by Clare Kauter
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi,” I replied. Then I once again ran out of conversation material. Luckily Theodore had my back. He knew that being social wasn’t really my thing, and he took it upon himself to break the ice. He gave the corgi one final sniff before dropping to the ground, turning to the other dog and giving him ‘come hither’ eyes.
The corgi did not need to be told twice.
The little guy immediately leapt aboard (displaying remarkable athletic prowess given his tiny little legs) and, well, got down to business, humping Theodore furiously. Honestly, he was really going to town.
“Oh my god,” said the other jogger, looking mortified and somehow turning even more red. “I’m so sorry! He never does this!”
“Must be love at first sight.”
Tugging a little on the leash, which did absolutely nothing to interrupt the corgi’s rhythm, she cried, “Corgnelius, get off!”
I raised my eyebrows. “I think that’s what he’s trying to do.”
I was astounded by how cool I’d managed to play it in that moment when my brain was so busy shrieking, ‘IT’S A PUN! HER DOG’S NAME IS A PUN! MARRY HER!’
The girl turned to me, looking utterly mortified. “I’m so sorry. I – I don’t –”
I smiled. “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Theodore’s a bottom anyway.”
The woman’s eyes widened and, after a moment of silence, she put a hand over her mouth and started giggling. “We should, like, pull them apart or something, right?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Well, if you want to get up in there, be my guest.”
She grimaced. “Or we could just let them finish.”
“They do seem to be having a great time.”
“Seems rude to interrupt.”
“Exactly.”
“I’m Maggie, by the way,” she said, holding out her hand.
Shaking it, I said, “I’m Natalia. Nat.”
“Pleased to meet you.”
“Same to you,” I said. “Though not as pleased as our dogs seem to be to meet each other.”
“Well, I considered just jumping on top of you, but that seemed a little intense for our first meeting.”
We laughed together for a while and then stopped, still watching our dogs get it on.
“I can’t believe they’re still going at it,” she said.
“I know,” I agreed. “Corgnelius has got some stamina.”
She snorted. “I think he just really likes Theodore.”
“They’re going to be sad to say goodbye to each other.”
“They are.”
“I can already imagine the tears.”
“The pining.”
“The miasma of despair.”
She stuck out her bottom lip and pressed her hand to her chest. “The poor babies! We can’t let that happen.”
“What do you suggest?”
“We should organise a second date for them.”
I bit the inside of my lip without looking at Maggie. Was I imagining it, or was she flirting? “Oh, absolutely.”
“Maybe we could get coffee sometime,” she said. “On the way to a dog park.”
I smiled, turning back to her. “Sounds like fun.”
“I owe you a drink, anyway,” she said, “considering the fact that my dog clearly led yours astray.”
“Ah, I think you might have it the wrong way around there,” I said. “Theodore’s a saucy minx.”
She giggled again and so did I. Yes. I giggled. Me. Then my stomach got all fluttery. Oh my god. Seriously? I’d known her two seconds! How could I possibly have this much of a crush already?
“I’m not joking about that drink,” she said. “Like, this isn’t one of those ‘we should get coffee’ moments where you never see each other again. However inappropriate their form of expression is, we can’t keep two lovers this passionate apart.”
Were we talking about the dogs or ourselves? I didn’t think I was imagining the double meaning to our conversation, but then flirting via dog sex wasn’t exactly my specialty area. (And honestly I kind of hoped it wasn’t anyone’s specialty area. Gross.)
Maggie sighed. “Look, Nat. I’m going to be up front with you.”
“As opposed to your dog, who prefers to be up back.”
She snorted. “OK, can you stop being hilarious for a second, please?”
“I’ll do my best, but no promises.”
“Nat, I’m asking you out. Like, to get to know you better. Because you’re funny.”
I grinned at her, my face already kind of hurting. I hadn’t smiled this much in months. “Funny amusing, or funny weird?”
“Mostly the first one.”
“You might change your mind in time.”
“Is that a yes, then? You want to meet up again?”
I smiled like an idiot. I couldn’t help it. “Yeah, I’d love to.”
“OK. Now, just to make sure we’re absolutely clear,” she said, “I’m as gay as my dog.”
Now it was my turn to laugh. “Me too.”
“I’m asking you out in a homosexual way.”
“And I’m agreeing. In a bisexual way.”
“Right,” she said. “So it’s a double date?”
“Yep. Like a play date, but a gay date.”
She laughed like I was hilarious. Wow. OK, so she really did like puns. Did she have any flaws? I looked back at Corgnelius, who was still taking Theodore, thrusting with unbelievable vigour. “That little guy might need a drip after this.”
She frowned. “I’ve never seen him so focused on anything in his life.”
“We should exchange numbers,” I said. “You know, while the boys are occupied.”
“Good idea.”
We put our numbers in each other’s phones and then turned back to the dogs, who showed no sign of slowing.
Maggie frowned. “What if they never stop? What if they just go on forever and ever?”
“I guess we’ll have to take it in turns to bring them food and water.”
“This is our life now.”
“Dog sex assistants. Somehow that sounds more appealing than my current job.”
Maggie laughed, presumably thinking that I was joking. She didn’t reply, however, because then Corgnelius began to yap and Theodore started howling and after a couple more enthusiastic bounces, Corgnelius lost his purchase on Theodore’s back and slipped off, flopping onto the ground totally spent. Maggie and I bent down to check on our boys, concerned at first, but after a moment they both seemed to recover and stood, looking exhausted but satisfied.
“Well, we should be getting home,” Maggie said. “Corgnelius is going to need to replenish his electrolytes.”
I nodded. “Not to mention that they’re already giving each other the eye again. We should get out of here while we can.”
“OK,” she said. “But I’ll see you again soon, for our date.”
I smiled. “You might not recognise me next time you see me,” I said. “I’ll be all washed up and presentable, not panting and covered in sweat.”
“Well, not at the start of the date, anyway.”
It was about then that I decided it was true love.
When I arrived back at my place, Adam was already in the kitchen with my choice of takeaway for the night. I’d given him the spare key earlier so he could just let himself in. Ordinarily Theo would have run up to him excitedly but today he just collapsed onto the floor, tongue hanging out of his mouth.
Adam eyed him. “Is he OK?” He looked up at my face and caught my stupid grin. “Looks like you guys had an amazing run.”
“I just met the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
The corner of his mouth tipped up. “Lucky you,” he said. “What’s she like?”
I wandered in and flopped onto the couch. “Amazing,” I said dreamily. “Slightly crazy. She has a dog named Corgnelius.”
“Her dog’s name is a pun? No wonder you’re so helpless.”
/> “Theo and her dog are in love as well. It’s perfect.”
“What do you mean they’re in love?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow. He brought me over a glass of water.
I downed a huge gulp and replied, “They got it on. Big time.”
“Ah. That explains his apparent inability to move.”
“I don’t know why he’s so exhausted,” I said. “The poor little corgi did all the work.”
“You’re sweating all over the couch,” said Adam, staring down at me.
“So? It’s my couch.”
He gave me a look of mild disgust and sat in an arm chair nearby, taking a sip of his glass of white wine. “So,” he said. “You ready to tell me whatever it is you wouldn’t tell me over the phone yesterday?”
I sighed. Loudly. “Can I not just bask in the glory of being completely besotted with this woman for one moment, Adam?”
He shook his head in disbelief. “Fine. You don’t have to tell me,” he said. I sighed again, with relief this time. Then he continued. “And I won’t tell you about Billy.”
I sat up immediately, rounding on him. “You weren’t going to tell me that anyway.”
“I was,” he said, taking a sip of his wine. “But only after you tell me what you’re keeping from me.”
My stomach twisted into knots. I wanted to tell him. And I planned to. But if I told him what I knew now, he’d just think I was being stupid or vindictive. I didn’t have any proof, and these weren’t the kind of claims you wanted to make without evidence. After all, I was essentially going to tell him that I thought his company was rife with corruption. I just didn’t know what kind. Or who was doing it. Or whether it actually existed.
Nope. As much as I wanted to hear about Billy, I couldn’t quite bring myself to tell Adam my wild theories. At least not until I had a shred of evidence to back me up.
“Give me one more day,” I said. “I just need to… clarify a couple of things first.”
He was silent for a moment. “Fine,” he said eventually. “Now go have a shower, you slob. I’m hungry.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Billy
The next morning I woke up feeling significantly better than I had the day before. I’d limited myself to one drink, then spent the rest of the night drinking mocktails. While the parrot mocked me with his tales. Appropriate.
I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed in my exercise clothes. Once my shoes were laced up, I walked downstairs to the kitchen and ate a banana. I’d eat something better after I was finished running, but this would hold me over until then. Once I’d wolfed down the banana, I put on my headphones and cranked some music, pocketing my wallet. Pamela gave me one last steely glare as I fed her and then I slipped out the front door, braving the cold outside. I was wearing a hoodie but my legs were bare and goosebumps immediately sprang up all over them. Never mind. I’d be warm soon enough.
Like the day before, I decided to jog down to Bondi. I knew it was probably stupid, but I was hoping maybe I’d see the ghost again today. When I reached the beach (making much better time than yesterday), I headed straight for the car park. As I scanned the cars dotted around the place, I saw a couple of figures standing nearby, but unless Jake’s ghost was possessing a woman pushing a pram (or her baby, who actually looked kind of demon-possessed – and smelled like it, too) he wasn’t here.
I headed back down to the sand and jogged up and down the length of the beach, studying the face of everyone I passed. No luck there either. I tried the car park again and there I spotted someone. Not Jake.
Nat.
Gulp.
She was alone, probably having left her boyfriend at home to sleep in. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about her dating Adam. Wait, no. That was a lie. I knew exactly how I felt about it – sick to my stomach. But I liked Nat, and she was a good investigator. Sure, maybe I couldn’t trust her completely now that I knew what I knew, but I could trust her to do her job. Clearly. Because even though she thought I was crazy, she’d still come to the beach early in the morning on the off-chance that I was right about Martha’s ghost being a flesh and blood prankster. She was here to see if she could find the guy. She trusted me, at least a little. I could trust her a little too.
She was standing cross-armed, wearing running tights, sneakers and a hoodie. I walked over to her smiling. A real smile. After my initial surprise, I found I was genuinely glad to see her.
“Morning,” I said.
Nat didn’t bother with small talk. “Any luck?”
I shook my head. “Nope. Didn’t see anyone who even vaguely looked like the guy I saw here yesterday.”
“Me neither.” She shook her head. “I guess it was a long shot anyway. We probably should have brought some black candles and held a full seance if we wanted to guarantee your ghost’s presence.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh ha ha. Very funny.”
She quirked an eyebrow at me. She clearly thought it was funny. “We should hang around a little longer,” she said. “Just in case our guy turns up.”
“I know the perfect place to sit where we can easily keep an eye on the car park.”
She rolled her eyes. “Let me guess – it’s a cafe?”
“Wow, you’re clearly psychic,” I said. “Between my ghost-whispering and your mind-reading, we could start up a full paranormal crime investigation agency.”
“Maybe when we finally come to our senses and leave Baxter & Co. we can look into it.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You think you’d really quit?”
“It’s me or Bruno,” she said. “I can’t keep working there the way it is now.”
I nodded. “I know what you mean. Somehow I don’t see him resigning any time soon, though.”
She shrugged. “If he won’t quit, I’ll just have to get rid of him.”
My jaw wanted to drop at that comment, but luckily I caught it in time. Had she actually just said that? That she was going to get rid of Bruno? If there had still been any lingering doubts in my mind about what was going on with her and Adam, that crushed them to dust. She’d all but said she was going to have Bruno fired. I couldn’t believe Adam would give her that kind of power. Then again, with his history of fucking with people’s lives I don’t know why I was surprised.
“Shall we head to that cafe, then?” I said, desperate for a change of subject. I was pleased with how normal my voice sounded considering the sudden constriction of my throat. What did this mean? What if I annoyed her – would she have me fired too? I couldn’t deal with this level of stress. I turned and began striding towards the cafe. Where was Martha? I needed to propose to her immediately. It was decided. The toy boy life was where my future lay.
“Billy…” said Nat as she hurried to catch up to me, but I was already crossing the road.
“What is it you drink?” I asked, all but running to the cafe. “Peppermint mocha hazelnut something? Coconut milk? Did I forget any terrible ingredients?”
“Uh, two sugars, but –”
“Two sugars! Got it! You find us a table.” Thankfully Nat did as I said, choosing one of the tables out the front while I walked into the cafe and ordered our drinks at the register. I sighed with relief. I needed a second to collect my thoughts before talking to Nat again. That had just been so unexpected. Seriously? She was going to have Bruno fired? I mean, I wasn’t going to shed any tears over him – he clearly deserved it. It was just the idea of her having that kind of power. It was no wonder the others in the office didn’t like her. That was kind of off-putting.
The same barista was working the machine again today. Azita, Martha’s favourite. I’d get to know her a lot better once Martha and I were married. As she began to make Nat’s monstrosity, I noticed her brow was furrowed.
“I’m sorry,” I said. She glanced up at me, confused. “To force you to make that,” I explained, gesturing at the coffee (to use the term loosely) she was concocting. “I know it must be painful.”
She smiled, laughin
g a little. “It’s OK,” she said. “The long black is yours, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m not a psychopath.”
She grinned. “Then I forgive you.”
I waited and carried the coffees out myself, mostly so I’d have a reason to hang around inside for a while longer. I couldn’t believe how casually Nat had thrown what she’d said into conversation. God, maybe I should have stayed in Brisbane. The amount of anxieties that had piled onto me in the past forty-eight hours since I’d been back at work in the Sydney office were almost enough for me to consider transferring back. Then I came to my senses. Nope. I’d take the toy boy option over Queensland any day. And if Martha turned me down, surely she could hook me up with one of her friends. That was a solid plan B if the PI gig didn’t work out. Again.
I carried the coffees out carefully, placing Nat’s gingerly on the table in front of her. I sat opposite her and both of us angled our chairs so we could see the car park and ocean, just in case a rogue spirit appeared.
“Thanks,” she said, stirring her concoction with a teaspoon. I eyed it, barely managing to keep the disgust off my face. She looked up at me. “Don’t judge me. It’s delicious.”
I couldn’t even bring myself to respond, so instead I just took a sip of my own elixir. Ah. I could feel it sweeping the cobwebs out of my brain. Perfect. I stared out over the sea, enjoying the view. OK, the job definitely had its crappy parts, but this wasn’t one of them. Watching the sunrise over the sea, drinking coffee, listening to the sounds of –
CRASH.
– Nat spilling her coffee? I glanced over at her and saw that she hadn’t actually spilled that much. She’d just bumped it, clattering the cup on the saucer and sloshing the weird substance out over the edges.
“What’s wrong?”
She didn’t answer. Instead, she stared directly ahead, looking over my shoulder down the street, her eyes wide.
