“What?”
“What makes you happy? What do you want outta life?”
“I…” I started, then changed what I was going to say. “Why do you ask?”
“’Cause I wanna know if it’s in me to give it to you.”
God.
Benny.
“Ben,” I whispered.
“I want kids. Three, four. Boys and girls, but however they come, doesn’t matter to me,” he put out there. “That’s it. I’m good at the restaurant. Comfortable with the money I got in the bank. I get the kids, eventually gotta buy a bigger house. And told you the woman I wanted. So there it is. That’s what I want outta life. That’s what would make me happy.”
He gave me that. No coaxing, no bullshit, no games, no holding shit back, waiting to see where I was and if I fit.
What he wanted was simple.
And beautiful.
When I said nothing, he pushed, “You want kids?”
“Yeah,” I replied.
“How many?”
“Don’t really care, but more than one.”
His fingers tightened in mine for a moment before he went on, “You like your work?”
“Yeah.”
“Wanna keep it or be a stay-at-home mom?”
“I don’t know. I figure I’ll know when the first kid comes.”
“Yeah,” he said.
“Do you want your kids’ ma to be stay-at-home?” I asked.
“Want her to be happy,” he answered. “So don’t give a fuck just as long as she gets that. Whatever way it turns out, we’ll deal.”
More awesome.
“I’m moving to Indianapolis, Benny,” I blurted, my hand tensing in his. “I have to. I—”
His hand gave mine a light jerk. “That’s not the next minute, baby.”
I shut my mouth.
“That’s on your mind, I’ll say this,” he went on. “You want that prize, you gotta work for it. And if there are obstacles in your way, you deal with them when you hit them. You find a way. We wanna work at this, we’ll find a way.”
It was a big obstacle to face.
In light of that, it was also the perfect thing to say.
“Okay,” I said softly.
His thumb moved, stroking the side of my hand, and he asked, “You good with our talk earlier?”
“Mostly,” I answered.
“Which part are you not good with?”
“All the parts that are still awkward and uncomfortable,” I told him, meaning the whole of it.
His head cocked to the side again. “Vinnie bring you here?”
I shook my head.
“I brought Connie here.”
My breath stuttered and I stared into his eyes.
“You have a past, I have a past,” Benny stated. “You loved a man. I had a woman who meant something to me. That was then, Frankie, this is now. It’s just that your man was my brother. We can make that an issue or we can decide to let it go.”
“It’s easy for you to let it go?” I asked.
“No, but not because he had you. Not because you were in my life in a different way and I had to watch you love him and lose him. Because he didn’t do right by you and that pisses me off. That said, I figure that’ll eventually fade too.”
“You wanted to go out with me in high school,” I noted, not even knowing why I did it, but Ben must have known because his thumb stopped stroking and his fingers got tight in mine again.
“Loved my brother, thought you were the shit, you were with him, didn’t let my mind go there. Last couple of weeks, I let my mind go there. I held no jealousy at the time. That doesn’t mean when it started with you two it wasn’t a blow because I fucked that up back in the day. You were around and available and I didn’t do shit for years about it and Vinnie got in there because I was dickin’ around. But when you were with him, that went away because it had to. Bottom line now, it brings me no joy you lost what you lost when you lost him. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m glad I got my shot. I could feel guilt about that, but that’s not on either of us. That’s on Vinnie. And in the end, it’s just the way it is.”
“But you said you were thinkin’ of makin’ a move on me when I was with Vinnie,” I pointed out.
He nodded once. “Could have guilt about that too, but that isn’t on me either. He made his choices and he was my brother, but I knew you deserved better. It got to the point where shit was not right with you two and it wasn’t gonna get better. So it got to the point where I started to realize I wanted to give it to you.”
I looked away, but his hand shaking mine made me look back and he kept going.
“You were not with Vinnie but some other asshole who didn’t do right by you, I woulda done the same thing. I woulda moved in. Some might say that would be a dick move, brother or not, but I don’t give a fuck. I would not have any guilt about that either. It’s the same fuckin’ thing, except that asshole happened to be my brother. Take Vinnie out of the equation, Frankie, and you end up with a man who treats you right. That is not wrong. You could spit fire or talk at me for a year and you wouldn’t convince me it was.”
“Do your parents understand what this is?” I asked in a voice that was barely a whisper.
“Yes,” he answered in a voice that was not.
“And they’re okay with it?” Now my voice was quiet but squeaky.
“They got more years than us. They know you’re a good woman. They want you to be happy. And they sure as fuck want me to be happy. They’ve done enough judging when it was not their place and the judgments they cast were fucked. They learned, honey. It is not lost on them that life is life and the goal is to gather as much happiness as you can while you’re livin’ it. Things mighta gone differently if I made a move while my brother was alive. They mighta frowned on that. Then again, they knew in their guts he was doin’ you wrong so they might not. We’ll never know. Right now, there is no one to hurt in this scenario ’cause the one who woulda got hurt is dead.”
“You have all the answers,” I noted, but not in a sarcastic way. It was just that he did have all the answers, answers to difficult issues I thought had none at all.
“That’s because there are answers to be had.”
“Why do those answers come easy for you?”
“Because I’m not makin’ them hard.”
I felt my brows knit. “Do you think that’s what I’m doing?”
“I think you loved my brother and you think you’re betrayin’ his memory by lettin’ yourself have what you want, goin’ there with me. But his memory is a memory, baby. There is nothin’ to betray. It boils down to a decision you make about what you want. And I know I’m hammerin’ this point home, but it’s a point that’s there for me to hammer. That is, he betrayed you before he got taken from this world. So my question is, why, when he’s gone, would you keep the faith?”
“You’re very angry at him,” I whispered, not having a good feeling about what Ben was making plain and not having that good feeling for a variety of reasons.
“Yeah. ’Cause I loved him and I’m pissed he’s dead. I’m pissed why he’s dead. I’m pissed at myself for what I did to you after he died. I’m pissed at what he did to you and my folks and my family before he died. I gotta work through that and I will. But don’t twist that shit in your head to make what I want from you to be about that. I knew a girl in high school who was sweet and spicy and I pissed away my chance with her back then because I was young and stupid. Years later, after I learned not to be stupid, I got my shot, so I’m takin’ it. Vinnie just happens to be what happened to you in between. It sucks because it makes it harder for you, but that’s what it is to me. He made this complicated. But that’s it. Now it’s just you and me.”
Listening to him, letting all he was saying sink in, I felt my breath escalating, but in a way where it felt I was finally getting oxygen after ages where I wasn’t able to breathe.
“You’re saying all the right things.” I said this
as a defensive accusation because I wanted to breathe; I’d just been living without oxygen so long I didn’t trust it.
“No, I’m not. I’m sayin’ things that are right.”
Instantly, his words forced a giggle to burst out of me that I couldn’t hold back.
Benny was grinning at me when he asked, “That’s funny?”
“It was the right thing to say,” I explained, grinning at him back.
Taking in my grin, suddenly, he tugged my hand across the table and I watched in utter fascination as his dark head bent over it, then felt the utter exquisiteness of his lips brushing my fingers.
He kept tight hold of my hand, even as his eyes lifted to mine.
“Coupla weeks ago, you trailin’ me back to Chicago, you pulled off to follow Vi, I felt fear, baby. Came out as anger, but it was fear that cut right down to the bone. Sal told me they got you, it carved out my insides. Couldn’t think, ’cause I knew if I did, I’d think of wastin’ my time, not sortin’ shit out with you. Hit that forest, saw you on the ground draggin’ yourself through those leaves. Only thing that stopped me unloading my clip in that motherfucker was Vi shoutin’, and you looked in my eyes and mouthed her words, makin’ a fuckin’ joke. Pure fuckin’ Frankie. I have never loved a woman, not in my life, not like that. Honest to Christ, you’re crazy-beautiful and I was into you, but I don’t know where that emotion came from. I just know that whatever that is I felt that day meant something and that something is huge. So I wanna know the good parts of feelin’ that. All I’m askin’ is for you to let me.”
I stared into his eyes, words clogged in my throat, thoughts crowding my head, feelings gathering around my heart, but before I could get a word out, in a quiet, deferential voice, our waiter said, “My apologies. The lady’s Bellini.”
With a practiced hand, even though Benny and I were both leaned into the table, he set it by my place setting and whisked himself away.
But both Benny and I had shifted slightly back to let him in, and as he whisked himself away, Ben stared at his back like he wished he had a knife he could throw at it.
“Ben,” I called.
He looked at me.
“Minute by minute, honey,” I whispered.
He closed his eyes, his hand still in mine squeezed hard, and I lost his face when he again dropped his head, lifting my hand, and touched his lips to my fingers.
Through this, I clenched my teeth, held his hand, and fought back tears.
He put our hands to the table, gave me his beautiful eyes, and whispered back, “Minute by minute, baby.”
* * * * *
Three and a half hours later, I came out of the bathroom to find Benny in the bed, eyes to the TV. As he’d been in a suit, in order to lounge, he’d changed into pair of gray, blue, and red plaid pajama bottoms with which he’d paired a white tee that fit loose at his belly, snug at his chest.
I bit my lip and headed to the bed.
“Pill’s on the nightstand, honey,” he muttered to the TV.
“Thanks,” I muttered to the covers I was pulling back.
I slid in, turned, saw the pill Ben brought up for me next to a glass of water he also brought up for me, and I took it, feeling warm and good, and it was pure insanity, but I also felt happy.
I settled in beside him but down in the bed, head on the pillows, because I was exhausted. I didn’t even have it in me to sit upright.
After the heavy, dinner went great. The food was phenomenal. Benny and I chatted and bantered and laughed and fell into what we used to have in a natural way, except it was what it used to be when we were friends, plus a whole lot more.
I was full and content (though, I would have been more content if I’d had a glass of Champagne) and we were both silent on the way home, but silent with Benny holding my hand against his thigh the entire way.
When we got in the kitchen, he turned me to hold me loosely in his arms, bent in, touched his mouth to mine, and said, “Go on up. I’ll be up in a minute.”
I did not argue this. I went up.
Now was now.
I would have preferred my first date with Benny Bianchi, where I’d begun to let go of what I was using to force a wedge between us, to end in a hot make out session. But from his words after his short kiss, I knew I’d be ending it likely cuddled in bed with him watching TV.
I’d take that.
After that day, I couldn’t take more.
And the good that was becoming awesome of all things Benny meant he likely knew that so he wasn’t going to make me.
“Babe, do me a favor?” he asked, eyes still aimed at the TV.
“Yeah?” I prompted when he said no more.
“Next time I take you out, a time when you won’t have a hole in you that’s healing, wear that dress.”
My lips curled up, but I said nothing.
He kept going.
“And I’m sure they’re sweet, but you got my permission to lose the panties.”
Of course, Benny Bianchi had the skills to spot the panties.
At that, I smiled inside but verbally muttered, “Whatever.”
He ignored my “whatever” and went on. “The shoes you can wear every day for the rest of your life and I’d be a happy man.”
Perhaps those shoes weren’t treacherous.
Perhaps they were miraculous.
I couldn’t hold back the smile at that, but I forced it to be small and trained it to the TV.
Five minutes later, when a commercial came on, Benny turned to me. He leaned in, lifting a hand to cup my jaw, and brought his face close to mine.
I looked into his eyes and held my breath.
“It’d make me happy right now I don’t have to sleep on that couch,” he said quietly.
I knew what he was saying.
It was too fast. Way too fast.
But after dinner that night, I didn’t care.
“So don’t,” I said quietly back. Though my voice may have been quiet, my heart was racing.
His eyes got soft, his face got closer, then his mouth was on mine. I only got a tongue sweep, but it was a tasty tongue sweep I liked a whole lot, before he pulled away.
Benny, not wasting an opportunity or time, shifted to slide under the covers. Then he shoved an arm under me and shifted me to cuddle into his side.
I slid my arm along his flat belly.
“Your checkup tomorrow is at ten,” he reminded me.
“Yeah,” I confirmed. I remembered.
“I’ll take you.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll also call Manny. After I bring you home, he and I’ll go get your Z so I can see to it.”
“All right.”
“Gotta get back in the kitchen, Frankie. You wanna call a friend to hang with you tomorrow night while I work?”
“That’ll be nice.”
He gave me a squeeze. “Right.”
After he finished squeezing me, his hand drifted up and into my hair. Then he started twirling a lock around his finger.
I don’t know why I did it, except that I wanted to do it and I didn’t get much of what I wanted, and a lot of what I wanted was right then stretched out beside me.
So I did it.
I turned my head and kissed his tee over his pec.
When I did, his fingers stopped playing with my hair and I felt his ab muscles get tight under my arm.
But when I settled my cheek back to his chest, his fingers started back up again and his body relaxed beside me.
“Nice night, honey. Thank you,” I told the TV.
“Yeah, baby.”
I gave him a squeeze and relaxed beside him, wondering if this was how it felt. If this was how it felt to get what you wanted for a lifetime. Have it stretched out beside you. The promise of it there all night so you’d wake up to it in the morning. The promise of it going to work the next day with you knowing it was coming back. A promise that would stay a promise—beautiful, forever there, beckoning, even as minute by minute it was bein
g fulfilled, leaving you taking your last breath on earth knowing you lived a life filled with beauty.
If it was, it was weirdly serene.
You’d think something that magnificent would be about fireworks.
But if this was it, it wasn’t.
It was quiet, tranquil, comfortable.
Beauty.
Chapter Eight
You Grew Up
I felt arms tighten on me and the haze of sleep lifted, slightly.
When it did, I felt a whole lot more, and that whole lot more consisted of my body pressed snug against the hard frame of Benny’s, the warmth of our cocoon of covers, and the safety both created.
It was a strange feeling.
But I liked it.
I tilted my head back, opening my eyes, and I saw Benny.
Half asleep, my belly still did a dip.
“Hey,” he whispered, his voice deep, easy, and gruff, and right on the heels of the last one, my belly did another dip.
“Hey,” I replied.
“How you feelin’?” he asked.
Groggily, I did a mental scan and found that either Benny’s bed with his body in it was a miracle elixir, or the lateness with which I took the pill meant it hadn’t worn off yet, because I felt awesome.
“Good,” I answered.
“Good,” he murmured, and I tensed when he lifted his head and buried his face in my neck.
The tenseness lasted a millisecond before I felt his lips at my neck and my body melted into his, even as my hands slid from his chest, one pushing under his body, which he shifted to accommodate me so I could wrap both my arms around him.
“Gonna get up.” His voice rumbled against my skin.
“I’m gonna snooze,” I replied.
“Mm.” The soft noise he made rolled along my neck, causing a shiver to glide down my spine and my hands to move along the intriguing ridges and flats of his back.
His mouth glided up my neck and I felt his tongue touch the hinge of my jaw.
I closed my eyes and dipped my hands lower, going under his tee and shifting up so I could feel those ridges and flats, skin against skin.
That was better, by a whole lot. His skin was warm and soft, the ridges and flats fascinating.
When my touch came unhindered, one of Benny’s hands slid to my ass and cupped it.
The Promise Page 18
