by Katt Rose
“What’s wrong?”
“I have a voicemail from Sam.” I dialled the code and listened to the far away voice in my ear. Hi Emmy, it’s aunt Sam. I know you don’t feel comfortable here but I think it’s best to keep you in the loop. Your mom had an episode this morning, she, well her mind isn’t in the present right now. Call me when you can.”
“Em?”
I stared at the phone in silence. My shoulders slumped in defeat. My childish hope of bringing my mother back to where it all started had failed. I had this unspoken wish if I could bring her back to the beginning, it could wash away the battle for her.
“Emmy?”
I forced my gaze to meet the man before me. “Can you take a picture of me?”
Chase furrowed his brows. “Excuse me?”
“Can you take a picture of me? Not here, outside in the snow.”
“Uh-sure.”
“Let’s go.”
He followed me into the winter wonderland and I grabbed my board. I gave him my phone. “I’m ready.”
He held up the phone and I heard the click of the shutter. I watched as a woman began to walk our way. “Excuse me, would you mind taking a picture of us?”
“Not at all.”
“Thank you.” I stood next to Chase and gave him a small grin. “Smile.”
He looked at the phone held in our direction and gave an awkward grin. The woman returned the phone. “I took a few for you.”
“Thank you.”
I studied the photos and smiled. Those would do. Chase’s voice brought me back. “Do you care to tell me what’s going on?”
“My mom’s mind left this morning.”
“Oh, shit. Em-“
“Nothing can stop it, Chase. It’s not going to stop, its only going to get worse. There will be a day when it leaves for good. One day, she won’t remember who I am. I can’t let that happen.”
Recognition filled his features. “That’s what the pictures are for.”
“Yes. I’m going to make her a photo album. This way she’ll have something with her at all times. Hopefully she can find comfort in it, even when her mind let’s me go.”
Chase placed his hand on the small of my back. “I don’t think she’ll ever let you go. Even on those days when she can’t remember your name, I think you will always be familiar to her; the bond is deeply rooted.”
“I hope so. Do you mind if we go?”
“No, I’ll take you back.”
“Thank you. We need to pick up my car anyways.”
“Looks like your cars still here safe and sound.”
“Yeah.” I unclipped my seat belt and forced a small smile. “Thanks for today, it was fun.”
“No problem. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I opened the door and left the warmth of the truck.
“I’ll call you later then?”
“Sounds good.” I slammed the door shut and watched Chase drive away. The snow swirled slowly around me and I ambled toward my car. I scowered my trunk for the ice scraper and began to uncover my windshield. I dusted the snow off my hands in satisfaction and slid inside the cold car. The engine faltered in protest but finally caught. I let my head fall heavily against the headrest and waited for the heat to fill the cab. Why. Why is this happening to us? Aaron….why aren’t you here? I don’t want to do this on my own. Sadness filled my veins like ice water. Shit. Shit. Shit. I slammed my palm against the steering wheel and let out a curse to the sky. I stuck the car in drive and headed to my place of solace. I walked down the aisle way of the barn and kept my eyes to the ground; I was in no mood to make small talk with anyone.
Ace stuck his head over the stall door. His black tipped ears perked forward and his eyes were bright with curiosity. “Hey, handsome boy.”
Ace craned his head to the side and let out a neigh. I stepped into his view and his nostrils quivered with low excitement. “Hey bud. Want to go for a ride?”
I entered the stall and tossed his halter over his delicate head. He stood quietly as I gave him a quick brush down and saddled him up. Once I swung into the saddle he began to prance restlessly. He seemed to sense the unease that boiled within me; the need to run, to escape. To simply disappear. I kept Ace at a slow walk as we left the barn; the clip clop of his hooves on the concrete echoed around us. Once we were outside the snow silenced everything. It muffled the sounds from the outside world from us. I let Ace transition into a smooth trot as we headed for the open field. I fell into an easy rhythm with Ace’s bouncy movements as though no time had passed at all between us. He responded to the slightest movement from my body, our minds melded into one.
Emmy. Where are you? Emmy, please don’t leave me here. Come back, please, come back. I shook my head as the memories began to unfold. My mind was beginning to waver being back here. Everything I had worked so hard to forget was now an open wound. A wave of panic tore through me. I felt like a caged animal, restlessly pacing, wanting, no needing to escape. No matter how I played it in my head, there was nothing left I could do. I simply could not take my mother’s mind, place it in a box and keep it safe. It was a living thing with a mind of its own. It was a ghost, it had no shape, no physical form for me to chain to her. It could slip away through the cracks anytime it wanted. It was not fair. It should be attached to her soul, her body. It should keep her safe. It was her home. But it failed her-her own body had failed her; it was the ultimate betrayal.
My thoughts transitioned to my body and Ace felt it. Ace’s pace grew choppy and my muscles tensed and tightened in response. I leaned forward over his neck and wrapped my hands in his course mane. “Let ‘er fly.”
That was all he needed. He remembered our years together, the cues I had given him so long ago. In one quick burst he plunged forward into a dead run. The bitter wind nipped at my skin and stole my breath. The tips of my fingers began to numb but I did not care. My mind stilled as Ace outran my broken memories. The tears I had suppressed for so long began to fall and I worried they would freeze. I let Ace run until he slowed to a walk. He let out a loud snort and tossed his head.
I leaned forward and gave him a hearty pat. “Good boy, bud. Ready to go home?”
Once we were back at the barn I took time giving Ace a good brush down and tossed on his winter blanket. I placed a few extra treats into his dinner and tucked him in for the night. “See you tomorrow, Ace. Thanks for taking me away.”
I walked slowly to my car and had every intention of heading back to Elayna’s for the night. However, an internal battle waivered inside of me. Guilt for leaving my mother alone when she needed me the most weighed heavy on my heart. Selfishness whispered loudly in my ear. Would she even notice if I didn’t come around? A part of me, a rather large part did not want to be around her when she disappeared. I did not want that burned into my brain. I did not want to see my strong shell of a mother wither away in front of my eyes. I did not want to care. I did not want to deal with it anymore.
With one voice ringing louder than the other I drove straight to the pub.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The alcohol warmed me from deep within. The rosy flush danced across my skin, making me feel temporarily alive again. With each sip I took, the guilt got quieter and quieter. A drunken smile appeared on my lips. “I win.” I whispered to myself.
But the memories became louder in my head. They banged loudly against the cage I had locked them behind. The familiar surroundings I had walked back into were making them harder and harder to silence. My eyes felt heavy from emotion and lack of sleep. I let them drift close and he appeared. Aaron. I saw his confident grin and heard his sparkling laughter. “Lighten up, sis. It’s only life. Don’t let it get you down.” My eyes fluttered open and a familiar face stared back at me. I jumped in surprise.
“Sorry, gave you a fright huh?”
My mind groggily began to filter names through my head. “Craig?”
“The one and only.” Craig narrowed his eyes as he
stared down at me. “You a little drunk are ya?”
“Maybe,” I muttered.
“Becoming a habit I see.”
“Excuse me?”
“I heard you jumped my sister a few nights ago.”
“I wouldn’t say I jumped her. I warned her to stop talking about Aaron but she wouldn’t keep her mouth shut. Surprise, surprise. She always did like to hear herself talk.”
Craig’s jaw tightened. “She was talking about Aaron?”
I stood up to my full height and sighed. “If you’re going to go around and accuse people of unwarranted actions, get the whole story first.”
“What did she say about Aaron?”
It was my turn to narrow my eyes. “What does it matter?”
“It doesn’t.”
I glared at him. “Then don’t fucking ask.” Anger coursed through me. “What is it with you Brooks’? Stop mentioning him to me. Just. Stop.”
The noise in the pub had come to a near silence. I looked around the room and flashes of curious bystanders gazed upon us. Craig looked uncomfortable and shook his head. “I think I should take you home.”
“Don’t touch me.” I shook off his hand.
“Emmy, can we please not make anymore of a scene than we already have?”
I glowered at him and dug through my purse for my phone. “Give me a minute,” I muttered. I dialled Elayna’s number and got her voicemail. “Dammit.”
Craig cleared his throat. “I can drive you.”
“I think not.” I held up my finger to silence him and dialled Chase. Don’t pick up. Please don’t pick up.
“Miss me already, huh?”
He picked up. Crap. “Funny story…do you think you can give me a ride home?”
“Where are you?”
“The pub.” Silence filled the other end. I waited for what felt like an eternity and Chase had yet to respond. “Chase, are you still there?”
“I’m on my way.” The line went dead but his tone was not pleased.
Craig cleared his throat. “I’ll wait with you outside.”
I didn’t argue. I let him weave me through the crowd until the night air slapped me. Craig leaned against the pillar and crossed his arms. “So,” he began. “Picked up where you two left off, huh.”
“Shut up.”
“Touchy subject.”
“No, it’s none of your business.”
“Not normally. But you know my sister was seeing him for a bit.”
“So I heard.”
“Broke her heart when he ended things. I don’t understand myself what the big deal is with Chase Havens. Poor taste in my opinion.”
I forced myself to look at him, smug smile and all. “I forgot how much of an asshole you are.”
Craig took a bow. “Emmy?”
“What?”
“Why are you back?”
His question jolted me. “I’m sure you’ve heard about my mom.”
“Yeah, I did. I am sorry.”
“She wanted to come back, she wanted to go home. She wanted to see Aaron.”
Craig stiffened. “Why?”
“Why does it bloody well matter to you?”
“It doesn’t. I just think some things are better left alone.”
“That’s one thing we can agree on.”
“Em?” Chase rounded the corner and he did not look happy. His eyes drifted between Craig and I. “You okay?”
Craig smirked. “Don’t worry bud, she’s all yours.”
I glared at him. “Go away.”
Craig held up his hands. “My pleasure.” His smirk deepened. “Its nice to see you back round here.” Craig turned on his heel and shoulder checked Chase as he left.
Chase’s eyes evaluated me in a calculated manner. “What happened?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Dunno. I went to the barn and took Ace out; I needed to clear my head. I had every intention of going to see my mom but that clearly didn’t happened. Drinking sounded better apparently.”
Chase shook his head slowly. “C’mon, lets get you out of here.”
I didn’t argue. “Okay.”
Chase helped me inside his truck. My head fell heavy against the headrest and the world began to spin. I closed my eyes and I hoped for nothingness; but my mind betrayed me. I wanted to see nothing but darkness, anything but what my mind conjured up. Instead, I saw Aaron and my mother with their bright eyes and carefree smiles.
“Sooo, what do you think?” Aaron drawled.
Audrey put her hand on a hip and smirked. “The Jeep suits you. Are you going to take me for a spin, or what?”
Aaron brightened. “Hop on in and hold on tight.”
I squeezed my hands into fists and shook the memory away. Those days were dead and gone. No more, never again. My eyes flew open and I was surprised as the salty warm water dripped down my face.
“Em? Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not. I don’t know what okay feels like anymore.”
Chase squeezed my knee and started the truck. I watched the frozen world speed by and pleaded my brain to quiet. I wished desperately that I could run away from it all: the worry, the fear, the anger, the guilt. Everything. I wanted a break from my life, from me. I had hoped the alcohol would help me reach my destination of numbness but my attempt had been cut short.
“We’re here.”
Chase snapped me away from my thoughts. I stared up at the quaint A frame log house before me. I squinted against the night looking from left to right. “Oh.” My heart stilled. “You finished it.”
“I did.”
“Oh.” I shoved the truck door open and stood in the frozen snow. I took careful steps toward the house as my boots crunched crunched in the white powder. My eyes began adjusting to the hazy darkness slightly lit by the winter white backdrop. I noted the detached shop in the distance. Chase fell into step with me as we stepped onto the covered wrap around porch. He unlocked the door and gestured me inside.
The warmth from the house tickled my skin as I began to thaw instantly. A roaring fire crackled in the living room, which was the heart of the home. I let out a low whistle. “It’s beautiful.”
“Thanks.”
I took my coat off and hung it on the rack. I took a quick walk around and noted the country style kitchen, washrooms, large picturesque windows and the loft upstairs, which held the bedroom. The house felt warm, personally touched by Chase. “I mean it, Chase. This place really suits you.”
He shrugged.”I should hope so, since I built the damn place.”
I stifled a gasp and ignored the feeling as though I was socked in the stomach. I began to take a closer look at the finer details. Nothing was spared. “Wow. You did it; you really did it, didn’t you? This house is built by joinery isn’t it?”
No nails, or screws were used. Every joint was hand crafted by his hands to fit and lock together like a large puzzle. I stared at the beams above in wonder. He did it without me. While we were together, we had bought a piece of land. This had been Chase’s dream, our dream. And while I left and my world fell apart, he had picked himself up and marched on while I was left gasping to keep my head above water.
Chase noticed my face change. He took a step closer and wrapped me in his arms. “Em, it’s okay. Shh, it’s okay.”
I didn’t know I was sobbing. As his arms held me, I fell apart. No matter how hard he squeezed, he wouldn’t be able to hold me together, not tonight. “I’m scared Chase. I’m terrified to see my mom disappear; I’m scared of how easy it is to leave her alone. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m scared all the damn time.”
“I know you are. There are no rulebook here. Let yourself feel whatever it is that you need to feel. Give it time.”
I wriggled out of his embrace and met his eyes. “Time isn’t the friend here. We don’t have time.”
Chase flinched. “I’m sorry. Poor choice of words.”
I fell onto the couch behind me. Chase sat across from me in the single recli
ner. My eyes fell onto him and I let them take their time taking him in. His hair and beard were slightly dishevelled. His blue gray eyes met mine and didn’t look away. “I don’t know how I ever left you.”
Chase’s body tensed slightly. “Em-“
“Look at what you did, Chase. This is incredible. I’m so proud of you. You pulled it together and made the dream a reality. I don’t think I could have done that.”
“You were what fuelled me to do this, Em. You are as much apart of this home as I am.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was there. Your family is like my own. I loved you with everything I had in me. When your family fell to pieces, I felt everything you felt. It hit me too.” Chase stood up and ran his fingers through his hair. “I think you forgot that. I needed you just as much as you needed me, but you left. You left like a damn thief in the night. No goodbye, no note, no god damn nothing! How do you think that made me feel?”
His gaze settled on me and hurt filled his eyes. “Apart of me understood, but I thought you would come back within a few days. I always thought you’d come back to me. But you never did.”
The deep ache within my stomach began to twist and turn. My heart fluttered uneasily in my chest and it suddenly got hard to breathe. Truth be told, when I left I didn’t think how it would affect him at all. Our dreams, our future, it didn’t cross my mind once. Not once. I had blinders on; all I could feel was the shock and anger of a moment that changed everything. Being here, seeking comfort in those who knew everything felt suffocating. I had to leave it all in hopes to move on. But instead of moving on, I lost it all. It wasn’t until the anger wore off that the reality of what happened stood before me. My mind had begun to clear and that’s when my heart began to ache for my best friend, Chase. I missed his voice, his touch, his soul. But I didn’t know how to go back, I didn’t know that I ever could. And then my mom got sick. Once again, everything changed.
“Sorry doesn’t even begin to make up for what I have done to you, Chase. I am truly sorry from the depths of my soul. I didn’t know how to face the betrayal of what I had done to you. And then my mom got sick and I lost it. A small part of me wonders if its karma. Life is levelling the playing field; taking those I love away for hurting someone who means everything to me.”
