1 BUYER. No, no! she has no luck in lotteries: she had a whole ticket once, and got but fifty pounds by it.
MR. STOCKS. A very unfortunate person, truly. Sir, my clerk will furnish you, if you’ll walk that way up to the office. Ha, ha, ha! — There’s one 10,000 I got. What an abundance of imaginary rich men will one month reduce to their former poverty. [Knocking without.] Come in.
Enter 2 BUYER.
2 BUYER. Does not your worship let horses, sir?
MR. STOCKS. Ay, friend.
2 BUYER. I have got a little money by driving a hackney coach, and I intend to ride it out in the lottery.
MR. STOCKS. You are in the right; it is the way to drive your own coach.
1 BUYER. I don’t know, sir, that; — but I am willing to be in Fortune’s way, as the saying is.
MR. STOCKS. You are a wise man, and it is not impossible but you may be a rich one. ‘Tis not above — no matter how many to one, but that you are this night worth ten thousand pounds.
AIR II. Freemason’s tune.
Here are the best horses
That ever ran courses,
Here is the best pad for your wife, sir;
Who rides one a-day,
If luck’s in his way,
May ride in a coach all his life, sir.
The Sportsman esteems
The horse more than gems,
That leaps o’er a pitiful gate, sir;
But here is the hack,
If you sit but his back.
Will leap you into an estate, sir.
2 BUYER. How long a man may labour to get that at work, which he can get in a minute at play!
AIR III. Black Joke.
The soldier, in a hard campaign,
Gets less than the gamester by throwing a main,
Or dealing to bubbles, and all, all that:
The stoutest sailor, every one knows,
Gets less than the courtier, with cringing bows,
And sir, I’m your vassal, and all, all that:
And town-bred ladies too, they say,
Get less by virtue than by play:
And dowdy Joan
Had ne’er been known,
Nor coach had been her ladyship’s lot,
But for the black ace, and all, all that.
And belike you, sir, I would willingly ride upon the number of my coach.
MR. STOCKS. Mr. Trick, let that gentleman have the number of his coach — [Aside.] No matter whether we have it or no. As the gentleman is riding to a castle in the air, an airy horse is the properest to carry him. [Knocking hard without.] Heyday! this is some person of quality, by the impudence of the footman.
Enter LADY.
LADY. Your servant, Mr. Stocks.
MR. STOCKS. I am your ladyship’s most obedient servant.
LADY. I am come to buy some tickets, and hire some horses, Mr. Stocks. — I intend to have twenty tickets and ten horses every day.
MR. STOCKS. By which, if your ladyship has any luck, you may very easily get 30,000 for 40,000l.
LADY. Please to look at these jewels, sir — they cost my lord upwards of 6,000l. I intend to lay out what you will lend upon ‘em.
MR. STOCKS. If your ladyship pleases to walk up into the dining-room, I’ll wait on you in a moment.
Enter PORTER.
Well, friend, what’s your business?
PORTER. Here’s a letter for you, an’t please you.
MR. STOCKS. [Reading.]
“BROTHER STOCKS, — Here is a young lady, come to lodge at my house from the country, has desired me to find out some one who may instruct her how to dispose of 10,000l. to the best advantage. — I believe you will find her worth your acquaintance. She seems a mere novice, and I suppose has just received her fortune; which is all that’s needful from— “Your affectionate brother, “TIM. STOCKS.”
Very well. It requires no other answer than that I will come. [Knocking hard without. Heyday! more people of quality —— [Opens the door.
Enter JACK STOCKS.
Ha!
JACK STOCKS. Your servant, brother.
MR. STOCKS. Your servant, brother. — Why, I have not seen you this age.
JACK STOCKS. I have been a man of great business lately.
MR. STOCKS. I hope your business has turned to a good account. I hope you have cleared handsomely.
JACK STOCKS. Ay, it has turned to a very good account. — I have cleared my pockets, faith! —
MR. STOCKS. I am sorry for that —— — but I hope you will excuse me at present, dear brother. Here is a lady of quality stays for me; but as soon as this hurry of business is over, I should be very glad to — drink a dish with you at any coffee-house you will appoint.
JACK STOCKS. Oh! I shall not detain you long; and so, to cut the affair as short as possible, I desire you would lend me a brace of hundreds.
MR. STOCKS. Brother!
JACK STOCKS. A brace of hundreds! Two hundred pounds in your own language.
MR. STOCKS. Dear Jack, you know I would as soon lend you two hundred pounds as one; but I am at present so out of cash, that —
JACK STOCKS. Come, come, brother, no equivocation: two hundred pounds I must have, and will.
MR. STOCKS. Must have and will! — Ay, and shall have too, if you can get ‘em.
JACK STOCKS. ‘Sdeath, you fat rascal! “What title had you to come into the world before me?
MR. STOCKS. You need not mention that, brother; you know my riches, if I have any, are owing to my industry; as your poverty is to your laziness and extravagance — and I have raised myself by the multiplication-table, as you have undone yourself at the hazard-table.
JACK STOCKS. That is as much as to say, I have undone myself like a gentleman, and you have raised yourself like a pickpocket — Sirrah, you are a scandal to the family; you are the first tradesman that has been in it.
MR. STOCKS. Ay, and the first that has been worth a groat in it, and, though you don’t deserve it, I have thought of a method to put you in a way to make you the second. There, read that letter. [Jack Stocks reads it to himself.]
Well, sir, what say you to 10,000l. and a wife?
JACK STOCKS. Say, that I only want to know how to get them.
MR. STOCKS. Nothing so easy. — As she is certainly very silly, you may depend upon it she will be very fond of a laced coat and a lord. — Now, I will make over both those to you in an instant. My Lord Lace hath pawned his last suit of birth-night clothes to me; and as I intend to break before he can redeem ‘em — the clothes and the title are both at your service — So, if your lordship pleases to walk in, I will but just despatch my lady, and be with you.
JACK STOCKS. If I can but nick this time, ame’s-ace, I defy thee. [Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Enter LOVEMORE.
LOVEMORE. What a chase has this girl led me! However, I have tracked her all the way, till within a few miles of this town. If I start her again, let her look to’t. I am mistaken, or she began to find her passion growing too violent, before she attempted this flight, and when once a woman is fairly wounded, let her fly where she will, the arrow still sticks in her side.
AIR IV. Chloe is false, but still she is charming.
Women in vain love’s powerful torrent
With unequal strength oppose;
Reason, a while, may stem the strong current,
Love still at last her soul overflows.
Pleasures inviting,
Passions exciting,
Her lover charms her,
Of pride disarms her;
Down, down she goes.
Enter WHISK.
So Whisk, have you heard any news?
WHISK. News, sir! ay, I have heard news, and such as will surprise you.
LOVEMORE. What! no rival. I hope.
WHISK. You will have rivals enough now, I suppose. Why, your mistress has got into fine lodgings in Pall Mall. — I found her out by meeting that baggage her maid, in the street, who would scarce speak to me. I follow
ed her to the door; where, in a very few minutes, came out such a procession of milliners, mantua-makers, dancing-masters, fiddlers, and the devil knows what; as I once remember at the equipping a parliament man’s country lady to pay her first visit.
LOVEMORE. Ha! by all that’s infamous, she is in keeping already; some bawd has made prize of her as she alighted from the stage-coach. While she has been flying from my arms, she has fallen into the colonel’s.
AIR V.
How hapless is the virgin’s fate,
Whom all mankind’s pursuing;
For while she flies this treach’rous bait,
From that she meets her ruin.
So the poor hare, when out of breath,
From hound to man is prest,
Then she encounters certain death,
And ‘scapes the gentler beast. [Exeunt.
Enter CHLOE and JENNY.
CHLOE. Oh Jenny! mention not the country, I faint at the sound of it —— there is more pleasure in the rattling of one hackney coach than in all the music that romances tell us of in singing birds and falling waters.
AIR VI.
Farewell, ye hills and valleys;
Farewell, ye verdant shades;
I’ll make more pleasant sallies
To plays and masquerades.
With joy, for town I barter
Those banks where flowers grow;
(What are roses to a garter?
What lilies to a beau?
JENNY. Ay, madam — would the 10,000l prize were once come up.
CHLOE. Oh Jenny! be under no apprehension. It is not only from what the fortune-teller told me, but I saw it in a coffee-dish, and I have dreamt of it every night these three weeks. Indeed, I am so sure of it, that I think of nothing but how I shall lay it out.
JENNY. Oh, madam! there is nothing so easy in nature, in this town, as laying it out.
CHLOE. First of all, Jenny, I will buy one of the best houses in town, and furnish it. — Then I intend to set up my coach and six, and have six fine tall footmen. — Then I will buy me as many jewels as I can wear. — All sorts of fine clothes I’ll have too. — These I intend to purchase immediately: and then for the rest, I shall make a shift, you know, to spend it in housekeeping, cards, plays, and masquerades, and other diversions.
JENNY. It is possible you may. — She has laid out twenty thousand of her ten already.
CHLOE. Well, I shall be a happy creature. — I long to begin, methinks.
AIR VII. In Perseus and Andromeda.
Oh what pleasures will abound,
When I’ve got ten thousand pound!
Oh how courted I shall be!
Oh what lords will kneel to me!
Who’ll dispute my
Wit and beauty,
When my golden charms are found!
O what flattery,
In the lottery,
When I’ve got ten thousand pound!
An’t I strangely altered in one week, Jenny? Don’t I begin to look as if I was born and bred in London already? Eh! does not the nasty red colour go down out of my face? An’t I a good deal of pale quality in me?
JENNY. Oh, madam, you come on gloriously!
Enter SERVANT.
SERVANT. Madam! here’s one Mr. Spadille at the door!
CHLOE. Mr. Spadille! who is that?
JENNY. It is your ladyship’s quadrille-master, madam.
CHLOE. Bid him come another time. — I an’t in a humour to learn any thing more this morning. — I’ll take two lessons to-morrow though — for they tell me one is not qualified for any company till one can play at quadrille.
SERVANT. Mr. Stocks the broker too, madam, is below.
CHLOE. Oh! that’s the gentleman who is to dispose of my ten thousand pound for me — desire him to walk up. Is it not pretty now to have so many visitants? Is not this better than staying at home for whole weeks, and seeing none but the curate and his wife, or the squire?
JENNY. It may be better for you than seeing the squire; for, if I mistake not, had you stayed many weeks longer, he had been a dangerous visitant.
CHLOE. I am afraid so too — for I began to be in love with him, and when once a woman’s in love, Jenny —
JENNY. Lud have mercy upon her!
AIR VIII.
CHLOE. When love is lodged within the heart
Poor virtue to the outworks flies;
The tongue in thunder takes her part,
She darts in lightning from the eyes.
From lips and eyes with gifted grace
In vain we keep out charming sin;
For love will find some weaker place
To let the dear invader in.
Enter MR. STOCKS
MR. STOCKS. I had the honour of receiving your commands, madam.
CHLOE. Sir, your humble servant — Your name is Mr. Stocks, I suppose.
MR. STOCKS. So I am called in the Alley, madam; a name, though I say it, which would be as well received at the bottom of a piece of paper as any He’s in the kingdom. But if I mistake not, madam, you would be instructed how to dispose of 10,000l.
CHLOE. I would so, sir.
MR. STOCKS. Why, madam, you know, at present, public interest is very low, and private securities very difficult to get — and I am sorry to say it, I am afraid there are some in the Alley who are not the honestest men in the kingdom.
In short, there is one way to dispose of money with safety and advantage, and that is — to put it into the charitable corporation.
CHLOE. The charitable corporation! pray, what is that?
MR. STOCKS. That is, madam, a method, invented by some very wise men, by which the rich may be charitable to the poor, and be money in pocket by it.
Enter SERVANT.
SERVANT. Madam, here is one my Lord Lace desires to know if you are at home.
CHLOE. Lord Lace! Oh Gemini! who’s that?
MR. STOCKS. He is a man of the first quality, and one of the best estates in the kingdom: why, he’s as rich as a supercargo.
Enter JACK STOCKS, as Lord Lace.
JACK STOCKS. Bid the chair return again an hour hence, and give orders that the chariot be not used this evening. — Madam, I am your most obedient humble servant. Ha! egad, madam, I ask ten thousand pardons, I expected to have met another lady.
MR. STOCKS. I suppose your lordship means the Countess of —
JACK STOCKS. Ay, the Countess of Seven Dials.
MR. STOCKS. She left these lodgings this day se’nnight, my lord, which was the day this lady came into ‘em.
JACK STOCKS. I shall never forgive myself being guilty of so great an error; and unless the breath of my submission can blow up the redundancy of your good nature, till it raise the wind of compassion, I shall never be able to get into the harbour of quiet.
MR. STOCKS. Well said, faith — (the boy has got something by following plays, I see.) — [Aside.
CHLOE. IS this one of your proud lords? Why, he is ten times more humble than the parson of our parish.
JACK STOCKS. Ha! and are you then resolved not to pardon me! Oh! it is now too late; you may pronounce my pardon with your tongue, when you have executed me with your eyes.
AIR IX.
CHLOE. Alas! my lord, you’re too severe,
Upon so slight a thing;
And since I dare not speak for fear,
Oh give me leave to sing.
A rural maid you find in me,
That fate I’ve oft deplored;
Yet think not I can angry be
With such a noble lord.
JACK STOCKS. Oh! ravishing! exquisite! ecstasy! joy! transport! misery! flames! ice! How shall I thank this goodness that undoes me!
CHLOE. Undoes you, my lord!
JACK STOCKS. Oh, madam! there is a hidden poison in those eyes for which nature has no antidote.
JENNY. My lord has the same designs as the squire, I fear; he makes love too violent for it to be honourable. [Aside.
CHLOE. Alas, my lord! I am young and ig
norant — though you shall find I have sense enough to make a good market. [Aside.
JACK STOCKS. Oh madam! you wrong your own charms. — Mr. Stocks, do you send to this lady the diamond ring you have of mine to set — shall I beg you would honour it with wearing! It is a trifle, not worth above 3,000l. — You shall have it again the day after we are married, upon honour. [Aside to Mr. Stocks.
MR. STOCKS. It shall be sent to your lordship’s order in three days’ time — (which will be after you are married, if you are married at all.) — [Aside to him.
CHLOE. Indeed, my lord, I know not what to say.
JACK STOCKS. Nor I neither, rat me! [Aside.] Say but you will be mine.
CHLOE. You are too hasty, sir. Do you think I can give my consent at first sight? —
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 277
