Little Squirrels Can Climb Tall Trees

by Michael Murphy

  Apparently, at some point later in the evening (I was there but don’t ask me to attest to this), Jake ordered his roommate, “Mano, help me get these guys upstairs to their room, would you?” when he became worried we were going to fall off our stools and hurt ourselves.

  Jake asked a coworker to cover for him for ten minutes and he and Mano together wrestled the two of us off our barstools and out of the bar. Waiting for the elevator was apparently difficult because we were swaying a fair amount and Kyle was a big tree to fall over. Mano kept a firm grip on Kyle’s waist.

  Chapter 22

  THE next morning I was the first to wake up at about 4:10 a.m. Time change really was a killer on the human body, with the first day often being the worst. As I stretched I noticed that the room was mostly dark—no sun yet, but there was abundant artificial light coming into the room through the open curtains at the balcony doors.

  I looked to my right and saw Kyle sleeping like a baby. Feeling the need to pee, I turned to my left to get out of bed but froze midmotion. There is someone else in our bed! Oh, fuck! There is someone else in bed with us! Oh, fuck, Mano is in our bed! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! What the hell happened last night? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! God, I hope we didn’t fuck!

  Sitting up in bed, trying very hard not to wake Mano, I leaned over and tried to wake Kyle up. Thinking quickly, I leaned over and put my hand over his mouth so that he didn’t wake up, say something, and wake up our unexpected visitor.

  My hand firmly in place over his mouth, I shook Kyle vigorously and whispered, “Kyle! Kyle! Wake up! Now!”

  Sensing that something unusual was up, he woke up, startled by the hand across his mouth. I used my other hand to hold a finger up to my lips to give the universal symbol of “Quiet!” When I had his nodded approval, I removed my hand and pointed at Mano.

  Kyle wasn’t any more prepared to find another man in our bed, especially Mano, than I had been. “Fuck!” he said loudly. Thankfully, though, Mano never stirred.

  I gestured for Kyle to shut up. The two of us quietly got out of bed, both completely naked, and as quietly as possible crept out of the room to the adjoining living room area—not really a separate room but at least a separate area.

  “What the fuck is he doing here?” Kyle asked.

  “How the hell should I know?” I complained.

  “Well, I don’t know how he got here!”

  “Well, neither do I!”

  “What do we do now?”

  “I don’t know. Give me a minute,” I said as I paced a little bit, thinking. “It’s too early to go out. We could turn on all the lights and try to wake him up as we move around to shower and get dressed. Or we could shower and get dressed and then sit out here until a more reasonable hour to wake him up. I mean, it is only 4:15 in the freaking morning!”

  “We would be bad hosts if we woke him up so early,” Kyle said.

  “Bad hosts? Did you invite him into our bed?” I asked.

  “Not to the best of my knowledge.”

  “Neither did I. So I see no overwhelming need to be super considerate to the naked stranger in our bed.”

  Kyle had to agree that I made a good argument. “Okay. Let’s shower and get dressed and then see about waking him up to find out what happened here last night.”

  “Deal.” We quietly made our way together into the shower just off the bedroom and went through our morning routine, shaving, showering, brushing teeth, fine-tuning the hair (we were gay, after all). Our clothes were in the bedroom of the suite, so to get dressed, we had to go into the bedroom.

  We rummaged around a bit in the dark to find something to put on, both slightly reluctant to actually wake up Mano. Finally, though, I had had enough. I turned on one light in the room, gave it a minute, turned on another light in the room, and then started moving around, not particularly quiet.

  But still our “guest” slept on. Finally Kyle stepped up to the bed, leaned down, touched Mano’s bare shoulder—he really was an attractive man—and gently shook him, trying to wake him up. But the man slept on undisturbed.

  Kyle tried again, a bit more forcefully. Then again. By that point I was getting impatient, so I tried a different approach—I jumped on the bed and yelled, “Mano! Haul your lazy ass out of that bed, now!”

  That worked. The man jerked awake with a start.

  “What?” he asked groggily. He rubbed his face as if to wipe away the sleep from his eyes, then tried again. He looked at me on one side and Kyle on the other. “Hey, guys. Morning.” He looked around. “Where are we?”

  “Our room,” I answered.

  “Oh, right.”

  “What happened last night, Mano?”

  “You don’t remember? No, I guess you wouldn’t. You were both pretty well sloshed. Jake, my roommate—you remember Jake from the bar downstairs—Jake asked me to help get you back here. He helped me haul you upstairs. He didn’t think you’d be able to make it on your own. He was probably right.

  “We got you back up here, but he had to get back downstairs to work. He was really worried that you two were going to have an accident. You kept trying to go out onto the balcony and kept leaning over. I thought the man was going to have a heart attack. He asked me to stay here with you and make sure that you both were okay. I told him I would. I finally got the two of you settled down and got you into bed—not easy, I might add—and then waited for you to get to sleep.

  “I was gonna sleep out on the sofa, but I couldn’t find a blanket or a pillow, and I don’t like being cold at night. I figured you could let me share your bed—it was the least you could do since you had totally disrupted my evening. I don’t know who it was going to be, but I was intending to get laid last night.”

  “I’m so sorry we got in the way of your sexual liaison with the man of your dreams,” I told him. “We really are grateful you took care of us and made sure we were safe last night. I can see why Jake would have been worried. I would have been worried too if I hadn’t been totally blitzed.”

  “Oh, honey, you were beyond blitzed. You were both so totally sloshed you didn’t even know your own names.”

  “Well, Jake shouldn’t have kept the mai tais coming all night long. Those things crept up on us.”

  “Yes, they can do that. And he does make a killer mai tai. I’ve gotten totally smashed on them several times. It tastes like you’re drinking fruit juice, and you drink way more than you really should.”

  Before either of us could object, Mano threw back the covers of the bed and rose to his feet—utterly and completely naked. Kyle and I both wanted to be upset, but at the same time, the more primitive parts of our male brains were sending stronger signals—hot! And after all, we had seen pretty much the same thing earlier in the afternoon when the man had stood in the bar in his skimpy Speedo swimming suit. That little bit of cloth really didn’t do much to cover up what was between his legs.

  We were quiet while we watched the man walk to the bathroom. He didn’t bother to close the door. A few seconds later, we heard the unmistakable sounds of a man peeing. When he was finished, he walked back into the room, completely comfortable, as if he walked naked in front of strangers all the time—well, actually, he basically did that all day long, given the costume he wore for his work.

  He crawled back into bed and pulled the covers back up. “Why did you wake me up so early? Do you know the sun isn’t even up yet? I need more sleep.”

  “Sorry. We were just a little startled and confused,” Kyle explained.

  “Y’all coming back to bed?” he asked, innocently, perhaps.

  “No,” I said.

  “I promise not to molest you,” Mano said. Then he looked at Kyle and added, “Him I’m not so sure about. Him I could hump into oblivion.”

  “That’s always been my reaction,” I agreed.

  “Hey!” Kyle complained. “No one is humping me anywhere! I’m barely into doing two-ways! I don’t do three-ways. Thank you both very much!”

  “And wha
t’s wrong with me?” I asked, suddenly noticing that I’d been passed over on the sexual smorgasbord.

  “Nothing, darling. You’re very handsome, very cute with a tight, hot body—for an old man. But you were right—he does have a monster dick. Can you blame a guy for wanting to ride that big horse in the rodeo?”

  “I am not a horse!” Kyle protested.

  “You’re hung like one, darling. Now come back to bed. I need my beauty sleep.”

  The look on Kyle’s face was so precious! He looked like he didn’t know if he should be flattered or offended. Mano took advantage of the momentary quiet and closed his eyes.

  I didn’t take being called an old man easily—by someone else, that is. I was so perturbed by the sight of Mano relaxed in the bed that I simply walked up to the man, yanked the covers off him, grabbed one of his legs, and pulled him out of the bed. Once I had him on the floor, I sat on his chest and tickled him relentlessly. If Mano had not just been to the bathroom, he probably would have peed himself, he laughed so hard.

  When I felt that I had exacted an appropriate amount of revenge, I stood up. “Looks like the old man just kicked your butt!”

  Gleefully I threw myself onto the bed, leaving Mano on the floor. Mano, though, was an equal match for me in terms of persistence. While I was on the bed thinking that I had the upper hand, Mano grabbed Kyle and pulled him down to the floor so that Kyle was lying on top of him.

  “Hey! Hands off! He’s mine!” I warned.

  “You threw me on the floor and didn’t leave me a blanket. I had to find some way to stay warm. I’m just improvising. Oh, this is nice!” Mano said as he rubbed his hands over Kyle’s butt. “Oh, yeah, baby! You’re making me hard.”

  “I don’t want to know!” Kyle said, breaking loose and returning to his feet.

  “You sure?” Mano asked, stroking his penis, which was remarkably getting a bit larger as he became erect.

  I looked over the edge of the bed and said, “Okay, dude, I’ve got to ask. Your dick is big. Admirably big. Flagpole big.”

  “Thank you. And your question?”

  “Do you feel a bit light-headed when you walk around because so much blood flow is diverted from your brain to your dick?”

  “Joseph!” Kyle apparently couldn’t believe what I was asking.

  “What? I want to know! Don’t you want to know? I mean, look at the thing,” I said, gesturing toward Mano’s crotch. “I know horses that would be jealous of this man!”

  “Oh, Joseph! That’s got to be the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me!”

  “Really, dude?”

  “Yes.”

  “You have got to get a better class of boyfriends. What is it about all of you gorgeous, smart men to leave you with such tiny, fragile egos?”

  “Huh?”

  “You sound just like Kyle did before I got to work on him. My boyfriend is freaking awesome, and I’ve made it my mission in life to persuade him of that fact. I mean, look at the man! On surface appearance alone, he’s gorgeous. But I fell in love with his brain right along with his body. He knocked me over with that killer smile. And his intelligence is just off the freaking charts. But do you know that when we met, he didn’t see that? Can you believe it?”

  “Joseph,” Mano said calmly, “I’m lying on the floor of your hotel room with a hard-on while you’re telling me about your boyfriend. Do I look like the walking, talking poster child for self-confidence?”

  “To some degree, yes. I mean, you are basically jerking off in front of two strangers?”

  “Well, hell, that’s nothing. I can’t count the number of times I’ve jerked off in front of strangers. Strangers are some of my best friends. It’s the intimacy that gives me trouble. I can strut around and pretend I’m confident and know what the fuck I’m doing, but believing it is something else entirely. People seem to admire my body—I don’t entirely know why—but since they seem to, I’ve learned to use that tool. When all somebody wants is to suck your dick or have you fuck them, it saves me from having to talk to them and expose how insecure I am.”

  “Dude!” I yelled. “You’re as fucked up as Kyle was before I got to work on him.” Turning my attention upward to my boyfriend, I said, “Kyle! What are you?”

  “In love with you,” he said.

  I knew Kyle was toying with me. I rolled my eyes. “Absolutely true. And what else are you?”

  “I am an awesome man!”

  “Damned straight!” I yelled in encouragement.

  “Who’s the man?”

  “I am!”

  “Who’s the awesome man?”

  “I am!” Kyle yelled back.

  “Who’s my awesome man?”

  “I am!” Kyle yelled even a bit louder.

  “I’m pleased for you, guys, but if you wake up the other guests, they’re gonna call security and have your asses tossed out of here. Joseph, kiss that man. Kyle, kiss that man. Maybe that will shut the two of you up and let me get a little more sleep… all alone, here in the dark, on the cold, lonely floor, all by myself, no blanket to cover my poor, scrawny little body.”

  Finding the closest thing at hand, I grabbed and threw a pillow at the man. “Dude! One, it’s not dark. Two, it’s seventy-five degrees in here. Three…. Oh just shut up and get into the fucking bed.”

  Kyle objected. “Excuse me!”

  “You too.”

  “Oh, goody!” Mano said. “A three-way.”

  “No three-way. We’re just going to lie here while you get back to sleep, and then we’re going to go find somebody open to serve breakfast.”

  With all three of us lying in the bed, Mano said, “You know, if you call room service, you could have breakfast without putting on any clothes.”

  “True,” I agreed. “But at the moment you are the only one of the three of us who is naked.”

  “I’m not naked. I’m nude.”

  “Nude? What’s the difference? Your wiener is wagging for all the world to see either way.”

  “There is a huge difference. ‘Nude’ is more dignified than the more coarse ‘naked’.”

  “Uh-huh. Sure, Mano. You’re so full of shit.”

  “Actually I can see his point,” Kyle said.

  “Hey, who rocks your boat? Him or me?”

  “You do.”

  “Then agree with me.”

  “But he’s right.”

  “So? I suck your dick until your eyes roll back in your head and you scream incoherent cries.”

  “True. Okay. Mano, you’re on your own.”

  “Isn’t it always the case? You can’t top a screaming-eyes-rolling-back-in-your-head.” He paused for a moment and said, “Hey, wait a minute. I’ve seen his dick.”

  “How have you seen his dick?”

  “Who do you think undressed you and poured your sorry asses into this bed last night?”

  I looked at him suspiciously. “Did you have your nasty way with us while we were exposed and vulnerable?”

  “Joseph! You couldn’t have gotten a hard-on last night any better than you could have walked across the room. Now this one,” he said, putting his hand on Kyle’s arm. “This one. Oh baby, that thing. Oh, you couldn’t keep that thing down. I had seven kinds of nasty ways with him.”

  “You did not!” Kyle objected.

  “Okay. Well, maybe it was just in my head, then, but I know there were seven kinds of nasty involved somewhere.”

  “You, sir, are a very scary man,” I observed.

  “No, just horny. Testosterone does weird shit to men. Makes us into animals being guided by the heat-seeking missile in our shorts.”

  Kyle agreed to a degree. “You speak the truth, but at the moment your missile is not in your shorts but is rubbing up against my leg.”

  “Mano! Hands off my boyfriend!” I scolded, reaching across to see if Kyle’s statement was true.

  “It’s not my hands, Joseph,” Mano corrected.

  “Put that thing away!” I ordered.


  “Where? You two won’t help a man out here? And remember that all I wore yesterday was my Speedo. You know, if I don’t… relieve some pressure, I’m never gonna be able to get this thing back into that little itty-bitty piece of black Spandex. And when people start screaming as I go through the lobby, well, I’m just going to tell them that this is your fault. You did this to me.”

  “Mano. You lying sack of excrement.”

  “Sack of excrement?”

  “Hey! I’ll have you know that I’ve got culture!”

  Both Mano and Kyle burst out laughing at that point. When the laughter had finally died away, Mano said, “I like you guys. I’m so glad I got to meet you yesterday. You two have been such fun. I haven’t laughed so much in years. Thank you both so much.”

  “I’m glad we could help.”

  “You want to help me lance the lizard?”

  “No!” both of us shouted simultaneously.

  “Oh, I see, you just like to watch. No problem.”

  “Mano, there will be no jerking off in this bed.”

  “Okay. I can just fuck you. That works too.”

  “Sorry,” Kyle said, “that’s my job.”

  “Dude,” Mano said to me. “You suck that and you ride that monster? I’m impressed.”

  “He’s not the only awesome guy here,” I noted.

  “I guess not. Guys?”

  “No!” we said without waiting for Mano to ask his question.

  “What? All I was going to ask is that I get to watch you two doing the deed. I don’t really believe that little Joe over there is capable of handling the harpoon of love over here.”

  “You are one twisted fucker, you know that?” I said.

  “Well, duh? Sane people were all home in bed in their jammies having their Sleepytime Tea when I was hauling your sorry drunken asses back to this room last night. Twisted fuckers rule!”