ISABELLA. Well, I am resolved to take care how I venture a step again after it is dark: I find the sun is the only guard to us women; for, however chaste the moon may be in herself, she takes but very little care of ours.
WORTHY. But could the villain be very rude?
ISABELLA. As rude as so short a time would permit. I would have given all I was worth in the world to have been here; but since I escaped, let us forget it.
WORTHY. Forget! by Heaven it shocks me; that we, who boast as wholesome laws as any kingdom upon earth, should, by the roguery of some of their executors, lose all their benefit. I long to see the time when here, as in Holland, the traveller may walk unmolested, and carry his riches openly with him.
SCENE VI.
WORTHY, ISABELLA, SQUEEZUM.
SQUEEZUM. Mr. Worthy, your humble servant. I come to wait on you on the strangest piece of business. We are brought to a fine pass indeed, when magistrates shall not be safe; we are like to protect others when we cannot protect ourselves.
WORTHY. What is the occasion of all this passion, Mr. Squeezum?
SQUEEZUM. Occasion! I have scarce power to tell you. I have discovered one of the most damnable conspiracies that hath been invented since the gunpowder treason plot.
WORTHY. Nothing against the government, I hope?
SQUEEZUM. Marry, but it is; for that which is against: the officers of the government, is against the government. In short, sir, it is a conspiracy against me, against myself. What do you think, brother Worthy, but that, moved and seduced by the instigation of the devil, a vile woman hath conspired to swear a rape against me?
WORTHY. A rape against you! foolish jade! Why, your very face would acquit you — you have innocence in your looks, brother Squeezum.
SQUEEZUM. I hope my character will acquit me against such an accusation.
WORTHY. I think it ought; a man, whose character would not, is very unfit for that honourable commission you bear.
SQUEEZUM. True! these slurs reflect on us all. The accusing a member is accusing the body. We should consider it may be our own case. We should stand by one another, as the lawyers do. I hope, brother, you will show me extraordinary justice; and I assure you, should any affair of yours come before me, my partiality shall lean on your side.
WORTHY. Partiality, sir! I hope no cause of mine ever will require it. I assure you I shall do the strictest justice; I believe you will not need more.
SQUEEZUM. Sir, my case needs no more; but I think it incumbent on us all to discountenance any prosecution of ourselves on any account whatsoever.
WORTHY. To discountenance it by the innocence of our lives is indeed laudable, but no farther. It is a cursed law which exempts the maker or the executor of it from its penalty.
SQUEEZUM. Truly, brother Worthy, I think the makers of laws, and the executors of them, should be free of them; as authors and actors are free of the playhouse.
WORTHY. You are ludicrous, Mr. Squeezum. But let me tell you he is the greatest of villains, who hath the impudence to hold the sword of justice while he deserves its edge.
SQUEEZUM. And let me tell you brother Worthy, he is the greatest of fools who holds the sword of justice and hurts himself with it.
ISABELLA. Brother, your servant; my presence will be very little necessary at this trial.
SCENE VII.
WORTHY, SQUEEZUM, CONSTANT, HILARET, STAFF, SOTMORE, BRAZENCOURT, FIREBALL, THREE ASSISTANTS.
SQUEEZUM. But here come the prisoners. — Brother Worthy, this is the woman whom I accuse of this detestable fact; — the manner of it was this: I received a letter in an unknown hand, appointing me to meet at a tavern, which out of pure good nature I complied with; and upon my arrival found that woman there alone, who, after a short discourse, laid hold of me, and bawled out; on which that man there entered, and both threatened me, that unless I immediately discharged that man [points to Constant] with another whom I had committed for notorious crimes, that the woman should swear a rape against me. — This I am ready to swear.
THREE ASSISTANTS. And we are ready to swear.
WORTHY. What do you say, young woman, to this? You do not look like one whom I should suspect of such behaviour.
HILARET. That I did threaten him, as he says, indeed I confess.
WORTHY. But did he attempt any such thing?
HILARET. I can’t say he did, but —
SQUEEZUM. Do you hear this, brother Worthy? I think you have nothing to do but to make her mittimus.
WORTHY. And for what reason did you offer this?
HILARET. I offered it only to frighten him to the discharge of two gentlemen, whom he had villainously committed to the custody of that constable.
WORTHY. For what crimes do they stand committed,
MR. Constable?
STAFF. For two rapes, an’t please your worship.
HILARET. One of them on my account, — though I never swore the least thing against him.
WORTHY. On your account, — I begin to be afraid he was unjustly committed indeed.
SQUEEZUM. NOW, sir, we shall proceed to blacken a little the character of this woman. Call Mr. Brazencourt. Mr. Brazencourt, what do you know of this fine lady?
BRAZENCOURT. I know nothing more of her than that I kept her half a year.
WORTHY. Kept her — in what capacity did you keep her?
BRAZENCOURT. In the capacity of a whore, till I was obliged to turn her off for stealing four of my shirts, two pair of stockings, and my Common Prayer Book.
SQUEEZUM. Call Captain Fireball.
WORTHY. Captain Fireball, pray do you know any harm of that person there?
FIREBALL. Harm of her! ay, and so doth my surgeon too. She came to me from Major Brazencourt. I kept her two months.
HILARET. Sir, I beseech you hear me.
WORTHY. By and by. You must not interrupt them. — Go on. Did you lose any thing by her too?
FIREBALL. No, but I got something by her, which made my surgeon get something by me — I love to express myself in modest terms, but I believe you all know what I mean.
SQUEEZUM. Call Mr. Drury. We shall blacken her farther presently.
WORTHY. Indeed, you need not; let us hear no more; for her sake, I will never put confidence in an innocent countenance again. — Well, woman, can you say any thing for yourself?
HILARET. O that I could hide myself for ever from the world, and never from this hour behold the sun again!
WORTHY. Indeed, but you shall, madam, and be beheld by others too.
CONSTANT. Come to my bosom, thou dearest, sweetest, loveliest; hide thy sorrows there. — Death only shall tear thee from my arms again. Death! hell itself cannot have a torment equal to seeing one tear of thine.
SOTMORE. Harkye, justice, I believe thou art honester than thy brother; I am sure thou canst not be a greater rogue: if thou wilt act the right part, acquit us, and send that villain to prison.
SCENE VIII,
WORTHY, SQUEEZUM, CONSTANT, HILARET, SOTMORE, STAFF, CONSTABLES, ASSISTANTS, POLITIC, FAITHFUL, CLORIS.
FAITHFUL. Now, sir, will you believe your own eyes? — Is not that your own daughter?
POLITIC. It is, indeed. — Oh! my unfortunate child —
WORTHY. Mr. Politic, your humble servant — I will but commit this woman to gaol, and then I will be at your command.
POLITIC. Sir, you shall not be my humble servant, nor will I be yours; and if you commit my daughter to prison you are the worst of Turks.
WORTHY. Your daughter, sir!
POLITIC. Yes, sir, my daughter, sir.
HILARET. Oh! my father!
POLITIC. My poor child! — That ever I should live to see thee in such a misfortune!
WORTHY. Is it possible, Mr. Politic, that this young lady is your daughter?
POLITIC. Yes, sir, it is as possible, as that the Turks may come into our part of Europe; and I wish this may not be as sure as that.
SCENE IX.
WORTHY, SQUEEZUM, CONSTANT, HILARET, STAFF, CONSTABLE
S, ASSISTANTS, POLITIC, FAITHFUL, SOTMORE, CLORIS, RAMBLE, MRS. SQUEEZUM, QUILL.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Where is this glory of the bench? this gallant justice, this terror and example of sin? Do you know this hand, sir? Did you write this assignation? You are a noble gentleman truly, to make an appointment with a fine lady, and then bring her before a magistrate.
SQUEEZUM. O my malignant stars!
WORTHY. Mrs. Squeezum, what is the matter?
MRS. SQUEEZUM. You, Mr. Worthy, I am sure will pity one who hath the misfortune to be married to a man who is as much a scandal to the commission he bears, as you are an honour to it; my conscience hath been too long burdened with conniving at his rogueries. He, sir, he alone is guilty, and every one whom he hath accused is innocent.
WORTHY. I know not what to think!
RAMBLE. Sir, that fellow there, that butcher of justice, is the greatest villain that ever was born. — Being a little frolicsome last night with this lady, that constable seized us. ‘Tis to me she is indebted for all this trouble; though Mr. Constable may claim some share in not suffering us to depart at her desire.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. And Mr. Justice may claim a little, who committed you to the constable’s house without any evidence, or even accusation.
RAMBLE. That he might extort two hundred pounds, for which sum he offered to compromise the matter.
SQUEEZUM. Harkye, madam, I shall be obliged to commit you to Bedlam.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. No, sir, I shall prevent you in that, as well as in your other designs; your plot with Mr. Quill, which the whole world shall know; you shall be divorced, sir, though not the way you desire.
SQUEEZUM. Sir, I beseech you to hear no more.
WORTHY. That, sir, I cannot grant.
RAMBLE. Sir, I desire that you would read that letter, which he sent to this young lady whom he hath accused.
WORTHY. [Reads.] “My little honeysuckle, I will meet you within this half-hour at the Eagle. I hope, after what you have received from me to-day, you will not disappoint yours till then and ever after.” — Did you write this letter, Mr. Squeezum?
SQUEEZUM. No, sir, as I am ready to swear.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Sir, I will swear it to be his hand —
FAITHFUL. And so will I — I lived with him a twelvemonth, and therefore should know it.
QUILL. And I carried it to the lady.
SOTMORE. Come, come, justice, thou hast proof enough of her innocence. I will give you the word of a man of honour, which is more than the oaths of twenty such scoundrels as these, that she never intended more than to frighten him to the acquittal of Captain Constant here, whom he had unjustly committed.
CONSTANT. And offered to acquit for a sum of money.
WORTHY. Captain Constant? is your name Constant, sir?
CONSTANT. At your service.
WORTHY. Desire my sister to walk hither — I am more obliged to you than you know.
SQUEEZUM. Come, sir, this is only losing time — I want the mittimus.
SCENE X.
WORTHY. SQUEEZUM, RAMBLE, CONSTANT, SOTMORE, HILARET, POLITIC, MRS. SQUEEZUM, QUILL, STAFF, FAITHFUL, &C., ISABELLA.
WORTHY. Sister, do you know this gentleman?
ISABELLA. Captain Constant. It is happy for me that I do — I thank you, sir, for your generous rescue last night, which my fright at that time prevented my acknowledging.
CONSTANT. And was it you, madam?
RAMBLE. My Isabella!
ISABELLA. Ha! — it is, it is my Ramble —
RAMBLE. My touch deceives me not, it is my charming she, once more restored to my despairing hopes.
ISABELLA. What lucky stars can have contrived this interview?
RAMBLE. Very lucky stars they appear now; but they had a confounded ugly aspect some time ago.
ISABELLA. Surprising! Brother, let that fellow be secured. He was the person from whose hands this gentleman delivered me. [To Fireball.
QUILL. I hope your worship will forgive me; but I hired these two men, by my master’s command, to be evidences for him.
WORTHY. Surprising villainy! — secure them instantly. And particularly that justice, — whom I shall no longer treat as a gentleman, but as his villainy hath merited. — Constable, I charge you with them all — and let them be kept below in the parlour, whither I will come immediately and sign their commitment.
SQUEEZUM. Sir, you shall wish you had dealt more favourably with me.
WORTHY. Sir, your threatenings will not terrify me.
FAITHFUL. Come, gentlemen, we’ll be your safeguard.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I’ll follow thee, like thy evil genius, till I have brought thee to that justice thou deservest.
SCENE THE LAST.
WORTHY, RAMBLE, CONSTANT, SOTMORE, HILARET. ISABELLA, POLITIC.
RAMBLE. My dear Isabella, I am so overjoyed at this unexpected meeting, that I do not ask for the safety of our treasure. Since the sea hath refunded Isabella, let it take the jewels.
ISABELLA. The sea hath been even kinder than your wish, ic hath returned you both.
RAMBLE. I should soon have forgotten that loss in having Isabella; yet, for her sake, the treasure is welcome too.
WORTHY. Mr. Politic, I am heartily concerned at this misfortune which hath befallen your daughter.
RAMBLE. Mr. Politic! — By Heavens, his features are the same. Had you not a son, sir, once?
POLITIC. Yes, sir, I had; but I turned him out of doors, and believe he was hanged long ago.
RAMBLE. Then I am his ghost, just arrived from the
INDIES. When you turned me out of doors I got admitted into the East India Company’s service; I changed my name in order to escape your discovery — and I hope you will now give us both your blessing.
POLITIC. And are you really that wild fellow my son?
RAMBLE. I am that very identical wild person, I assure you.
POLITIC. I don’t know whether I’ll give you my blessing or no, till I see how you are married.
WORTHY. Mr. Politic, I rejoice in the union of our families; this lady, your son’s wife, is my sister — and if fourscore thousand pounds can make the match agreeable to you, it will be so.
POLITIC. Hath the wild rogue made his fortune at last! Well, son, I give you my blessing; and my dear daughter, I give you joy, and I hope the boy will give it you, ay, and lasting and constant joy. — If he doth not make you a good husband. I’ll not own him: if he doth not make you blessed, he shall have no blessing of mine.
ISABELLA. Sir, I doubt him not.
RAMBLE. Well, father, I have nothing more to ask of you, but in favour of my friend Captain Constant, whose love I am certain will complete the happiness of my sister.
WORTHY. I think I have never been witness to such a complication of villainy. Sir [to Constant], I assure yon, and all of you, you shall have sufficient reparation for the injuries you have suffered. And, sir, by the character which I have had from my sister of that gentleman, I do not think your daughter can be better disposed of, let the difference of fortune be what it please.
RAMBLE. Besides, though his estate be not equal now, it may become so; for no man hath a better insight into politics.
POLITIC. Nay, if his studies bend that way, no man indeed can tell to what his estate may come. Had I known this sooner, my doors should never have been shut against him. Sir, I shall be glad to confabulate with you at my house — and, if you should set your heart on my daughter, I do not believe I shall do any thing to break it.
RAMBLE. Nay, sir, there is no hour like the present; this hour hath proved lucky to your family. — Give me leave to present your daughter to one, whom, if she deserves, I shall be proud of calling her sister.
CONSTANT. Ramble, you have crowned my obligations with a gift far dearer than the earth could prove.
HILARET. I only wish you may always think so, captain. And now, papa, I hope you will pardon this night’s sally to both me and poor Cloris; we have been already sufficiently punished; and since the event is happy, imitate in this on
e thing the Turks, and consider it favourably, as it hath been prosperous.
POLITIC. The Turks! I wish you were better acquainted with them than in romances; I hope that gentleman will take care to instruct you in public affairs. Well, Jack [to Ramble], I long to have some communication with you about the affairs in the Indies, and the posture of our trade there — I hope you left the Great Mogul in good health —
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 265
