by Ryan Michler
ISOLATION
That reality is that we’re lonely. What’s interesting is, that last sentence was hard for me to write. Why? Because men aren’t supposed to be lonely. We’re supposed to be the lone wolf, the sole leader, the “alpha.”
But deep down we want to be able to talk about our struggles. We want other men to bounce ideas off. We want someone to help us be accountable. We want to join the battle for our lives with our brothers in arms.
Unfortunately, we bought into the idea that reaching out for guidance, direction, and brotherhood isn’t manly at all. We started to believe the notion of the “self-made man” was the highest achievement any man could obtain.
Consider James Bond and Jason Bourne. These men are the epitome of perceived masculinity: strong, knowledgeable, charismatic, and alone.
What looks good on the silver screen, however, doesn’t really play out. When we attempt to isolate ourselves and shield our experiences, thoughts, and emotions from others, we limit our growth and expansion.
Our ancestors knew this. For as long as men have been on this planet, we’ve been forming packs and tribes. They knew that if they had any hope of survival, they would need to come together as an opportunity to accommodate each other’s strengths and weaknesses, learn new ways of growing food and making war, and solidify their communities.
In his poem “The Law of the Jungle,” Rudyard Kipling writes:
Now this is the Law of the Jungle—as old and as true as the sky;
And the Wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the Wolf that shall break it must die.
As the creeper that girdles the tree-trunk the Law runneth forward and back—
For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.
What Kipling means is that the pack (our friends, families, neighborhoods, and communities) is only as strong as the individual members of that pack (us), and the individual members of that pack are only as strong as the pack they live in.
Thousands of years ago, this was common knowledge, but today we are more disconnected than we have ever been, in spite of being closer in physical proximity than ever before.
I realize that as the risk of dying from a natural disaster, a medical emergency, or the hands of another man has declined, our need to congregate to stay safe and secure and to expand has declined. For the most part, gone are the days when we had to guard against attack by a neighboring tribe. Gone are the days when we ate only what we killed. Gone are the days when provisions were in short supply.
So, we disbanded. The result is millions of men who are left to walk alone, wallowing in their own self-pity, with no guidance, direction, or purpose, and, though surrounded by people every day, completely isolated from the world.
As Rudyard Kipling predicted, “the Wolf that shall break it must die.” Although our isolation may not result in literal death, it’s death all the same—the death of the hearts and minds of men.
UNDEFINED EXPECTATIONS
Thousands of years ago, there wasn’t a whole lot of guesswork with regard to what our role was as men. We were expected to hunt. We were expected to defend our tribes. We were expected to lead our people. Of course, times have changed and become significantly more complex. With the added level of complexity in our lives, we’ve been left wondering how and where we fit into society.
As I was running an errand the other day, I looked over to another car while I was stopped at a stoplight. I saw a man driving a minivan with his wife in the passenger seat. His wife was turned around to face the three children in the back. She was yelling at them, and I could see that the children were a bit excited, to say the least. I looked back at the man and couldn’t help but wonder what was going through his mind as I watched his expressionless face staring through the windshield. It was as if this man had been somehow replaced with a lifeless robot or the shell of the man who once sat in his place. Maybe he was just tired.
Either way, what I recognized that day was a man who had lost who he was and why he was here. In the work I do, I hear from men every day who are confused about what exactly they should be doing.
In my experience, when a man becomes so confused about what his purpose on this planet is, he stops. He disengages. This is what I recognized in the man driving next to me.
It’s easy to understand why this happens. Look around for just a minute and you’ll see that more and more, the role of men is being undermined and undervalued. Men are mocked by the media in movies and television. We’re portrayed as a threat to the overall existence of humanity. Our school systems are stacked against young men. Increasingly so, our boys are being raised by women. Even the Boy Scouts have begun to deteriorate as they move away from the mission of serving boys to making their programs more inclusive to young ladies.
But heaven forbid you bring that up. You’ll get slaughtered. Every time I make mention of the fight for our young men, I’m met with resistance and insults that range from cries of sexism to misogyny.
It seems the only time men are valued is when there is some sort of emergency we are uniquely qualified to handle. No one complained about masculinity when Houston was in disarray from Hurricane Harvey. Story after story began to unfold as thousands of men poured into the city with the boats, tools, and skills required to relieve the people of Texas.
I could share countless stories of men who step up to the plate when needed where no one bats an eye. But in times of relative peace and security, masculinity is once again under attack from the misinformed and misguided. Like the axe that sits in the case on the wall under a label that says IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS, men are sidelined until society deems them useful.
We ask women to raise our young men (and bless their hearts, they do the best they can), but there are certain things a woman can never teach a young man, just as there are things a man could never teach a young woman. We condition boys to be quiet, ask why they aren’t performing as well as girls, and strip away all the qualities that make them male—then have the audacity to ask where all the real men have gone.
We’re still here. But we’ve hardened our hearts, we’ve put away the things that make us men, and, in a way, we’ve given the proverbial middle finger to a society that doesn’t appreciate what we bring to the table.
And the cycle perpetuates.
OUR OWN WORST ENEMY
I could sit here and continue to write about the assault on masculinity. I could write a book that blames everything and everyone for our misfortunes as men. But that isn’t the kind of book I’m interested in writing, and it isn’t reality.
Sure, there are some things stacked against us, but that’s never deterred us from taking on a challenge anyway. In fact, men thrive when faced with a challenge. We’re built to step up when the odds are against us.
This isn’t a book designed to make you feel like a victim of society’s agenda. This is a book about taking control of your life. In order to do that, you’ve got to recognize that you have control in the first place. You’ve got to recognize that as many challenges as we face, we tend to be our own worst enemy.
That’s right, we get in our own way. We shoot ourselves in the foot. For all of society’s problems, could it be that we have perpetuated some of them?
When I first started sharing my story, specifically the separation with my wife, I made a video that explained what had happened to us and how I came to the conclusion that much of what we went through was my fault. That video has been viewed hundreds of thousands of times, and I’ve received thousands of messages about it—some positive, some negative. The negative comments I’ve received bring to light something very interesting: it’s hard for a lot of us to accept Sovereignty of our lives.
I’ve been called a cuck. I’ve been called a beta. I’ve been called a pussy. I’ve been called pathetic. I’ve been called every name under the sun following the release of that video. Why these names and comments?
Simply because I admitted that much of
the demise of my relationship with my wife was my fault.
“Well, Ryan, it takes two to tango.”
“She had something to do with it as well.”
And, my personal favorite, “You’re the problem with society because you take on too much responsibility and make yourself subservient to women.”
It’s an interesting perspective but wrong nonetheless. It’s because I’m willing to accept my share of the fault that I make myself subservient to nothing and no one. It’s because I recognize that I am weak that I become the master of my soul. It’s because I see that I am my own worst enemy that I gain my Sovereignty.
There is nothing so damaging to the hearts and minds of men as ourselves. There is a far greater enemy that lies within us than lies outside of us. He’s called the Natural Man.
The Natural Man is weak. The Natural Man is a coward. The Natural Man is lazy. The Natural Man is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. The Natural Man wants something for nothing. The Natural Man is pathetic.
Unfortunately, the Natural Man is within us all, and in order to become a Sovereign Man, you’re going to have to battle yourself, your greatest enemy.
It’s easy to see yourself as a victim. It’s infinitely harder to see that, in many cases, we’ve made ourselves the victim. Why do we do this? Why do we cling so hard to the role of victim? Again, it’s easy.
If you acknowledge that you are not a victim and that many of the negative circumstances you find yourself in are your fault, the result means effort. After all, if it’s someone else’s fault, there’s nothing you can do. If it’s your fault, there is.
The Natural Man doesn’t like to exert effort. He wants things to be easy. He wants things to be safe. He wants things to be comfortable. And as good as that may sound, ease, safety, and comfort are directly at odds with your Sovereignty.
You’ve created many of your own problems. Your marriage isn’t perfect, not because society is attacking the family, but because you’ve refused to do the work required to build a thriving marriage. You didn’t get the promotion, not because your boss is out to get you, but because you refused to exert the effort required to secure the promotion. You gained an extra fifty pounds, not because there wasn’t a gym near you, but because you actually believed that’s what was keeping you back.
You’ve shot yourself in the foot and now you’re blaming other people. You should be blaming the man in the mirror: the Natural Man.
Sovereignty requires you to take off the blindfold. Regardless of what your mommy and daddy have been telling you, you aren’t perfect. Regardless of the lies you’ve told yourself, you aren’t as good as you think you are. Regardless of the battle that society has waged on men, you are your greatest enemy.
This truth will threaten some men. They’ll go on the defensive. They’ll continue to post negative comments about my shortcomings while refusing to look at their own. They’ll say I’ve made myself a beta or slave to others while they’ve become slaves themselves.
For the rest of you, the thought that you are your own worst enemy will be empowering. You recognize there isn’t much you can do about outside factors, but you’re ready to take on the battle with yourself.
CHAPTER 2
THE CHOICE
“Neither a wise man nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait for the train of the future to run over him.”
-Dwight D. Eisenhower
You have a choice to make. Do you stick your head in the sand and pretend everything is normal, or do you step into the unknown, face the reality of your own inadequecies, and give yourself the chance to become something more?
I think we already know the answer to that question or you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t have purchased this book. You wouldn’t be listening to our podcast. You wouldn’t belong to the Order of Man or the Iron Council.
But let’s be honest, those things are easy, right? It’s easy to listen to a podcast on the way to a job you don’t enjoy. It’s easy to read a few pages of a book and get hyped up, then do nothing. It’s easy to join one of our Facebook groups, make a few posts, and pretend you’ve got this whole “being a better man” thing figured out. It’s easy to put on the dog-and-pony show your wife, kids, and friends expect you to put on. It’s easy to go to a few conferences, make a few changes for a few days, then revert back to the status quo.
The choice I’m asking you to make is not, however, an easy one. I’m asking you to make real and lasting changes in your life. I’m asking you to commit not for the next ninety days, but for a lifetime of wrestling control of your own sovereignty.
Along this journey, you’re going to have to face some hard truths you may have been hiding for years. There may be some serious conversations you’ll need to have. There will be some challenges and activities you’re going to want to resist.
We’ve got to be realistic about what it will take or you’ll quit before you give yourself a chance to succeed. One of my friends and mentors, Sean Whalen, says, “Radical change requires radical change.”
Are you willing to radically change your life, or are you just paying it lip service? If it’s lip service, put this book down, send me a message, and lie about all the wonderful things you’re now going to do with your life since reading the book, then go on doing the same thing in your life—lying to others and lying to yourself.
I understand your hesitancy. Some of you might be saying, “Let me just see what Ryan has to say, then I’ll decide.” Look, change is not an easy thing. You may be completely unhappy with your life. Your marriage might be in shambles. Your career may be nonexistent. Your health may be deteriorating. And still you refuse to change.
I get it. Change is scary. And it’s risky.
RISK
As a financial advisor, it’s my job to understand risk. Market risk, political risk, legislative risk, credit risk, liquidity risk, on and on and on.
Most of us spend our entire lives trying to avoid risk. What a shame, since, with as much uncertainty as there is, there is no way to remove risk fully from our lives.
Why should we attempt to remove it anyway? Some of the most amazing events in the history of the world have involved risk. Discovery of new lands, America’s independence from Great Britain, putting a man on the moon, and so many more all involved significant levels of risk.
Since risk cannot be eliminated altogether, the notion that we should avoid it at all costs is absurd. No, the goal should not be to remove risk but rather to take calculated risk.
When I talk with my financial advisory clients, we don’t talk about removing risk first; we talk about what risk they’re willing to take relative to the return they hope to receive. The same idea holds true as you are considering embarking on a journey that has the potential to change your life for the better.
See, right now, with your current beliefs, thoughts, and actions, you might be living with the false idea that somehow you’re safe. You may not put it that way, but if you believed you were in danger, you would do something different. It’s part of the human condition—to look for risk and to remove it from your life.
But what if I were to tell you that the greater risk lies not in doing something new but in maintaining the status quo? If you continue to bury your head in the sand and refuse to do the work necessary to recapture and maintain your Sovereignty, you’re opening yourself up to all sorts of blind spots that could potentially derail you.
You think you’re safe now because the reality of doing nothing hasn’t caught up with you yet. But when it does, it will come with a vengeance. On that day, ignorance is not a successful defense strategy.
With my investment clients, the most successful investors are those who make the decision to be proactive in their approach to the markets. You too must be proactive in your approach to your life. And make no mistake, being proactive does not mean being active; it simply means you’re willing to take an objective look at the data and information with an open heart and an open mind and act acco
rdingly.
I think you probably already know if you’re willing to do that or not. But before I ask you to choose, let me share one more thing with you.
COMPLACENCY KILLS
In 2005–2006, I spent a year of my life in Ramadi, Iraq, which was, at the time, the hotbed for the remaining insurgency during Operation Iraqi Freedom.
The first time I walked into the adobe building that would become my office, I noticed fourteen pictures of soldiers hanging on the wall. I asked one of the officers, “What are these pictures on the wall?”
As it turned out, those were pictures of the fourteen soldiers that unit had lost while they were serving their deployment. Obviously, this was a very sobering experience, considering we were going in to replace them.
As we served our time in Iraq, we adopted many mantras, one of which was “complacency kills.” As in, literal death. If you didn’t show up on time to your post or didn’t give all of your energy and attention or got a little careless or slacked off in any number of situations that could happen, you or a brother or sister in arms ran the very real risk of dying on the battlefield.
If that was the case, one father was not going home to see his son play baseball. One husband was not going home to be with his wife. One man was not going home to lead in his community.
I know what it’s like to play for keeps. And, in the context of war, it’s easy to say that you would always be on your game, that you’d always show up focused, and that you would always do your job at a hundred percent.
We didn’t lose a single soldier from our unit while we were deployed to Iraq. There were some close calls and there were men and women stationed on our base who died, but not one from our unit. We were fortunate. We were anything but complacent.
That said, most of us haven’t played a game of life and death. Most of us, if we become complacent, we lose our jobs or get sued or separate from our wife. We don’t die. Perhaps if the stakes were higher, we’d recognize that the complacency with which we’ve been living is not an adequate way to live at all.
