by Rachel Kane
He batted me with his hand. “No you haven’t, I’ve been very good. I haven’t tried to take matters into my own hands.”
“I wish you’d take one matter into your hands.”
He laughed at that, and sure enough, his fingers came up to stroke my hidden cock. I gasped and stretched under his touch, feeling myself get harder.
“When I fantasize,” he said, “it’s always with me on top. In absolute control. But with you… Alex, I’m scared, and I can’t stop being scared.”
I grabbed him, rolled him, until he was lying on top of me. I held the small of his back, so that our cocks were pressed tightly against one another. “There,” I said, “you’re on top.”
“But I don’t—”
Then I kissed him. I couldn’t kiss the fear away, I knew that. I couldn’t erase all the history that made us both so fearful of giving up any control…especially control here, where it mattered the most.
But I could lower my own defenses. Release my own desperate need to control everything that happened to me.
At some point he began kissing me back. Maybe he realized that I was giving him total control here. Maybe he understood that I wanted…what? Freedom? Escape?
Now he sat up, ass against my thighs, looking down at me. A look of wonder in his eyes, of anticipation and hunger.
“I want to tie you up,” he said.
I had half a vision then. An unwelcome memory. That twink I’d found in my bed, he’d been tied up. I’d left that part out of the story. The way I’d had to untie him so that he could leave, so that I could sort out my feelings about the way I’d been controlled, the way my will had been stripped away from me and had been left with no ego, no ability to control my own fate, no—
Cam lay a calming hand over my chest. “It’s okay,” he said.
I hadn’t realized how fast I was breathing.
“I…” My voice trailed off.
“No, really. It’s okay. It’s silly, I know. It’s not like I feel unsafe with you. I do feel safe. I feel protected. But something…there’s something different when we’re here together. Naked. Almost naked. And it makes me afraid, and I wonder if I’d be less afraid if you were tied up. Subdued. Powerless.”
No, no, no, no. Yes. No.
“I can tell you’re uncomfortable,” he said, grinding slowly against my cock. “I can tell you don’t like the idea at all. You like being in control, same as me. Same reasons, too, right?”
I couldn’t speak. My cock was being dry-fucked, and the sensation was making it hard to talk, no matter how many thoughts and instincts were playing out in my head right now.
“But here’s the thing,” he said. “There’s trust, and then there’s trust. What you say next will help me know what level we’re at.”
I would’ve said almost anything to keep this going. Because it had been so long since anyone had paid this attention to me, so long since I’d felt so desired, and felt such desire in return.
Yet I was afraid.
Tied down, unable to defend myself, at the mercy of someone else—
I swallowed. My throat was dry. My heart kept pounding, and Cam kept grinding, and I worried that I was going to come just from that, worried the feeling of his ass rubbing against my cock was going to be all it took.
“Do it,” I whispered.
“Are you sure?”
“Fuck no, I’m not sure. I’m scared as shit. Do it. Do it before I have time to change my mind.”
He set to work. He wove my sheets through the headboard, encircled my wrists.
“I learned this knot when I was researching a book,” he said, looping the corner of the sheet through the circle he’d made on my wrist. “The harder you pull, the tighter it gets. So be careful. Give me three sounds—anything, grunts, shrieks, anything—to let me know we have to stop. And breathe. Trust me, if you breathe, this will be okay.”
I hadn’t even realized I was holding my breath, until I let it out. Hadn’t realized how tense this made me, watching him lock me down, wrists tied to the headboard. I struggled, just to see how it felt, and was greeted by a tightening against my skin, a sudden sense I could not escape.
“I told you,” he said. He removed my pillowcase, began to use it as a gag. My eyes widened at that. “But listen. You still have control. Tell me to untie you.”
As he tightened the silencing cloth, I shook my head.
I didn’t want him to untie me. I didn’t want… Oh god, my head was so confused. I struggled again, feeling the bounds tighten. I began to panic, began to pull harder…
“Breathe,” he whispered in my ear. “Just breathe.”
I inhaled, and it was shaky, but it was air.
He ran his hands down my flanks. I could do nothing. I couldn’t reach down and touch him back. And maybe that was the point. Touching, without being touched, it’s a strong form of control.
I wanted to reach out to him so badly. But at least I could breathe. At least I didn’t feel so trapped.
In some ways, being tied like this felt…right.
Not in the sense of, I’m a bad person and this is what I deserve, but more, the only way to do this is to trust another person, to open my heart to the possibility of trust. Not greeting-card trust, not the trust-falls of some corporate employee training, but real, primal, brutal trust. My life is in your hands.
And it was. My entire body was in his hands. With me tied, Cam felt free to explore me, every inch. The little mole I have next to my right nipple. The gray hairs that have begun to appear on my chest. The scar on my flank.
His eyes traveled over me as though he were memorizing me, committing me to his mind forever.
But he had more than that planned for me. Because here I was, lying bound beneath him, and the only thing that kept me from being wholly naked and helpless was the fact I was wearing briefs.
Now he began to pull those down. It was a slow process, and my cock strained against the fabric, until finally free, it rose, a thick arc curving back towards me.
I wanted him to say something. Anything. This was me at my most vulnerable, and I needed some kind of assurance. This surprised me. I’d never thought about this before, how important it was to have a lover say something to you, to voice their acceptance and love of your body.
Did he see the pleading in my eyes? Did he understand what I needed right now?
“I’ve never been with anyone like you,” he said. His hand encircled my shaft. “I don’t mean your cock. Well, yes, your cock too, it’s part of the package. And your body. I look down at you and think about you just breaking the bed to get free of your bonds, all that strength, all that anger, and it makes me want to come, right here, right now. But I mean more than all that.”
His fingers softly stroked my hard cock.
“I don’t understand you,” he said. “I feel like I do, and then you surprise me. I never thought you would let me do this to you. I could be anybody. I could be the sociopath you accused me of being, back in the office.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t speak, of course, but if I could have, I would’ve said:
You’re wrong. You couldn’t be just anyone. I know you. You surprise me too, but the surprises make sense. I would never let anyone do this, who I didn’t understand.
When his lips touched me, I closed my eyes and lay my head back on my uncovered pillow.
His tongue traced the head of my cock, and I shivered. He knew me. He knew that what I would want to do right now is to guide him, to put my hands on the back of his head, ease him down further onto my cock.
By instinct I tried to bring my hands down, and the bonds around my wrists tightened.
Except this time I didn’t panic. I felt something different, a frustration, but a pleasurable frustration. Like the way your mouth waters when you see a treat that you can’t have just yet. Something just out of reach.
I wanted him to suck me, wanted my whole cock in his mouth, down his throat. Wanted to fuck his mouth, feel his tongu
e against me.
Instead he was having his way with me, with an agonizing slowness. He wasn’t sucking me. He was toying, and it was driving me crazy. His tongue was so light, as he traced down the underside of my cock, all the way down to where it met my sack.
Something else he knew about me: I like to give orders. I like to tell people what to do.
I couldn’t do that, with my mouth covered. I bit against the cloth. Suck me! Come on, I can’t stand it, please suck me down, I need to feel it! But nothing came out except quiet murmurs against the pillowcase.
“Oh, you like that?” he asked. “Maybe I’ll stop.”
Nnnnngh! I said.
“That’s one sound,” he said. “If you make three, I’ll untie you, I’ll know you want this to stop.”
I shook my head. No, wrong message, keep going. More. More.
I was totally at his mercy and I loved it. Who am I kidding? I had never done this before. Never in a million years would I have thought about myself, I should really get tied up so that a gorgeous guy can sit there and NOT give me a blowjob.
Yet this was exactly what was happening, and I was about to climax from it. My balls were already so tight.
That’s when he got off the bed.
For one frightening second, I pictured him leaving me here. Just walking out of the room, putting his clothes back on.
I don’t know why that made me even harder. I didn’t even know getting harder was an option at this point. I was about to explode. Would he really leave me here, exposed and open, out of control?
Instead he started rifling through my nightstand. “Surely you have condoms. Strapping brute such as yourself.”
He pulled out a pad of paper. A box of kleenex. A tube of lubricant, and…
“Oh-ho-ho, Mr. Man, what have we here?”
I blushed mightily as he drew a vibrator from the drawer.
“Is this yours? Is this what you do in those lonely moments at night?”
I could not have been more embarrassed. If I’d felt exposed before, now I felt far, far more so.
And then he clicked the damn thing on. There was no sound in the room except the buzzing.
Then he gave me an evil look.
Uh-oh.
“See, I can’t help but notice you don’t have any condoms around,” he said to me. “Which is inconvenient, because I really, really want to fuck you. But in another way, I like it, because it means you haven’t had anyone else over. It means you’re mine. To do with what I want.”
He nudged my legs apart with his knee, and climbed back onto the bed, lube in one hand, dildo in the other. “Now, I don’t know how you usually like to do this, so I’m just going to wing it, is that okay?”
Oh, he was enjoying this. He was so hard right now. I could see his precum soaking into his boxers.
First, he pressed the vibrator against my balls, and I squirmed beneath him, gasping through the cloth, the intensity of it was so strong. It was almost too much, almost sending me over, I couldn’t—
He removed it, smiling down at me, stroking my leg. “I love watching you react. You’re not used to being out of control one little bit, are you?”
I shook my head.
He used his thumb to flip open the lube, then turned it upside down, squeezing the tube as a thick layer of gel poured down onto the vibrator. “That enough? More? Less? I guess it all depends on how tight you are down there. Oh…one more thing.”
He set the gooey vibrator on my thigh and reached up. “I don’t want you to see this,” he said, and he put the pillow over my eyes.
I almost gave him the three screams right there to stop him.
Everything was dark.
I didn’t like it. I didn’t, I wanted to be free, and I struggled to get my hands unbound, and tried to shake the pillow off my brow, but the way he had me tied—
Breathe. Just breathe.
I did. I slowed myself down, and I focused on a breath. One in, one out.
One in, one out.
I could breathe. More than that…I could feel. There was so much going on around my body. Without sight, without the ability to touch anything with my hands, or issue orders, bark commands, anything, all I could do was receive.
And if I opened my senses, there was so much to receive.
I felt the coldness of the lube as it made a slow, slow river down my thigh.
I felt the bed shift, as Cam turned his attention back to my cock.
The warmth of his hands on me. Then the coolness of his fingertips…his wet fingertips, lubricated. Toying with me. Rubbing a fingertip against the head of my cock, making me shiver.
Feeling him push my thighs further apart.
He touched my ass.
His fingertips played with it, rubbed it, and my cock bounced in response, my whole body trembled.
Here was the vibrator. I had never noticed before that it was both soft and hard. Never noticed the way the two sensations combined, the silicone pressing against me, but the harder core keeping firm.
He lifted my sack, brought my balls out of the way, and pressed the vibrator into me.
A moment’s resistance, a moment’s fear, but I released all the fear. I let it escape my body.
Do what you want with me. You have control.
He must have sensed it, when I fully accepted what he was doing to me. There must have been some signal. Maybe just the way my muscles relaxed. The way my body accepted the toy being pushed further into me. Maybe my shoulders slumped instead of tightened. I don’t know. But he understood, and his touch became more gentle now, stroking my balls as they tightened again, slowly slipping the vibrator deeper inside me.
Fuck me. Please just fuck me.
His hand was around my cock, and he began to jack me off, slowly, so slowly, in time with the vibrator inside me. As he would pull it almost all the way out of me, his hand would slide down to the base of my cock, and then he would push the toy back in, as his hand rose towards my cock head.
With no sight, with the sound muffled, all I could do was feel it. And I could feel everything. A realization that my entire life had been spent avoiding feeling sex. The rush to climax, ignoring everything else. That rush was absent here. Yes, my need was great, and I wanted nothing so much as to come and come and come. But control has a way of blinding you to what is going on around you.
For instance, I could feel Cam’s fear in his hands.
A sensation I would not have been able to put into words, and that I would never have picked up on, if my eyes had been opened.
He was scared. He had me tied down, he had control…and yet he was totally focused on pleasuring me. He wasn’t taking anything for himself. I wanted to give myself to him, to give him pleasure. But he had to take it. He had to be willing to be selfish and take what was offered.
It was amazing how clearly these thoughts came, how desire was so articulate.
My legs, of course, were untied. I felt like I knew exactly where he was, how our bodies were positioned. Felt like I knew it all as well as if I could see it.
I swung my leg around until I found his waist. Even with the pillow over me I could hear his oof, as I wrapped my legs around him, used my ankles to pull him closer. Ground against him as well as I could, with no hands, and no certainty I had angled him correctly.
Oh, but I had. I could tell from his voice that I had. “Alex…I thought…”
Fuck me. You know you want to, you know I want it…I like this toy but I need you, I need you inside me right now, please. PLEASE Cam.
“We don’t have any—”
I don’t care. I muttered against my gag, I couldn’t talk, couldn’t convince him with words or with touches that I needed this right now.
He understood. Of course he did. He wanted it too. Yet even though he had control, he didn’t feel like he had permission.
We were such strange people. I groaned through my gag and pressed him harder against me.
“Okay,” he whispered, and pulled t
he vibrator from me, leaving my nerve-endings strumming. “Okay,” he whispered, and nudged my legs further apart.
When he entered me, it was like a radio in my head had suddenly switched off, leaving blissful silence.
There was nothing in the world but this moment. I squeezed myself around him, listened to him gasp. He felt so much better than any toy ever could. His hands were on my hips, and I felt him begin to thrust.
He was in control and out of control at the same time. His need for me was so obvious.
He needs me. He wants me.
I was so hard for him, so hard at what he was doing to me. Feeling how his breath came so quickly, so hard with every thrust.
His body came down, and we were skin to skin as he fucked me. I could feel his sweat dripping from his chest to mine, as though each drop communicated a secret, something only for ourselves, something so secret it could only be told this way, drop by salty drop.
I was out of my fucking mind. I bit the pillowcase. I whimpered. I fucked him back.
Come in me come in me come in me.
I could feel him stiffen, his entire body, as it readied itself for his climax, and then I slipped a gear, something happened in my consciousness, and I just…let…go.
Almost as though I could see myself, as though I lingering around the ceiling, looking down at us, seeing the speed of his strokes as he grew closer and closer, then the final thrust as his body lost all ability to hold back, as he unleashed his orgasm inside me.
My cock trapped between us, I began to come too, pouring out my seed onto my belly, onto his, lost forever in this sensation, this out-of-body feeling, as his hips kept up small, instinctive thrusts, our orgasms playing out together, our bodies clenched in their meeting, our breaths coming in gasps.
My soul sank into my body like you might sink into a hot bath. My awareness of time gradually slipped into my consciousness, where it had been missing these past minutes, or millennia, it was hard to tell which.
He was lying against me. He had pushed the pillow away, so he could lay his cheek against my forehead. His heavy breathing the only sound I could hear.
He looked down at me, and I looked up at him, and we shared a moment, a wordless connection.
