by Nikki Paris
I stepped a little closer to him. “How many people have you lost, Camden?”
“Too many.” Now he stepped closer.
“Who?” I asked, searching his eyes.
He ran his hands through his hair and then sat on the edge of the counter. “I already told you about my mom. A few years after that, a foster sister in my second home went missing.” He looked down and swallowed. “They found her in a ditch two weeks later.”
I gasped and covered my mouth.
Camden continued. “Another few years passed, and then it was a foster brother that took his life. Those were the big, shocking ones, but I also lost a favorite teacher to a drunk driving accident. And I found out a couple of months ago about my sweet old foster mom passing away.”
“I… fuck. I don’t even know what to say.”
Camden gave me a sad smile. “You don’t have to say anything, Ash. I’m okay. I miss all those people, and the ones I just lost touch with, but I do this thing that helps.”
“What’s that?” I hung on his every word.
“Tributes. I do their favorite things, think about them, and smile. Like, for my mom, I buy those nasty waxy chocolate donuts and eat them sitting on the hood of my car.” He smiled. “For my sister, I watch an episode of Friends. For my brother, I play his favorite video game. I listen to the Beatles for my teacher, and for my foster mom, I eat waffles for dinner.”
Without thinking, I flung my arms around his neck and pressed my body into his. “You are such a beautiful person, Camden.”
He gazed right into my eyes and brushed the hair from my face. “So are you, Ash.”
The air between us felt heavy and slow. I knew I was going to kiss him if I didn’t back away. I knew I was going to fall irreparably in love with him if I didn’t stop this.
12
Camden
I walked into the office Monday morning, missing Ash like crazy. I couldn't deny it. I was into her. We were honestly getting to know each other now, and she was as smart as she was sexy. Ash was funny and had a heart of gold, too. Shit. I was falling for her.
"Morning, Lena." I smiled and filled a mug from the coffee pot in the corner of the room.
"Morning." Lena yawned and pulled off her glasses, cleaning them on the hem of her shirt. She ran her hands through her short dark hair and asked, "How was your weekend?"
My weekend was boring as hell. I'd spent most of it cleaning my apartment and working on the twenty-page paper that was due at the end of my internship. I'd also picked up a few hours making food deliveries. More than anything, though, I'd spent the weekend trying not to think about Ash, but thinking about her anyway. I answered, "It was good. You?"
Lena grimaced. "Mine was pretty rough. My wife and son were both sick, so nobody slept."
"Oh, man. I'm sorry. They feeling any better now?"
Lena laughed. "Yep, but only because of my selfless waiting on them hand and foot."
Elliot walked in next, with a huge grin on his face. "Y'all, I can officially announce that baby number two is on board! Whoo!" He yelled and held his arms up over his head, laughing.
"Yay!" Lena clapped and stood to hug him.
"Dude, congrats!" I high-fived Elliot. "That's awesome!"
"It is it is!" Elliot couldn't stop smiling. "Maliya is sick as a dog, though."
Tom walked through the door, earbuds in, staring at his phone. He glanced up. "What's going on in here?" he asked.
"Elliot knocked up his wife," I volunteered.
"Nice, dude!"
Elliot took a small bow and laughed. "Thank you. Thank you." Then he turned to me. "Hey, don't say anything to Ash yet. I want to break it to her gently."
"What do you mean?" I asked and took a sip of my coffee. Break it to her gently? Wouldn't Ash be thrilled for her friend?
"Ah." Elliot rubbed the back of his neck. "It's probably not my place to tell you this, but Ash found out about a year ago that she just can't have kids at all. She's been through hell and back trying to get pregnant with her ex. I don't know, man. She says she's all good, but I think it broke her a little bit. I don't want to shove this in her face."
"Oh, shit. Shit, that sucks." I set my coffee down. "Is that why they got divorced?"
Elliot nodded. "Mostly. I mean, they had other issues, but infertility is heavy, ya feel?"
I let out a deep breath. "I can't even imagine."
When Ash walked through the door thirty seconds later, I wanted to pull her into my arms.
"Good morning, everyone!" She smiled. "Am I late today?" Ash laughed and headed for her office. "Camden? You coming? We have some new bios to get up."
"Yep." I exchanged a look with Elliot and followed Ash to her office.
After she closed the door, I searched her face and asked, "How are you?"
Ash laughed. "Oh, is this part of the 'friends' thing? We ask each other how we're doing and then like really listen?"
I smiled. "Sure."
"Okay. I'm good. I'm excited about Serena. She is so damn tough and funny. I see so much potential in her!" Ash's face lit up when she talked about the kids. I was starting to love that about her. She smiled at me. "How are you? "
"I'm good, too. I heard from another one of my foster brothers. He just got married."
"Awesome!" Ash grinned. "That's so exciting! You didn't go to the wedding?"
"He lives on the other side of the country now, and I haven't been the best at keeping in touch with him. It's hard to keep up with everyone, but I should be better." I sat at my desk and pulled up the bio spreadsheet on my computer. I saw that Ash had added Serena's bio the night before at 11:41.
"Ash?"
"Yeah?"
"How many hours a week would you say you work on Bright Start's stuff?"
"Um…" Ash drummed her fingertips on her desk. "I don't know, fifty? Sixty? Why?"
I smiled at her. "I think it's more like seventy or eighty."
She shrugged. "Could be. I don't keep track." Ash shuffled some papers on her desk and then sighed when she realized I was still looking at her. "I want to fix all the shit in the world, Camden."
I nodded. "You have a good heart, Ash. Coming from a kid that grew up in the system, the world needs more people just like you."
Ash grinned at me. "That was a really sweet, friendly compliment."
I smiled at her and turned back to my computer. I wanted to ask her if she'd lost any babies. I wanted to know if her husband was an asshole about her not being able to get pregnant. I ached to ask her if she still hurt inside, knowing she'd never have her own baby. But she'd never volunteered that information. It was deeply personal, and she hadn't shared it with me yet. I wasn't supposed to know.
"Yo, Ash, can I steal you for a sec?" Elliot stood in the doorway. I knew he wanted to tell her privately about his new baby, and I had a strange visceral reaction to it. I didn't want him to say a God-damn word to Ash if it would hurt her.
"Yup." Ash picked up a scrap of paper and set it on my desk on her way out. "Camden, would you mind calling these schools and letting them know about our seniors' scholarship program? Our next outreach event is about our scholarships, and I want to get as many kids as we can to show up and start thinking about college."
"Okay, boss." I smiled at her and watched her walk out with Elliot. Was she going to be all right?
I called all three of the schools on Ash's little hand-written note and then added photos to the bios Ash had written. After a solid thirty minutes, she still wasn't back from her chat with Elliot. Finally, just as I was about to check on her, she walked back into the office.
I instantly noticed her red-rimmed eyes.
"Ash," I said, "you okay?"
She raised her eyebrows at me. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be? What did the schools say?"
I watched her carefully. Should I push it and ask her more questions? "The schools are stoked, and they'll announce to the kids who qualify." I pretended to get back to work on editing bios. Then I glanced up and casually asked, "W
hat did Elliot need?"
Ash stiffened. "Oh, well, I missed his little announcement this morning, so he wanted to fill me in. So exciting! God, I swear he can get his wife pregnant just by looking at her!" She faked a laugh. Then she said, "Then we just had some other budget stuff to chat about."
I nodded. "Do you want me to post about the next outreach thing on social media now?"
"Yeah, that would be perfect! Thank you!" Ash's smile was tight. "Hey, I left some stuff in my car that I need. I'm going to go grab it." Then she hurried out before I could say anything else.
Fuck. She was hurting, and I just wanted to hold her.
◆◆◆
"Dude. I'm falling for her. I've never felt this way before."
Jonah stayed quiet as we walked toward the basketball court for our weekly Sunday morning game. I ran my hands through my hair and groaned. "I can't get her out of my head!"
Jonah chuckled and shook his head. "You tell her how you feel?"
I shook my head. "It was only supposed to be sex. Then the sex got 'complicated' in her mind, and now we're just supposed to be friends. I don't want to be the cliche that fell in love while she's totally cool."
"Is she cool?"
I shrugged. "She tries to keep her distance, but she's been hurt, really bad."
"So have you." Jonah dribbled the ball. "Ain't we all been hurt?"
"No truer words, bro."
Jonah took his shot, and it sailed through the net. He raced forward and jumped up to catch the ball as it fell toward the ground. He passed it to me and asked, "You gonna take your shot?"
I didn't know if he was asking about basketball or Ash. Either way, the answer was yes. I'd tried sitting back and letting life happen to me, but the world didn't just hand you the things you desperately wanted. You had to fight for them. You had to take your shot.
13
Ash
“Let’s go out tonight.” Camden watched me from his desk with his sexy eyes.
I laughed. “I think that would be dangerous.”
He grinned. “I promise not to actively try to fuck you.”
“So you might passively try to fuck me?” I couldn’t keep the smile from my face.
Camden laughed and leaned back in his chair. “I’m just saying that if it happens, it happens, but I won’t push for it.”
By some crazy miracle, it had been four weeks since our last sexual encounter. I hadn’t slept with anyone else in that time, either, so my level of desire was sky-high. Judging by the look in Camden’s eyes right now, he felt the same way. If we went out tonight, it would most definitely end in sex.
I bit my lip. Did I want to sleep with Camden? Absolutely. Was it getting any easier to resist him the longer we stayed “just friends?” Absolutely not.
“Come on, Ash. Let’s just have dinner. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated. I know how much you hate that word.”
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. I shouldn’t. I’d only been divorced for four months! It was so unhealthy to just jump from relationship to relationship. I didn’t just like having sex with Camden. I liked being around him, too. I liked the talking and the laughing and the completely effortless feeling.
Camden still stared me down. “Okay, I swear I won’t even touch you. We will just have dinner and talk.” He smiled at me. “I like talking to you.”
“Yeah, okay. That would be fine. We could just do a friendly, talking dinner.”
Who was I kidding?
◆◆◆
When I met Camden at the restaurant two hours later, I knew I was going to jump his bones. He looked like a God in a fitted black button-down and dark wash jeans. His hair was begging to be messed up and his lips to be kissed.
“Hi.” I felt breathless.
“Damn, Ash. You wore that dress and those shoes, and you want me to keep my hands off of you?” His sexy smile sent a torrent of butterflies rushing through my stomach.
I looked down at my dress. It was a short navy blue halter dress with an open back. It hugged my body, and I hoped it would drive him crazy because I loved it when he looked at me the way he was looking at me now.
I laughed and slid my arms around his neck. “I don’t know what I want, Camden. I think that’s been pretty obvious since day one.”
His lips hovered only a few inches from mine. “I think you know exactly what you want, Ash. I think you’re just scared.” Then he stepped away from me and held the restaurant door open.
We’d decided on a little Italian bistro. The lighting was dim, and the music soft and romantic. It felt sexy and intimate. We knew exactly what we were doing when we picked this restaurant. We knew exactly what would happen when the dinner was over.
Why did I keep pretending I wasn’t in love with him?
We sat at our table, and Camden smiled at me. “Okay, Ash, just talking tonight. Let’s just ask each other everything we’ve ever wanted to know. I’ll go first.” His eyes traveled down my body and then flicked back up to my eyes. “What does the butterfly tattoo mean?’
I laughed and shook my head. “Nothing. It was a drunken mistake. It was Aria’s fault. She gave me eight shots of vodka, and then, naturally, we went to get tattoos.” I shrugged and laughed again. “You know, you were Aria’s fault, too. She told me to go to a club and get laid after my divorce was finalized.”
Camden grinned at me. “Well, I guess I need to thank Aria for two things. The tattoo is sexy, and I love it. And, I mean, the club night was incredible. That goes without saying.”
I smiled. “You like the tattoo? Really?” I still remembered how pissed Maddox had been when I came home with it. We’d only been married a few months at the time, and he lectured me on how immature and stupid it was. He told me I was out of control when I hung out with Aria.
“Absolutely.” Camden took a sip of water. “It’s feminine and beautiful, but it’s also kinda badass, like you.”
“How is a butterfly badass?”
“Seriously? They start as caterpillars, then they wrap themselves up, dissolve into nothing, and then bust out with wings! How is that transformation not badass?”
I laughed. “Okay, I guess I see it now.” I met his gaze and said, “You might have just changed my mind about my drunken tattoo.”
“Good, Ash. Maybe I’ll be able to change your mind about some other things, too.” He was giving me his sexy eyes, and I swore I was about to melt. “What do you want to ask me?”
The waiter walked up right then to take our orders. After he left, I asked, “Have you been sleeping with any other women since we met? Do you hook up a lot?”
Camden raised his eyebrows at me. “That’s two questions, but I’ll bend the rules for you, boss because the answer to both questions is the same. No.”
“No?”
He laughed. “Ash, I was at the club for my foster brother. He’d just turned twenty-one and wanted to have his first hook-up. I was there to keep an eye on him.” Camden leaned forward. “You are the one that took me home.”
“Okay. You just seemed like you knew what you were doing that night!”
“So did you.”
I cleared my throat as the waiter brought our food and filled our wine glasses.
“My turn.” Camden asked, “What’s your family like?”
“Well, I’m an only child who grew up in suburbia, with two parents pushing me to work hard and make a difference. They live a few hours away in the same house where I grew up. I guess pretty boring.”
Camden smiled. “That’s all I ever wanted as a kid.”
“Oh, shit. Sorry. That probably sounded so privileged and insensitive.”
Camden grinned at me and reached across the table to hold my hand. “It did, Ash, but I forgive you,” he teased. Then his face turned serious. “I wanted it as a kid, but I look back and am grateful for every person I know. They’re all a part of me, and they all taught me different things that brought me to where I am now. I’m here, about to graduate with a Socio
logy degree, interning at the coolest non-profit in the country, and sitting across from the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. If my life brought me here, then every second was worth it.”
“Wow. I love the way you see the world.” I ran my index finger along his palm. “And for what it’s worth, I’m happy your life brought you here, too.”
“Aw, thanks, Ash. So you’re saying you’re glad you know me?” He grinned at me.
I laughed. “I’m saying I’m glad that I know you.” It was my turn to ask a question. “What was the best and worst thing about your last relationship?”
We paused again as the waiter stopped by to see if we needed anything, then Camden answered. “I’m worried that you’re going to judge me here, but I can’t honestly say that any of my past experiences could be called a ‘relationship.’ I think the longest one was like two weeks.” He shrugged. “So going off of that, um, best thing, I’ve met a lot of cool people —”
“You mean fucked a lot of cool people?” I laughed.
“See?” Camden laughed and shook his head. “Judgement, Ash!”
“I’m sorry, please continue.” I smiled.
“As I was saying,” he gave me a pointed look, “I’ve met a lot of cool people, but I haven’t gotten deep with anyone, and that sucks.”
I snorted and covered my face with both hands. “It does feel good to go deep, doesn’t it? If I’m remembering correctly, you don’t mind the sucking, either.”
“Ms. Piper,” Camden laughed, “I was trying to have a serious moment with you, and you turned it sexual. Who’s the older one here?”
I shrugged. “Age is relative, isn’t it? Your turn to ask a question.”
“Same question.”
Ugh. He wanted me to talk about Maddox. I bit my lip and stared at my hands. What was the best part of being with Maddox? And how could I tell Camden the worst part without also telling him about my infertility? I took a deep breath and said, “The best part was our big, gorgeous house and the appearance of perfection. The worst part was how he made me feel — like I was small and broken, and like our issues were mostly my fault.”
