MR. WISDOM. To my wish. She hath not ventured to stir abroad since. This demand you have drawn upon my wife for twenty pound will be of more service to me than a draught on the bank for so many hundreds.
MR. SOFTLY. I wish your threatening letter to my wife had met with the same success: but alack! it hath a quite contrary effect. She swears she’ll go abroad the more now to show her courage: but, that she may not appear too rash, she hath put me to the expense of an additional footman; and, instead of staying at home, she carries all my blunderbusses abroad. Her coach, when she goes a visiting, looks like a general officer’s going to a campaign.
MR. WISDOM. But if it came to that extremity I would lock up my doors, and shut her in, on pretence of shutting rogues out.
MR. SOFTLY. But I cannot shut her companions out: I should have a regiment of women on my back for ill-using my wife, and have a sentence of cuckoldom pronounced against me at all the assemblies and visiting days in town. If I could prevail by stratagem; well: but I am too certain of the enemy’s strength to attempt the subduing her by force.
MR. WISDOM. Thank my stars, my wife is of another temper.
MR. SOFTLY. You will not take it ill, brother Wisdom: but your wife is not a woman of that spirit as mine is.
MR. WISDOM. NO. Heaven be praised; for of all evil spirits that of a woman is surely the worst.
MR. SOFTLY. Truly, it is a perfection that costs a man as much as it is worth.
MR. WISDOM. But what do you intend to do?
MR. SOFTLY. I know not. Something I must; for my house at present is like a garrison; I have continually guards mounting and dismounting, while I know no enemy but my wife, and she’s within.
SCENE VIII.
MR. SOFTLY, MR. WISDOM, MRS. WISDOM.
MRS. WISDOM. Here are the parchments, my dear.
MR. WISDOM. You know the necessity of my engagement, and will excuse me.
MR. SOFTLY. No ceremony with me, brother.
MR. WISDOM. If you will stay with my wife till my return, she will be much obliged to you: you may entertain one another at piequet; you are no high player any more than she.
MRS. WISDOM. I shall be too hard for him; for I fancy he is a player much about your pitch, and you know I always get the better of you.
MR. WISDOM. Well, well, to it, to it. I leave you together.
SCENE IX.
MR. SOFTLY, MRS. WISDOM.
MR. SOFTLY. I am but a bad player, madam; but to divert you —
MRS. WISDOM. (HOW shall I get rid of him?) — I am not much inclined to picquet at present, Mr. Softly.
MR. SOFTLY. Hum! very likely! any other game that you please — if I can play at it.
MRS. WISDOM. No, you can’t play at it — for to be plain, I am obliged to write a letter into the country. I hope you’ll excuse me.
MR. SOFTLY. Oh! dear sister! I will divert the time with one of these newspapers: ay, here’s the Grub Street Journal — An exceeding good paper this; and hath commonly a great deal of wit in it.
MRS. WISDOM. — But — I am the worst person in the world at writing: the least noise disturbs me.
MR. SOFTLY. I am as mute as a fish.
MRS. WISDOM. I know not how to express it, I am so ashamed of the humour — But I cannot write whilst any one is in the room.
MR. SOFTLY. Hum! very probable! there is no accounting for some humours — Well, you may trust me in the closet. This closet and I have been acquainted before now.
[Offers to go in.
MRS. WISDOM. By no means, I have a thing in that closet you must not see.
SCENE X.
MR. SOFTLY, MRS. WISDOM, COMMONS.
COMMONS. What, is not my uncle Wisdom returned yet?
MRS. WISDOM. I am surprised you should return, sir, unless you have learnt more civility than you showed at dinner to-day; your behaviour then seemed very unfit for one who intends to put on that sacred habit you are designed for.
COMMONS. You may be as scurrilous as you please, aunt: it hath been always my resolution to see my relations as seldom as I can; and when I do see them never to mind what they say. — I have been at your house too, Uncle Softly, and have met with just such another reception there: but come, you and I will go drink one honest bottle together — I have not cracked a bottle with you since I came to town.
MRS. WISDOM. For Heaven’s sake, dear brother, do any thing to get him hence.
MR. SOFTLY. Well, nephew, as far as a pint goes.
COMMONS. Ay, ay, a pint is the best introduction to a bottle. — Aunt, will you go with us?
MRS. WISDOM. Faugh! brute!
COMMONS. If you won’t, you may let it alone.
MR. SOFTLY. Sister, your humble servant.
MRS. WISDOM. I’ll take care to prevent all danger of a surprise [locks the door] — there. — Captain, captain, you may come out, the coast is clear.
SCENE XI.
MRS. WISDOM, RAKEL.
RAKEL. These husbands make the most confounded long visits.
MRS. WISDOM. Husbands! why I have had half a dozen visitants since he went away; I thought you had overheard us.
RAKEL. Not I, truly; I have been entertaining myself with the Whole Duty of Man, at the other end of the closet.
MRS. WISDOM. You are very unconcerned in danger, captain.
RAKEL. Yes, madam, danger is my profession; and these sort of dangers are so common to me, that they give me no surprise. I have declared war with the whole commonwealth of husbands ever since I arrived at years of discretion.
MRS. WISDOM. Rather with the wives, I’m afraid.
RAKEL. No, madam; I always consider the wife as the town, and the husband as the enemy in possession of it. I am not for burning nor razing where I go; but when I have driven the enemy out of his fortress, I march in, in the most gentle, peaceable manner imaginable. So, madam, if you please, we will walk into the closet together.
MRS. WISDOM. What, to read the Whole Duty of Man? Ha, ha, ha!
RAKEL. Ay, my angel! and you shall say I practise what I read. [Takes her in his arms, Mr. Wisdom knocks, she starts from him.
MR. WISDOM. [Without.] What, have you shut yourselves in?
RAKEL. Ourselves! oh! the devil, doth he know I am here?
MRS. WISDOM. No, no, no; to your hole, quick, quick, quick.
MR. WISDOM. Why, child, Mr. Softly, don’t you hear? what, have you played yourselves asleep?
MRS. WISDOM. Oh! my dear, arc you there?
SCENE XII.
MR. WISDOM, MRS. WISDOM.
MR. WISDOM. [Entering.] If we were not so nearly related, I should not like this locking up together. Heyday! Where is my brother Softly?
MRS. WISDOM. Alas! my dear, my ungracious nephew hath been here, and taken him away to the tavern.
MR. WISDOM. Why will you suffer that fellow to come within my doors, when you know it is against my will?
MRS. WISDOM. Alas, child, I don’t know how to shut your doors against your own relations.
MR. WISDOM. And what were you doing, hey? that you were locked in so close by yourself.
MRS. WISDOM. I was only saying a few prayers, my dear; but indeed these incendiaries run so in my head, I never think myself safe enough.
ME. WISDOM. Heaven bless the hour I first thought of putting them there. [Aside.
MRS. WISDOM. Well, child, this is very good in you to come home so soon.
MR. WISDOM. I only call on you in my way to the city; for I must speak to alderman Longhorns before I sleep. I am sorry you have lost brother Softly; he might have diverted you a little.
MRS. WISDOM. I can divert myself well enough in my closet for that matter.
MR. WISDOM. Ay, do so. Reading is an innocent and instructive diversion. I will be back with the utmost expedition. Is your closet locked, child? there are some papers in it which I must take with me. —
MRS. WISDOM. (What shall I do?) — Lud, my dear, I — I — have lost the key, I think.
MR. WISDOM. Then it must be broke open; for
they are of the utmost consequence — Nay, if you can’t tell me where you have laid it, I can’t stay, the lock must be broke open; I’ll call up one of the servants.
MRS. WISDOM. Nay, then, confidence assist me. Here, here it is, child — I have nothing but assurance to trust to; and I am resolved to exert the utmost. [Opens the door, Rakel runs against him, throws him down; he looks on Mrs. Wisdom, she points to the door, and he runs out. Mrs. Wisdom shrieks.
MR. WISDOM. Oh! I am murdered.
MRS. WISDOM. The incendiaries are come. My dream is out, my dream is out.
MR. WISDOM. My horns are out.
MRS. WISDOM. Oh! my dear, sure never any thing was so lucky as this stay of yours. Heaven knows what he would have done to me had I been alone.
MR. WISDOM. Ay, ay, my dear, I know what he would have done to you very well.
MRS. WISDOM. I hope you will be advised, and put the money where you are desired, before any thing worse happens.
MR. WISDOM. I shall put you out of doors before any thing worse happens.
MRS. WISDOM. My dear?
MR. WISDOM. My devil! Come, come, confess, it is done already; am I one or no?
MRS. WISDOM. Are you what, my love?
MR. WISDOM. Am I a beast? a monster? a husband?
MRS. WISDOM. Defend me — Sure the fright hath turned your brain. Are you a husband? yes, I hope so, or what am I?
MR. WISDOM. Ah! crocodile! I know very well what sort of robber was here. Nay, perhaps he was a robber, and you may have conspired together to rob me: I don’t doubt but you was concerned in writing the letter too. No one likelier to extort money from a man than his wife.
MRS. WISDOM. Oh! barbarous, cruel, inhuman aspersion.
MR. WISDOM. IS he a conjuror as well as a thief, and could he go through the key-hole? How came he into that closet? How came he into that closet, madam, without your knowledge? Answer me that. Did he go through the door?
MRS. WISDOM. I swear by —
MR. WISDOM. Hold, hold. I don’t question but you will swear through a thousand doors to get off.
Enter JOHN.
JOHN. Oh! sir, this moment, as I was walking in the yard, I spied a fellow offering to get in at my lady’s closet window.
MR. WISDOM. How;
JOHN. Dear sir, step but into the closet, you will find the window broke all to pieces.
MR. WISDOM. The villains! — John, take the candle and go in before me.
MRS. WISDOM. Miraculous fortune! Now will I stand it out that Rakel got in the same way. Sure it must have been the devil that hath broke these windows to encourage us to sin — by this delivery. — Oh! here comes my husband; it is my turn now to be angry, and his to ask pardon.
MR. WISDOM. John, do you watch carefully in the yard this night. I protest a man will shortly be safe no where.
MRS. WISDOM. Not when thieves get through keyholes.
MR. WISDOM. Come, I ask thy pardon; I am sorry I suspected thee; I will make thee amends, I will — I will stay at home this week with thee in spite of business: thou shalt tie me to thy girdle. Nay, do not take on thus, I will buy thy forgiveness. Here, here is a purse to put thy money in; and it shall not be long before I give thee some money to put in thy purse — you shall take the air every day in Hyde Park, and I’ll go with you for a guard: I vow you shall forgive me. I’ll kiss you till you do.
MRS. WISDOM. You know the way to mollify me.
MR. WISDOM. Why, I was but in jest: I never thought you had any hand in the letter.
MRS. WISDOM. Did you not indeed?
MR. WISDOM. No, indeed; may I be worse than robbed if I did.
MRS. WISDOM. Well, but don’t jest so any more.
MR. WISDOM. I promise you: — but I must not lose a moment before I go into the city —
MRS. WISDOM. And will you leave me again to-night?
MR. WISDOM. You must excuse necessity, my dear.
MRS. WISDOM. My dear, I shall always obey your commands without any farther reason.
MR. WISDOM. What a happy man am I in a wife! If all women were but such blessings to their husbands as thou art, what a Heaven would matrimony be.
ACT II.
SCENE I.
The Street.
Rakel, and afterwards Bisque.
RAKEL. Love and war I find still require the same talents; to be unconcerned in danger is absolutely necessary to both. I know not whether it was more lucky that I thought of this stratagem, or that I found Risque on the spot to execute it. I dare swear she will soon take the hint: nor do I see any other way she could possibly have come off. — So, rascal, what success?
RISQUE. I have broke the windows with a vengeance; I have made room enough for your honour to march in at the head of a company of grenadiers, and all this without the least noise. But I hope the lady did not use your honour very ill, that her windows must be broken.
RAKEL. No, Mr. Inquisitive, I have done it for the lady’s sake, to give her an opportunity of saying I broke in there; for when I was taken in the closet I was obliged to bring her off by pretending myself a robber.
RISQUE. But if he should take you at your word, and prosecute you, who would bring your honour off?
RAKEL. No matter: it were better fifty such as I were hanged than one woman should lose her reputation. But, as the closet was full of things of value, my touching none would sufficiently preserve me from any villainous imputation, should the worst happen.
RISQUE. I fancy, indeed, it would be no disgrace to be thought to have stolen all you have in your pocket.
RAKEL. What’s that you are muttering? Harkye, rascal, be sure not to go to bed: I shall not be at home till early in the morning — Now for my unkind mistress; I may have i better success there than I found with my kind one.
How bless’d is a soldier while licensed to range,
How pleasant this whore for that to exchange.
RISQUE. Go thy ways, young Satan; the old gentleman himself cannot be much worse. Let me consider a little. My master doth not come home till morning, the closet is, full of things of value, and I can very easily get into it. Agad, and I’ll have a trial. I am in no great danger of being caught in the fact; so if I bring off a good handsome booty — my master stands fair for being hanged for it. Hey — day! what the devil have we here?
SCENE II.
COMMONS, with WHORES and Music, RISQUE.
COMMONS. [Sings.] Tol, lol, de rol lol — Now am! Alexander the Great, and you my Statira and Roxana. You sons of whores, play me Alexander the Great’s march.
1 FIDDLER. We don’t know it, an’t please your worship.
COMMONS. Don’t you? Why then — play me the Black Joke.
2 WHORE. Play the White Joke; that’s my favourite.
COMMONS. Ay, Black or White, they are all alike to me.
[Music plays.
2 WHORE. We had better go to the tavern, my dear; the justices of the peace are so severe against us, we shall be taken up and sent to Bridewell.
COMMONS. The justices be hanged, they dare not attack a man of my quality. The moment they knew me to be a lord they would let us all go again.
1 WHORE. Nay my dear, I ask your pardon; I did not know you were a lord.
COMMONS. Yes, my dear, yes; my Lord Kilfob, that’s my title, of the kingdom of Ireland.
RISQUE. [Advancing.] My Lord Kilfob, I am glad to see your honour in town.
COMMONS. Ha! Ned Risque, give me thy hand, boy. Come, honest Risque, thou shalt go to the tavern with me and I’ll treat thee with a whore and a bottle of wine — But harkye. [Whispers.
1 WHORE. A lord, and so familiar with this fellow! This is some clerk or apprentice strutting about with his master’s sword on.
2 WHORE. I fancy, Sukey, this is a sharper, and no coming-down cull.
1 WHORE. Ay, damn him, he’ll make us pop our unders for the reckoning: we’ll not go with him.
COMMONS. If thou canst lend me half a crown, do; the devil take me if I do not pay thee again to-morrow.
/> RISQUE. That I would with all my heart, but I have not one souse, I assure you — I am on business for my master, and in a great hurry.
COMMONS. Get thee gone for a good-for-nothing dog as thou art. Come, sirrah, play on to the tavern.
2 WHORE. I don’t know what you mean, sir; we are no company for such as you.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 267
