by Kate L. Mary
Sawyer was right behind me, still only wearing the boxers. I hadn’t seen him without a shirt on since that first morning, and that had been nothing like what I was faced with now. Now that I knew him he was even more breathtaking, and even though looking at him made my face burn, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to. I wanted to touch him. To run my fingers over his body and feel every contour and muscle.
“Lucy, stop.”
Sawyer grabbed my shoulders and forced me to stay still. Something about the look in his eyes made my heart beat faster. The heat that had been following us these past few weeks suddenly grew in intensity. His gaze moved to my lips just like it had in the kitchen, but there was hesitation in his eyes. He wanted me and he couldn’t hide it, and I wanted him too. I had for so long and I’d been fighting it, but I couldn’t anymore.
“God, I’m so sorry Lucy. I didn’t want to scare you.”
“Scare me?” I managed to get out.
“Yes. I know you’re inexperienced and the last thing I’d want to do is make you uncomfortable. I’ve been so careful around you all these weeks, I didn’t mean for you to see—” He swallowed. “Me.”
“Sawyer,” I whispered. “I’m not scared.”
He blinked and searched my gaze. “You’re not?”
“No. Sawyer, I want you.”
His hands dropped from my shoulders but he didn’t back away. “You do?”
“Yes.”
That was all it took. His mouth covered mine, full of so much intensity that it took my breath away. I gasped against his lips. His tongue danced across mine as he walked backwards, pulling me with him. We made it to the couch where we tumbled down, Sawyer ending up on top. He hovered over me half on and half off, the delicious pressure of his body teasing as he moved against me. Making me want more.
Sawyer was in nothing but a thin pair of boxers, but I was fully dressed. My shirt was soaked from the water that had sloshed out of the basin, and even though it had been warm at first it had now started to cool. It made me shiver, or maybe that was the way Sawyer’s mouth was moving over mine. I tried to pull the shirt up so I could remove it, but he stopped me by covering my hand with his.
“No,” he said against my lips.
Then he shifted, adjusting his body until he was positioned between my legs. As we kissed he moved, slowly stroking his body over mine, his firmness pressing against my center in a dance that was so intimate it made my head spin. Every inch of me throbbed and grew warm, and I found myself moving against Sawyer without even realizing what I was doing. I just knew I wanted more. Wanted my clothes off and his hands on me, needed to feel his bare flesh against mine.
He didn’t touch me or move to take off my clothes though, and he held my face between his hands like I was a delicate rose he was trying not to crush, all the while stroking his body over mine in a way that I was sure would destroy me forever.
The heat between my legs grew, building to something. My toes curled on their own, and I arched my back as I tried to bring my body closer to his. His lips moved over mine in slow, torturous ecstasy that I never could have imagined even if I tried, but it was nothing compared to the pressure his body had created at my center. Then, as if by magic, a tremor of pleasure hit me, starting between my thighs and shooting through my body. More followed in waves that had me gasping for breath and holding Sawyer closer.
His lips had moved from mine and trailed down my cheek to my neck as he whispered, “Hold on. Just enjoy it.”
I did, squeezing my eyes shut as the waves slammed into me, over and over again in powerful bursts that made me tremble from head to toe.
When they’d subsided, I found it hard to catch my breath. Sawyer was still on top of me, kissing me gently. The pleasure receded, but I wasn’t ready for this to be over. I’d imagined Sawyer and me together so many times over the last few weeks, and it had always been more than this. It had always been the two of us, naked and tangled together in my bed.
“Sawyer,” I said against his lips. “Why wouldn’t you let me take my clothes off?”
He pulled back and his blue eyes looked me over. My lips felt raw, but it was a good feeling. It made warmth spread through me and helped keep me warm.
I waited for him to say something, but instead he moved, pulling me with him until we were sitting side by side on the couch. His boxers hid nothing from me, and seeing him that way, straining against the thin fabric, made my cheeks flush. Only it wasn’t just embarrassment. I was excited. Excited to know that his body had responded to me in that way.
“I know you said you want me,” Sawyer began, “but this isn’t something you should rush into. I mean, I’m not even sure how much you know.” He paused, his blue eyes holding mine. “Has your uncle told you about sex?”
“No.”
A flush spread across my cheeks but Sawyer nodded. “It’s okay.”
“He didn’t tell me exactly. He brought me a book when I was twelve that explained all the basics, but I’ve also read a lot of romance novels.” My eyes went to the shelf on the wall.
“I’ve noticed.” Sawyer’s mouth pulled up at the corner. “I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting into. We haven’t talked about this, really, but I’m assuming you’re a virgin. Am I right?”
“Of course.” I blushed again and suddenly found it impossible to look him in the eye.
“Lucy,” Sawyer said gently, forcing me to look up again. “I want you. Believe me I do, but you’re inexperienced and I’m so much older than you. I just don’t want to rush anything. I wouldn’t be a very nice man if I did.”
“Okay.”
I let out a sigh and so did he, and it occurred to me that Sawyer was probably even more frustrated than I was. It couldn’t have been easy for him to stop.
After a few more seconds of silence, Sawyer got to his feet. “You think I can get some more water?”
I’d forgotten all about his bath and the fact that I’d walked in on him, but I was glad now. “Yes. I’m sorry.”
Sawyer chuckled. “Don’t be sorry. This was a nice way to end the day.”
After I took Sawyer a fresh basin of water—being sure to knock this time—I went to my bedroom so I could change into dry clothes. As I dressed, I couldn’t help thinking about what had just happened. Even though it hadn’t been everything I’d been dreaming about, it had felt better than I could have ever imagined.
I also knew that I wanted more, regardless of what Sawyer said about taking it slow. After this, it would be impossible to sit next to him on the couch and not think about what else we could be doing. His hesitation was nice, and made him an even better person in my eyes, but his reasoning was off. Yes, I was inexperienced physically, but I’d read more than enough novels to know all the ins and outs of sex. Plus, it was unfair to think that just because I’d spent my life cooped up in this cabin I couldn’t possibly know what I wanted. Sawyer wasn’t that much older than me. Eleven years may have seemed like a lot at one point, but these days it was nothing. So few people had survived the apocalypse, and if we all just sat around waiting for someone our age to show up, the human race would probably die out.
Sawyer’s age did have me thinking about other things, though. He was twenty when the virus hit, and he’d been married. I never would have assumed that he was also a virgin, but until now I hadn’t thought about the other women he’d been with. And how many? The books I read led me to believe that sex was a fairly common thing, and the idea of coming across as silly after Sawyer had been with much more experienced women in the past made me cringe. I didn’t want to seem stupid or like a child. I was twenty, after all. A woman.
I was making dinner when Sawyer came out, clean and grinning from ear to ear. He paused next to me for just a moment like he was thinking something through, and then kissed me on the cheek. It was so casual that it made me blush with happiness, which made his smile grow wider.
“I’ve wanted to do that a million times over the last few weeks
.”
“You should have,” I said, turning away from the stove so I could face him. “There have been moments when I’ve found myself wondering if this is what it feels like to be married. I know it’s silly, but I never thought I’d get to meet a man, let alone live with one. It’s nice.”
“It’s not silly.” His smile didn’t fade, but it did take on a sad quality that I’d only seen on him a few times before. “I loved being married. Our family said we were nuts because we were so young and we’d rushed into it, but Mollie and I were happy.”
“What was she like?” I asked, then shook my head. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk about it.”
“No, it’s okay. It hurts, but it’s nice to remember too.” He exhaled and leaned his hip against the counter. When he reached out to take my hand it was almost like he did it without even thinking about it. Like it felt natural to touch me. “Mollie was funny. We’d have the dumbest conversations that other people probably would have rolled their eyes over, but she and I would laugh our heads off. She was smart too, and a fantastic singer—even if she only sang in the shower. She’d belt out songs at the top of her lungs every morning, sometimes so loud that the neighbors would complain.”
“It sounds like you really loved her.”
“I did. Never loved anyone the way I loved her.” Sawyer’s eyes went to me, but only for a second.
The expression in them made a tingle move through me. Was he looking at me because he felt bad for saying that, or because he thought he might be able to love me like that one day?
“But you’ve had other girlfriends?” I asked instead of delving into that mystery.
Sawyer’s eyes once again darted toward me, this time narrowed. “I did.”
“How many?” I swallowed, preparing myself for a large number. Even though I didn’t know much about men—I’d never been around anyone but Seamus—I had a feeling that Sawyer was every bit as good-looking as the heroes from my romance novels.
“Lucy,” he said slowly, “are you asking me how many women I’ve had sex with?”
“Yes.” I looked down, unable to keep my head up. “I know it’s probably none of my business, but I’m curious. I’ve read a lot of books and I always got the impression that people jumped into bed the first chance they got. And you’re so good-looking. You must have had lots of chances to have sex.”
Sawyer chuckled.
Was he laughing at me?
My head shot up and even though my face got red, I narrowed my eyes on him. “Don’t laugh at me! I never got to experience the world the way you did. Everything outside the walls of this cabin is a mystery.”
“I’m sorry.” He tried to smooth out his smile, but it didn’t work. “I’m not laughing at you. I mean, I am, but not like you think. I’m laughing because I’ve spent the last few weeks convincing myself that you were too focused on surviving to think about this stuff.”
I blinked when I found myself suddenly speechless. How could he think that? Yes, I needed to survive, but I needed a lot more than that. What was the point of surviving if you didn’t have a life?
“Sawyer,” I said calmly. “There’s more to life than survival.”
Chapter 13
SAWYER
There’s more to life than survival.
God, she was right. Here was Lucy, someone I’d considered so sheltered and naïve that she’d never be focused on anything outside her daily chores, and then out of nowhere she dropped a bomb on me that in the blink of an eye totally changed the way I saw the world. Yes, there was more to life than just getting by, but over the last five years I’d pushed all of that stuff to the back of my mind.
Lisa’s death had done that to me. Had made me think that I was wrong to want more than just what it took to get from one day to the next that I was selfish for wanting to start over and have a real life. When she’d died, I found myself thinking that if I had just stayed in survival mode it never would have happened. I blamed myself, but that wasn’t fair. I hadn’t been the one who’d done those horrible things to her, and I’d tried to help her afterward. Shit, I’d tried everything I could think of to get her through it. It hadn’t worked, but again that hadn’t been my fault.
“Holy shit,” I muttered.
“What?” Lucy asked, her eyebrows shooting up.
“You just blew my mind.”
I couldn’t stand. My legs were shaking as all the emotions and memories I’d fought to keep at bay came screaming back. I stumbled a few steps, barely making it to a chair before my knees gave out. Lucy was in front of me in seconds, kneeling and looking up at me with a concerned expression on her face.
“What’s wrong? Sawyer, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I whispered. “I haven’t been though, not for a long time.” She didn’t say anything, waiting patiently for me to go on, but it took a second for me to gather my thoughts. “When the virus hit everyone I knew died but Lisa, Mollie’s best friend. We started traveling together, trying to survive. She was a pain in the ass—” I cringed at the words, but I had to be honest. Years had passed, and I hadn’t once voiced the truth of how I felt about what had happened between Lisa and me. “But she was the only person I knew who was still alive, so I stuck with her. It was a hard time that was made even harder because she depended on me for everything. I did it all. Found the food, fought off the dead, found us shelter, and cooked dinner. She couldn’t do anything for herself, but I couldn’t just walk away from her. She was all I had left of Mollie, and no matter how much more difficult she made my life, I couldn’t bring myself to be the asshole who ran out on someone who was so helpless.
“For two years we struggled. Every time I thought we’d reached a point where we could take a deep breath, things would get bad again, and I was starting to think it would never be better. I was worn out, so tired that there were days when I found it hard just to put one foot in front of the other.”
Lucy remained quiet as I talked, but she had also taken my hand in hers. Her eyes stayed on me, intent and focused, and it helped me get the words out. I knew I needed to, but until now I’d never had the need or someone to talk to about it all. Here though, with Lucy in front of me, I felt like this was the next step in taking my life back.
“I was jut reaching my breaking point when the walls went up,” I said, continuing in a low voice. “Lisa and I went there, and we were given an apartment. I slept for nearly two days straight, and when I woke up the world seemed brighter. Over the next couple weeks we fell into a routine and I suddenly realized that the burden of keeping Lisa alive had been lifted off me. The future looked hopeful. We were still hurting though, both of us trying to get over the people we’d lost, and one night, after a particularly painful conversation about our dead spouses, Lisa and I had sex.
“We lived that way for nearly four years. I wasn’t in love with her, but I had started to convince myself that I was. I think I mistook safety for happiness, because looking back I realize that she never stopped getting on my nerves. In fact, the only times that I really felt close to Lisa was when we were in bed together. Still, if things hadn’t changed I probably would have stayed with her forever, because it was just easier that way.
“But it all came crashing down when four men snuck into our room in the middle of the night. Lisa had a run in with them one day, I don’t even know what it was about, but apparently they decided she needed to be taught a lesson. They pulled her out of bed while we slept, and I never heard a thing. When I woke the next morning and she was gone, I looked for her, but it took almost the whole day to figure out what had happened. By the time I got to her the men had had her for hours, and they’d—” I paused, looking away from Lucy when I said, “Violated her.”
“Oh my God,” Lucy whispered, her free hand flying to her mouth while the other one tightened its grip on mine.
“Yeah. She was never the same after that, and a few weeks later she killed herself. When I found her I thought it was my fault. All of it. It ha
d always been my job to look out for her, but I’d forgotten that and as a result something horrible had happened. I felt like a failure. Like I didn’t deserve happiness or to be around other people.”
“So you came into the mountains?” Lucy whispered.
“So I came into the mountains.”
We lapsed into silence. Lucy still had my hand and her fingers traced circles over the top of it while we both thought it over. Five minutes had gone by before I realized I had told her the story, but hadn’t revealed the epiphany her words had given me.
I turned to her, holding her gaze as my grip on her hand tightened. “When you said that there’s more to life than survival it made me realize something. For the past five years I haven’t done much more than try to get from one day to the next. I’ve been surviving, but I haven’t been living.”
“Sawyer,” Lucy said slowly. “Do you want to live?”
“Until I met you the answer to the question probably would have been I don’t know. Now, though, I can honestly say I do.”
She stood, pulling me with her, and when we were both on our feet Lucy wrapped her arms around me. She rested her head on my chest, her ear right over my heart, and took a deep breath.
“You’re a good man. What happened to Lisa was horrible, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“That’s one thing I like about you, you know that?” I said, pressing my lips against her head.
“What?”
“You’re strong. You can take care of yourself. You don’t look my way every time something hard comes along, and even though I want to do it all for you, to take care of you, I know I don’t have to.”
“We can take care of each other.”
My arms tightened around her and I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing her in as my heart swelled. Mollie had said those exact words. After we’d eloped and our family had told us we were too young and too poor, her mother had screamed across the room that I couldn’t possibly take care of her daughter. Mollie, who had always been strong and independent, had stepped forward with her head held high and said, “We can take care of each other.”
