by Nicole Dykes
A tear slides down my cheek as I hold onto my mother. “I need him too. I can’t lose him, mom. Not even for a while when he’s figuring things out.”
“I know, this part is going to be hell. I won’t ever lie to you, but he loves you and you will find your way together.”
I pull back a little bit and look into her eyes, so full of wisdom. “How can we do that apart?”
She offers a small, sad smile and smooths my hair down. “That’s kind of the bitch of life. A lot of times, we have to do it on our own first. And you are both going to make heinous mistakes and probably hurt one another, but I still have no doubt in my mind, it will all work out the way it’s meant to.”
“I’m ready for him now.”
She cups my cheek asking, “Are you, sweet girl?”
I think about her words, and that knowing look on her face that comforts and pisses me off at the same time. Because I don’t know if I am. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep myself going and to help Carter heal.
I don’t know how long I can use his body when he won’t give me his heart.
And that thought is terrifying to me.
We go inside for our shift, but the whole time my mind is on prom.
And purple roses.
17 years old
“Dane, fuck. It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not. This is our girl. How often does she get to be spoiled?”
I don’t mention that she would be pissed off to know that we got the money in an underground fight two weekends ago. We both won our fights, but came out of it pretty damn bloody and bruised. When Shaw asked about it, we told her we got jumped outside a bar.
She believed it because it’s happened a couple times after we hustled in pool.
Still, I know she’s going to love the flowers. Pam’s advice is always golden.
“Okay. Let’s go though before we’re late and she cuts our balls off.”
He laughs at that and then pins my own purple rose boutonniere onto my ridiculous tuxedo. I pin his and then we drive to Shaw’s.
It took us forever to convince her to go and it’s neither of our things, but Shaw….she loves this shit. She loves the fucking fairytale. She loves romance movies where the guy comes in at the end and swoops the female up, saying some bullshit that a real guy could never come up with. They kiss and then somehow everything is better.
The shit makes me want to vomit, but my point is, she loves it. She eats that shit up. So for tonight, she’s our princess and we are going to be the perfect princes.
She does deserve to be spoiled. So we gave Pam money and insisted she go dress shopping with Shaw, not taking no for an answer.
We climb out of the car, both with a bouquet of purple roses and both with matching corsages for her.
Pam answers the door, a great big smile on her face when she looks us up and down. “Wow, boys.”
Boys.
We will always be boys to her.
“Pam,” Dane holds his bouquet out to her. “Thank you for getting our girl ready.”
He winks at her in an over the top way that makes her laugh and shake her head as she takes the flowers. “Thank you. You guys did not need to waste your money on me.”
We both brush her off. “I can’t imagine she made it easy on you,” I say.
She laughs at that saying, “Oh it was fun. I don’t get to watch her get pampered often.”
I smile at that and then I swear my heart slows down its usual rhythm when I see Shaw walk in behind her mom. I would worry about my heart, but I couldn’t give a fuck right now.
She’s dressed in a dark purple ball gown sort of dress with her hair pulled up in a fancy bun with a braid around it. Her makeup is smoky and gorgeous. She’s fucking perfection.
Dane lets out a whistle. “Hot damn. You look fucking gorgeous.”
Pam scolds Dane gently for his language, but she’s smiling and Shaw blushes, shyly. Because she has no clue how beautiful she is.
I hold out the bouquet. “These are yours.”
Great job, dumbass. You managed to form three words.
Tell her how gorgeous she is. How perfect. How your heart rate seems to be fucked just by the mere sight of her. Say something else.
But I don’t.
She just smiles and takes them into her small hand, bringing them to her nose. “Wow. You guys did this for me?”
“Who the hell else would we do this shit for?” Dane asks and it makes me smile. Because that fucker can always make me smile. “We also each got you a corsage because there’s no way I was letting him take credit for it.”
I laugh, and Pam takes the bouquets to put in water while we slip her corsages on both her wrists. She’s smiling so bright and seems like she’s actually seventeen.
Not going on thirty.
Not having to worry about water bills or electric bills or anything.
Dane nudges me and leans into my ear whispering, “This is why we do it. Look at our girl.” He is grinning ear to ear as he addresses me and Shaw loudly, “Let’s go, we have a motherfucking prom to get to!” I shake my head, knowing he only added the motherfucking to goad Pam, but I also know she doesn’t care.
She loves him and Shaw is still shining that beautiful smile.
I would bust up my face and knuckles every day if it meant getting to see that smile on Shaw permanently.
I picked Shaw up from work tonight, but we have school tomorrow, and we should probably be asleep.
But she doesn’t want to sleep.
She wants to forget. She wants to get lost.
And I’m a fucking eighteen year old guy. I should love this, right? This is all I wanted and all I would never let myself have.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“Shaw,” I rest my fingers on her bare shoulders and push her up to make her eyes meet mine. “I can’t do this.”
She looks down at my cock, that’s very, very hard inside her body. “I think you can.”
“I physically can, but I can’t keep doing this to you.” She looks sad and I feel a small tremor from her body as she lays her chest against mine.
“You aren’t doing anything to me.”
I pull out of her and flip us so we’re on our sides, facing each other. “I am. I’m not…” I look down over her naked body, barely visible in her dark room, but I know she’s perfect. “I’m not here with you, Shaw.”
My voice feels rough and the words hurt to say, even more so when a small sob comes from her. “I know.”
I reach my hand out and brush her cheek, hating that it’s wet with tears I’ve caused. “I said it years ago, that this…” My throat is dry and I try like hell to wet it with my saliva. “Sex without anything else attached to it, it takes a piece of you, Shaw. I can’t keep taking parts of you.”
“I feel like I’ve been using you. Not the other way around.”
I know she thinks that, but I’m the bastard here. Sex with me, for her, isn’t empty. She wants so badly for me to be the guy she’s always pictured. That dream guy.
“You want love, Shaw.”
I’m glad it’s dark because I couldn’t take seeing her cry. Listening to it is bad enough. “I do love…”
I stop her, placing my finger over her pouty lips. “Don’t say that to me. Don’t give me that when I don’t deserve it. Save it.”
“Carter…” She tries again, but I cut her off.
“I don’t believe in any of that, but you….” I take a deep breath and pull her body to mine, holding her to me. “You watch romantic movies and even if I think it’s crazy as hell, I think that you should have that someday if you can find it. That happily ever after.”
“You’re all I ever wanted, Carter.”
I think about the day at the diner with Dane and talking about love with him. The serious conversation that made me squirm.
I wanted to try, but now?
There’s no way I can be what she needs.
“I don’t believe in tha
t, Shaw. I don’t believe in a happy ending at all.”
She’s sobbing in my arms and all I can do is hold her tight. “I like when you fuck me. I like this time that we have together. It’s enough.”
“It’s not. And after we fuck, how do you feel then, Shaw? Huh?”
Her mouth is at my ear. “Empty.”
I swallow, my eyes closing and agony tearing through me because I knew that. “Exactly. I can’t keep doing this because eventually you’ll have nothing left. I can’t give you more. I have nothing to give.” I thread my fingers through her hair and bring her head back so I’m looking at her even though it’s dark. “Because he’s gone and he made me better. He made me as close to good enough for you as I could have been. And he took that part of me with him.”
More tears fall and I hold her face, needing her to be okay more than I need air, but I have no idea how to make it happen.
“I can’t lose you too.”
“You will never lose me. Even if you hate me, I’ll be there. I swear to you, Shaw. I’ll always be there for you, but I can’t keep doing this.”
“Okay.” Her voice is a broken whisper that yet again guts me when I didn’t think there was anything left to take.
“Do you believe me?”
She nods her head taking my hands with it. “Yes.” I let go of her face and pull her naked body against my chest. “Please don’t ever leave me. I can’t take it, Carter. He left and I know you want to. But please don’t. I can’t survive.”
She’s not wrong. I wanted to go with him, wherever he is, but I couldn’t leave her.
“I won’t. I promise.”
She sniffles and cries some more. Sobbing uncontrollably against my skin, leaving my chest and stomach wet with tears. Her liquid anguish falling onto me.
It only makes the pain burn hotter in my soul, but for her, I’ll take it.
I knew the time of Carter and I having sex had a limit. I knew he was going to put a stop to it, but it’s still been crippling.
He’s around less and less. And I didn’t think the distance between us could grow any greater, but it has.
It truly has.
I miss him.
I miss Dane.
And nothing is okay.
He still takes me to school and work, but it’s not the same. He picks me up from work too, but we don’t talk. He doesn’t laugh.
It’s so clear all of the things Dane did for us. He pulled me out of my head, and made sure I was living in the now. And he made Carter laugh. Truly laugh and feel some sort of joy.
Now I’m stuck in my grief and he’s stuck with absolutely no joy.
I walk to his locker after the last bell rings and I see him standing there putting books in it. He has a black eye I noticed this morning, but when I questioned him about it, he just shrugged.
Didn’t even bother with words.
“Hey,” I say as I reach him.
“Hey.” It’s all I get back and I look at his bruised knuckles growing angry.
“Are you going to tell me what happened yet?”
He slams the locker closed and turns to me. I hate his beautiful face right now, all bruised and spattered with lies. “Nope.”
I fold my arms over my chest, staying put. “What is going on with you?”
He looks like the rage inside him is about to boil over but he keeps his cool, just glaring at me with those pale green eyes. “What’s going on with me? Fucking really?”
“Yes.” I drop my hands and point at his face. “What the hell is that? Why do you have a black eye and why do your knuckles…” I gesture to his hands now, “ Look like that?”
“I got into a fight. No big deal.”
I know he’s lying. I don’t know how to explain it, but I can feel it. “It is a big deal.”
“It’s really fucking not, Shaw. Come on.” He starts to walk, but I don’t move and he turns back, standing in front of me. “Come on.”
“No.” I’m standing my ground and I don’t care that there are students all over and we’ve gained some of their attention. “Tell me. Because right now, you look like Dane.”
His jaw ticks with anger. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“You know what it means. Are you in the same shit he was?”
He scoffs and leans against the bay of lockers. “No.”
“Bullshit.”
“Fine, I’m a fucking liar. Happy? Let’s go.”
I shake my head and keep my sneakers firmly in place. “No. Who did you fight with?”
“It doesn’t matter. Nothing fucking matters.”
He never would have treated me like this before. Never. I don’t even recognize him anymore. “You’ve never lied to me before.”
“Yeah, well…” He leans in closer to me, his body crowding mine, but I don’t back away from him. “I’ve never done a lot of fucking things I’m considering doing now.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means what it means, Shaw.” He looks around. “Can we go? I have to go check on the boys.”
Dane’s little brothers. “I’m going too. Don’t just drop me off at my house this time.”
I start to walk, and he grabs my arm, turning me to face him. “No. You don’t need to be in that house.”
“They’re Dane’s little brothers.”
“He asked me to take care of them and I am. He didn’t ask you.”
I try to remember my mom’s advice. Try to remember that he’s grieving in his own way, but he’s being an ass. “He didn’t have to. I’ll always look out for them. And if you won’t take me with you, then I’ll just go when you aren’t around like this weekend.”
He still hasn’t let go of my arm, but he isn’t holding tight enough to cause pain, just to keep me in my spot. “You fucking what?”
I roll my eyes and jerk my arm away. “I went to check on Cooper and Ben.”
“Without me?”
I lift my finger and poke it into his ridiculously hard chest. “Because you wouldn’t take me.”
“Dane would never want you in that house alone. What if their dad was there? Do you know what he’s capable of when he’s drunk? Do you have any fucking clue?”
Hot tears sting my eyes, but I don’t lower my chin. “I don’t care what happens to me. I had to check on them.”
“Not. Alone.”
“Then quit being a jackass and take me with you because if you don’t, I’m still going.”
I don’t tell him that it’s the only time I feel even remotely close to Dane. That Cooper has his crooked grin and Ben has his eyes complete with the little gold flecks.
“You are such a pain in the ass.”
“Yeah. You’re no picnic.”
With Dane here, we’d be laughing, but we aren’t. We’re both snarling at each other and I kind of want to throat punch him right now like he taught me.
Instead he just whips around and heads toward the exit and I stand there watching him walk away, trying to get it together and not lose it around my classmates.
“Trouble in paradise?”
Jesus fuck. No.
I turn to Angie who looks way too smug with her bitchy little smile. “What do you want?”
She shrugs, “It just doesn’t sound like things are going all that well with you two.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head at this pathetic girl. “There is no us two. None. And no, things aren’t going well because we buried our best friend and everything is falling apart.” I get into her face, my fists clenched at my sides, “And if you want to fuck Carter, go for it. He’s great in bed, but out of it? Not so much anymore.”
She gapes at me, looking pretty damn shocked. “Damn, you’re getting bitchier and bitchier.”
“Just go. Away.”
She turns and leaves, moving fairly quickly and I imagine my face is portraying how close to homicide I am.
I walk out to the parking lot, finding Carter’s car and let him drive me to Dane’s old house in silence.
/>
Because the silence and pain are all we have.
I just want this day to end. Of course, I always feel that way and I still have four hours left of work tonight.
The guys at table two are really, really trying my patience though.
Regulars that come in dirty and grimy from their job at the manufacturing plant down the road from here. They’re in their forties, but not one of them can pry their eyes off my ass.
I take a deep breath and move to walk over to their table with hot coffee in hand. My eyes momentarily drift toward the booth Carter and Dane always sat in, making my heart ache and my knees feel wobbly.
I close my eyes for a moment, letting myself feel the intense grief, missing them both, and then I straighten my shoulders, open my eyes and walk over to the table.
The ringleader with a red bushy, beard and potbelly wastes no time letting his hand slide up the back of my thigh and over my ass. He stays above my uniform, but I still feel sick at his touch.
I take a step back. “I’ve told you that’s not on the menu.”
He laughs at that as if I’m nothing because to him, I am. “Oh sweetheart, I’m pretty sure I could convince you.” He picks his teeth with a toothpick as the other chuckle all with their predatory eyes on me. “How much would it cost for you to meet me behind the diner tonight? It’s dark, baby, no one will see a thing.”
I feel bile rise in my throat and wish like hell this was the first time I was being propositioned, but the truth is, it’s not even close. I lean into his face, but keep enough of a distance from his so I don’t have to be directly in the path of his putrid breath. “No amount of money on this earth would be worth that.”
He glares at me now, his hand sliding back up to my ass. “Please. You think I don’t know that you’re a paycheck away from choosing between that and being out on the street.”
I can feel my nostrils flare, hating him and every other man on this planet who treat women like this. Like an object. My eyes flick over to the booth again.
Dane.
We all have a price.
I try not to let that thought swallow me whole because I know he was right. I know this sick fucker in front of me is right too. Well… partially. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep my mother safe like she’s done for me all of these years.
