My chest shakes as loud sobs wrack my frame. Logan tries to calm me down, but something dark starts to build up inside of me, pushing against me. Leon begins to wail, affected by my distress.
“Hey, look at me. We are going to see you very soon. I’ll call and send you pictures, videos, even letters.” But the storm is swirling and gaining too much momentum.
“Cassandra, you need to breathe with me. Take a long and deep inhale, and then exhale. You are all right. The children are safe. You’re at home. Breathe, please.” His voice gets closer and I see his face. Someone brings my children into view as their little chubby hands try to touch my face. I let out relieved sob, finally allowing myself to take a big lungful.
“Settle down, we won’t be leaving yet.” He wraps me tightly in his embrace.
“I don’t think that prolonging this is good for Cassandra.” I barely register Darren’s voice as the numbness spread into my limbs.
“Yeah, brother, let’s rip this Band-Aid off fast and quick. We will help her.” Logan’s chest vibrates, leading me to believe he agrees with Lucas.
He turns to me to say goodbye. “Remember why we are doing this. Keep working, and in three months, you won’t be able to get rid of us.”
He looks straight into my eyes as his palms envelop my face, and he kisses me goodbye. Finally, he presses our foreheads together and quietly whispers, “I love you.”
The air tingles on my swollen lips that refuse to tie him to me with those three words he craves to hear. Instead, I promise to the universe, if I regain my peace, I will give him everything he wants.
“Goodbye,” I whisper back. Slowly walking over to the twins, I bless them, kissing their foreheads, cheeks, lips, and pleading hands. “I love you and I’ll see you soon,” hoping that it will come true.
They leave, and I turn around, fighting emotions. I’m confused to see Leif and Lucas still sitting in front of me. “You’re not leaving?”
“Nope.” Leif gives me a gentle smile and pats the seat, inviting me to sit next to him.
Mystified, I look at my sisters for help, but I find myself silently crying, and I look away. Needing to stop the waterfalls, I sit next to a teasing Leif, who puts his hand on my shoulder. I draw my legs to my chest. Lucas leads both of my emotional sisters to the sofa to sit next to Leif.
“I’ll make us chamomile tea.” He turns around and walks to the kitchen.
“Make us catnip tea, or if you find Valerian root tea, chamomiles won’t work!” Aisha shouts to him. Apparently, my sisters got the stash sent over from our birth country. Raine decides to go help him find it.
“Let’s watch something, sisters. What do you think about Lucifer or Sweet Little Lies?”
With Leif, you never know when he will let his innuendoes fly, so I look at him, trying to catch the drift of his implications but finding none. Strange. He smooths my eyebrows with his fingers and then playfully bops my nose.
“Stop creasing your forehead, you look like my grandma. You should see your expression, like you think I’m a bad guy.” He tsks as he grabs the remote and pulls up Scandal.
“Sometimes your sweet side doesn’t show up, so forgive me that I expect the other one.”
He kisses my temple, and we begin to watch the show. Raine brings me tea and banana bread that she baked while Logan and me were at the lake. Eventually, my nerves calm as I receive the notification of an incoming text. Logan lets me know they’ve made it ok and have started unloading the boxes.
“Am I the only one feeling the sedative effects of the tea?”
Lucas replies, “Nope, we’re all drinking it,” and they laugh with me as we sit silently, continuing to watch TV.
“When are you leaving?” I ask, curious to know when they are going back to the U.S.
“Who said that we are?” Leif raises his eyebrow, daring me to throw them out.
“Relax buddy, I don’t mind you staying here.”
“Lucas, don’t you have to go back to the Marines?” We all look at him, waiting for his answer.
“No, I’m on leave.” With no further comments, he closes the conversation.
“Well, thank you for elaborating,” I mumble to myself, but Leif hears me and he chuckles.
“He is a talkative one. By the way, Cassandra,” Leif adds, “we’re going to be your buddies and help you to get yourself in shape.”
“And how are you going to achieve that?” I ask, suspicious of their methods.
“Just wait and see. Tomorrow, we’ll start with the military routine. Get good rest, and we will pound the pavement like soldiers.” I look at Lucas with interest because I know he understands PTSD better than anyone here. As if he knows what I am asking, he gives me a curt nod and returns to watching Olivia Pope.
Those boys have become a part of this family, and their energy fits in perfectly. My sisters get to joke, tease, and fight with them, just for the kicks of it. Logan’s brothers don’t mind my overbearing sisters as they try to boss them around. The two of them actually enjoy the challenge of tormenting them in return. It’s a shame the only thing not working like a well-oiled machine is me.
“Stop thinking,” Aisha’s stern voice interrupts my inner dialog.
“Don’t be pushy. I have a free country in there and no crime squad dictating me.”
She giggles at that as Leif adds, “Fraud squad arrived and ready to report. Sister dear, you will have to admit your problems.”
I know they are right.
Chapter 11
Learning curve
~Cassandra~
Two and half months later
November brought wintry weather chills. In the morning, frosted cars are decorated with beautiful designs. Some of the puddles have an icy layer, and the trees lost their delicate leaves and stand like scary skeletons, waving to us.
In these last few months, I have done a lot of work learning to cope with PTSD. One of the distracting techniques is cooking and feeding the twins. Not my girl and boy, but Logan’s brothers. Perhaps my motherly instincts demanded to be utilized in this manner.
“Cassandra, the guilt isn’t logical. You are not to be blamed for what happened.” I recall how Laisa pinpoints unhelpful thoughts or misrepresentations I have about the accident.
Exhaling cold air as I jog, I take time to reflect on my past. My muscles feel warm and my breathing controlled as I sprint the usual route, trying to let memories of my deceased boys come.
“Mummy, Mummy, that is for you!” Excited dark blue eyes watch me, waiting for my reaction as Nate gives me the first artwork he made at school.
That memory fades into a new one. A charming Nate’s performance, he’s making faces, trying to please us. In the next one, I hear cute giggles as we hide in a tent made out of blankets from Daddy, who is coming home from work.
Lost in the memories, I don’t even notice when I reach the lake. I continue to walk, watching the trees in the water’s reflection as I try to calm my breathing. In therapy, I work to desensitize my reactions, so my fear becomes less intense.
Sometimes I wake up, and I am Sandra. Nate’s voice echoes as he talks with his little brother. I walk to the children’s room to find two empty cots. My yearning heart plummets, but at least now, I let myself mourn them.
I close my eyes, so to not let those memories drown me. Then, I open myself to the happy ones, anchoring me back. Logan's strong roaming hands and body melting into mine. I memorize the passionate kisses, strokes, and whispered words before I fall asleep.
We used to text and email every day, but lately, I feel the distance. Will my twins be able to recognize my scent, my voice, my face? It tortures me every time I think about how quickly they grow.
An inner voice whispers, “You are an awful mother.”
No matter how many psychotherapy sessions or CBTs I go to, I’m still battling with my own perceptions. I struggle every day. All the hate, shame, and disgust I feel is hindering my progress.
Laisa reminds me, “You
are not at fault. Work to establish better skills coping with the trauma.”
Leif hasn’t left me since day one, but Lucas had to go back for work. They’ve helped to establish a routine and exercise regimen. Lucas—or, in his absence, Leif—is getting my sorry ass out of bed every morning at five. At first, I wanted to kill them for bestowing military shit upon me. Since I gave birth to the twins, I hadn’t yet gotten into an exercise routine, so you can imagine how that went, right?
I was sick by the end of my half-kilometer run, and then Lucas told me I needed to kickbox too. I thought this was my chance to get back at him, but I was wrong. I ended up on my ass too many times. The muscles ached in places a woman should never feel.
After two weeks, though, I was running two kilometers like a champ, but I still suck at self-defense, since I had no idea what I was doing wrong in the first place.
“Could you at least show me how to hold my hands, or balance? That’s not training but abuse. Give me some tips, Sergeant, ok?” Lucas, back from his assignment, gives me a mystified smile and then orders me to do burpees.
“What would you do if I say fuck you?” I give him the middle finger, then begin marching back home, furious. A moment later, I feel someone lift me in the air like a sack of potatoes, and bring me back to the lake to practice again.
Where does his patience and stubbornness come from? Of course, this time, he shows me how to stand and kick correctly, and then orders me to begin the sequence of moves all over again.
A little while later, I crawl to the lake to cool down my heated skin after training, as Lucas heads back to change, to go see his dad.
“You are not going to kill yourself, right? Because I don’t want to become your hero today, I have a hot date. Choose another time, and I’m game for some sexy wet times, baby.”
I crane my neck to see the same face of another evil twin. I also give him the middle finger, flinching when my muscles protest in pain.
“What do you want?” I sit by the water as I wait for my heart to regain a regular heartbeat. “Tips on how to please your woman or some advice on how to make her cook you dinner?”
After splashing my face with lake water, I stand and start to fall as the slimy sand under the water makes me lose my balance. Seconds later, Leif catches me and helps me regain my footing. As I start to cackle at him, we both slip and tumble into the lake, and he falls on top of me. A loud surprised gasp leaves his mouth, reacting to the cold water.
Snickering at his expression and his wet, dirty clothes and shoes, I laugh so hard I nearly pee myself.
“That is not funny, Night!” But he can’t keep a straight face as he notices my own muddy state, my white teeth the only bright part of my appearance. We both guffaw, pointing at each other, as he pulls out his phone.
How his phone survived the mud and water is beyond my knowledge. I grab it from him, and we both take a few cute photos, muddy and wet.
Later, Lucas comes to find us unable to get out of our slippery slope. We look at each other and try to pull him to us, but in vain, as Lucas just releases the stick, letting us realize that game time’s over. What a buzzkill!
Finally, we make it out of the lake, both dirty and cold, and run into the house, dripping mud all over the floors.
“You’ll be late for your date,” I remind Leif after we change into dry clothes and scrub the mud off our bodies. Nonchalantly, he shrugs and remains sitting under the cozy blankets with me on the couch, with cups of hot beverages.
“It’s just my buddy, he won’t mind. It is too early for the date, kitten.” He wiggles his eyebrows and I curl my lip, disgusted.
When Leif goes to change to meet his friend, I start cleaning. Since I do the washing, I put some flowery-scented liquid laundry detergent and snicker amused at my cunning idea.
“I’ll be back for dinner!” he hollers, and I hear the door bang shut as he leaves.
Lucas is trained as a soldier. I’ve never found his bed unmade or clothes scattered around. But Leif’s room always looks like Armageddon exploded in the middle of it. Usually, I’m the one to clean his room, and tidy his stuff, since I have some obsessive nerve with order.
Waiting to see Leif’s reaction when he discovers his scented wardrobe, I go to the kitchen and start to cook for us. I always look for new recipes because I like to try fresh foods on my experimental bunnies.
I gasp. Little Batman’s standing near the island, his hands on his waist, looking irritated. “It took you so long to see me, Mummy! Look, I am a Batman! I saved your cookies from the cookie monsters!” His cute lips are pursed in exasperation, and the eyes hidden underneath the mask look at me accusingly.
Choking, I open my mouth to plead for him to stay. My peanut looks like a small man, ready to save the world. Standing in front of me, he unhappily taps his foot on the floor. I don’t dare to make a sound, just so he would stay a moment longer. My heart squeezes as I realize how much I missed Ethan’s voice. All of a sudden, he ducks and disappears from the kitchen, leaving me frozen in place.
“Are you ok, Cassandra?” Lucas comes closer to me as I slowly lower my cooking gear onto the island and step back.
“Who did you see?” He waits for me to open up as my tears run down my cheeks. I look at him, hesitating. “You don’t need to be afraid to talk about it.” He pats my shoulder reassuringly and takes over mixing the ingredients.
“Ethan. He was here in his Batman suit.” Lucas nods as he listens. “He wanted me to know that he saved treats from the cookie monster. I remember that outfit, we bought it for him just a few weeks before the accident. He was constantly practicing his hero act.”
“Nothing is wrong with missing them, Cassandra. You should never doubt that seeing them is something you should hide from us.” I nod, but my eyes still fill with unshed tears, Lucas comes to hug me.
“Why are you so early for dinner today? I thought you would be working with your dad and Logan at the bank all day.” I try to sidetrack us from the gloomy moods.
“Logan handles all the business much better than me. They don’t really need me.” He shrugs and goes to wash his hands.
“Tell me about the Marines.” I return to the cooking as Lucas stirs the soup ingredients I have on the stove.
“What do you want to know?”
I shrug my shoulder, as I know nothing about it, except what they show in the movies. “Why did you choose the Marines?”
“I feel an enormous sense of fulfillment serving and protecting the country. There, I belong to the cause, safeguarding. Here, I am a spoiled, privileged billionaire, with no place or function.”
“Do you think Logan lives with no purpose?” I stop to look at him curiously, wanting to pick his mind. He gives me an easy grin as he knows I am fishing for an argument.
“He was the best choice to inherit the business and lead the company to the modernization and success. Neither Leif nor I have had the appropriate outlook to become leaders of the financial enterprise. I always looked for the purpose greater than me. Leif looked for the sovereignty and a lifestyle with a lack of restrictions. Logan followed in Dad’s footsteps.”
“Were you close when you were young?”
“No. We always fought at school, as our outlooks clashed, even back then. Made our parents nuts with worry that we were going to end up ruining our lives. After graduation, I realized that I had to join people with the same beliefs.” I guess Lucas succeeded in finding the cause.
“Do you miss them?” I stop cleaning the counters, patiently waiting, as he appears to be lost in his head for the moment.
“I do. But I wonder if I ever will be as close to them as I am with my Marine brothers.”
His honest answer makes my eyes water as I realize that he still yearns for that family connection. Placing my hand on his shoulder, I wait for him to turn his head to look at me.
“You are at home, Lucas, even if it’s a tumultuous one.” I kiss his cheek and go to open the door, as the doorbell rings over and
over. The individual on the other side is just asking to be hurt.
Nearly wrenching the door from the frame, I am ready to rip a new one to the idiot who has no respect for my eardrums. Before I can open my mouth, Leif pushes me aside, entering the house and running upstairs without any explanation.
I am on his tail, forcing his bedroom door open. “What is wrong with you? Don’t you have a key? Or is it just another day for you to get on my nerves, Leif?”
“Where is my stuff?” He is looking in the neatly-organized wardrobe with a confused expression, scratching his head as if trying to solve the puzzle.
“They are systematized in the appointed places. You want me to show you?” Hiding my smirk, I try to maintain my serious face. “What are you looking for?”
Hurriedly, he undresses. “Jeans and a t-shirt, and some socks and underwear,” he replies, grinning at my rosy cheeks, as I’m still standing there, watching him strip. Idiot!
I get him some clothes, throwing them into his amused face as I leave the room. “Whoever this date of yours is, I hope she appreciates sampling a man scented with roses!”
I hear his curses as his boots fly, hitting the door, and I chuckle to myself. I skip downstairs with sparkling eyes and excitedly squeak as I run to Lucas to share my successfully executed warfare tactics.
Not long after, Leif runs downstairs, calling out to a chuckling Lucas, who high-fived me just moments ago. “Lucas, come here, man! Sniff me! Come on, man, can you smell it?”
Lucas takes in a lungful and starts to cough. “Did you throw the whole bottle of cologne onto yourself? I can’t even feel my nostrils anymore!”
“Well, she scented my wardrobe with roses. I cannot go on the hottest date ever, smelling like a woman!”
“Well, you succeeded in the ‘repelling the bedmate’ tactics. Nobody will be able to come close to you now. Even flies will die as they come in contact with your perfume.” Lucas is holding his hand over his nose, trying not to inhale the lethal scent.
Entwined IN YOU (In You #2) Page 9
