MALVIL. Ha! what say you?
CATCHIT. Why, sir, I say that — I say, sir, that you have the prettiest ring on your finger there.
MALVIL. ‘Sdeath! do not torture me.
CATCHIT. It sparkles so sweetly.
MALVIL. Come, you have discovered something. I have a rival then. Vermilia is a jilt.
CATCHIT. Yes, marry, have you.
MALVIL. Be quick, dear tormentor.
CATCHIT. Well, it is the prettiest ring I ever saw.
MALVIL. Here, take it, take anything, tell me but all thou knowest.
CATCHIT. O your servant, sir; well, you are a charming man, and one can deny you nothing. I have made such a discovery.
MALVIL. O dear, dear rogue!
CATCHIT. This very morning has my lady been praising a certain gentleman with such raptures; running him over from head to foot with so much admiration and fondness! then every now and then, Catchit, (says she) don’t you think him an angel? Hum! a very dark one (says I). Did you ever see such eyes, such teeth, such a mouth? (says she). In my opinion, they are all very poor (says I). Then such a shape! such an air (says she)! Why, ay, the man would do for a dancing-master (says I). Lud! madam (says I), would you would think of poor Mr. Malvil. (And, to be sure, the tears stood in my eyes when I said it.) O no (says she), I will think of none but Merital. Then (says I) —
MALVIL. Torments and furies! Merital!
CATCIIIT. My mistress dotes on him and has appointed to meet him.
MALVIL. How? where? when?
CATCHIT. Here, at five.
MALVIL. ‘Sdeath! ‘tis impossible.
CATCHIT. It may be impossible, perhaps; but it is true;
MALVIL. Méritai a villain! Vermilia a jilt, then the whole world’s an illusion. [Walks and speaks disorderly. D’ye hear; do not disclose a word of this to any one.
CATCHIT. You may depend on me, sir.
MALVIL. But where’s Vermilia?
CATCHIT. Gone to the Park with Lady Matchless.
MALVIL. Be secret, and be diligent, and you shall not repent your pains.
CATCHIT. Not whilst you have jealousy in your head, and money in your pocket, signior. Well, how this affair will end I know not; but I am sure the beginning has been good. [Kisses the ring.
SCENE V
SIR POSITIVE TRAP’S House.
LADY TRAP, HELENA.
HELENA. To be sold! to be put up at auction! to be disposed of, as a piece of goods, by way of bargain and sale.
LADY TRAP. Niece, niece, you are dealt with, as a piece of rich goods; you are to be disposed of at a high price; Sir Positive understands the world, and will make good conditions for you. You will have a young gentleman, and a pretty gentleman.
HELENA. Yes; if a good estate can make a pretty gentleman.
LADY TRAP. Sooner than a pretty gentleman can make a good estate. The pretty gentlemen of our age know better how to spend, than to get one.
HELENA. Well, well, madam, my own fortune is sufficient to make the man I love happy. And he shall be one whose merit is his only riches, not whose riches are his only merit.
LADY TRAP. The man you love! O impudence! I would be ashamed, was I a young woman, to be even thought to have an indecent passion for a particular young fellow.
HELENA. I would, indeed, be ashamed, was I an old woman, to be known to have an indecent passion for all fellows in general.
LADY TRAP. Audacious! dare you reflect on me! on me for fellows! who am notorious for my abhorrence of that beastly sex. The young women of our age, really, are enough to put one out of countenance.
HELENA. Youth, madam, always will put age out of countenance in beauty, as age will youth in wisdom; therefore pray, aunt, don’t you pretend to the one, and I’ll resign all pretensions to the other.
LADY TRAP. Do you think you have so much beauty then, miss?
HELENA. I think I have enough to do so small an execution; and, I am sure, I have enough to please myself, and him I desire to please; let the rest of the world think what they will, ‘tis not worth my care; I have no ambition to be toasted in every company of men, and roasted in every assembly of women: for the envy of women is a necessary consequence of the admiration of the men.
SCENE VI.
To them, SIR POSITIVE TRAP.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. What lie are you telling? ha!
LADY TRAP. Justify me, deary, justify me; your niece says I have an indecent passion for your whole sex.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. That I will, by the family of the
TRAPS. So far from that, hussy, she hates our whole sex; she has hardly a decent passion for her own husband, because he’s a man.
HELENA. You have hit the nail on the head, my dear uncle.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Hussy, hussy, you are a disgrace to the family of the Traps. I can hardly believe Sir Nicodemus Trap to have been your grandfather, Sir Gregory your father, and Sir Positive your uncle.
HELENA. Surfeiting genealogy! ha, ha, ha!
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Do you ridicule your ancestors, the illustrious race of Traps?
HELENA. No, sir; I honour them so far that I am resolved not to take a fool into the family.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Do you mean Sir Apish, minx? Do you call a baronet a fool, and one of so ancient a house? Hussy, the Simples and the Traps are the two ancientest houses in England. Don’t provoke me, don’t provoke me, I say; I’ll send for Sir Apish immediately: and you shall be wedded, bedded, and executed in half an hour.
HELENA. Indeed! executed? O barbarous!
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. These girls love plain-dealing. She wants it in puris naturalibus. [Half aside.
LADY TRAP. Had you heard her just now, you would have thought her ripe for anything; I protest she made me blush.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. O monstrous! make my lady wife blush!
HELENA. She who did that, I am sure, was ripe for any thing.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Hussy, you are no Trap; you have nothing of the Traps in you. The midwife put a cheat on Sir Gregory.
LADY TRAP. I have wondered how a creature of such principles could spring up in a family so noted for the purity of its women.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. She shall change her name to-morrow; prepare to receive Sir Apish, for this is the last day of your virginity.
HELENA. Do you look on my consent as unnecessary then? for he has never made any addresses to me.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Addresses to you! Why I never saw my lady there till an hour before our marriage. I made my addresses to her father, her father to his lawyer, the lawyer to my estate, which being found a Smithfield equivalent — the bargain was struck. Addressing quotha! What need have young people of addressing, or anything, till they come to undressing?
LADY TRAP. Ay, this courtship is an abominable, diabolical practice, and the parent of nothing but lies and flattery. The first who used it was the serpent to beguile Eve.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Oons! and it hath beguiled above half the women since. I hope to see the time, when a man may carry his daughter to market with the same lawful authority as any other of his cattle. But for you, madam, to-morrow’s your wedding-day; I have said it, and I am positive.
HELENA. Yes. But know, uncle of mine, that I am a woman, and may be as positive as you; and so your servant.
LADY TRAP. After her, honey! don’t leave her to herself in this rage.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. I’ll bring her to herself, by the right hand of the Traps.
SCENE VII.
LADY TRAP. [Alone.] If Helena be Sir Simple’s to-morrow, I have but this day for my design on Merital. Some way he must know my love. But should he reject it, and betray me? Why, if he does, ‘tis but denying it bravely, and my reserved behaviour has raised me such a reputation of virtue that he would not be believed. Yet how to let him know? Should I write! that were too sure a testimony against me; and yet that’s the only way. My niece goes to Lady Matchless’s this evening; I’ll make him an assignation, in her name, to meet by dark in the dining-room. But how
to make it in her name? [Pauses.] Ha! I have thought of a way, and will about it instantly.
SCENE VIII.
HELENA and SIR POSITIVE TRAP.
HELENA. Don’t tease me so, dear uncle. I can never like a fool, I abhor a fop.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. But there are three thousand pounds a year, and a title; do you abhor those, hussy?
HELENA. His estate I don’t want, and his title I despise.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Very fine! very fine! Despise a title! Hussy, you are no Trap. Oons! I believe you are no woman either. What, would you take a scandalous, sneaking Mister? one who can’t make you a lady?
HELENA. Since nothing else will do, I am engaged by all the strength of vows and honour.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Engaged? Why, was not the widow Jilt engaged to Mr. Goodland, and left him immediately on the arrival of Sir Harry Rich, whom she left again for my Lord Richmore? Never tell me of engagements, contracts, and I don’t know what. Mere bugbears to frighten children with; all women of sense laugh at them. You are no more obliged to stand to your word when you have promised a man than when you have refused him. The law dissolves all contracts without a valuable consideration; or, if it did not, a valuable consideration would dissolve the law.
HELENA. Perhaps, sir, I’ll never marry at all.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Hussy, hussy, you have a sanguine constitution. You will either marry or do worse.
HELENA. In my opinion, I can’t do worse than to marry a fool.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. A very fine notion indeed! — I must sell her soon, or she will go off but as a piece of secondhand goods. [Aside.
SCENE IX.
To them, LADY TRAP with a letter.
LADY TRAP. O, my dear, see what good luck has presented us with. A letter from your niece to Merital. Sir Positive Trap reads:
“Dear Sir, — This afternoon my uncle will be abroad, to-morrow I am intended for Sir Apish. I need say no more than at six this evening you will find, in the diningroom, yours, — Helena.
“P.S. — I shall be alone, and in the dark; ask no questions, but come up directly.”
But, deary, this is not her hand.
LADY TRAP. Do you think, child, she would not disguise it as much as possible?
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. I smell it. I see it. I read it. ‘Tis her hand with a witness: See here, thou vile daughter of Sir
GREGORY. An assignation to a man.
HELENA. Insupportable! to confront me with a forgery!
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Your own forgery, hussy.
LADY TRAP. But, really, it does not look very like her hand.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Let me see, hum! ‘tis not exactly, very, very like. Methinks, ‘tis not like at all.
[Looking through spectacles.
LADY TRAP. This may be some counterfeit. I would engage my honour she is innocent. Copy it over before your uncle, my dear, that will be a conviction.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. Copy it over before Sir Positive, hussy.
HELENA. Bring pen, ink, and paper there. You shall not have the least pretence to accuse me.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. I would not have thee guilty for the world. I would not have such a disgrace fall on our noble and ancient family. It might render us ridiculous to every upstart.
[Here a servant brings pen, &c., Helena writes.
LADY TRAP. O horrible! write to a man! had I held a pen, at her age, with that design, my hand would have shook so that I should have spilt my ink with the bare apprehension.
HELENA. NOW, sir, be convinced, and justify me.
[Giving the letter with the copy to Sir Positive Trap.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. There is indeed, no resemblance.
LADY TRAP. Are you blind? they are both alike to a tittle. [Taking them.
SIR POSITIVE TRAP. To a dot. Her hand to a dot. I’ll send for Sir Apish immediately. I smell it, a rank plot! I smell it.
HELENA. You have out-faced me bravely before Sir Positive. You may not, perhaps, do so before an impartial judge.
SCENE X.
LADY TRAP. [Alone.] It is strange that women should contend for wit in a husband, when they may enjoy such an advantage from having a fool.
SCENE XI
St. James’s Park.
LADY Matchless, Vermilia, Merital, Rattle.
MERITAL. Indeed, Vermilia, it is very barbarous in you to torment poor Malvil so. Don’t you think, if you should drive him to any desperate extremity, you would have a great deal to answer for? And I assure you, by words he has lately dropt, I fear he has some such design.
RATTLE. Don’t you imagine, widow, that an humble servant of yours is in as much danger?
LADY MATCHLESS. If he be, I wish him a safe deliverance.
VERMILIA. Would he have me believe him mad enough to run his neck into one noose, because I am not mad enough to run mine into a worse? No, no. You all use those words, ropes, daggers, swords and pistols, only as embellishments of speech; or, if you have any design by them, it is to frighten us, not injure yourselves.
LADY MATCHLESS. But I am resolved not to be alarmed with threats. Let me see a gallant fairly swinging — And then — I’ll say, poor Strephon, alas! he did love.
MERITAL. You might justly say, he had more love than reason.
VERMILIA. Why do you attempt then to persuade us into so despicable an opinion of your reason?
MERITAL. Malvil says, that’s the surest way to your love: and that the lower we are in your opinion of our sense the higher we are in your favour. He compares those to two scales, of which as the one rises the other falls.
LADY MATCHLESS. And, upon my word, he is in the right; for who expects wit in a lover, any more than good music in an English opera, or common sense in an Italian one! — They are all three absolute farces — Not but I would have the creature be a little rational, and able to divert one in the sullenness of a monkey or a paroquet; so as to sing half a favourite song, or read a new play, or fill up a party at quadrille.
MERITAL. AS a chair does at a country dance, or a country justice a chair at a quarter sessions.
LADY MATCHLESS. — Eight. A lover, when he is admitted to cards, ought to be solemnly silent, and observe the motions of his mistress. He must laugh when she laughs, sigh when she sighs. In short, he should be the shadow of her mind. A lady, in the presence of her lover, should never want a looking-glass; as a beau, in the presence of his looking-glass, never wants a mistress.
MERITAL. Since a lover is such a ridiculous thing, madam, e’en turn one into a husband.
LADY MATCHLESS. Ah! the very name throws me into the vapours —
RATTLE. It is a receipt which has cured many a vapoured lady of my acquaintance.
MERITAL. But, Lady Matchless, what would you say to a lover who should address himself to your reason, and try to convince you of the principal end in the formation of woman, and the benefits of matrimony: from the lights of nature and religion disclose to you the system of platonic love, and draw his pretensions from his wisdom, and his arguments from his philosophy?
LADY MATCHLESS. If he had more philosophy than love, I should advise him to seek his cure from that. But if he had more love than philosophy — Mercy upon him!
MERITAL. Then you have just such a lover arrived. Lady Matchless. Bless us! ‘tis not Seneca’s ghost, I hope.
MERITAL. No, ‘tis the ghost of a departed beau, in the habit of a country ‘squire, with the sentiments of an Athenian philosopher, and the passion of an Arcadian swain.
LADY MATCHLESS. This must be Wisemore. [Aside.
VERMILIA. A motley piece, indeed. I fancy, my dear, there is as ridiculous a variety in this one, as in all the rest of your admirers.
RATTLE. Variety enough: for by his dress you would imagine he came from North Friezland, and his manners seem piping hot from the Cape of Good Hope.
LADY MATCHLESS. Fie! you rally.
MERITAL. Why, positively, the poor man is an apter object of pity than of raillery, and would better become an elegy than a lampoon. He
looked as melancholy, as ill-natured, and as absurd, as I’ve seen a young poet who could not outlive the third night.
RATTLE. — Or an old bridegroom who has outlived the third night.
VERMILIA. Dear Matchless, let us turn; for I see one coming whom I would avoid.
MERITAL. You won’t be so cruel! I’ll discover you.
VERMILIA. Do: and I will revenge myself on you to Helena.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 233
