by Kate L. Mary
And I missed him.
For eleven years we lived together, and for the most part I had been happy. But now, he was gone, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever see him again. It hurt to think about losing the man who had been my only parent and friend through most of my childhood.
The longer I sat, the more the grief in me turned to fear. Fear of having Sawyer leave me too. Fear of being alone. I wiped the tears away and forced myself to get to work. I needed to be strong. It was what my uncle would have wanted.
Not too long ago my uncle had come home with a pair of pants that had been too snug on him, and I remembered him joking that he’d keep them in case he lost a few pounds. He’d probably shoved them in the back of his dresser, and I was sure if I dug deep enough I’d find them.
An unfamiliar fabric caught my eye, and I pulled it out, knowing these had to be the pants I was looking for. When I did, a magazine dropped to the floor in front of me, spilling open to reveal pictures that made my whole body burn with shame. My heart skidded to a stop and I couldn’t move. All I could do was stare at the pictures.
They were of a man and a woman, both of them nude, and in each picture they were doing things to each other. Things that I knew fell in the category of sex, but acts I couldn’t imagine participating in. And the man looked… Different than I’d expected him to look. Of course, I’d always known men had different parts than women, but I’d never seen one before. How in the world did they hide something so big?
My mind wandered to Sawyer’s low pants and the tuft of hair that had been barely visible...
Footsteps pounded against the floor in the other room, possibly heading my way, and I let out a little yelp. Quickly, I slammed the magazine shut and shoved it back into the drawer. My hands were shaking and my whole body was flushed with embarrassment at almost being caught looking at such a disgusting picture. What would Sawyer have thought of me? What would my uncle think of me?
I scooped the pants off the floor, then yanked a shirt out of another drawer before hurrying to the living room. Desperate to get away from the magazine. Horrified that it existed at all, but especially in my uncle’s dresser.
Sawyer stood in the living room, still wearing nothing but those too-big pants, and he smiled when he saw me. “Thanks.”
I nodded, unable to meet his gaze, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t take my eyes off the crotch of his pants.
“Lucy? Are you okay?”
My head jerked up and I had no doubt that my face was bright red. I thrust the clothes toward him, but they dropped to the floor. Sawyer bent to pick them up and I hurried into the kitchen, desperate to get away.
“Just going to run out and take care of the animals! I’m behind on my chores,” I called over my shoulder, my entire body still burning with shame.
“Wait! I’ll come with you.”
I didn’t give him time to catch up to me before shoving my feet into my boots and pulling on my oversized coat. Then I hurried out into the cold.
The icy air felt good on my hot face, and I hardly noticed the howling wind as I trudged through the snow. My mind was swimming, and all I could think about was Sawyer and the way my body had buzzed the day before when he was cleaning my wound, and the expression in his eyes when I had washed his hair.
I was busy cleaning out Nelly’s pen when Sawyer came into the shed behind me. A constant throb had begun in my shoulder, but I focused on my work so I didn’t have to look his way. The sound of his voice as he whispered to the rabbits made my back stiffen, and when he headed toward me, my legs began to shake.
“I could have done this,” he said when he stopped behind me.
“It’s fine. I’m used to the work.”
It was a lie. Until the last few weeks, this had been my uncle’s job. But now, all the chores belonged to me. Earlier I’d thought that maybe things would be better if Sawyer stuck around, but the uncertainty inside me after seeing that picture told a different story.
Sawyer stepped into the pen behind me and I froze. His hand wrapped around mine, which was gripping the shovel, and he pried it out of my grasp.
“You shouldn’t be doing this. You’re hurt.” His voice was so soft and gentle that it should have calmed my nerves. Only it didn’t. For some reason, it made my heart pound harder.
My shoulder was on fire, so I didn’t argue. I stepped back and leaned against the wall while Sawyer got to work shoveling out the pen. My legs were shaking too hard to leave, plus he was blocking my way out. I felt trapped, cornered, and it scared me so much that tears sprang to my eyes.
“I’m sorry about walking around half-naked. I shouldn’t have done that.” Sawyer looked my way and frowned, but never paused in his work. When I didn’t respond he added, “Are you worried about your uncle?”
“Yes,” I whispered, the word barely a whisper.
I was still trembling with fear thanks to that damn magazine, but there was something else swirling around inside me too. Something I’d felt other times, like when I’d been reading one of my romance novels. Desire. I knew that’s what it was, even if I’d never felt it for another person before. Now, though, after seeing the pictures and thinking of Sawyer half naked, I felt like I could put the feeling into context for the first time in my life.
Sawyer dumped one final shovelful of horse crap into the wheelbarrow, then turned to face me completely. “I’m sure he’ll make it back. The storm came in fast, and it was a lot earlier than usual. It took me by surprise.”
“What were you doing?” I asked, realizing we hadn’t really spoken much about who he was or what he’d been doing over the last several years.
“I was headed to town, but I never made it.” He leaned the shovel up against the wall so he could run his hand over Nelly’s back. She snorted and Sawyer smiled. “I went a month ago to get supplies, but I wanted to make one more trip before winter hit hard. Once that happens, I’m usually stuck. I’m a lot higher up than even you and your uncle are.”
“Why?” I whispered, shaking my head. “Why would you want to be so secluded and alone? It can’t be enjoyable.”
“It’s not. Sometimes, I don’t know what I’m living for.”
His words were low and sad, and I found myself wanting to reach out and hug him. I didn’t, though. I didn’t know a lot about people, but I thought that maybe Sawyer had chosen a cabin way up in the mountains so he could distance himself from others. Not just from the bad people, but from the pain that came with living in this world.
I understood. Especially now that Seamus had disappeared and I was starting to accept that I might never see him again. Just thinking about it made my insides ache, and brought back memories of the pain that had followed my parents’ death all those years ago.
Was the loneliness of cutting yourself off from the world better, though? I didn’t think so, and I couldn’t imagine being by myself forever. Sawyer couldn’t want that either, could he? Wouldn’t it make sense that he’d want to find someone to spend his life with? I know I did. Being here by myself was terrifying, and for a second it hit me so hard that I would be all alone once Sawyer left that I couldn’t find my voice.
When I did, I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head. “My uncle disappeared weeks ago. I’m alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
Sawyer’s eyes got huge and he took a step toward me, reaching out. His hands were halfway to me when he shook his head, almost as if he suddenly remembered that he had promised not to touch me.
Instead of touching me, he held his hand out like an invitation or like he was asking for my permission. “Let’s go inside so we can talk.”
I was trembling and terrified and torn about the feelings swirling around inside me, but I reached for him anyway. When I took his hand, my heart pounded harder than Nelly’s hooves when we were out for a summer ride. I wanted so badly to trust Sawyer, but the emotions inside me were so mixed-up that I was afraid to. But, I was even more afraid of a future alone.
/> Back inside, Sawyer helped me take my boots, coat, and gloves off, then led me to the couch. He still held my hand, and even though I was shaking, I loved the warmth of his skin against mine. The more he looked at me, the more I wanted him near.
Once we were seated, Sawyer cleared his throat. His thumb rubbed small circles over the top of my hand, sending goose bumps up my arm. “Are you scared of me?”
I shook my head, then nodded. “I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t think you’re going to hurt me, but another part of me is scared of what could happen.” A lump rose up in my throat because even though Sawyer probably assumed I was referring to him hurting me, I was thinking about that magazine.
He swallowed and I was mesmerized by the way his Adam’s apple bobbed on his long neck. “Let’s make a deal, okay? I’m stuck here as long as this snow is coming down, and you’re alone anyway, so we’ll just agree to live side by side. Okay? I won’t touch you,” he took his hand out of mine and my body grew cold, “and I won’t walk around half-naked. How’s that sound?”
It sounded good, yet bad at the same time, but I didn’t know why and I didn’t know how to explain it to him. So I just nodded.
“Good. I want you to trust me, Lucy, but I don’t know what to do about it other than to just give it some time. We can get to know each other. Okay?”
I swallowed and nodded, and finally was able to relax. But I still couldn’t speak. There was something about the way this conversation was going that was so unsatisfying. I liked seeing Sawyer without his shirt on and I liked it when he held my hand. The fear that had crept in when I saw the magazine was accompanied by something else. Something I couldn’t quite put a name to, but something I knew I wanted to explore. With Sawyer? I didn’t know for sure because I wasn’t even positive what all these feelings inside me meant, but I thought so.
He let out a deep breath and sank back into the couch. “Now, why don’t you tell me what happened to your uncle.”
“I don’t know exactly,” I said in a shaky voice. “Just like I told you, he went to town to do some trading and never came back. He goes every month, but he’s never been gone for a whole day before. At first, I thought he just got caught in the weather and he’d show up the next day, but that was four weeks ago, and I’m starting to think I’ll never see him again.” My throat tightened as tears worked their way through my body. When they reached my eyes, I looked away. I didn’t know why, but I knew allowing Sawyer to see my tears would make me feel weak. I already felt like a child thanks to all these emotions and unknown feelings inside me.
“Lucy.” Sawyer’s hand brushed against mine, a touch so light it felt like a butterfly’s wings. It sent a shiver of pleasure through my body, but less than a second later he pulled away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up to tell him it was okay, but when my gaze met his, the words stuck in my throat. He looked amazing in the faint light of the fire. His blue eyes soft with caring, and the stubble on his face made him appear strong. Strong enough to take me in his arms and make me forget all the hurt inside. To take care of me and give me a future I had never even known I could have.
His eyes swept over me, stopping on my lips, and everything inside me clenched. I remembered the sizzle that had been in the air earlier when I had washed his hair. How it had felt like a bolt of lightning shooting through me when our eyes met.
In that moment, the loneliness over losing Seamus felt so overwhelming that I was sure it would crush me. And here was Sawyer, so close. So warm. So inviting. He wanted me too. I could see it in his expression. The urgent desire to grab me and pull me against him. I wasn’t sure what all the feelings inside me meant, but I knew with certainty I wanted him.
I scooted closer and his body stiffened, but he didn’t move away. My hand trembled when I put it on his leg, but I moved it up. Over his strong thigh to his stomach, to his chest, then around to the back of his neck. When I scooted closer, he sucked in a deep breath and the desire in his eyes was too blatant to ignore. We were inches apart. The air around us scorching. His expression hotter than the flames of the fire at my back.
I took a deep breath and leaned forward. I’d never kissed a man, but the second my lips touched his I never wanted to stop. He wrapped his arms around me and moved his hands up my back, pulling me closer until my chest was against his as his stubble scratched at my face and his lips moved against mine. The heat from his body warmed me, starting in my chest and moving out. When he ran his tongue over my lips, I opened to him without thinking, gasping as he plunged into my mouth. I responded by doing the same, mimicking his movements as his lips danced over mine.
Without warning, Sawyer pulled back and scooted away. His cheeks were flushed, and the conflict in his eyes was obvious. He looked like it hurt him to stop. Like he wanted to rip my clothes off and run away at the same time.
“I think we’re treading into very dangerous territory,” he said, acting like it hurt to get the words out. “You’re just a girl, and you don’t know me. What would your uncle think if he did come home and he found me kissing you? Touching you…”
He swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut, and I wanted to reach out and pull him back to me, but he almost looked like he was in pain. Had I done that to him? Did kissing me hurt Sawyer?
Still, I didn’t like that he saw a little girl when he looked at me. “I’m twenty, Sawyer. I’m not a child anymore.”
He let out a deep breath and opened his eyes. “I’m so much older than you, Lucy. I was your age when all this started. Plus, I know what it feels like to see someone taken advantage of and I don’t want to do that to you.”
The disappointment inside me couldn’t compete with the sympathy I felt when I saw the pain in his eyes. I’d suspected that he was hiding from something, and I could feel him pulling away from me. I didn’t want that. I wanted him with me. To be here with me so I wouldn’t be alone.
“You’re right,” I whispered, scooting closer. Reaching for his hand. “We don’t know each other and I don’t want things to be awkward.”
Sawyer nodded, and this time when he swallowed I got the impression he as trying to relax. “Tell me what you miss. About the past, I mean.”
My eyebrows furrowed as I fought to come up with memories about the old world. As usual, there wasn’t much. “I miss my mom and dad, I know that.”
“What else?” he asked, his eyes swimming with curiosity.
“I don’t remember a whole lot. I was young and most of the memories I have are blurry. I can vaguely recall going to a movie, but I’m not sure what it was about. There was a talking snowman and a lot of singing…” I frowned and shook my head. It was all too fuzzy. “I don’t know.”
Sawyer ran his hand over his head again, and with each passing second he seemed to relax a little. Maybe talking was therapeutic. He’d been alone for a while—how long I didn’t know—and it was possible that his thoughts and feelings had gotten so pent up over the years.
“What about you?” I asked. “What do you miss? You were older, so you must remember so much more of it.”
There was a wistful tone in my voice that surprised even me. I hadn’t realized until now how much I’d longed to hear about the past. Seamus had always lived liked this, except when he was young, and I knew his childhood hadn’t been good. He didn’t talk about it much, but the little bit I did know told me that.
Sawyer sighed, and the sound was long and sad, but he didn’t look tense anymore. “I remember everything like it was yesterday. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember it’s really gone.”
“You sound sad.”
“It is sad. I mean, I miss stupid things, like electricity and cars, or being able to run to the mall to buy a pair of jeans when I rip them. I miss hot showers and sleeping in a warm bed. Not having to worry where my next meal will come from or what I’ll do if my roof gets a leak. But the big things are the ones that hurt. Like my parents and sister—” He
paused and swallowed. “They died from the virus, but I was stationed in North Dakota and I never got to say goodbye. I regret that, and if I could go back just long enough to say goodbye it would make me happy. Even if I had to come back to this reality.”
His eyes misted over, but he didn’t act embarrassed or try to blink them away, and I liked that about him. There was something so honest about Sawyer. So raw.
“So tell me your favorite story about your family. What’s the one thing you think about when you start to miss them?”
“I love that you asked me that.” Sawyer smiled, and his whole face lit up. “It’s a stupid story really, but it makes me smile. My family went on this dumb road trip the summer before my senior year of high school. I was pissed because I thought I was too old for a family vacation, and my sister, Valerie, was mad because her friends were all going to some concert she had to miss out on. I don’t even remember who it was, but it was probably somebody dumb. Justin Bieber or someone.” He chuckled, and even though I had no idea who he was talking about, I smiled. “It started off miserable. Driving out to some remote area to go camping and hiking for a week. But we ended up spending most of the time huddled together in one tent because a storm moved in. It rained so hard the whole tent shook, and all we had to keep us busy was a deck of cards. We spent three days playing an epic tournament of euchre—that’s a card game—while we ate all the chocolate and marshmallows we’d brought for s’mores. It ended up being the best vacation ever.”
I was grinning from ear to ear, picturing Sawyer as a bratty teenager who was forced to have fun with his family. But when a tear ran down his cheeks, I suddenly felt like a jerk.
“Oh, no,” I said, wiping it away. “Don’t cry. I’m sorry I made you talk about it.”
Sawyer smiled through the tears. “I’m glad. I think about that weekend all the time, but I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it in years. Not since—” His mouth formed a hard line and he looked away.
