“That’s an old wives’ tale, not a proverb, thank you very much,” he answered dryly before following her outside. “But seriously, Avi, you can’t keep living this way; blowing off your friends, hiding out in your condo. You’re so serious all the time; it’s going to burn you out. Just take a breather and smile.”
She half-heartedly stomped her foot. “It feels like that’s all I ever do.”
“Because you’re smiling for the wrong reasons.” He tentatively reached for her shoulder, then stopped, bringing his hand back to his pocket. “You’re forcing it to make everyone around you happy. Why can’t you do it for yourself?”
“Because I’m never happy, you know that. And if I was myself, I’d be a total bitch to everyone.”
“Being a bitch is better than carving a smile into your face; besides, one day you might not be able to take it off.”
Avia laughed and rested her elbows on the railing. She glanced over to see his soft smile. In all the years they’d known each other, he never seemed to change. He was always smiling and carefree; even on days when she was on the brink of breaking down, he never wavered. Sometimes it drove her crazy. Other times, like today, it was comforting to know she had something constant— someone she could rely on when life was dragging her to an early grave. She’d never forget the day she met him. Though she‘d never admit it out loud, he hadn’t just become her friend that day. He’d saved her life.
Chapter 9
Six Years Prior
Avia opened her eyes and gazed at her surroundings in awe. She stood in a vast meadow, long grass tickling her ankles in the warm breeze. She squinted, enjoying it for a moment as her eyes adjusted to the light. There were flowers everywhere, and some were almost as large as she was. The colors radiated with a neon glow, vibrant hues enchanting everything in sight. The sun poured down in bright yellow rays, but it didn’t give off the same heat she was accustomed to. The field was neither hot nor cold, but just… perfect.
Turning around, she saw a river snake across the meadow to her right, stretching out into the horizon. Unearthly birds with pink beaks and rainbow feathers dipped down to retrieve fish that seemed to mimic a smile. Snow tipped mountains loomed on the horizon at heights intimidating to even the bravest of climbers.
As Avia continued to meander, the meadow gave way to a massive jungle. She stepped under the canopy of leaves and walked further until the river was out of sight. The chirping of tropical birds and the chattering of monkeys filled her ears. She looked up and saw three rainbow-colored tamarins chasing one another through the branches, then vanish into wisps of smoke.
Even stranger, a toucan and a chameleon on its hind legs soon passed in front of her. The two appeared to be engaged in conversation, casually moving their forelegs and wings as they communicated through some unspoken language.
Avia stood in shock, blinking to make sure she wasn’t seeing things. She stared after them, mouth agape, until they too disappeared. When she was sure they were gone, she continued onwards, shaking her head in a daze.
The forest floor was carpeted in a lime green moss, occasionally parted by the roots of enormous trees. Despite having traveled the world when she was younger, Avia had never seen trees like these before. Their wide trunks thinned as they rose, bending and twisting themselves into breathtaking pieces of art. The deeper she went, the more often she had to step over vines and evade chunky, bright red mushrooms that stood at least four feet tall.
Avia couldn’t tell if she had been walking for ten minutes or an hour; her body was entirely free from fatigue. However, as fascinating as the jungle was, she wanted to explore other parts of this strange world. Deciding to turn back the way she came, she began her trek back to the entrance.
“Who are you?”
Avia started, unaware there’d been someone else so close. She spun around to pinpoint the voice, but saw no one. It spoke again.
“It’s very rare for humans to stumble into this world.”
“Who are you? Or where are you, I guess, to be more specific…” she added, carefully scanning the jungle.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the voice replied. “I keep forgetting people can’t see me this way.” A cat materialized in the tree above her, perched on one of the low hanging branches. It was the most beautiful animal she’d ever encountered. It had dark grey fur with glowing silver-blue streaks swirling across its body. It was staring down with very large blue eyes that she had never seen on a cat before. But what was most intriguing was its smile. It stared down at her with a wide grin that stretched ear to ear, exposing sharp, pointed teeth.
“You’re… a cat.”
“And you’re a girl.”
“Sorry, it’s just that I’m not used to talking animals and stuff…”
“You’ve never been here before?”
“Where is here, exactly?” she asked distractedly. A huddle of terrier-sized ants marched a few yards behind the cat. They appeared to be carrying something between them. As they got closer, Avia could see it was the corpse of a giant mouse.
Leaning closer, the cat sniffed the air and crinkled his nose. “You’re a human, but at the same time, not. You’re like one of the spirits, but at the same time, you’re not a spirit… Wait! You have been here before, haven’t you?”
“I’m pretty sure I’d remember something like this,” Avia said in disgust, tearing her eyes away from the ants to face the cat.
“No, not here like you are now, but in your dreams,” he said, waving his paw. “Think back to when you were little. Did you ever have dreams that completely took you away from the world and sucked you into something... magical?” He batted his eyelashes at the word in a manner that was both adorable and immensely bizarre.
Avia opened her mouth to deny his question, but paused.
Long forgotten memories slowly crept to the forefront of her mind. “Actually, yes!” she exclaimed. The memories were now a surging torrent. “My imaginary friend was here—crap, I can’t remember her name. And my favorite stuffed animal, Yoni, the elephant! I’d ride on his back and we’d go on adventures and explore caves… We’d do—”
“Anything your mind could think of?”
“Yes! I could fly, I could breathe underwater, I—"
“It was like you were a god.”
“Yeah… I remember telling my mom about it, but she just marked it up to the overly active imagination of a six-year-old. Then— when I got older, I stopped dreaming…”
The cat tilted his head and looked inquisitively at Avia. Her brow furrowed in thought and her skin blanched. The excitement faded, and things and words and people far more solid took its place.
“Ah,” he said quietly. “And when you lost the ability to dream, you lost the power to run away.”
The cat moved closer, climbing to a lower branch to rest above her shoulder. Avia sniffed and wiped her eyes, doing her best to hold back the tears.
“C- cat,” she choked, “where am I?”
“Everywhere and nowhere. To be technical…” He scratched his chin with his claws. “Prana, Ananta, the Astral Plane— the aether. I guess to make it easier to understand, we’re in the Spirit World.”
“So, I’m dead?” Avia whispered, lowering herself onto the mossy ground.
“Not at all. Let me see if I can word it better.” The cat paused in thought. “So, there’s Earth Proper, the real world, if you can call just one world real… The world where you’re from. The Annwn is the back of the coin, a parallel of Earth Proper where the supernatural exists. Then there’s the nothing; the abyss that surrounds the universe. Then of course, the aether— it’s what flows through every crevice of the universe, giving life to, well... everything. Some people tap into that energy, but most are clueless.” He stopped, waiting to make sure she was still with him.
She nodded her head and he continued.
“Dreamwalkers are those that can transcend reality and enter the Spirit World. Children often visit the aether in their dreams, but on
ce they reach a certain age, they stop dreaming and this world is forgotten. Spirits come and go, often manifesting themselves as, like you said, imaginary friends, or beloved toys. It’s not uncommon for some to take a liking to the children.”
“Okay…” Avia said, trying to make sense of the cat’s words. “But I still don’t get how I ended up here.”
“You must be one of the very, very rare types that can dreamwalk into adulthood,” he said with a yawn. He paused, stretching and repositioning himself on the branch, then smiled back to her again. “This world is your playground. Conjure anything you wish; like the imagination, this place is limitless.”
Avia closed her eyes and thought of a cold margarita. When she opened them, she found the glass in her hand, complete with a small paper umbrella. Laughing, she tried again, this time imagining the lead singer of her favorite band. A deep, rumbling voice and the blare of electric guitars blasted through the jungle as the band appeared behind her, performing a concert for an audience of one. She waved her hand and the stage blew away like vapor. Smiling at her newfound power, Avia turned back to the cat who appeared to be falling asleep on his branch.
“You never told me your name,” she said. She waited for his answer as she took another sip of her drink.
“No one has ever cared what my name was…” he said, a perplexed look crossing his face.
“Really? What about the other spirits here? You’re the only one I’ve seen so far. Well, the only one that bothered to talk.”
“Probably for the best. Housed Spirits, the animals you’ve seen already, are just extensions of the aether. They’re one with the rest of this world: the trees, the grass, the sun. Free Spirits, such as myself, can be a bit… unpredictable.”
“How so?”
“Well, actually, I guess it just depends on who they are. Most come and go, but never stay. There’s not much to do here.”
“What are you talking about? This place is amazing!” Avia exclaimed.
“For dreamwalkers. For spirits, it’s just a shortcut when traveling. The ones that stick around are kinda weird. Well, I guess that’s a bit harsh. Everyone’s kind of mad here. But I’m sure if you look hard enough, you’ll find some of the others.”
“That’s okay... I don’t want to run into any of these ‘mad’ people.”
“Oh, you can’t help that,” the cat replied smiling. He leaned in close. “We’re all mad here.”
“How do you know that I’m mad?” Avia asked sarcastically.
“You must be, or you wouldn’t have come.” He settled back with a yawn. “That reminds me, you never said how you got here. You’re obviously not a skilled dreamwalker if this is your first conscious visit. What did you possibly do to have left reality?”
Avia quickly turned away, avoiding his eyes. “I took a bunch of pills.”
“Ah,” the cat remarked. He jumped down to where she sat and nudged his head against her arm. “It’s okay. Right now, you’re in your own personal wonderland. Get the most out of it.”
“What do you mean ‘right now’?!” Avia snapped, her voice cracking.
“Even as a dreamwalker, you can’t stay here forever. You walk the line between the physical and the spirit worlds. Abandoning one for the other isn’t possible. Trying to stay here would tear you to pieces.”
“Oh,” Avia said through her lowered gaze.
“But don’t think about that. Besides, I’m sure you’ll be back here sooner than you think. Focus on what you wanna do now!”
Avia looked to her right and saw the crystal blue river that cut through the landscape outside of the tree line. She hadn’t noticed it before, but there was a point where the meadow cut off at a rocky cliff. The river continued its course, then dropped over the edge into an enormous waterfall. The fish almost looked like they were animated; their extravagant scales sparkled in the light as expressions of excitement and trepidation swept over their faces before they were pulled over by the current.
“You said I could do anything, right?” Avia asked the cat.
He followed her gaze, alarm shadowing his features. “Anything your heart desires...”
“Then let’s go!”
She jumped to her feet and ran towards the bank. She slowed when she got to the rapids, then knelt and placed a hand in the water. After swirling her index finger a few times, something solid began to form under the surface. A few seconds later, she was pulling out a two-person canoe, hopping in, and positioning the oars.
“Well, are you coming?” she called over to the cat, who was still standing on the shore.
“Well… It’s just that it’s water, and… yeah.” Avia smirked when he dipped one of his paws in the water before quickly pulling it back out.
Rolling her eyes, Avia snapped her fingers, and a yellow raincoat with matching hat and boots covered his furred body. “No excuses. Now get in.”
The cat sighed in defeat and trotted over to the canoe. He jumped into the second seat and fumbled with his pair of oars.
“You never told me your name!” Avia called back over the sound of rapidly moving water. The enormous waterfall loomed in the distance, fast approaching.
“It’s Cheshire!”
It wasn’t long before they reached the edge of the waterfall and the tip of the boat suspended in the air. It was then that they began the thousand-foot drop into the unknown.
Avia wanted to die when she opened her eyes to find herself not at the bottom of a raging waterfall with her new friend, but in a stiff hospital bed. The radiant sun had been replaced by white ceiling lights. The endless array of color had been silently transfixed into a bland four wall enclosure. Her parents begged her to calm down, proffering their fair share of “thank God you’re alive,” but she couldn’t hear them. The doctors were shocked that she was able to move, much less rip out the IV’s, but they quickly recovered and ran to the bed. They tried to sedate her, but she thrashed against anyone who dared get close.
The inward whispers she’d tried to push down for years exploded to the surface. But this time, instead of quiet longings for death, the single phrase “I want to go back!” was screamed over and over again as the nurses held her down. Screamed as her parents were ushered out of the room. Screamed as the sedatives tore through her veins and into her mind. But it didn’t stop. Even when she was asleep, it was a constant blaring siren in the back of her mind that would not relent, could never relent, until she found her way back.
Three months.
For three months, no matter what she did, she couldn’t figure it out. She had completely let go of the world when she had tried to kill herself. She’d been ready to accept whatever was on the other side. Now that she knew there was something past the blackness, she found herself more lost than ever.
But one day, something changed.
After yet another failed attempt at escape, she flung herself onto the bed.
“I am nothing,” she whispered. She buried her face deeper into the pillow. “I’m nothing.”
Her mind emptied until it had become a hollow void where nothing thrived. She didn’t cry or scream, but simply lay there, yearning to sink into oblivion.
Then, a strange thing happened.
As she began to open herself to the nothing, the nothingness opened itself to her. She felt disconnected from her body and left to float weightless in space.
As suddenly as the sensation overtook her, it left, replaced by grass pressed against her back and tickling her neck. A cool breeze danced over her face. When she opened her eyes, she almost didn’t believe what she was seeing.
Mountaintops towered in the distance and a neon-yellow sun shone overhead. The chirping of birds rang through the air as they soared into a lush jungle. She wanted to run and jump and explore every inch of her surroundings, but she needed this moment to last. All she could do was lie on the soft grass and release a breath that she didn’t know she’d been holding.
“You’re back,” a familiar voice remarked, follo
wed by a cat’s head materializing above her own. There was a time when she would have asked how a cat could speak, or where the rest of its body was, or even why it was smiling. But at that moment, time stood still, and she could become whomever and whatever she wanted. The bizarre, imp-like feline was her friend, and that was all that mattered.
Chapter 10
Avia smiled as she leaned against the balcony railing. Her three months in hell had yielded the answer to the question she had been asking her entire life: how does one escape reality?
It had been at one of the lowest points when she realized her mind needed to be empty, vacant of the most miniscule thoughts. If she grew immune to her medications, an assortment of illegal and prescription substances, she simply went further down her list until she found something strong enough to whisk her away. Alcohol and pills were preferred, but necessity had its way of breeding creativity.
She watched the small people below go about their daily business, then frowned. She had no idea why she wanted to escape the world so badly. Her parents and Julian could rot in hell, but the problem wasn’t just them. There had always been a hole in her chest. Her students, friends, Cheshire… People were constantly around, but at the end of each day, she felt more and more alone. At first, it was easy. Now, the routine had grown old. Faking a smile was like walking on a bed of nails.
Cheshire coughed and the sound broke the reverie. Without thinking, she stepped closer and leaned her head on his shoulder. The clouds overhead had turned a purple-golden hue in the sunlight, coming together before breaking apart in the breeze. She felt his hand take hers as he silently willed strength to pass between them.
Avia never knew if it really worked, but she felt better. Just a touch. Cheshire’s best trait was that he knew when to be silent. Six years ago, when she told him about trying to kill herself, his only response was “ahh.” Then he casually changed the subject.
Times like that were the reason she felt like she could tell him anything. He never judged, looked at her with pity, or even tried to give advice. He simply nodded his head and listened. And when she did ask for it, he would offer wisdom of someone far beyond his age.
When We Were Still Human Page 9
