I found my mum in the crowd and offered her a smile, which she returned and I nodded at my step-father.
I knew then, as I stood on the stage, that this was how it was always meant to be. Lauren and I were meant to lose each other, so we could reconnect and find each other again at some later stage. Lauren would never have been able to stand the lifestyle we had to lead all those years ago, and that I’m sure would have eventually come between us. It was almost better this way, we had found each other at a time in our lives when we could truly appreciate exactly what we’d been denied and what we’d been missing.
I knocked hard on the door using my whole hand. I wasn’t happy I’d been summoned to his office, why we couldn’t have a conversation over the dinner table was beyond me. But I knew why, we weren’t a “normal” family.
‘Come in and close the door behind you.’ I heard my father use the same tone of voice he would use when he was at work. He didn’t seem to be able to differentiate between the two places and that fucked me off even more.
The ultimate professional, the colonel and my father were the same man. It was a shame that he couldn’t seem to separate the two.
I walked into the mahogany wood-panelled room and breathed in the stale air that I knew I’d find there, ever since I could remember the room had smelt of cherry and vanilla tobacco from his pipe. I looked over to where he was sitting and found the said pipe in its normal position, clasped in between his thumb and index finger. He always smoked when he was thinking and that, I was sure, meant bad news for me. I’d already noted that Mum had been busying herself all morning, so he’d probably warned her he was about to have another ‘talk’ with me.
‘Sir, you wanted to see me?’ I offered as I pushed the door closed behind me.
I walked nearer to where he was sitting, in the worn, old wingchair beside the fire and took the seat he had offered using his free hand, opposite him. The chair beneath my backside wasn’t as comfortable as his and knowing the man like I did, I knew it was to make me feel as uncomfortable as possible under his examination.
Once an intelligence officer, always an intelligence officer, even in parenting.
‘So, Rafferty, my boy. Your exams are over, and I’ve given you the few months break your mother insisted you needed… Now, I need a date to give to Sandhurst.’ He spoke from the side of his mouth and then drew in another puff from his pipe. As he did so he turned over a thick, expensive piece of paper in his hand and waved it around to attract my attention. I could see the crest of the officer academy on the top of it.
‘I thought we were waiting for my results?’ I questioned hopefully. Although that fleeting hope was pushed away as he removed his pipe from his mouth and tidied his thick, greying moustache between his thumb and forefinger. His eyebrows then dipped in the middle at me as he frowned and he slowly shook his head.
‘They’re not necessary,’ he answered, before the mouthpiece of his favourite pipe was once again sucked into his awaiting mouth and clinked against his teeth.
And there it was.
God forbid if something I’d achieved or not, counted for anything. I belonged to the Davenport family, where for years, one boy from each generation went to Sandhurst to become a member of the next cohort of young officers, and I was it. I was the only male in the family, bloodline or not.
I looked at him through the longer strands of hair over my face and chewed the inside of my cheeks as I narrowed my eyes at what he was asking. I knew I had to choose my words carefully. Winter and Mum didn’t need the shit that would ultimately hit the fan after I’d given him my answer.
Truth be told, neither did I.
I’d known that what he was asking of me, had been expected of me since I’d gone into sixth-form, but those two fucking years had gone quicker than I’d expected. In that time, Lauren had come into my life and become more than I had ever thought possible. I never thought that I’d fall in love in with her and as much as she gave me, bringing her into the equation added even more possible heartache and someone else I had to protect from the fucking fall out.
I sat myself up as straight as I could and swept my hair off my face. Taking in a deep breath I steadied my breathing and prepared to give him my answer.
‘I have no date for you, sir.’ I lifted my gaze to meet his.
‘Then I’ll give one to you, Rafferty. You have two weeks.’ Silence consumed the room as we stared at each other.
I began to shake my head, slowly at first and faster as I grew in confidence. ‘It’s not happening, I won’t do it… because I can’t do it.’
The speed in which he stood took me by surprise and I fell back further into the firm seat back behind me. He dropped his beloved pipe into the large glass ashtray beside his favourite chair and it landed with a loud clatter, shattering the silence in between our fraught conversation. He leant forward swiftly, until his large, paw-like hands gripped the arms of the chair I was sitting on and he moved further forwards into my space, trying to intimidate me.
I heard the ticks of the mantelpiece clock as we stared each other out, noting that his face was becoming redder as his anger intensified.
‘It is what is expected of you, my boy, and no one has never not done what is expected of them in this family. We pride ourselves on doing what is required of us.’ He stood up and away from me as quickly as he’d arrived and moving himself into the very centre of his office he turned around, gesticulating at all the portraits of previous generations of the family in uniform, on the panelled walls.
‘I’m sorry if it upsets you, sir. But it’s not for me. I want something else from my life.’
‘WANT?’ he almost screamed back at me. ‘Do you think I give a damn about what you want? Playing music and acting like a degenerate are not acceptable for the life of a Davenport. We’re men and we act accordingly.’
His words hurt, they cut so deeply that I struggled to keep a lid on my emotions. Unable to sit any longer, I stood up to my full height, knowing I already had a couple of inches on him and stood unmoving. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him.
‘I know you don’t and I know what you think, but this is my life, mine. And this is what I want from it.’
He stepped closer to me until our faces were a couple of inches away from each other’s.
‘When I took your mother in and married her, she swore her and your allegiance to my family.’ Anger was bristling off him and with every word he spoke bits of spittle left his mouth in his fury.
I knew he loved my mum, but Christ, the man had a shitty way with words. He made it sound like they hadn’t fallen in love and that he’d instead found her destitute on the streets.
‘You may not be my son by blood, but I’ve given you every opportunity being a member of this family brings. This, my boy, is what the men in my family do, we train, we go to war and we fight for our country. This is what you’ve been brought up to do and you will go to Sandhurst, or I’m telling you, that you will no longer belong to this family. Your mother will no longer be your mother, Winter not your sister, and I will no longer be your father.’
For the first time in my life I understood what a red mist of anger was. I blinked and blinked, trying to clear my vision as it closed in on me and wrapped me in its cloak. But it was no fucking use, I could no longer see him and the home I’d grown up in. All I could feel was rage thundering throughout my body at his threats.
I took a deep breath in through my mouth, tasting the pipe smoke left in the air and spoke back at him.
‘That’s where you’re wrong, Rupert.’ No fucking way was I calling him sir like he had demanded of me ever since I could talk. I took a step towards him, until we were nose to nose. I wanted to show him I was every bit as adamant in my choices and words as he was. ‘My mum will always be my mum and Winter my sister. But you’re right, Rupert, you’ll no longer be my father, because you never were in the first fucking place.’
‘GET OUT!’ he blustered. ‘Not just out of
this room, but out of my house. You, my boy, are no longer welcome.’
‘I’m not your boy, and I never was, was I? From the very moment you realised you couldn’t mould me into your exact image.’
He didn’t reply and I watched as he stepped around me, turned his back on me and picked up his beloved pipe, the one that he’d carved lovingly by hand, and thought how ironic that was. As he struck a new match and started to draw through the mouthpiece I spoke again.
‘Don’t worry I’m going, not on your say so, but on mine.’
I walked out of the room and slammed his door shut, knowing how much he hated it.
‘Come on, otherwise you’re going to make it pretty obvious who he was singing to if people catch a look at your face,’ Winter yelled in my ear, and grabbing my arm she guided me around the edge of the large room. Without, I hoped, catching anybody’s eyes, we exited through the main doors and went across the hallway to the ladies’ restroom nearest to us.
‘HELLO!’ Winter shouted out as she pushed open the door. Luckily no one answered her call and I realised I might get the chance to sort myself out before I had to face anyone but her.
‘Well, thank fuck for that, they’re all in there watching the boys,’ she gesticulated by throwing her arm behind her at the ballroom. She moved quickly into a cubicle and I heard the toilet roll unravel as she pulled on it hard. I relaxed a little and moved to the vanity unit to take a good look at my undoubtedly red and blotchy face. I saw her to the side of me running the paper under the cold tap and then she turned to catch my eyes in the mirror. Her eyebrows raised at me in question.
I took in a deep breath as finally her focus landed squarely on me.
‘I know, I look a mess,’ I offered, as her enquiring eyes swept over my face.
‘That’s the least of our problems, that I can patch up… here.’ She offered me two pads of toilet paper. ‘Sit down and hold those over your eyes for a few minutes. While you do that, I want you to listen to me.’ She pushed a chair up behind me until it hit my knees, forcing me to sit as she’d requested.
I put the cold paper over my eyes and sighed in relief as it immediately began to relieve the burning sting that my tears had left in their wake.
‘I love you, you know that, don’t you?’
I began to move the cold heaven away from my eyes, to look at her. ‘Stop, put them back!’ she shrieked at me.
‘Sorry… of course I know you love me.’ I sank back further into the chair and prepared myself for whatever she was going to hit me with. She knocked into me as she clambered up to sit on the vanity unit in front of me.
‘Then I’m going to ask this only once. Are you ready?... No that’s wrong. Are you strong enough to open up all these old wounds with Raff?’
I peeled the by now warm paper away and blinked at her as my sore eyes refocussed. ‘I love him, Winter. I’ve been ready to sort this out since the moment he left me. In fact, for years I longed for the chance. I used to daydream that he’d come back into my life, you know… that we’d bump into each other somewhere and he’d still want me the same way I wanted him. But, you know the story and all the years that have passed, his marriage…’
‘And divorce,’ she added.
‘Yes, and his divorce and their son… I never dreamt he’d still feel the same way.’ I was stunned by my own honesty.
She looked away and answered as she began to rummage through the complimentary cosmetics in the wicker basket to the side of her. ‘I know you love him. You’ve always, for as long as I can bloody well remember, loved him. But you’ve not answered me. Are you strong enough?’
I took the mascara she was holding out to me as she turned back around, unscrewed the lid and looked back to the mirror. ‘I know this sounds crazy.’ I stopped speaking for a minute as I contorted every muscle in my face into the exact position I needed to sweep the first lick of black over my top lashes. ‘The only way I can answer that is, the few times I’ve been with him in the last couple of days, I’ve felt everything.’ I stopped again as I stretched out my face to apply the liquid to my other lashes.
‘I don’t understand what you mean.’
I looked over at her. ‘When you have anxiety, Winter, it quickly becomes the first, the second and sometimes the only thing you feel. Everything else becomes secondary to coping with it, until the worry of it becomes all consuming. Being with Raff, I’ve felt anger, I’ve felt rage, exasperation and passion. But most of all, I’ve felt the love that I long ago locked inside my heart come spilling out. Never once did I feel my anxiety was out of my control, not once. Being with him, and around him, he seems to make me stronger. I seriously think I need to hear him out.’
I watched her nod at my words and then, lifting her head higher and tipping it back, she fanned at her face to dry the tears that had started to collect in her eyes. Winter Davenport hadn’t cried in years, she loved to give off the air of a hard bitch and only those of us close to her got the occasional look at her fragility underneath the make-up and expensive clothes.
I loved her, but seriously? And she thought I had problems.
When she brought her face back to mine she fell forwards into my arms. After a fleeting hug, she pulled away from me and jumped down off the light grey vanity unit. I watched as she systematically shut all the doors on her emotions one by one.
‘Right, let’s do this. I can hear “Regret” winding up. Let’s get you back to the boyband.’ I smiled at her choice of words. She grabbed at my hand and pulled me along with her.
Boyband, Default Distraction were certainly not. They were four extremely attractive men in their thirties who’d lived through more than their fair share of life’s extreme highs and lows. As a package, I’d been stunned at how well they still fitted together both as a team and friends, on the small stage in the ballroom. Two of the boys I’d met and put up with in Vegas almost a lifetime ago, had been egotistical jerks in their own way. But life had smoothed down their rough edges, as only life could. They were all even better looking now, even with their faces showing wear and tear. But that always seemed to be the way with good looking men, they seemed to get even better looking as time passed. They exuded tolerance and experience, and after everything the four of them had lived through and come up against, could I dare say it? Maturity.
‘They’re certainly no boyband, Winter.’ She flashed a smile over her shoulder at me as she pulled open the door to the ladies’.
‘Oh, I know, it winds Raff up, so I use it from time to time. In fact, I knew a boyband once.’
‘Oh my God, I bet you did! And how many of them did you do?’ I stopped dead in the small ante-room of the ladies’ and pulled her shoulder so she would look at me again. I was wondering if this was yet another little snippet she’d forgotten to share with Amy and me.
Her beautiful smile lit up my insides as she turned around to bestow it on me.
‘Just the two.’
‘Just two? Surely not?’ I answered with laughter in my voice.
‘Yep,’ she replied as we made it out into the empty hallway. ‘But, both together of course.’
I froze, looking at her in question as she pulled open the door in front of us. As the music got louder, I smiled and shook my head at her. She walked in with her head held high and I followed behind her.
One of these days she would have to stop keeping all males at arms’ length. I knew how she saw life, having two men at once meant she didn’t have to worry about any meaningful connections, she got what she wanted and so did they. But, she worried Amy and I, the way she would no longer let anyone penetrate her smokescreen. The optical illusion she had created was stunning, but no one was allowed to see around the edges, to the reality of her beautiful soul, in case she got hurt again. I understood, but hoped she might one day be able to find another way.
The door closed behind us and as Default Distraction finished the end of “Regret,” I watched as Brody sang his heart out to the speechless crowd and I was swept alon
g with the emotion in his voice. Raff and Luke strummed the final chord, Cade hit the snare and Brody fell forward as the last of his breath left his body. The room erupted around us and as the lights came back on there I stood clutching Winter’s hand, the same hand that I hadn’t even realised I’d made a grab for.
As the band accepted the cheers, handshakes and congratulations, my eyes were fixed on only one man, Raff. He jumped off the stage and the sound of his boots hitting the floor travelled over to me, stirring up feelings of impatience inside me as I awaited his arrival. He turned his head around the room. I watched as he nodded at his family and kissed his mum as he walked past them and then as he stood in place in the centre of the room looking through and around the vast amount of bodies. I knew he was searching for me and I stood patiently waiting for our eyes to connect.
The moment he found me, relief swept over his face and his strides became more purposeful as he made his way over. He had to stop several times to be polite to people who wanted to say a few words to him and he did so, but not once did his eyes stray from mine. With pleasure, he accepted their congratulations and handshakes, he offered them his words and a smile in return, but his eyes were all for me. It seemed he was reluctant now he had found me, to remove them.
He was stood with his arms crossed over his chest as he listened to a male unknown to me. He nodded, bent his ear in closer to offer his undivided attention and then uncrossing his arms, he clasped the man’s upper arm as he made to move himself away.
Once the way was clear and there was no longer anyone in between us, he mouthed “Thank you” at me and I answered him with a smile as I was transported back in time.
Tearing my captive eyes away from his, I ran them over his longer stubble, noting the salt and pepper effect of it. I watched him take the few strides towards me, almost now wishing it was a longer walk.
Rafferty (Default Distraction Book 2) Page 13
