MR. SOFTLY. What does the simple fellow mean?
MR. WISDOM. Perhaps we shall not want his evidence; here are some papers which were found in the other’s pocket. I have opened one of them only, which I find to contain the whole method of their conspiracy.
MR. SOFTLY. Mr. Sneaksby, read these papers.
SNEAKSBY. [Reads.] “To Ensign Rakel. Parole Plunder.”
MR. WISDOM. Plunder’s the word, agad!
SNEAKSBY. “For the guard to-morrow, Ensign Rakel, two serjeants, two corporals, one drum, and six and thirty men.”
MR. SOFTLY. Why, the rogues are incorporated, they are regimented — we shall shortly have a standing army of rogues as well as of soldiers.
MR. WISDOM. Six and thirty rogues about the town today: Mr. Softly, we must look to our houses, I expect to hear of several fires and murders before night.
MR. SOFTLY. Truly, brother Wisdom, I fear it will be necessary to keep the city train-bands continually under arms.
MR. WISDOM. They won’t do, sir, they won’t do. Six and thirty of these bloody fellows would beat them all. Sir, six and thirty of these rogues would require at least one hundred of the foot-guards to cope with them.
MR. SOFTLY. Mr. Sneaksby, read on, we shall make farther discoveries, I’ll engage.
SNEAKSBY. Here’s a woman’s hand, may it please your worship.
MR. SOFTLY. Read it, read it, there are women robbers as well as men.
SNEAKSBY. [Reads.] “Be here at the time you mention, my husband is luckily out of the way. I wish your happiness be, as you say, entirely in the power of “Elizabeth Wisdom.”
MR. WISDOM. What’s that? Who’s that?
SNEAKSBY. Elizabeth Wisdom.
MR. WISDOM. [Snatches the letter.] By all the plagues of hell, my wife’s own hand too.
MR. SOFTLY. I always thought she would be discovered, one time or other, to be no better than she should be. [Aside.
MR. WISDOM. I am confounded, amazed, speechless.
MR. SOFTLY. What’s the matter, brother Wisdom? Sure your wife doth not hold correspondence with these people; your wife! that durst not go abroad for fear of them; who is the only wife in town that her husband can keep at home!
MR. WISDOM. Blood and furies, I shall become the jest of the town.
SNEAKSBY. May it please your worship, here is one letter more, in a woman’s hand too.
MR. SOFTLY. The same woman’s hand, I warrant you.
SNEAKSBY. [Reads.] “Sir, your late behaviour hath determined me never to see you more: if you get entrance into this house for the future, it will not be by my consent; for I desire you would henceforth imagine there never was any acquaintance between you and “LUCRETIA SOFTLY.”
MR. WISDOM. Ha!
MR. SOFTLY. Lucretia Softly! — Give me the letter. Brother Wisdom, this is some counterfeit.
MR. WISDOM. It must be so. Sure it cannot come from Lucretia the second; she that is as chaste as the first Lucretia was — She correspond with such as these, who never goes out of doors but to the best company in town!
MR. SOFTLY. ‘Tis impossible!
MR. WISDOM. You may think so; but I. who understand women better, will not be so easily satisfied. I’ll go fetch my wife hither, and if she doth not acquit herself in the plainest manner, brother Softly, you shall commit her and her rogues together. Ha! what do I see? An apparition!
SCENE VIII.
To them, MRS. WISDOM, guarded.
MRS. WISDOM. Let the rest of my guards stay without. — My dear, your servant.
MR. WISDOM. This must be some delusion, this can’t be real.
MRS. WISDOM. I see you are surprised at my courage, my dear; but don’t think I have ventured hither alone, I have a whole regiment of guards with me.
MR. WISDOM. You have a whole regiment of devils with you, my dear.
MRS. WISDOM. Ha, ha, ha!
SCENE IX.
To them, Mrs. Softly.
MRS. SOFTLY. Joy of your coming abroad, sister Wisdom! I flew to meet you the moment my servant brought me the agreeable news you were here.
MRS. WISDOM. I am extremely obliged to yon, madam; but I wish this surprise may have no ill effect on poor Mr. Wisdom; he looks as if he had seen an apparition.
MRS. SOFTLY. Nay it will be a great surprise to all your acquaintance; you must have made an hundred visits before it will be believed.
MRS. WISDOM. Oh! my dear, I intend to make almost as many before I go home again.
MR. WISDOM. Plagues and furies!
MR. SOFTLY. I fancy, brother Wisdom, you begin to be as weary of the letter-project as myself.
MR. “WISDOM. Harkye, you crocodile — devil! come here, do you know this hand? [Softly shows Mrs. Softly her letter at the same time.
MRS. WISDOM. Ha! — [Starts.
MR. WISDOM. You counterfeited your fear bravely; you were much terrified with the thoughts of the enemy, while you kept a private correspondence with him.
SCENE THE LAST.
To them, Commons.
COMMONS. So, uncles, I see you take turns to keep the rendezvous. Uncle Wisdom, I hope you are not angry with me for what I said last night. When a man is drunk, you know, his reason is not sober; and when his reason is not sober, a man that acts according to his reason cannot act soberly. There’s logic for you, uncle; you see I have not forgotten all my university learning.
MR. WISDOM. I shall take another opportunity, sir, to talk with you.
COMMONS. Well, aunt Wisdom, I hope you will reconcile my uncle to me; I should have waited on you last night, according to your invitation, when my uncle was abroad, but I was engaged. I received your letter too, madam.
MRS. SOFTLY. My letter, brute!
COMMONS. Yes, madam; did you not send me a letter last night that you would never see my face again, desiring me to forget that I had ever any acquaintance with you: nay, I think you may be ashamed to own it; here’s a good-natured woman that tries to make up all differences between relations — Ha! what do I see! Captain Rakel!
RAKEL. You see a man who is justly punished by the shame he now suffereth for the injury he hath done you. Those two letters you mention, I took last night from your bureau, which you accidentally left open: and fired with the praises which you have so often and so justly bestowed on this lady, I took that opportunity, when she told me her husband would be absent, to convey myself through the window into the closet. What followed, I need not mention any more than what I designed.
COMMONS, Rob my bureau, sir!
RAKEL. Nay, dear Jack, forgive me; these ladies have the greatest reason to be offended, since the letters, being found in my pockets, had like to have caused some suspicions which would not have been to their advantage.
MRS. WISDOM. Excellent creature!
RAKEL. But, gentlemen, if you please to look at these letters, you will find they are not directed to me.
MRS. WISDOM. They have no direction at all.
MR. SOFTLY. I told you, brother, my wife could not be guilty.
MR. WISDOM. I am heartily glad to find mine is not — you see, madam, what your disobedience to my orders had like to have occasioned. — How often have I strictly commanded you never to write to that fellow?
MRS. WISDOM. His carelessness hath cured me for the future.
MR. WISDOM. And so, sir, you keep company with highwaymen, do you?
COMMONS. What do you mean, sir?
MR. WISDOM. Sir, you will know when your acquaintance is sent to Newgate. — Brother Softly. I desire you would order a mittimus for these fellows instantly.
COMMONS. A mittimus! for whom?
MR. WISDOM. For these honest gentlemen, your acquaintance, who broke into my house.
COMMONS. Do you know, sir, that this gentleman is an officer of the army?
MR. WISDOM. Sir, it is equal to me what he is. If he be an officer, he only proves that a rogue may be under a red coat, and very shortly you will prove that a rogue may be under a black one.
COMMONS. Why, sir
, you will make yourselves ridiculous, that will be all you will get by it. I’ll be the captain’s witness he had no ill design on your house.
MR. WISDOM. And I suppose, sir, you will be his witness that he did not write the letter threatening to murder my wife.
MRS. SOFTLY. That I will. If any one be convicted as an incendiary, I am afraid it will go hard with you two. — I overheard your fine plot. — Sister Wisdom, do you know this hand? — This is the threatening letter. [Showing a letter.
MRS. WISDOM. Sure it cannot be my husband’s?
MRS. SOFTLY. As surely as that which you received was written by mine.
MRS. WISDOM. Amazement! What can it mean?
MRS. SOFTLY. Only a new way to keep a wife at home; which, I dare swear, mine heartily repents of.
MR. SOFTLY. Ay, that I do indeed.
MRS. WISDOM. And is it possible that these terrible threatening letters can have come from our own dear husbands?
MRS. SOFTLY. From those very hands that should defend us against all our enemies.
MR. SOFTLY. Come, brother Wisdom, — I see we are fairly detected; we had as good plead guilty, and sue for mercy. I assure you, my dear, I shall think myself very happy if you will return to our old way of living, and go abroad just as you did before this happened.
MR. WISDOM. Truly I believe it would have been soon my interest to have made the same bargain.
MRS. SOFTLY. Lookye, my clear, as for the blunderbusses, I agree to leave them at home; but I am resolved not to part with the additional footman; he must remain as a sort of monument of my victory.
MR. SOFTLY. Well, brother Wisdom, what shall be done with the prisoner? This fellow’s oath will have no great weight in a court of justice.
MR. WISDOM. Do just what you will; I am so glad and sorry, pleased and displeased, that I am almost out of my senses.
RAKEL. I told yon how the prosecution would end. Upon my honour, sir, I have no design upon any thing that belongs to you but your wife.
MR. WISDOM. Your very humble servant, sir. I do believe you by the emptiness of your pockets: but this gentleman seemed to have some other design by the fulness of his.
MR. SOFTLY. With what conscience, sirrah, did you presume to take a false oath?
RISQUE. With the same, Mr. Justice, that you would have received it, when you knew it to be false. Lookee, gentlemen, you had best hold your tongues, or I shall become evidence for the king against you both. As for my master, he, I hope, will forgive me; for I only intended to get the reward, and then I would have sworn all back again. — Sir, if your honour doth not forgive me. I’ll confess that I brought you the letters from the ladies, and spoil all yet.
RAKEL. By your amendment, I know not what I may be brought to do — till I get you to the regiment.
COMMONS. Well, uncle Wisdom, you are not angry, are you?
MRS. WISDOM. Let me intercede, my dear.
MR. WISDOM. You are always interceding for him; I wish his own good behaviour would. I think, for the sake of religion, I will buy him what he desires, a commission in the army; and then the sooner he is knocked on the head the better.
RAKEL. Well, brother, if thou dost come among us, it may be some time or other in my power to make thee reparation. — But to you, madam, I never shall be able to give any satisfaction for my bold design against your virtue.
MRS. WISDOM. Unless by desisting for the future.
MRS. SOFTLY. Be assured if my sister forgives you the injury you intended her, I never will.
MR. SOFTLY. Come, come, my dear, you must be of a more forgiving temper; and since matters are like to be amicably adjusted, you shall entertain the company at breakfast, and we will laugh away the frolic.
RAKEL. Pray, ladies, let me give you this advice: If you ever should write a love-letter, never sign your name to it. — And, gentlemen, that you may prevent it — think not by any force or sinister stratagem to imprison your wives. The laws of England are too generous to permit the one, and the ladies are generally too cunning to be outwitted by the other. But let this be your maxim,
Those wives for pleasures very seldom roam,
Whose husbands bring substantial pleasures home.
THE GRUB STREET OPER A
Published in 1731, The Grub-Street Opera is an expanded version of the earlier play The Welsh Opera and was never put on for an audience, being Fielding’s only ‘closet drama’. As in The Welsh Opera, the author of the play is identified as Scriblerus Secundus, who also appears in the plot and speaks of his role in composing the plays. It is Fielding’s first truly political play and his first attempt at a ballad opera, continuing his previous attacks on the London theatre and inept writers. Fielding also used the virtue of female servants as a point of humour and to discuss morality. The play received positive reviews, highlighting the marked improvement from The Welsh Opera.
The plot concerns the Apshinken family and the pursuits in love of Owen and his butler, Robin. Owen pursues four women and Robin pursues only one. However, Robin is pursuing Sweetissa, whom Owen wishes to have for himself. To separate the two, Owen forges a letter which works until Robin’s virtue proves his own devotion to Sweetissa.
Fielding, 1743
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ
ACT I.
ACT II.
ACT III.
THE GRUB STREET OPERA
SING. NOM. Hic, hac, hoc.
GEN. Hujus.
DAT. Huic.
ACCUS. Hunc, hanc, hoc.
VOC. Caret.
Lilly’s Grammar, quod vide.
INTRODUCTION
SCRIBLEBUS SECUNDUS, PLAYER.
PLAYER. I very much approve the alteration of your title from the Welsh to the Grub Street Opera.
SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. I hope, sir, it will recommend me to that learned society: for they like nothing but what is most indisputably their own.
PLAYER. I assure you, it recommends you to me, and will, I hope, to the town.
SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. It would be impolitic in you, who are a young beginner, to oppose that society, which the established theatres so professedly favour: besides, you see the town are ever on its side: for I would not have you think, sir, all the members of that august body confined to the street they take their name from; no, no, the rules of Grub Street are as extensive as the rules of the King’s Bench. We have them of all orders and degrees; and it is no more a wonder to see our members in ribands, than to see them in rags.
PLAYER. May the whole society unite in your favour.
SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. Nay, sir, I think no man can set out with greater assurance of success. — It was the favour which the town hath already shown to the Welsh Opera, which gave birth to this, wherein I have kept only what they particularly approved in the former. You will find several additions to the first act, and the second and third, except in one scene, entirely new.
PLAYER. You have made additions, indeed, to the altercative or scolding scenes, as you are pleased to call them.
SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. Oh! sir! they cannot be heightened; too much altercation is the particular property of Grub Street: with what spirit do Robin and Will rap out the lie at one another for half a page together — You lie, and you lie — Ah! Ah! the whole wit of Grub Street consists in these two little words — you lie.
PLAYER. That is esteemed so unanswerable a repartee, that it is, among gentlemen, generally the last word that is spoken.
SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. Ay, sir, and it is the first and last among ours. I believe I am the first that hath attempted to introduce this sort of wit upon the stage; but it hath flourished among our political members a long while. Nay, in short, it is the only wit that flourishes among them.
PLAYER. And you may get as much by it as they do. — But, pray, sir, what is the plot or design of this Opera? For I could not well discover at the rehearsals.
SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. AS for plot, sir — I had written an admirable one; but having observed th
at the plots of our English Operas have had no good effect on our audiences — so I have e’en left it out — For the design, it is deep — very deep. This Opera was writ, sir, with a design to instruct the world in economy. — It is a sort of family
OPERA. The husband’s vade-mecum; and it is very necessary for all married men to have it in their houses. So if you please I will communicate a word or two of my design to the audience, while you prepare matters behind the scenes.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 270
