by Mia Ford
She walked into the room, carrying bags of stuff, but she set them down on the bed and walked straight over to me and Lily, taking her from me and cradling her close. She was the only person in the world that I trusted with Lily, and I smiled as she baby-talked her. She was going to be a fantastic aunt to Lily.
“How are you feeling?”
“Sore, tired, and overwhelmed.” I laughed. “But completely and totally in love with that little girl.”
“Well, all of those emotions make perfect sense.” She smiled. “Look in the bags. I brought you a change of clothes and some goodies like lotion and face cream. There is also makeup in there. I know you have to be in here for at least one night, but I figured you could at least look good while you were doing it.”
“You are like a guardian angel,” I said, shuffling over to the bags and pulling out a pair of stretch pants with a high waist and a big comfy sweater with a large turtleneck.
I had been lucky during my pregnancy, and I only gained a minimal amount of weight. I hadn’t been obsessed with it or anything. It just seemed I was one of those lucky women who could do that. Still, the empty belly I was carrying around was a bit awkward and uncomfortable. In reality, I was uncomfortable in the hospital, and all I wanted was to take my daughter back to my home and relax. I wasn’t sure, though, if even that would clear the ache in my chest for Cameron. It ran deeper than anything I had ever felt before, and even with the hormones trickling away, my yearning for him did not leave.
“Thank you for all of this.” I smiled. “I can’t wait until we can go home.”
“Are you all right, otherwise?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed, wrapping my arms around my body and walking back to the windows. “Cameron was on my mind through all of this, and I feel terrible that I haven’t had the opportunity to let him know. He should have been one of the people in the room with you, cheering me on, pushing me to get through this situation. I feel like I have failed Lily in the worst way.”
“Hey, you not having found Cameron before the birth was not your fault,” she said sternly. “You may have left without a phone number, but I don’t see him knocking your door down, either.”
“But why would he?” I asked, staring out at the trees. “I told him it wasn’t going to work out, and that it was better for us to stay out of contact. He had no idea that I was going to turn up, having given birth to his child.”
“I know, and you need to stop beating yourself up over it, Bea,” she said with caring in her eyes. “It isn’t too late, just because Lily is born. Now, you can relax and look for him, not feeling like you are on the clock.”
“I don’t know where else to look,” I said. “It’s like, for every two steps I take forward, he takes five. It has been incredibly hard without him.”
“I know,” she said, loosening her stern attitude. “I know it has. I have watched from afar, totally unsure of what to do to help you. I wished every day that you would wake up to a knock on the door or a phone call, or anything really. I could feel your pain and frustration a mile away. But you did good—amazing—and I am so very proud of you for what you have created.”
“Thank you.” I smiled, looking over at Lily in her arms. “I have never loved another human being as much as I love her. The feeling is absolutely amazing in so many ways. I just really feel like without Cameron, something is missing.”
“Well, then you will just have to go to Aspen and see him on New Year’s Eve,” she said with a smile.
I nodded and sat down in the chair, relieving the pain from labor. I knew that I should be resting, but my anxiety level was through the roof. I knew that Cameron was going to be in Aspen teaching, but what I didn’t know was whether he would be there waiting for me. I could show up, and he could have a completely new date for New Year’s Eve. He could have completely forgotten about us and our promises to each other for this special day. But that couldn’t matter. I needed to go under the assumption that there wasn’t anything between us anymore. My mission could no longer be for love, but for Lily, instead.
When I arrived in Aspen, I needed to keep my head held high and my feelings to the side. I needed to approach Cameron with love and caring, but my first conversation shouldn’t be about him and me. It should be about what has happened over the last year. I wanted him to know how hard I searched for him before Lily was born. I wanted him to know she had his hair and his adorable little nose. I wanted him to know that she needed him in his life. Then, and only then, would I allow myself to tell him how I felt for him. I had to come secondary now. That was one of my roles as Lily’s mother, always putting her first above my own needs.
“All right, momma,” Hailey said, walking back over to me. “It’s feeding time. And then you can put her down for a nap and use the goodies I got you. I have to head back into work for a while, but I’ll be available on my cell.”
“Thank you,” I said, taking Lily into my arms. “For everything. Really.”
“It’s no problem,” Hailey said, smiling. “I am more than thrilled to be this little girl’s auntie, and I am proud to be your best friend.”
We hugged, and she left, pulling the hospital door closed behind her. I grabbed the fleece throw she had brought over earlier and wrapped it around my shoulders, walking over to the chair by the window and wrapping myself up in it. Lily looked up at me as I prepared to feed her, and we settled in for her lunchtime.
“You know, little girl,” I said, talking to my daughter. “When I first saw your daddy, I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever met. Actually, I thought there was no way a man like that would be as sweet and caring as he turned out to be. Your daddy is a skier, a professional one of sorts. One day, I’ll take you out on the mountain and teach you to ski. We spent the most wonderful Christmas and New Year’s I had ever had to that point, right next to each other. Everything was more than perfect, and that was when you were created. When I left your daddy at the resort, I didn’t know that I was taking such an important part of him with me. He is strong and loving, and I know without a doubt that he will love you a much as I do.”
I leaned back in the chair and sighed, relaxing a bit so that Lily could get the milk that she needed. I knew that she wouldn’t remember me sitting here and talking about him, but it made me feel better. It made me feel like he was there, just on the other side of the door, waiting to be with us. I needed to feel him close right now because no matter how many times Hailey came around or how close I held Lily to my chest, it just felt like we were missing something very important in our lives.
I made myself a promise, then and there, that no matter what decision Cameron made, or even if I never saw him again, I would always tell Lily the beautiful things I saw in him. I would try to help her see him the way that I did in my head. When she got older, I would explain everything else. I hoped that it wasn’t going to be necessary, though. I hoped that Cameron would be there to show her himself how amazing of a man he was. I hoped that when I showed up on New Year’s, that everything wasn’t lost.
Chapter 25
A Couple of Days After Christmas
Cameron
I thought that when I got back to Aspen, my life would feel right again, but after spending Christmas with Glen drinking at the bar, thinking about what I was doing a year before, I realized the magic of the place had more to do with Bea than anything else. The days after Christmas had been long, too, wondering if she would show up, wondering what I would do if she did, or if she didn’t. My mind was better than it was in Utah, but I still sat around, alone in my room after work, thinking about Bea. I had gone several other places in Colorado after I missed her in Aspen, but I couldn’t even find a trail for her before it was time to get back to work. From then on out, I had just gone through the motions, working hard to relieve the stress from Glen, and spending most of my time alone. I would wake before anyone else, just to listen to the silence of the mountain.
I looked over at Glen who was sitting at the
bar, laughing and talking with some of the other guys that worked there. This year wasn’t quite as packed as the year before, but the resort was still seeing almost record numbers. Our classes stayed steady, which made me happy. I didn’t like the downtime anymore. I liked to stay busy and ready. I had even considered coming up with a special on Christmas for Christmas Day skiers so that I could stay busy that day, too, but I felt bad because Glen purposely didn’t go home so that I wouldn’t have to be alone. We had some drinks, watched some football, and sat down at the restaurant for a good meal. I almost laughed to myself as I sat there, surrounded by the old couples eating their Christmas dinners without family as well. Had I reached my senility already?
The rest of my time there would be miserable, especially if Bea decided not to show up. I thought about what she was doing, about how her life may have changed over the course of the last year. I hoped that she had held onto me as strongly as I did her. I had a hope, knowing she had gone to Aspen trying to find information on me. I knew that she hadn’t given up by that point, so maybe she pulled through the rest of the year like I had. Either way, New Year’s was going to be nerve-wracking at best.
“So, have you figured out what your big plans for New Years are yet?” Glen asked.
“Um, a bottle of Jack and some bad television,” I said looking over at Glen, sitting at the bar. “I haven’t put much thought into it.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with me leaving?” he asked. “I can always fly my girlfriend out here.”
“Will you stop? It’s not like I am homicidal or suicidal, or even depressed for that matter.” I chuckled. “You have waited an entire year to ring in the New Year with a really great girl that has stood by your side, even though you decided to stay on with this job. Go home and be with her. You are a very lucky man for having something that fantastic.”
“Why don’t you come with me?”
“No.” I laughed. “You know I don’t do the whole family thing. Besides, I’ll be the third, grumpy wheel, and no one wants the third, grumpy wheel.”
I forced a smile to let Glen know that he was free to live his own life, and that I didn’t want my sad love story to affect his. I did know one thing. Something had to give. I couldn’t continue to live my life one step at a time, hoping that Bea was just around the corner. Everything I did, she was just outside my mind, waiting for that quiet moment to hit when I had nothing else to focus on. I hadn’t ever been this locked up over a girl, and I had to admit that it was kind of exhausting. I had many opportunities over the last year to pick up some really sexy women, but I just wasn’t interested. I felt like Glen did a year ago, when all he could think of was a different life, and the women that hit on him made no impact whatsoever. He was a really good friend, and I was really glad he was able to work things out with his ex-girlfriend. She was the one that had haunted him for years, just like Bea was doing to me.
“Have you heard anything about Bea yet?” he asked, knowing she was always on my mind.
“No.” I sighed. “Brian has been checking the guest check-ins every day, looking for her name or Hailey’s, but so far, nothing.”
“You think she will come?”
“I don’t know anymore,” I said. “Sometimes, I think that I’m on the wrong side of one-way emotions. I’ve told myself that I needed to hope for the best, but expect the worst. That way, I won’t be too crushed when I ring in the New Year on my own.”
“Well, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you,” he said, smiling and drinking the last of his whiskey. “All right, man. If you need me, call me. I’m heading out to the airport. I’ll see you on the flight to Utah after this, okay?”
“Yep, and try to have a blast,” I said, smiling. “You deserve all the happiness in the world.”
“Thanks, man, and let me know if she shows up,” he said, smiling. “You are a good man, and she would be stupid not to. Only this time, don’t let her get away again, okay? I can’t take another year of your moping ass.”
“Get out of here.” I laughed turning back toward the bar.
Everything in me hoped that Bea would come back and be there on New Year’s Eve, just like she said she would. My entire year had been spent drowning in thoughts of spending another year lost in visions of this woman. Everything I had done, every lonely night, every drink of whiskey had, in reality, been me just trying to get through the days until New Year’s Eve again. It wasn’t until I arrived in Aspen and it all started to become reality that I was starting to question whether she would actually show up or not. I didn’t want to think that she had suffered like I had for the last year. It had been miserable. At the same time, though, I would give anything to have her walk through the doors just like she had done the first time I had laid eyes on her.
I would survive if she didn’t show up, but I knew that I would have to start picking up the pieces at that point. I couldn’t go the rest of my life waiting for a woman that didn’t want me. I had to pledge to myself that if she didn’t show up, I would pick myself up and move on, trying to find the man I was before I ever met Bea. I would wish her best and send those vibes across the mountains, but then, I would close the book.
“How you been holding up?” Brian was behind the bar, just like the year before.
“Oh, you know,” I said, drinking my beer. “Working, self-loathing, searching for Bea with no luck whatsoever, and hoping that she shows up this year like she said she would. That has pretty much been my entire year. Not one of the better ones, if you ask me.”
“I’m sorry you are going through this,” he said. “I know how it feels, and it isn’t pleasant.”
“With Hailey?”
“No,” he scoffed. “I knew Hailey was a wild card from the beginning. Our relationship was a bit more carnal than it ever was emotional. She was really cool, but not my long-term cup of tea. No, I meant my high-school sweetheart. We spent Valentine’s Day together last year, had an amazing time, and then she went back to school. We haven’t spoken since then, trying to keep separate lives since she is in college on the other side of the country. Every day, I wake up, and I think about that amazing night.”
“I hear you,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ve replayed my first kiss with Bea so many times that my brain is tired. It was New Year’s Eve, right out there in the courtyard. The fireworks were going off, the love was in the air, and everything was absolutely perfect. I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t been the same man since then. In fact, those around me would probably describe me as a wreck. I spend my days trying to keep myself occupied and my nights laying around, just thinking about her, wondering what she’s doing at that exact moment. Sometimes, I step back from myself and shake my head, wondering what happened to the man that I used to be. I was wild and free, and just a couple days before I met Bea, I had told Glen how dumb he was for wanting to get into a relationship. She made me want to settle down, to think of things I used to push away, like family and the future. Now, I’m left just trying to clean up the mess.”
“Well, just remember that no matter how cheesy it sounds, the holidays have always been a pretty magical time,” he said. “If I were you, I wouldn’t give up hope just yet. You have a few days before New Year’s Eve. It’s not over until that ball hits the ground, and the countdown is over.”
I smiled at Brian and watched as he moved over to help some guests that were arriving. Maybe he was right. If I was going to carry this with me all year, the least that I could do is see it out until the countdown reached zero. I didn’t want to have another entire year of nothing but regret and what ifs. I wanted to walk into the New Year with either Bea on my arm, or the memory of her in the past. I needed a do over, a year that I could say was a good year. It didn’t need to be anything exciting or out of the ordinary, but it needed to be better than what it had been since I left this place a year ago.
I was going to forfeit my New Year’s kiss this year, hoping that if it did happen, it came from Bea. But if it didn’t happen
, and I was left sitting alone in the snow, then I would pledge one hell of a New Year the next time it came around. As much as I wanted to continue to search for Bea, trying to find her to tell her how I felt, I couldn’t spend the rest of my life looking for someone that at that point probably didn’t even want to be found. There was nothing worse than chasing after a girl but having no one behind you, chasing you. I knew that the man I had been this last year wasn’t the man I wanted to continue to be. I didn’t want to end up that grumpy old man that never got married, never had kids, and all because one woman broke him so badly that he spent the rest of his life, mulling over her memories, and constantly hoping for a better tomorrow.
Brian was right, I couldn’t give up hope yet, but I knew if she didn’t show, that hope that I was clinging to so strongly would be gone in the blink of an eye. For now, though, I was going to sit there and enjoy my beer, trying to put the whole situation out of my head.
Chapter 26
New Year’s Eve
Bea
I pulled the SUV into the parking lot and stopped. I took a deep breath, looking around at the snow and skiers, wondering if Cameron was out there somewhere, waiting for me. There were so many memories attached to this place, and I could already feel my heart pounding in my chest. I looked back at Lily, who was sitting in her seat, cooing happily. She had made the journey with me so if Cameron wanted to meet her, she would be ready for him. I had already talked to the hotel about their childcare, but I was extremely nervous leaving Lily with strangers. The only person I had left her with so far was Hailey, and it was only for about an hour when I drove out to the grocery store to pick up food for the house. Hailey was different, though. She had been there since day one, learning how to care for a baby just like me.
