“Stay with me, Crash,” she whispered. “Promise me you’ll stay with me.”
Sliding his hands up her back, he brought them around her neck until he was cupping her face as he had been before. “I am not going anywhere,” he said, enunciating each word. “We’re gonna talk more about this, baby. But, I am telling you right now, that even if you go back to Marlowe… I’m going to be with you. I didn’t come visit your parents because I wanted to get to know them. I’m insinuating myself into your life, so that no matter what… I’m gonna be there.”
Asking him to stay during their time in the hospital visiting Felipe was a far cry from what Ryske had taken her question to mean. He was talking forever. A forever that they could never have. When he was so genuine, it was difficult to keep her guard up.
“Come here,” she whispered, curving her hands around the sides of his neck to pull him down for a kiss.
Tomorrow would bring more drama and hard decisions. But, for now, she was going to kiss the man who’d chosen to be with her… even if he could never have her.
They chose to go through a side entrance rather than the ambulance bay. Ryske did a good job of steering Harlow away from any part of the hospital related to the night he’d died.
Finding Felipe in a room at the other end of the ER was a reprieve. And as long as Ryske kept hold of her hand, she managed to block out her apprehension.
The kid had been beaten up bad. It broke her heart to see his bruises and the swelling of his eye and head.
His mom, Martina, was there and torn up about the whole thing. The matriarch swung back and forth between snapping at her son for being near the gangs and fawning over him.
Though Felipe tried to be tough and assert how hard he fought back, Harlow could see he was exhausted. Seeing her and Ryske together surprised everyone. Dover, Noon, and Maze were already in Felipe’s room by the time she and Ryske arrived. Regardless of the ambiguity of their relationship, it was best for Felipe to know he could trust the guys, so Harlow explained that they were all friends again.
There was no need to bore the kid with the details and he didn’t ask questions. Felipe was immediately thrilled to have his gang of big brothers in his life again. Martina’s nerves were so taut, she’d have accepted any lifeline. Anyone who might protect her son was a support she needed.
Martina took her aside to say Felipe wasn’t telling her, or the cops, anything about the people who’d done this to him. Harlow tried to draw out details, but he was reluctant to discuss it in the group. Something about the way Felipe kept glancing at Ryske made her offer up a chance for the two to be alone. The youngster jumped on the suggestion. So, the rest of them loitered in the hall while Ryske talked alone with the kid.
Half an hour went by and then Ryske came out to say Felipe was asleep. Martina hugged and kissed everyone goodbye before returning to Felipe’s side, leaving Harlow and Ryske’s crew to find their way to the sidewalk alone.
On the corner, Noon pointed to a parking lot across the street. “We’re in there.”
The guys moved toward the curb, but she took a step backwards.
Noticing her retreat, Ryske did a double take, which drew the others attention to her as well. “Trink,” he said. “Come on, we’re going home.”
She shook her head. “I can’t.”
He snickered in an awkward way that didn’t suggest humor. “Sure you can. Floyd’s is your home.”
“No,” she said, scanning the crew. “Thanks, but I’ll pass.”
“Nightingale,” Dover said. “We should talk. All of us should talk.”
“Not tonight,” she said, creeping backwards. “Soon… I have something I have to do.”
“I’ll come with you,” Ryske said, starting toward her.
Harlow raised a flat hand to halt him. “No. This is a solo mission. Go home.”
His frown was edging from concern to anger. “I don’t want you on the street this late by yourself.”
“I can take care of me,” she said then appealed to the guys behind Ryske. “Take care of him… like I know you will. Goodnight.”
Striding away, she hoped Ryske would respect her and not make a big deal of this. Distance might give her perspective, but she also had to right a wrong. There were so many of those in her life that she couldn’t fix, it made sense to remedy those she could.
27
This time, there was no barreling inside without invitation. Harlow knocked on the apartment door and waited until it opened.
When it did and he registered who she was, the occupant opened his mouth. Without forming words, he closed it again.
Harlow couldn’t blame him for not knowing what to say. “I’m sorry, Clyde,” she said. “I’m a coward.”
Breathing in, he stepped back to open the door wider and presented the apartment to her. Moving beyond the threshold, it felt wrong to be too familiar, so she waited for him to offer her a seat in the living room before going to sit down.
Joining her, Clyde sat at her side. “I’m the one who should apologize, Harlow,” he said, taking her hand. He didn’t hold it for long. Second guessing himself, he quickly let her go. “I got caught up in a moment and I wanted to make you feel good… though why that would make you feel good, I don’t know, but…”
Shading his eyes with a contrite hand, his elbow dropped to his knee in a display of shame. Her friend had been a support to her when she needed someone. It was awful that she’d abandoned him to his guilt. Since the night he’d kissed her, Clyde had been dealing with these negative emotions and Harlow had been so caught up in her own bullshit that she had neglected to do right by him.
“It did make me feel good,” she said, guiding his hand down from his head to show him a smile. “It was a good kiss, and maybe under other circumstances—”
“Don’t,” he said, sitting up and this time he kept her hand when he took it. “Don’t give me the polite brush off. I get it, okay?” He smiled. “You have enough men complicating your life.”
It was beyond sweet that he was being so kind. “You’re right about that… But, you should at least let me apologize for standing you up. I said I would come over and then I didn’t and I… that was spineless.”
“I was disappointed not to see you; I wasn’t mad. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. What were we going to say to each other? You needed to get the Ryske stuff straightened out in your head. Coming here to appease me… it would’ve been too much.”
Putting a hand to his cheek, she was grateful and contrite at the same time. “You are too sweet for your own good, you know?”
He smiled. “Yeah, probably… What do they say about nice guys finishing last?” If she could feel that way about Clyde, he’d be a better bet than Ryske. Shame her hormones didn’t care about safe and sensible. “Enough about that, get me updated. I’m guessing you didn’t just come here for my sparkling wit.”
No, she hadn’t. “You’re right. I didn’t just want to apologize. I came here because I… I did want to apologize, don’t get me wrong, but I… I guess I needed to be with a friend… I don’t need to off-load on you. I don’t want to. That’s not why I came. It’s unfair that every time I show up, I use you as a sounding board… I just needed some space and to walk for a while… Felipe’s in the hospital… he was beaten up.”
Clyde straightened. “Oh my God, is he going to be okay?”
Clyde knew Felipe the same way she did, through their work with family services. If the two were at Floyd’s at the same time they would talk or joke around together. They weren’t exactly close, but neither would wish the other harm.
“Looks that way. They’re keeping him overnight, just to be sure. He got knocked around the head pretty bad. Martina doesn’t have any insurance, but Ryske said he’d take care of it, so…”
How he would do that, she wasn’t sure. Ryske had said he was putting money together to repay Rupert, and Harlow had meant to tell him to use that for whatever Felipe needed. Repayment
could wait; Martina didn’t need the extra stress of financial worries hanging over her.
“You’ve seen him?” Clyde asked. “You’ve seen Ryske?”
Seen him and then some. Averting her eyes, she bobbed in nodding confirmation. She’d seen him, felt him, tasted him… done just about everything one person could do with another.
Scooping a hand under her jaw, he drew her gaze up. “Harlow, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t offer you all the support I can? You don’t have to hide anything from me. Don’t worry about using me as a sounding board. If there’s anyone who needs one, it’s you…” His thumb caressed her. “And, you know, on the day my lost love comes back from the dead, I’ll be knocking down your door, you better answer.”
She laughed and took his hand from her face to link their fingers. “Deal.”
“So, tell me everything you want to tell me.”
Harlow told him everything. Absolutely everything. Maybe it was a moment of weakness, but the words just tumbled out of her. The chaos made it difficult to put the pieces together. Nothing made sense anymore.
Clyde asked questions and the conversation kept on going. They talked for so long that food was ordered to sustain them.
Harlow hadn’t had good Chinese food for a long time. What they ate that night probably wasn’t the best in the city, it only tasted like it because she’d been denied her guilty pleasure for so long.
Their discussion covered everything that had happened that week with Rupert and with Ryske, right through to Maze appearing at the country club and them rushing off to see Felipe… Which reminded her that she hadn’t called Rupert, but she didn’t need a clock to tell her it would be too late to do that.
Tossing her food box to the table, Harlow sank into the corner of the couch. “And, that’s it,” she said. “The guys wanted me to go back to Floyd’s with them, but… It was just too normal, you know? What would’ve happened? Either they would’ve wanted to talk…”
At the hospital, talking seemed like the last thing she wanted to do. Both mentally and physically exhausted, Harlow had thought it was beyond her. Obviously, Clyde brought it out in her. This had been like a productive therapy session. Sure, she was tired, but sharing the burden did make her feel lighter.
“Or go to bed,” Clyde said.
With Ryske, that’s what he meant. If she had any kind of integrity, she’d assert with confidence that getting into Ryske’s bed would never be a part of her future. Except, after accepting him into her body in her childhood bedroom, Harlow wasn’t certain enough to lean on her integrity.
“Am I supposed to slide in next to Ryske like nothing happened?” Sitting up again, she drove her fingers through her hair, knowing it wouldn’t have been outside the realm of possibility. “I lost my head the night we had sex. I know it was stupid to let him into my bed… and into my body.”
Rubbing her thigh, he soothed her. “Don’t beat yourself up. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment… it’s happened to all of us at some point in our lives.”
They shared a smile. “I’m not saying I blame him. I’m not even saying I regret it. I just… It was fast, you know? There’s still so much we haven’t said, and…”
“I get it,” he said. “You were caught up in having him back. The guy was dead for God sakes. Just having him there probably felt like a gift.”
“It did… I didn’t think I’d ever have the chance to… We got to say everything we never said, got the chance to be together. It was a gift… it was special.”
“For you, it was goodbye. You’re trying to honor your deal with Rupert; sleeping with Ryske complicated that. Now he thinks you’re back together and everything is good. You know it’s not that simple.”
“It isn’t that simple,” she said.
Being intimate with Ryske had been instinct. At the time, it hadn’t been about goodbye or getting back together. Her thoughts hadn’t been that ordered. All she’d wanted was to feel him. Losing him had proved how fragile life was. Passing up the opportunity to be with him, when he could be taken from her again at any moment, would’ve been foolish.
“For you,” Clyde said. “It isn’t that simple for you.”
“After what Ryske said tonight…”
“About insinuating himself into your life?” Clyde asked and then frowned. “Yeah, that is worrying.”
She wasn’t sure if he meant worrying as in “crazy stalker” worrying or “complicated” worrying. Ryske wasn’t a crazy stalker. Not that she could be sure he wouldn’t turn into one. Whichever way he chose to go about it, his presence would complicate her life. Letting go of her city life would be impossible if Ryske kept popping up to remind her of it.
But, it was more than that. How could she ever be faithful and true to Rupert if the man she loved was always loitering in the background? Given the way she and Ryske had been together at the country club table, it would only be a matter of time before Rupert started to figure out there was something going on between them… if he hadn’t already.
Running from the club with Ryske probably raised suspicions. Although she didn’t think anyone had noticed their antics at the table, it was possible they’d been spotted. Some people liked gossip so much that even smiling at the wrong man could lead to marriages being destroyed after the rumor mill went into overdrive.
Harlow didn’t care about rumors or gossip, but Rupert would, her parents too. She wouldn’t even be able to deny the accusations because whether or not they acted on them, the feelings were there. They were real.
Telling Rupert that there was nothing between her and Ryske would mean lying to him again. Even if she didn’t like it, denying that she was in love with Ryske would be lying to herself. She’d been ready to lay down life and liberty for the man. Feelings linked to convictions like that didn’t go away overnight.
“I can’t see a way out of this,” she whispered, admitting the futility of her overthinking. “I can’t.”
Clyde’s tone was both optimistic and realistic. “You have to explore each of the three options… Play them out as best you can.”
Already he’d proved to have more clarity than she did. “Three?”
“Yeah,” he said, hooking a finger around his thumb. “First option is you say screw them both and go it alone… You don’t need to be with either of them.”
That was an option. But, where would she go? What would she do? Staying with her parents wouldn’t be a possibility. As long as she was around and single, Rupert would believe there was a chance for them to be together.
Ryske had vowed to be around no matter what. If she felt nothing for him, it would be easy to spurn his advances. But what had happened in her bedroom was proof enough that she didn’t have much resolve when it came to rejecting him.
“Second option is Rupert. Whatever happens, you have to give him back his money; that’s just decent.”
“I agree,” she said, having intended to do that anyway. “Except if I don’t have Ryske’s help and I don’t have the Pothos deal, how will I repay him? I don’t even have a job.”
That made him frown. “Do you think Ryske would cut you out of what’s owed to you? Do you think he’s capable of being that unscrupulous?”
Ryske was capable of doing all sorts of despicable things. Even to her, as faking his death demonstrated. Withholding would keep them connected for longer, so it wasn’t beyond him. Apparently, he’d decided that he wanted to be in her life. Shaking him wasn’t going to be easy.
“I think he’s capable of anything,” she said. “Though you’ve got to remember, he hasn’t actually done anything with Pothos…” That led her to another line of thinking. “I haven’t even talked to him about it… I don’t know if he’s planning to take my place or not… Maybe they won’t make any money on it.”
Which would mean she’d bought into something worthless. The men of the consortium were willing to get involved with an illegal venture. There was no reason they wouldn’t be willing to screw her
over. It could be that she’d handed over a vast amount of money to a group who’d take it without compunction and never return her investment.
At some point, Harlow would have to touch base with Ophelia and find out what state the operation was in.
Sensing his discomfort when he cleared his throat, Harlow peered at Clyde. “Would you…”
“Would I what?”
“Consider going back to Ryske… at least until Rupert had his money back.”
“String him along?” she asked. “Ryske?”
Sleeping with him had deepened their connection. Deceiving Rupert had made her feel ill because he was such a good man. Lying to Ryske might be easier given that he’d proven he’d lie to her. But, as parents told their children the world over, two wrongs didn’t make a right.
Aside from the fact that it was vile to treat someone that way, Harlow’s secret desire was to be with him. She would only fall more into her infatuation with Ryske if she committed herself to a relationship, whether dishonestly or temporarily.
“It’s horrible, I know, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”
“It’s okay.”
Soothing him with a shared smile, Harlow didn’t want to admit aloud that she’d considered doing much worse in recent weeks. Agreeing with Ophelia that they would both sleep with Yarker or Parratt was up there on that list. Using Clyde to get back at Ryske was probably the worst. Of course, she couldn’t forget that, just for her amusement, she’d introduced Penzance to a man he planned to rip off.
Harlow wasn’t the same benign, harmless person she had been upon moving to the city.
“Ryske is the last option,” he said, touching his middle finger. “If you’re together and you tell him you want to get Rupert his money, I’d guess that he’d help you… But, if you’re with Ryske for real, you’d have to back out of your deal with Rupert.”
What would her family think about that? As far as she knew, they weren’t aware of the deal. But, they were close to Rupert and her return to the family home had led to expectations. Would they accept her and Ryske together or would they see it as a betrayal of Rupert?
Go It Alone (A Go Novel Book 2) Page 22
