I spend two more weeks at the hospital, where the brain scans confirm that I am at my best, and therapy every day has helped me to move better. Composing my fears under an iron will, I walk to the mirror again to reacquaint myself. The fading bruising shows unfamiliar features. The strange mask of bruises is mocking my feelings.
“You are beautiful, sister.” Raine and Aisha stand behind me with fake excitement, trying to inspire me to accept my new façade.
There was the time when I wore one, hiding myself from the truth, suppressing the cruel, harsh reality. But now, after so many things happened in my life, I am at peace with who I am, or was. This image mocks me again with the vindictive gift I haven’t asked for. Heartless fates are bitches, knocking me down every single time I survive their inflicted damages. I am counting every stitch and wound they have left for me.
I want to be just me. Old, present, and new—all belong to the same warrior I have become. I don’t want to conceal my wounds anymore; my dad didn’t know at the time, that I let go of the pain. The loss that dragged me down is no longer. I don’t remember though, when did I say a final goodbye, since the sorrow is now the treasured memory.
I try to remember who or what healed me, but the turmoil spins like a hurricane, stealing the knowledge from me before I can grasp it. The knock on the door shakes me out of my thoughts as Raine lets Leif in. Since he came back, he doesn’t leave me for long. A moment later, he reaches the private bathroom, holding a leather jacket. The mushy beard is still intact. As he watches me, amused, I try to decipher his facial expression. He is also in disguise.
“You are different,” he says, somewhat politely, as his lips curl into a grin and his eyes shine with mischief, watching my eyebrows crease at his careful remarks.
Wanting to kick him for how he mocks my heart, I clamp my lips together, trying to contain the anger, but feel like I could breathe fire.
“Seriously, Leif, stop messing around, please.” Raine’s worried voice chastises him for being inconsiderate.
All of them wear lighter clothes than before my memory fractured. Leif’s face changes at Raine’s apparent concern, and he tries to apologize, but stops when he notices my even more distressed expression. He never went back to his usual teasing with me, and now he treats me like a fragile flower.
Not to mention, my sisters are incapable of being honest and acting normal around me. My mother has nervous breakdowns in front of me. Apparently, my family is tiptoeing around the issue of my new appearance. It rubs me the wrong way every time—they’re playing me for a fool. I count on Leif’s sharp humor to keep me sane from their demeaning ways to baby me.
Don’t you dare abandon me, Leif! I will the message to reach him through my hurt eyes, and he nods. With quivering lips and tears gathering behind my eyelids, I grab him and Leif draws me into him. The warmth of him is precisely what I need. I try to grasp who he reminds me of. I sniff him like some crazy person, and I don’t care that he vibrates with quiet chuckles as I desperately try to find the truth of the missing memories.
My sister's soothing hand settles between my shoulder blades. When I am pressed against his chest, his heart whispers the truth in my ear and keeps me upright. They are my family, my home, and I love them, and they love me too. So, I hold onto the threads that are woven in my heart, waiting for them to lead me back home.
The memories of the past, like dormant dreams, refuse to come forward and play in front of my eyes in an attempt to wake my feelings. It’s ok, I will find a way back.
Leif disappears before I can drill him for answers, and my sisters tell me that they have to go back to work. Left alone in my hospital room, I settle myself in the bed, still analyzing their strange behavior. Then Lucas knocks on the doorframe, before walking in with soup and tasty bread in his hands. I sit up in bed, hunger churning like a beast in my gut.
“Someone is hungry today, I see!” He smiles with real delight that makes me feel more positive about our conduct.
Lucas has kept himself very distant from me for some unknown reason. The polite, but dismissive, manner in which he has been interacting rubs me the wrong way. I feel walls have been erected so high that to breach them, I would need a tank and to launch a few missiles in order to get through to him.
“You look much better,” he tells me, smiling as he studies my face.
“You mean, I am more attractive now than I was?” He flinches, eyes twitching in surprise, and his cheeks redden, not knowing how to respond.
He clears his throat, trying to find a way out of the hole he’s dug. “You’ve always been beautiful and attractive, Cassandra. That’s why my brother…” Lucas stops mid-sentence, realizing he told me more than he intended.
I observe him, trying not to miss any details about this, but he avoids looking back at me while he composes himself into a military-style perfect soldier façade. Disappointed that he wastes my energy by fabricating a net of lies instead of being honest with me, I take the soup from him and dig in.
“The food is delicious, eat while it’s warm,” I order. Lucas jerks at my hard tone, watching my hard expression with regret. While he eats with me in silence, he hides his gaze from me, lowering it to the floor. I have an opportunity to scrutinize him.
Lucas has lost weight, and the dark circles underneath his eyes make them look sunken and tired. His face is pale and etched with a defeat that wasn’t there before. I finish my soup and put my container away, then climb down off my bed and kneel in front of him. The apprehension written all over his face makes me anxious, and the hair on my nape raises. My lips part, wanting to ask him, but before I can, he stands. I grab onto his legs and press him back down on the chair.
“Cassandra…” His warning sounds as if he is dying on the inside.
Ignoring my need to know, I give him something he needs the most. “Lucas, I am here for you. Just tell me what is wrong.” My gaze searches his tormented ones full of violent suffering, I gasp as he tries to hide his secrets from me shutting me out. “Let me help you.”
He trembles as I reach to touch his face twisted in agony. “Remember, I am your family. Let me be there for you, please,” I beg, but the words I utter are lost in translation since my heart is disconnected from their true meaning.
Salty tears stream down his cheeks like rivers of agony, and his frame trembles with wretched emotion threatening to rip him apart. Abruptly, he stands, holding back a wail, leaving me kneeling on the floor as he storms out.
Hurt, I press my forehead on the chair Lucas vacated. I listen to my racing heart, waiting to reconnect with lost memories. Pent-up emotions leak from me in waves, as I silently weep, feeling helpless. Everything is too depressing and confusing for me to pick up on nosediving emotions.
Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh…
Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh…
Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh …
Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh
I lift my head, looking around my room, trying to understand why I hear these sounds again. Beeps and whooshes are increasing my anxious need to escape my room and find the source of these peculiar sounds. The urge to do just that is so strong that, as I rise to my feet, I fall down a few times, my muscles unable to take the strain I am putting on them today.
Slowly, I manage to stand up, and with a few stubborn attempts to stop them from tingling, I decided to leave. Weirdly, I notice the jacket Leif forgot, hanging on the hanger by the door. It’s a black leather one with writing on it that says, OLD LADY. I pick it up, and bring it to my face. The soft material reminds me of the shop with bikes and a man with a beard telling me about the significance of the biker weddings. “Why did he bring it here?”
Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh… Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh…
The repeating sounds seemed to penetrate the walls. Before I go, I realize that no one will allow me to leave looking like I do, so I rummage through a drawer, finding my family brought clothes for me. In the bathroom, I change careful
ly, trying to pay extra attention to the wounds. I slip into the jacket, then look down at my socks, realizing I shouldn’t draw anyone’s attention to my shoeless feet. After putting some makeup and lip gloss, I am ready as I’ll ever be.
I turn around and jolt, surprised. “Ahh! You scared me!”
Leif sneaked up on me and is standing in the doorway, hands crossed, face hard with livid determination. He grabs my arms, steadying me, as he gives me a probing, assessing once-over.
“I was in the mood for some jeans and lip gloss!” I chirp, totally busted. He grabs me by the hips, hauling me up onto the sink as he carefully strips off his jacket, throwing it to the ground with force.
“Leif…I…”
“Shut up!” he demands, as he traps me with his hands. He looks at me in disbelief, his nostrils flaring. O-M-G, he’s angry with me!
“Leif…”
He shakes his head and gathers me in his arms, placing me on the bed. He tears off my socks and then goes for my jeans. I hit his offending hands and kick him in the stomach.
“Who the hell do you think you are!” I shout as his hands still.
He pulls me into a sitting position, angrily whispering, “I am your brother, your friend, your family. Now, shut the fuck up and go to bed! You almost died, kitten! Patched up like a rag doll, barely able to walk, and she decides now that it’s time to go snooping.” His humorless laugh makes me shiver, but I am too stubborn to concede.
“I wouldn’t need to go investigate if you’d be honest with me and tell the truth! I am waiting patiently here, but I’m done listening to the bullshit you all feed me! If you can’t tell me, then I will find out on my own!”
He grabs his hair and pulls, as if he can’t handle my stupidity. What an ass! Then he turns around and gathers me into his bulky arms, distinguishing my anger and distress.
“What is wrong with you? You want to get Most Overbearing Ass award or something?” He chuckles as he keeps hold of me, smothering my angst with his teddy bear smooches. “I want to know everything.”
My muffled demand meets the silence as he stretches out on my bed, patting the barely left space to lie next to him.
“What I am supposed to do? I’m small, but not enough to fit in that gap, you know.”
Not waiting for me to make up my mind, he pulls me down and holds me, while watching the ceiling with his lost eyes.
I want to study him, but he refuses to let me move. “You know I am done playing cat-and-mouse, Leif. Either you man up and tell me, or I will find a way to get ahold of the shit you’re hiding from me.”
“No, you won’t,” he tells me calmly, making me burn with anger at his arrogance. But I know for sure that most clever people outlast and outplay the strongest ones with wit.
The dreams will come, and I will find my way to the truth, so I settle down, biding my time as he bends to whisper into my ear, “I won’t let you.”
A chill runs down my spine at his sharp whisper, full of conviction. I love him, even if he drives me mad enough to want to kick his ass and make him suffer for his nonsense. But the truth is, right now, he is a hassle I need to get rid of.
All of them are standing in my way, like guardians keeping me from the secrets. It is time to find the right keys. I close my eyes as dreams pull me to sleep, back into the winter wonderland, the peaceful music’s playing in the background.
Someone opening the door startles me. As I open my eyes, I find the nurse checking on me. She presses the finger to her lips and, eyeing Leif, she gives me a smirk before leaving. Her suggestive gaze somehow makes me uncomfortable, but at least she woke me up. This hulk next to me snores like a bear.
Sorry, buddy, but I need to know! Slipping away from him, careful not to disturb him, I put on my discarded socks and jacket. I would steal his shoes as well, but his feet are gigantic canoes.
Chapter 19
Cruel beautiful love
~Cassandra~
Let’s find the missing pieces of my soul. I have to know. No more waiting!
My heart squeezes in my chest, that familiar sense of foreboding causing my hair to stand on end. Since I woke up, I’ve had this yearning in my heart I can’t shake, no matter what. It calls me and urges to find its source. I have to find what she is longing for. With a sob trapped in my throat, I gather my bearings and force myself to leave before I wake up the sentinel sleeping in my bed.
Slowly, I open the door and look into the corridor. It’s empty. I quietly slip out of my hospital room and pad down the blue linoleum in my navy socks, wrapping myself tightly in the leather jacket. With every step, I feel my heart thump in my chest. I whimper and hot tears start to fall, but I don’t give up. I walk along the yellow lines drawn on the ground.
Beep…Beep… Beep… Whoosh… Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh…
I shake with a sensation I can’t name. My shaky legs lead me to the inevitable. Whimpers gather in my throat, placing pressure on my chest, and my breath becomes like a cold smoke. Every wall turns into ice and the linoleum, the frozen lake. I don’t stop, even while my teeth rattle. The heavy burden on my shoulders drags my feet forward and chills my blood with the dark premonition.
Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh… Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh…
Swirling air around my feet leads me towards my destiny. I count every step to something my heart already knows, but my mind fails to comprehend. Rattled with growing dread, I follow the sounds I’ve heard for so long. I slowly pursue the synchronizing rhythm getting clearer, and I know I’m close. My hands brush the walls, trailing the path.
Avoiding people, I walk to the door in the furthest corner. My fingers become like icicles and I begin to gasp for air. I clutch my mouth, stopping the wailing sounds from escaping my chest. Not yet!
This is harder than I thought it would be. My mind works in funny ways, as if it knows, but doesn’t translate to me what it is. Standing at the door, I know I’ve found it. I hesitate and stall, collecting the courage to go through the agonizing experience again.
“Finally, my love, you’re here.” The whispered words sound in my ear, as if he stands next to me. I gasp, shaking with both joy and pain.
“Logan!” His name comes to me, as if it has always been a part of my soul. In the doorway, I catch the sob in my palm, holding it back. Placing my forehead against the door, I take a few deep breaths and gather the strength to open it.
“Night, don’t!” Leif’s panicked voice startles me.
I turn to look at him, standing ten meters from me, and see his crushed and tormented expression. While he walks towards me, determined to stop me, I make a brave decision. Before he reaches me, I push the door open and walk into the room. I hear the sounds that have been following me for a very long time. Calling me back to him.
The life support system pumps my beloved man’s chest, and I can feel his heart suspended airborne. The broken man I love lies on the bed, an unresponsive doll, tangled in tubes and wires. The mangled mess of his face and limbs makes me whimper and I feel his soul, trapped in between two worlds, calling for me to save him from this prison.
Oh, my cruel, beautiful love, why didn’t you keep me with you forever?
My lips part as the whimper shakes me to my core, yearning for the man being kept imprisoned and tangled in the fatally-wounded frame. Aching, I approach him and, with trembling fingers, I gently brush his broken hands. The torment of loss comes back to me, flooding the unsealed channel. Screams gather in my throat and pain coils into a tight ball, like a ticking bomb waiting to explode.
There are no signs of the person I once knew. I stand next to him as tears of agony rip my chest wide open. The tornado breaks free with screams of horror for the man I’ve lost. The terror saturates the room, piercing my skin, and coils into a destructive force ready to unmake me again.
I lay my hands on his mangled body. “No. No, my love, please, no! Please, wake up for me!” The world turns into the searing agony, blinding me. Unraveling me. Shattering my
hopes.
Hopeless desolation spins my vision, grief wrenching my body to pieces. I grip the key I found in the jacket. In the slightly swollen hand, I see a wedding band. I don’t dare to ask why God has punished me again, why he destroyed the life capable of growing my soul into something worthy. Sorrow’s coming back and winding her hands around me. She’s choking me, slowly killing me, and ripping the abyss wide open, demanding to be filled with razor-sharp shards and the lifeblood seeps from my heart to feed the demons.
The wringing organ in my chest is dying, the threads wound in me unraveling, releasing rivers of never-ending pain. The healing wounds are opening, slicing the muscles with shards, tearing the ligaments into ribbons once again. I bleed my essence.
Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh… Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh…
“Cassandra, no.” Leif’s hands carefully wrap around me, holding me to him. The agonizing pain’s tearing him to pieces and he lets out a hoarse wail, which resonates through me. All this time, they were grieving, hurting, keeping this secret from me.
He strokes my back, squeezing my hand resting on my husband’s waist, as if he is trying to keep it together. Shaking, we both wail until the agony chokes us. Then cold seizes my veins and chills invade my cells, and I tremble.
Leif tries to pull me away from my dead husband. “Shh, you need…” I twist so fast he jerks back. My gaze shocks him into silence.
“Don’t you dare!” I scream hoarsely, gasping as my tears flow in hot rivers, feeding the never-ending void.
Once he nods, the sob catches in his throat, and I see through overgrown hair the same torment reflected in his dark gaze. Unable to let him hurt alone, I draw him to me. We both clutch onto each other and fall to the ground, unable to support the weight of sorrow.
“Why, Leif, why?!”
Logan is forced to exist in this prison, no longer breathing on his own.
Entwined IN YOU (In You #2) Page 19
