by TJ Klune
“Yes!” Josy cried, lifting his head. “And it’s me!”
Gustavo stared at him before nodding slowly. He leaned to the left, looking over Josy’s shoulder toward the front of the store. Josy followed his gaze. The sidewalk was empty.
“I always knew this would happen,” Gustavo said. “I’m glad you’ve come to me.”
“You knew?” Josy asked. “Goddammit. Did everyone know?”
“I don’t know about anyone else. But I figured it out right away. I mean, it makes sense, if you really think about it.”
Josy frowned. “It does?”
Gustavo nodded. “I mean, it was bound to happen sooner or later. You’re in too deep.”
“How do you know that?” Josy demanded. “I didn’t even figure it out before today!”
“Because I know many things,” Gustavo said. “It’s what happens when you read encyclopedias.”
“Whoa,” Josy breathed. “I didn’t know that. Encyclopedias sound amazing. I’ve never used one before because I live in the twenty-first century, but still.”
Gustavo leaned forward on the counter. Josy felt better already. “First thing you need to do is to make sure you’re not being followed.”
This was good advice. “I wasn’t. No one even stopped me for a picture, which was really disappointing. I think I let those two girls who wanted my autograph go to my head. I’m a fame whore now.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. But it doesn’t matter. The second thing you need to do is destroy all your credit cards. They can trace you that way.”
Josy’s eyes widened. “They can?”
“Yes. Everything is traceable. Which brings me to the big one. You’re going to have to ditch the phone. That means no more social media.”
Josy gasped. “I can’t do that. What happens if someone posts a picture of their colorful sushi and I don’t see it?”
“It’s a price you’ll have to pay,” Gustavo said gravely. “If you’re going to go off the grid, you need to cut all ties with who you used to be.”
“Gustavo, no.”
“Josy, yes. They will find you unless you do exactly what I say.”
Josy was getting paranoid. “But—but what if I only looked at Instagram, like, three times a day?” He shook his head. “No, that’s crazy. Maybe twelve times a day.”
Gustavo scoffed. “You obviously don’t care if you die, then.”
“I do! I do care if I die!”
Gustavo slammed his hands down on the counter. “Then you need to start acting like it! Maybe a few years down the road when you’ve established a new life under a different name, you can think about making a new account, but only if you remember one thing, and one thing only. Are you ready to remember that one thing?”
Josy nodded furiously. “So ready.”
Gustavo leaned forward. “Here it is: selfies will get you killed.”
Josy took a step back. “No. That’s not… that can’t be true.”
“It is. If you’re going to go into hiding, then you need to remember that Josiah Erickson is dead. Whatever new name you pick for yourself, that is who you’re supposed to be. You’ll need to shave off your beard—”
“Anything but that! Why are you doing this? Why are you tearing me apart?”
“I’m trying to save your life!” Gustavo shouted. “The Hollywood Mafia is after you, and now that you’ve finally come to me to get free, I am doing everything I can. But you’re not listening.”
“I am listening! I swear. But you’re—wait. What.”
Gustavo squinted at him. “What what?”
“Who is after me?”
“The Hollywood Mafia.”
“They are? Why?”
Gustavo threw up his hands. “I don’t know! Probably because you’re in too deep! You’ve sold your soul for fame and money, and now you’re about to pay the price!”
Josy didn’t know he’d done any of that. It was a good thing he’d come here. “But… it’s just a movie!”
“That’s how it starts. First it’s a commercial. Then it’s a part in a TV show where you play a corpse.”
“Oh no,” Josy whispered. “I did those things.”
“And then you get the starring role in a movie about having sexual relations with animals—”
“Hold up. Time out. That’s not what the movie is about.”
“You made out with a man dressed like a lion.”
“Yeah, but it’s whimsical. Grady is an imaginary friend that became real who reminds my character of his one true love. It’s kind of like Calvin and Hobbes.”
Gustavo snorted. “Calvin never wanted to fuck the tiger.”
Josy gaped at him. “That’s—I don’t know that I’ve ever heard you say fuck before, man. It’s really tripping me out. Also, that sentence really messed with my childhood memories.”
“And now you’re coming to me for help because you know the Hollywood Mafia is after you because you’ve stumbled upon their terrible secrets.”
Josy blinked. “That’s not why I’m here.”
“It’s not?”
“Uh, no? The mafia isn’t after me. At least I don’t think.”
“But you said it was life-or-death!”
“It is! Xander and Serge made me realize that I’m accidentally dating Quincy, and now I need your help figuring out how to make it real dating.”
Gustavo stared at him.
Josy smiled back.
Gustavo was quicker than Josy expected. He practically shoved Josy out the door before he even realized what was happening. “Hey, man! What are you doing?”
“Get out,” Gustavo snapped. “You are banned from Pastor Tommy’s Video Rental Emporium for life. And don’t even think about trying to sneak back in. I have your face memorized.”
“Aw, that’s so nice. I have your face memorized too. Stop pushing me!”
“No!”
Josy dug his heels in. Gustavo was freakishly strong, but Josy had done squats this morning, so his thighs were ready for the challenge. A man and a woman walked by the front of the store and stopped to stare at them.
Josy waved.
Gustavo growled.
They left quickly.
“Gustavo,” Josy moaned, tilting his head back to rest on Gustavo’s shoulder. “You’re the only one I trust to help me with my love life.”
“That was the worst thing a human being has ever said to me. Don’t do it again.”
“But you’re in love! You got Casey, and now I need your help with Quincy!”
“Then talk to Casey!”
“I’m trying to talk to you!”
It was about that time that Gustavo must have figured out that Josy wasn’t going to leave. They were both panting and sweating slightly. Gustavo had him in a headlock, and Josy was hanging on to the front pockets of Gustavo’s pants. Either Josy’s neck would break or Gustavo’s pants would rip.
They were at a stalemate.
“Truce?” Josy managed to say.
“Truce. Let go on one… two… three.”
They let go of each other.
Gustavo glared.
Josy grinned. “That was awesome. You could be a bouncer at a swanky club.”
Gustavo sniffed. “Yes. Well. I will keep that in mind if my current career path doesn’t pan out. And if a swanky club ever opens in Abby. Which I doubt, given the lack of space for such a thing.”
“I don’t think the Hollywood Mafia is a real thing.”
“It is. Just because you haven’t been invited to be in it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr. started it. That’s what Pastor Tommy said. And he knew everything, so.”
“He did,” Josy agreed. “And he sounds like he was awesome. Since you’re his son, that means he taught you everything he knows. Which means you’re awesome too. And that’s why I came to you for help.”
Gustavo tucked his shirt back in. “That makes sense. But I must decline. I’m very busy, as yo
u must know.”
“Please?”
Gustavo sighed. “You’re not going to leave, are you.”
Josy scuffed his shoe against the carpet. “Probably not.”
“And this is important to you?”
“Like, so important.”
“And you think I can help you?”
“The only person,” Josy said earnestly. “Because you’re in love with an awesome dude, and he loves you back. I mean, I could ask Casey, but it’s not the same. I’m more like you than I am like him.”
Gustavo scowled at him. “That’s not even remotely true.”
“We’re practically twins.”
“I don’t have ridiculous facial hair, nor do I dress like a traveling carney.”
“Feelings twins,” Josy amended. “We think alike.”
Gustavo looked horrified. “Why would you say that?”
Josy shrugged. “Because I always tell the truth about stuff. You know that.”
Gustavo stumbled toward the counter. “Oh my god. I do know that. What the hell.”
Josy followed him. “And now you know why it’s life-or-death.”
“I think I’m going to be sick. Yes, that sounds right. I believe I need to close the store down early today and go home. I’ll leave a note on the door. I’ll put on my Yasser Arapants and get back in bed. I probably have a fever.”
Josy frowned. “You do look a little pale.”
Gustavo bent over, putting his head between his knees. “Is the room getting smaller? It feels like it’s getting smaller.”
Josy looked around. “I don’t think so? It looks the same size to me.”
“I smell lemons. Is that a sign of a stroke? Everything smells like lemons!”
Josy sniffed. “No, I smell lemons too. Unless we’re both having a stroke. Oh no! Are we both having strokes?”
Gustavo stood upright. “No. Well, maybe. But I just remembered that I was cleaning the counters before you got here. And the disinfectant wipes smelled like lemons. I hate them, but Casey had a coupon for them, and he said that using coupons made him feel like an adult, so I didn’t say anything.”
“See! That’s what I want, but with Quincy!”
“You want… lemon-scented disinfectant wipes that you bought using a coupon?”
“With Quincy!” Josy exclaimed.
“And you really think I can help you with that.”
“Yeah, dude.”
“Don’t call me dude. If I do this, you have to promise me to never ask for my help with anything ever again.”
“What if I have to move and need your help?”
“Ask someone else.”
“What if I need a ride after my car breaks down?”
“Call a tow truck.”
“What if I get married one day and need you to be my best man?”
Gustavo flushed brightly. “That’s… that’s just dumb. I would never agree to such a thing. Why would you even say that? You have Xander and Serge and Casey for such frivolous things.”
“But what if I want you?”
“I don’t like speaking in front of crowds. I wouldn’t give a speech.”
“That’s okay,” Josy said. “Speeches are boring. We could do a choreographed dance instead.”
“Absolutely not. And the idea of planning a bachelor party gives me hives.”
“We can just watch TV and smoke out and eat Cheetos and waffles.”
“And I don’t like posing for pictures.”
“I won’t make you pose for anything.”
Gustavo looked relieved at that. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “I’ll be your best man. Thank you. That was very nice of you to ask.”
Josy beamed at him. “Thanks, man! God, I’m so happy you agreed. I can’t believe I’m getting married and—” He felt the blood rush from his face. “Oh no.”
“What is it?”
“Gustavo!”
“What!”
“I’m not getting married! I haven’t even figured out how to ask him if we can date for real!”
“Then why would you even ask me?” Gustavo demanded.
“I don’t know!”
“Oh my god. What the hell. Now I have to make sure you and Quincy date and fall in love so that I can be the best man. This is quite possibly the worst day of my life.”
“Yes!” Josy bellowed, pumping his fist. Then, “How are you going to do that?”
Gustavo stared off into the distance, a look of pain crossing his face. “I’m going to have to do something I swore I’d never do again.”
Josy felt goose bumps prickle along his arms and the back of his neck. “What’s that?”
Gustavo Tiberius squared his shoulders. “I have to ask the Internet for help. To the laptop!”
RECORDING OF a customer call taken by Pacific Northwest Cable technical support representative Mitzi Reniger on 11/20/15 at 12:41 P.M. THIS RECORDING IS USED FOR INTERNAL REVIEW ONLY. DO NOT RELEASE RECORDINGS TO THE PUBLIC.
“Thank you for calling Pacific Northwest Cable technical support. This is Mitzi, and this call may be recorded for quality assurance. How may I provide you with exceptional technical support today?”
“Hello, Mitzi.”
“No. No, it can’t be. It’s not possible—”
“Mitzi, Mitzi, Mitzi. It’s always possible.”
“I helped you. I gave you the Internet when you asked. I canceled it for you at your request. And then when you called back to have it set up again, I did it without complaint. I was done. I was safe. I switched to technical support so I would never—”
“You know who this is.”
“I should have known. I should have known I couldn’t hide. That no matter where I went, you would find me.”
“Say it. Say my name.”
“Gustavo Tiberius.”
“Yes, this is Gustavo Tiberius, a customer of Pacific Northwest Cable’s Super Xtreme Broadband Internet Service with Megacheck Security. And I am not having a cabletastic day, in case you were wondering.”
“Hi! I’m Josy! I’m also here too. You’re on speakerphone! It’s nice to meet you, Mitzi! I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“Are you the asexual hipster?”
“Um, no? I’m the demisexual hipster.”
“There are more of you?”
“Mitzi! Ignore him! Focus on the sound of my voice! I am having connection issues, and I need your assistance. My account number is—”
“Oh, I know your account number. It’s been forever burned into my memory. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
“Oh, well. That’s good, if a little intrusive. Then if you please, pull up my account so we can move forward with this farce. The sooner you do, the sooner I can once again forget that you exist.”
“There is nothing I would want more.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said, just one moment and I’ll be happy to assist you, Mr. Tiberius.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“Mitzi. Mitzi!”
“Yes… Josy, was it?”
“Yeah, that’s me. How’s your day going?”
“I don’t quite know now. Surreal is probably the best I can come up with.”
“Oh. That’s… deep.”
“Josy, would you stop talking to her and let her focus? I can’t be sure that multitasking is in her wheelhouse. Or even near her wheelhouse.”
“What’s a wheelhouse?”
“It’s a—it’s when you—it’s just an expression. Would you stop talking?”
“Your ears are really red.”
“Josy!”
“Mr. Tiberius, I have your account pulled up. What seems to be the problem?”
“It’s about time. My problem, Mitzi, is that I’m attempting to connect to the Internet with the service you have provided me, but it’s not letting me. It says I have connectivity problems.”
“That’s an understatement.”
“What was that?”
“I said, that so
unds terrible. I would be happy to help you as best I can. At what location are you trying to connect? I see we have three separate routers set up for you. Your residence, your place of business, and something called… Baked-Inn & Eggs. Is that a restaurant?”
“Are you stalking me, Mitzi?”
“Absolutely not, Mr. Tiberius.”
“Then why have you gathered so much information about me? What kind of racket is this? You’ll never get what you want! I’ll burn everything to the ground before I let you find—mmph!”
“Hi, Mitzi! It’s Josy again. Sorry about that. We’re at the video store. And Baked-Inn & Eggs is Gustavo’s boyfriend’s 420-friendly bed-and-breakfast.”
“The asexual hipster.”
“Yeah, dude. That’s him. Wow. You sure seem to know a lot about them. What great customer service. We will gladly take the survey at the end of the call to rate your performance. You’re a ten in my book.”
“Unhand me, Josy! Take your hand from my person, you—”
“Thank you. That’s very kind. I am happy to know you think I’ve provided you with ten-level service.”
“Do not get an undeserved sense of accomplishment, Mitzi. Oh my god, you have yet to solve my problems. Josy, you sit there and do not speak. Mitzi, connect me or I shall cancel my Internet again. I really will!”
“Please. No. Anything but that.”
“Are you mocking me, Mitzi?”
“Of course not, Mr. Tiberius. I wouldn’t dare. Now, what seems to be the problem?”
“I can’t connect! And if I can’t connect, I won’t be able to look up online how to find out how a demisexual hipster can turn accidental dating into real dating with the twitchy director. And if I can’t do that, then I can’t make Josy leave me alone!”
“….”
“Mitzi?”
“….”
“Mitzi!”
“How are you a real person?”
“Excuse me?”
“I just don’t—I don’t get it. Years. I have done this for years. And I have never come across someone like you. I told my therapist there are days I think I’ve made you up, that you can’t possibly be real. But here you are. A voice on the other end of the line and I don’t know how you can exist.”
“Maybe if you spent less time with your pseudophilosophical quandaries and more time on fixing my Internet, you wouldn’t have to worry about it! You’re not some grad student sitting on a quad with a hacky sack and a beret!”
