by Louise Bay
“And speaking of your career, you’re not excited about this promotion?”
I sighed and stretched my legs. “It’s not that I’m not excited. It’s just that there’s another opportunity as well.”
“My poor brother. Life’s so tough for you.”
I chuckled and shook my head. “I didn’t say I had a problem. Just a dilemma.”
“Okay, okay.” She patted my leg. “Talk to me about the other opportunity so I’m getting this.”
“I started some research when I was at Harvard. It was a sweetener that looked like it was going to have fewer side effects than most artificial sweeteners.” I pulled off my cap, scraped my fingers through my hair and then replaced my hat.
“Okay, I think I remember a little about that.”
“Well I didn’t carry on with the research when I left Harvard for UT, but in my free time I’ve been working on it on and off.”
“Because it’s interesting? Or because you have no social life and you’re a big nerd?”
I rolled my eyes. “Both. The findings I have so far indicate it could really make a difference to people’s health. And that, you know, is huge.”
“Because you want to change the world.” Brianna’s tone wasn’t teasing. She knew it was important for me to try to make a difference, because that’s what science was about. That’s what I was about.
“I just could never let go of it, and thought that one day I’d pick it up and maybe have my own lab and develop it.” I adjusted my cap. “Anyway, one of my old professors had a lot of contacts who commercialize the research his department does. I kept in touch with him when I left and through him, I’ve been talking to ARK Foods. You know them?”
“Of course.”
The next words struggled to come out as if they were too big for my throat. The more I said it, the more real it became, and what should be an easy decision just wasn’t. “Well, they want to fund my start-up so I can continue with my research on the sweetener. They believe in it.”
Brianna grabbed my knee. “Oh my gosh, Blake, that’s incredible. Your own company? Isn’t that what you wanted when you finished college? I never quite understood why you took that job in Oklahoma City.”
I shrugged, trying to bite back a smile at Brianna’s infectious enthusiasm. “Yeah, it’s kind of what I’ve always dreamed of. It’s just that ARK want me in Boston—their corporate offices are nearby, so it makes sense. I’m going to need talented scientists to work with me and there’s plenty of them in Massachusetts.”
“Is moving a problem?”
I squinted up at the horizon. The light had begun to soften. Soon the colors of the sky would begin to change. “I’m not sure. It’s a long way from Christie. And I love this place and you guys.”
“We still only see you four times a year—I’m not criticising you. That’s just life. I think you can make it back from Boston that often, and I heard we’re going to get better Wi-Fi. So when we teach Mama how to FaceTime, it won’t matter if you’re in the city or in Boston.”
“Maybe.” I’d moved to Boston before and things hadn’t worked out—I’d not been happy. I didn’t fit in.
“But you want to be closer so you don’t have to take two planes four times a year? That can’t be just it. Because if it is—”
“No, that’s not just it.” I began to pick at the bark on the side of the log on which we were sitting. How did I explain something to Brianna that I hadn’t worked out in my own head? “When I was growing up in Christie, I never quite fit in, did I?”
“You make it sound like you were some kind of oddball.” She pushed her feet out in front of her, making a horseshoe-shaped channel in the dirt. “You were very clever, but you did all the guy things, too. You were always great at track and fishing. You always had plenty of girls. You were just always the kid that was going to leave.”
I nodded and peeled off a chunk of bark. “I knew Christie wasn’t my future. I never thought I’d work on the ranch or get a job locally.”
“Exactly. No one thought so, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t fit in. You were still our brother. We just all knew you had a different path to follow. What has that got to do with Boston?”
It was funny how accepting my family was of my differences. Perhaps more than I was. “When I went to Harvard, I thought that’s where I’d find my future. That I’d be with people who were like me.”
“And that’s not what happened? You think that’s why you dropped out?”
I’d been heavy with disappointment that Harvard wasn’t everything I’d expected it to be. “I was this small-town kid, surrounded by East Coast privileged, privately educated frat boys. They all seemed so much more sophisticated than I was, and at the same time total jerks.” I’d lived in the lab most of the time I was there. I don’t remember socializing much, but then I didn’t let myself think about anything outside of the science when I thought of Boston.
“I never knew that’s how you felt.” I glanced at my sister to catch her frowning. “But you were straight off the bus from Oklahoma back then. It was different. You’d never been out of Christie. Now you’re this charming, successful guy who can hold his own with anyone.”
“I’m charming?” I grinned.
“Well, not as far as I’m concerned. But some people would say so. You wouldn’t be going back to Boston on the same terms. College is a shit storm for most people.” Brianna waved her hands in front of her. “Everyone just pretends to have a good time. I stayed in the south and I felt like I didn’t belong plenty of times. That’s called being a teenager or a new adult or whatever they’re calling it nowadays.” Was she right and it was actually the time in my life that had been the problem and not the place? “Were things really so much better in Texas?”
Of course Texas had been better, hadn’t it? I just remembered being relieved to be away from Harvard, to be in the sun and closer to my family. “I think the people were different, like less elitist, more down to earth.”
“The girls with us camping are all East Coast city girls. Do they seem so different to Christie girls?”
I shook my head. When I was with Mackenzie, things were easy. It didn’t feel uneven between us. Far from it.
“People are people,” Brianna said. “You’re going to get all types in all places. You just gotta trust yourself that the right ones will find you and vice versa.”
She made it sound simple.
“The promotion in Oklahoma City is a big one. I’ve spent the last few years working toward it and if I give this up, I’m not sure I’d be able to come back. It’s a big salary hike. I could buy a bigger place, with a yard for kids and stuff.” I was on to a good thing in Oklahoma City. I liked the people I worked with and I had a circle of friends who had taken a while to establish, and even though I didn’t come back to Christie very often, I knew that I could if I wanted to.
My sister raised her eyebrows. “Is there something I don’t know? You dating someone special?”
“No, no one since Stacey, but—”
“So worry about the house when you get to that point in life. You’re not the guy who takes the safe route. If you were, you’d have come back to Christie. You like to challenge yourself. Remember when you picked a fight with that tall kid, what was his name?”
I nodded. “Miller.”
Brianna clasped her hand on her forehead and laughed. “He was at least twice as tall as you.”
“He was three years older than me.” I’d never been short for my age.
“But he was picking on another kid, right?”
I nodded. “Craig Adams. The kid whose dad died.”
“That’s the guy you are. The guy who overreaches to help someone.”
“Brianna, that example sucks. Miller broke my nose.”
“It does not suck. I told you, I’m always right. Just because you didn’t beat him doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have tried. When I was little, you always told me that you wanted to make a difference.” Bri
anna pushed at my shoulder, trying to get me to face her. I shifted my hips and lifted my knee onto the log. “When anyone asked you what you were going to do when you grew up, that’s what I heard from you. You never said cowboy, or fireman. You wanted to make a difference—such an existential kid.” She chuckled. “That’s a great thing, Blake, and you shouldn’t lose that about yourself. It’s who you are and it’s who you inspire others to be. If it hadn’t been for you, I’m not sure I’d be here, tryin’ to help these girls. You’re the one that put it in my head that making a difference is important.”
“Well that’s sweet and all, but I’m not sure I want to live on the East Coast.” I liked the South. Oklahoma was home.
“Sounds to me like you’re a chicken shit.”
I shifted so my entire body faced Brianna, challenging her to repeat what she just said. She shrugged.
“I mean it, Blake. You sound scared.”
“Scared because I want to be happy?”
“Scared of taking a risk.” She twisted so we were face to face, like two bulls sizing each other up.
I rolled my eyes. “Says the girl who still lives in Christie, Oklahoma.”
“I live here because I love it. I love the sunsets and the fresh air. I love the fact that everyone in this town has known me my whole life, or I’ve known them theirs. But you don’t love Oklahoma City. There’s no one tying you to that place. You love science. You want to change the world and make a difference.” She grabbed my arm. “And now someone’s offering you that and you’re being a chicken shit.” She talked as if she was stating facts—the world is round, there are thirty-six inches in a yard. Except what she was saying wasn’t fact—far from it. “Your problem is you never failed at much.”
It was as if she’d lit touch paper. Heat poured through my veins. I never failed at much? “Do you even know which brother you’re talking to? I dropped out of Harvard, remember?” I shook my head and turned back to the fire, trying to control my pulse, which had started to race. I had failed at Harvard. I’d failed in Boston. I’d had the biggest opportunity in my life and I’d failed. And now I was being offered another huge opportunity, which meant going back to the scene of the crime just to fail all over again. Why would I do that?
This conversation was pointless.
Brianna shrugged as if it was nothing. Nothing. It might be easy for her to dismiss, but I’d never felt like such a complete failure in my life. “So this is the real problem?” she said. “We’ve been dancing around, talking about being far away from Christie when really, you just don’t want to go back to where you went to college.”
Dropped out of college.
“I love you, Blake.” She chuckled and I wanted to dump her in the lake. “Most of us who aren’t as beautiful, clever and talented as you learn that failure leads to strength. We fail and we get back up stronger than before, more determined. Everything came easy to you.” Like hell it did. I fisted my hands and tightened my jaw. What did she know? “And when things weren’t easy at Harvard, you dropped out. And now that you have a difficult decision to make, you want to take the easy route because you’re chicken shit.”
“Jesus, Brianna, is this what they taught you in psychology classes? To name call?” I never got mad at Brianna. She was always fair and funny and wise but tonight? Tonight she was pissing me off. “Because if I were you, I’d be asking them to refund your tuition. Seriously. Shut the fuck up.”
“You know I’m right.”
I’d had enough. I’d come here to talk to her and she was throwing out insults like we were kids and I’d just stolen her popsicle. I stood and picked up my gloves from the log.
“I mean it, Blake. You can’t let the fact that you dropped out of Harvard be the reason you don’t get everything you want in life however many years later.”
“I’m trying to work out what I want, because believe it or not, I do like Oklahoma City and my life there. And the job I’m being offered is fantastic. This isn’t as cut and dried as you think it is.”
The distant noise of the girls at the lake grew louder. They were on their way back.
“I love you, Blake. Just think about it.”
“You’re full of shit, Brianna, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, too.” I bent down and kissed her on the top of her head.
She shrugged. “I’m many things but full of shit isn’t one of them. Think on it. The light is fading. Let’s get these girls fed before Big John arrives.”
“I’ll go and get some more wood from the pile.” I wanted to get away, have a few moments to myself to calm down. I loved my sister but she could be infuriating at times. Yes, she had a great view of the world and she was insightful and sensitive, but despite thinking she did, she didn’t know everything.
It wasn’t as simple as she made it seem.
The girls had made it back to camp by the time I’d collected the first pile of wood and were headed in my direction. I smiled as they laughed and talked over each other all wet hair and weary limbs. Mackenzie being close warmed me, calmed me—made me relieved to be here. We locked eyes; it was as if she could tell I was watching. I winked at her and she glanced around as if to check that no one had seen. I kept still while they wandered toward me, not wanting to give anything away by the grin on my face that Mackenzie put there.
The girls passed me on their way back to their cabins. Mackenzie dropped behind the others slightly and brushed my arm with her fingers on her way. My skin lit up where she touched me. I couldn’t wait to get her on her own tonight. I wanted to hear about her day, make those sad, almond shaped eyes fill with pleasure as I pressed my tongue against her.
Red was the perfect distraction from the looming question of my future.
I dumped the wood and pulled off my gloves as I stared at the sky. The horizon was hosting a silent battle between orange and pink. You don’t get sunsets like this in Boston.
I turned and John’s tall frame came into view. I waved. He was dressed for business, shaman business that was. He was cloaked in feathers and brightly colored woven strips of fabric with a plate-sized, smooth, gold medallion covering his chest. On his head were hundreds of inky blue strands of what looked like wool, braided into an oversized crown, studded with smaller circles of metal. I’d not seen him like this for a while. For throwing back beers with my dad on the porch, like the rest of Christie, he was happy in jeans and a plaid shirt.
As kids, we’d all been scared of Big John. Christie wasn’t the most diverse of places and not only did Big John look different, he spoke with an accent. For the whole time I’d been alive, he’d been the town doctor. During the day he carried out house calls and took appointments. When night fell Big John shed his suit and stethoscope for a cape of feathers and an animal skin drum. He was a healer day and night, but his methods couldn’t have been more different.
Some might not have thought Christie was a place to embrace a man with such a colorful background, but as the doctor, most people trusted him enough to visit him in shaman mode at one point or other. If someone needed him, John could channel the spirits and send someone’s best future to them with the help of their dead ancestors. There was no way I’d have risked an application to Harvard without a visit to John.
“Hey, John.” I greeted him with a handshake. He was at least as tall as me and sturdy looking, as if he’d come from the earth. Although he must be in his fifties, and was starting to gray at the temples, I bet he still chopped his own wood and could see most men off in a fight. Not that I could ever imagine him fighting. His strength was matched only by a peacefulness about him.
“Good to see you, Blake. You keeping well?” He released my hand and patted me on the shoulder. I grabbed two bottles of water from the icebox and handed one to John.
“Yeah, and you and Penny?”
Big John’s eyes widened and brightened at mention of his wife. Penny and my mom had been friends all their lives. She was a warm, beautiful blonde and whenever I thought of her she was
wearing sunshine yellow. According to my mom, she’d never been able to have kids so had always treated us like her own, and we’d been as comfortable around her kitchen table as our mother’s.
“She’s just perfect as usual. And as long as she is, you’ll never hear me complain.”
“What the love of a good woman does for you, right?”
We sat down opposite the fire and John set his large drum, which looked almost like an oversized tambourine without the bells, against the bench. “Absolutely. But that’s something you’ve yet to find out.”
“I guess so.” I nodded slowly and took a sip of my water, unsure whether he’d been talking to my mom or the spirits. “So, you’ve been working with Brianna on these trips for a while?”
“This is my fourth time. It’s nice to see new faces. Help different people.”
“Well, I know Brianna is grateful. It’s good of you to do it.”
“It’s never enough. You know what it’s like. You have that desire to touch people, make things better too. It’s within me as a shaman but that need sits in many people’s hearts.” He sat forward and linked his fingers together, his elbows resting on his knees. “We can’t keep our gifts to ourselves. They’re for the benefit of everyone. If you have that kind of heart, you can’t sit on it, do nothing.” The fire reflected in John’s eyes as he stared intently at me.
Was he talking about me? Or him?
“Brianna’s given me an opportunity to touch, to heal. I’m grateful to her.” He patted my knee as his attention was caught by the girls coming out of their cabins. “Be brave, son.”
Did he know? Had Brianna told him? No, how could she? I’d only just had the conversation with her. Was he saying I had an obligation to go to Boston? And had he also just called me a chicken shit in so many words?
Jesus, what was with this place?
My thoughts were interrupted by the girls gathering by the fire. They were all smiling and laughing and most of them wore flowers in their hair the way Brianna used to when we were small. I grinned over at Kennedy, as she and her friends stole glances at John.
John quietly tapped on his drum and hummed as the girls chattered in quiet voices and the flames licked at the darkness. I watched Mackenzie smile, her face lit by the fire, as her friends on either side of her leaned closer, whispering conspiratorially. She glanced across at me and our eyes collided. I wished we were alone, or that at least she could be sitting next to me and I could be the one whispering in her ear. She looked at Brianna, then back at me and away. I couldn’t stop staring at her. How mad would Brianna be?
