SQUEEZUM. But there must be a discovery first. It is not enough that a man knows himself to be a cuckold; the world must know it too. Ile that will keep his horns in his pocket must keep his wife in his bosom. Therefore, Quill, as it is in your power to observe my wife, I assure you a very handsome reward on her conviction: for I begin to find, that if I do not discover her, she will shortly discover me, or ruin me by bribing her to hold her tongue. It is not a little gold will make a gag for a woman.
QUILL. Sir, I shall be as diligent as possible.
SQUEEZUM. And I am as liberal on your success.
[Exit Squeezum.
SCENE II.
QUILL. Indeed justice, that bait will not do. I know you too well to trust to your liberality. Your wife will reward services better than you. Besides, I have too much honour to take fees on both sides. — And since I am her pimp in ordinary, I’ll go like an honest and dutiful servant, and discover this conspiracy; for should she once be turned out of the family, I should make but a slender market of this close-fingered justice, whose covetousness would suffer no rogues to live but himself.
SCENE III
The CONSTABLE’S House.
RAMBLE, CONSTANT.
RAMBLE. This little mistress of yours is the most dexterous politician, if that drunken poppy doth not disappoint us.
CONSTANT. Never fear him: he hath cunning enough; and there hath been so long a war in his head between wine and his senses that they now seem to have come to an agreement that he is never to be quite in them, nor ever quite out of them: his life is one continued scene of being half drunk.
RAMBLE. Well, as we can be of no further use in the affair, but must stay here and expect the issue; pr’ythee, tell me what hath become of you these three long years since you quitted the service of the East India Company and came over to England with Sotmore?
CONSTANT. Why, at my first return to England, the prospect of war was in every one’s eye; and not only the reports of the people, but the augmentation of the troops assured us of its approach: upon which, I resolved to embark my small remains of fortune in the service of my country, and obtained the same commission on that occasion which I had enjoyed in the Indies. My history is not very full of adventures: I continued therein till the reduction, when I shared the fate of several unhappy brave fellows, and was sent a begging with a red coat on my back.
RAMBLE. It is the faculty of the cloth to be ragged. Red is as apt to be ragged, as white to be soiled. It is commonly the fate of our brave soldiers to bring home ragged clothes, as well as colours, and both are rewarded by Westminster Hall — the one is hung up in it, and the other is locked up safe by an order from it; for, Heaven be praised! the gaols are always open hospitals for us.
CONSTANT. The only happiness which hath attended me since my return is my having contracted an intimacy with that young lady whom you saw here; which hath proceeded so far, that last night we had appointed to meet in order to our marriage: but, as I was just arrived at the place, a woman well dressed was attacked in the street by a ruffian. I immediately flying to her assistance, the fellow quitted her, and left me alone in the possession of the watch, who early this morning carried me before Justice Squeezum, and by him I was committed hither.
RAMBLE. What, did she appear against you?
CONSTANT. No; they said she was ill of some bruises she had received, but desired I might be kept in custody till the afternoon, at which time she would appear against me. But by what Hilaret hath told us, and by some methods which have been used to extort money from me, I am inclined to fancy it all a contrived piece of villainy of the justice, and not of the woman’s, as I at first imagined.
RAMBLE. Be assured of it; — if there be roguery, the justice hath the chief part in it. But comfort yourself with the expectation of revenge; for I think he cannot possibly escape the net we have spread, unless the devil hath more gratitude than he is reported to have, and will assist his very good friend at a crisis.
CONSTANT. But what do you intend in England, where you have no friends?
RAMBLE. I know not yet whether I have or no. I left an old father here, and a rich one. He thought fit to turn me out of doors for some frolics, which it is probable, if he yet lives, he may have forgiven me by this. But what’s become of him I know not; for I have not heard one word of him these ten years.
CONSTANT. I think you have been vastly careless in neglecting him so long.
RAMBLE. ‘Tis as I have acted in all affairs of life; my thoughts have ever succeeded my actions: the consequence hath caused me to reflect when it was too late. I never reasoned on what I should do, but what I had done; as if my reason had her eyes behind, and could only see backwards.
SCENE IV.
RAMBLE, CONSTANT, STAFF.
STAFF. Here’s a letter for your honour.
RAMBLE. [Reads it.] Ay, this is a letter, indeed!
CONSTANT. What is it?
RAMBLE. My freedom under a sign-manual from the queen of these regions.
CONSTANT. Explain.
RAMBLE. Then, sir, in plain English, without either trope or figure, it is a letter from the justice’s wife, with an order to the constable for my liberty. [Reads. “Sir, — I was no sooner recovered of the fright which that unmannerly friend of yours occasioned, than I have performed my promise. You will find me at home: the constable hath orders by the bearer to acquit you.” Here’s good nature for you! [Kisses the letter.] Thou dear wife of a damned rogue of a justice, I fly to thy arms.
CONSTANT. Harkye! suppose you brought her to be a witness to our design — and — here, take this letter of assignation from the justice to Hilaret; it will give your discovery credit.
RAMBLE. An admirable thought! I fly to execute it.
Dear Constant, good-morrow. I hope when next we meet, we shall meet
In happier climes, and on a safer shore,
Where no vile justice shall invade us more.
[Exeunt.
CONSTANT. Success attend you.
SCENE V
A Tavern.
SQUEEZUM, DRAWER.
SQUEEZUM. No woman been to inquire for Mr. Jones?
DRAWER. Sir, I know of none; but I’ll ask at the bar, if you please.
SQUEEZUM. Do — and leave word, if any such comes, to show her up hither. — I have no reason to doubt her company, but I am impatient for it. I protest this woman hath revived the vigour of youth in me; sure, I must have overreckoned my years! — I cannot be above forty-nine at the most. — I wish this dear girl was come. — I am afraid I did wrong in giving her those five shillings, in a purse worth above two shillings more, which who knows she may be spending on some bully, who will perhaps send another present to me in return.
SCENE VI.
SQUEEZUM, HILARET.
SQUEEZUM. Oh! are you come — you little, pretty, dear, sweet rogue! I have been waiting for you these — these four hours at least.
HILARET. Young lovers are commonly earlier than their appointment.
SQUEEZUM. Give me a kiss for that. — Thou shalt find me a young lover, a vigorous young lover too. Hit me a slap in the face, do — Bow-wow! Bow-wow! I’ll eat up your clothes. Come, what will you drink? White or red? — Women love white best. Boy, bring half a pint of mountain. Come, sit down; do, sit down. Come, now let us hear the story how you were first debauched. — Come — that I may put it down in my history at home. I have the history of all the women’s ruin that ever I lay with, and I call it, THE HISTORY OF MY OWN TIMRS.
IIILARET. I’ll warrant it is as big as a Church Bible.
SQUEEZUM. It is really of a good reputable size. I have done execution in my time.
HILARET. And may do execution still.
BOY. [Without.] Half a pint of mountain in the Lion, score.
SQUEEZUM. Well — But now let me have the history — Where did your amour begin? — at church, I warrant you. More amours begin at church than end there. — Or, perhaps, you went to see the man of war — Going to see sights hath ruine
d many a woman. No wonder children are lovers of them, since so many owe their being to them.
HILARET. [Aside.] I thank you for that remembrance, I had forgot my lover. Ay, sir, it was there indeed I saw him first; that was the fatal scene of our interview.
SQUEEZUM. Well, and was the amour managed by letter, or by word of mouth?
HILARET. By letter, sir. I believe he writ two quires of paper to me before I would send him an answer: I returned him several unopened, and then several others opened — But at last he obtained an answer.
SQUEEZUM. Well, and after your answer, what followed then?
HILARET. Oh! he thought himself sure of me as soon as I had answered his letter.
SQUEEZUM. Ay, I have always observed in my amours that when I received an answer I never failed of the woman; a woman follows her letter infallibly. Well, and what did he say in the second letter?
HILARET. Oh! he swore a thousand fond things: that his love should last as long as his life: that his whole happiness depended on me — and a vast deal of that nature.
SQUEEZUM. Ay, ay, just as I have done myself. I find whoring is as methodical as the law.
HILARET. And I fancy as tedious with you, old gentleman. [Aside,
SQUEEZUM. Well, and how many letters did you write to him, ey! — before —
HILARET. Not many. He did not want much encouragement.
SQUEEZUM. Then, passing over the rest of the suit, let us come to the last fatal meeting.
HILARET. It was of a Sunday morning —
SQUEEZUM. Eight. My old method: when other people are gone to church.
HILARET. In an exceeding hot day.
SQUEEZUM. May or June? — Women and cherries are commonly gathered in the same month.
HILARET. I was fatigued with walking in the garden, and retired to an arbour to repose myself: guess what was my surprise when I found the dear perfidious had conveyed himself thither before me.
SQUEEZUM. A sly dog! My old way again. An ambush is as useful in love as war.
HILARET. At my first entrance he pretended a surprise at seeing me unexpectedly; but on my questioning him how and with what design he had conveyed himself there, he immediately threw off the cloak and confessed all: he flew to me, caught me in his arms with the most eager raptures, and swore the most violent love and eternal constancy. I in the greatest agony of rage repelled him with my utmost force; he redoubled his attacks, I slackened my resistance; he entreated, I raved; he sighed, I cried; he pressed, I swooned; he —
SQUEEZUM. Oh! — I can bear no longer, my angel! my paradise! my honeysuckle! my dove! my darling!
HILARET. What do you mean, sir?
SQUEEZUM. I mean to eat you up, to swallow you down, to squeeze you to pieces.
HILARET. Help there! a rape, a rape!
SCENE VII.
SQUEEZUM, HILARET, SOTMORE.
SOTMORE. Hey-day! what in the devil’s name is here? — Justice Squeezum ravishing a woman!
HILARET. Oh! for Heaven’s sake, sir, assist a poor forlorn, hapless maid, whom this wicked man hath treacherously seduced.
SQUEEZUM. Oh lud! — Oh lud!
SOTMORE. Fie upon you, Mr. Squeezum; you who are a magistrate, you who are the preserver and executor of our laws, thus to be the breaker of them!
SQUEEZUM. Canst thou accuse me?
HILARET. You know too well how barbarously you have used me. For pity’s sake, sir, secure him; do not let him escape, till we send for a constable. If there be any law for a justice, I am resolved to hang him.
SQUEEZUM. O lud; what shame have I brought myself to! that ever I should live to see this day!
SOTMORE. If thou hadst stood to thy bottle like an honest fellow this had never happened; but you must go a whoring, with a pox to you, at your years too; with these spindle shanks, that weezle face, that crane’s neck of a body. Who would have imagined that such an old withered maypole as thou art should attempt to fall on a woman? Why thou wilt be the diversion of the whole town. — Grub Street will dine a month on your account. Thou wilt be ushered to Tyburn with more pomp than Alexander was ushered into
BABYLON. Justice never triumphs so universally as at the execution of one of her own officers.
SQUEEZUM. Sir, if there be truth on earth, I am as innocent —
SOTMORE. All the innocence on earth will not save you — A man doth not always draw the rope by the weight of his sins. Your innocence will not acquit you in a court of justice against her oath; and, when you come to the gallows, it will be vain to plead your innocence. All’s fish that comes to the net there. The gallows so seldom gets its due, that it never parts with what it gets.
HILARET. Can you pretend to innocence? Was not this gentleman an eye-witness to your rudeness, to the injuries you offered me?
SOTMORE. Ay, ay, I can swear to the rape with as safe a conscience as I can drink a glass of wine.
SQUEEZUM. I see I am betrayed; I am caught in my own trap. There is but one way to escape, which is the way I have opened to others. [Aside.] I see, madam, your design is to extort money from me. I am too well acquainted with the laws to contend: I hope you will be reasonable, for I am poor, very poor, I assure you; it is not for men of my honesty to be rich.
HILARET. Sir, if you would give me millions, it should not satisfy my revenge! you shall be hanged for an example to others.
SQUEEZUM. Here’s a cruel wretch! who prefers my blood to my gold, which is almost my blood.
SOTMORE. Hey-day! what vehicle is this? a vinegar bottle? — Half a pint, by Jupiter! Why, thou sneaking rascal, canst thou pretend to honesty, when this dram glass hath been found upon thee? Were I thy judge, or thy jury, this very sneaking vehicle should hang thee, without any other evidence. But come, since you are to be hanged, I’ll drink one bumper to your good journey to the other world. — You will find abundance of your acquaintance, whom you have sent before you. — And now, I’ll go call the drawer to fetch a constable.
SQUEEZUM. Hold, hold, sir; for mercy’s sake do not expose me so. — Will nothing content you, madam?
HILARET. Nothing but the rigour of the law. Sir, I beseech you lose no time, but send for the constable immediately.
SQUEEZUM. I’ll do any thing; I’ll consent to any terms.
HILARET. The constable! the constable!
SQUEEZUM. Stay, dear sir; I’ll give you a hundred guineas; I’ll do any thing.
HILARET. Remember your vile commitment of two gentlemen this morning. — But I will revenge the injuries of my friends. — Sir, I beseech you send for the officers.
SQUEEZUM. One is already dismissed from his confinement, the other shall be dismissed immediately.
HILARET. It is too late.
SOTMORE. Harkye, sir, will you leave off whoring, and take to drinking for the future.
SQUEEZUM. I’ll leave them off both.
SOTMORE. Then you shall be hanged: but if you will commence honest fellow, and get drunk every day of your life, I’ll intercede with this lady, that, on your acquitting the gentleman, you shall be acquitted yourself.
SQUEEZUM. I’ll do any thing, I’ll quit any thing.
SOTMORE. Madam, let me persuade you to be merciful this time to this unfortunate and undutiful servant of justice.
HILARET. Sir, I can deny you nothing.
SQUEEZUM. Get me a pen and ink; I’ll send an order to bring him hither, and discharge him instantly.
SOTMORE. Drawer, bring pen, ink, and paper, and a bottle of old port.
SQUEEZUM. [To Hilaret.] And could you have had the conscience to have sworn against a poor old man?
SOTMORE. Faith! ‘twas a little cruel. Could you have had the heart to see him swinging like a gibbeted skeleton? Could you have served up such a dry dish to justice — The body of one of her own children too? — But here’s the paper. Come, sir, write his discharge and your own.
[Squeezum writes, Sotmore and Hilaret advance.
SOTMORE. You have managed this matter so well, that I shall have an opinion of y
our sex’s understanding ever after.
HILARET. Let a woman alone for a plot, Mr. Sotmore.
SOTMORE. Ay, madam, a woman that will drink a bumper. Wine is the fountain of thought: and
The more we drink,
The more we think.
It is a question with me, whether wine hath done more good, or physic harm, in the world: I would have every apothecary’s shop in the town turned into a tavern.
HILARET. I am afraid, the more you have of the one, the more you will require of the other.
SOTMORE. It is their drugs that debauch our wine: Wine in itself is as innocent as water, and physic poisons both. It is not the juice of the grape, but of the drug, that is pernicious. Let me advise you, madam, leave off your damned adulterated water, your tea, and take to wine. It will paint your face better than vermilion, and put more honesty in your heart than all the sermons you can read. I’ll introduce you to some clubs of my acquaintance, a set of honest fellows, that live in the clouds of tobacco, and know no home but a tavern.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 263
