the kitchen?’ Luke had asked.
I’d turned my head to look at him. He had hold of his thick, red beard in his right hand as he asked the question. Like me he had kept quiet for the entirety of the meeting until now, but that was nothing unusual. Since Cerise had died he’d changed from giving Cade a run for his money as one of the most extrovert of our group, to being the quietest and most serious member.
‘Yes… I have enough help in the kitchen,’ Winter answered him. Luke nodded his head and said no more. But the slight hesitation in her voice had made me shift my gaze from him to her.
‘Who did you manage to get to help, with such short notice?’ I’d questioned.
‘Ermmm… I asked a friend who I knew had the skills to assist me,’ she’d answered, managing a small smile. With a sudden flourish, she’d closed the leather folder in front of her, effectively trying to shut me and the meeting down, which had intrigued me even more.
‘Who’s helping you, Winter?’ I could feel my eyes narrowing at her as I pinned her down with my question.
The room and everyone else in it had disappeared from my view as I’d looked at her and waited for her to answer me. For the first time, she had started to look uncomfortable. I could feel all the eyes in the room looking between the two of us.
‘Lauren Harper.’
At the sound of her name, I’d dropped the brand new pencil I’d been drawing with onto the highly polished mahogany desk and sank back into the chair. I’d slow blinked at my sister. Every cell and sinew in my body had swiftly become aware of my grandfather’s wallet which was closeted safely in the back pocket of my jeans.
Because I knew that inside the treasured wallet, in its own fastened section, was a dog-eared piece of Kodak paper. The long strip was folded into four, which separated the four pictures we’d crammed ourselves into the booth to have taken, during our last summer together. The colours had faded, the film was peeling off and separating in places. But it didn’t matter, I knew the pictures off by heart and inside out. Lozzie had sat on my lap for them all. The first one had captured us with our heads leaning together as we both smiled into the camera lens. The second, I had turned her head to face mine as I cupped her face to kiss her. The third, we were lost in that same kiss and the last, we were laughing at having had our passion for each other caught on camera. Four small snippets of what should have been our life, were captured there for eternity. They were seventeen years old, but the love and happiness still shone through.
The four small, indiscriminate, two by one inch pictures showed me on my darkest days what my life could have been. Before I made the biggest fucking mistake of my life and left her.
Now I was back, with a sulky teenager in tow and a depth of hurt between us that could easily fill an ocean with all the tears that we’d shed. I’d sat down in the early hours of the morning after Cerise had died and come up with this idea in despe
ration, to make sure we all survived, and had fucking sprinted with it.
The meeting had been drawn to a close and with me still sitting in the same fucking prone position her answer had forced me into, the staff had filed out followed by the rest of the band.
‘Is it a problem, Raff?’
I had stood suddenly, causing the chair I’d been sitting on to slide back abruptly over the wooden floor and as she walked out of the door in front of me I’d replied, ‘Of course not.’
But it was a problem, maybe coming back here to put things right had been a mistake.
I brought myself back to the here and now. I pushed my hands deep into the back pockets of my jeans and let the peace in the empty room I was stood in surround me. For a few minutes, I stared out of the window looking at The Manor’s snow covered terrace.
We’d finally done everything that Winter had instructed needed doing. It had taken a couple of hours and I’d lost my hoodie on the way, throwing it onto a dark green Chesterfield as I’d walked past it for the hundredth time. My white T-shirt was sweat stained and I needed water. I knew I could no longer put off the inevitable.
‘Oh, Riff Raff.’ I heard Cade’s piss taking voice and brought myself out of my fucking pity fest and back to reality.
‘Yeah, I’ll be there in a few minutes.’ I stayed for as long as I could without it being obvious that I was scared to see her. Then I turned around and walked out of the small sitting room and back to the corridor that would lead me to where I needed to be.
I placed my hand on the aluminium door that led to the kitchen and prepared to face up to my biggest mistake, and the love of my life.
Mentally I’d been preparing myself for my first encounter with Raff, since the moment I’d agreed to help Winter. But it was now eleven a.m. and it still hadn’t happened.
Rafferty (Default Distraction Book 2) Page 4
