by TJ Klune
Roger Fuller, my grandad, returns to the screen after a long absence. And he has found depths within himself that I didn’t even know were possible. He will bring you to tears.
There are three women who play… oracles, of sorts. They have never acted in front of a camera in their lives and yet make it seem effortless.
There are a bunch of smaller roles, some of which are only a single line. But each of the actors has given it their all.
And then there’s Josiah Erickson. He plays a character named Liam. And I’m not being hyperbolic when I say this actor is a revelation. I think some people are old souls, and you can tell just by looking at them. It’s something in their eyes, a brightness that you can’t find anywhere else. That’s Josy. Remember that name, because I know it’s going to be everywhere soon enough. And I can’t wait to see just how far he goes.
It’s not all better. Anxiety and depression don’t work that way. There are days even now when I struggle to breathe. However, if I could have you remember one thing, it would be this: There are bad days, yes, and they may be many. But they become but shadows in the sunshine of the good days. The days when you remember that you’re worth something. When you have people who think you matter. When you push yourself out of bed even though it’s hard because you know it’s the right thing to do.
You are important.
You are worth everything.
You matter.
Never, ever forget that.
Q-Bert
PS: Thanks for your patience on a new book. In three weeks I’ll be releasing a brand-new story called My Billionaire Boss is a Coffee Mug and Asked for Two of My Creams. Here is the cover. Yes, that is a half-naked man holding a gigantic coffee cup with a face superimposed on it. Pre-orders are now available at the links below!
HE POUNDED furiously on the door.
It took a moment before the porch light came on. The door opened, and Casey and Gustavo stood blinking blearily out at him. Casey was wearing shorts. Gustavo had on his Yasser Arapants.
“The prophecy has been fulfilled!” Josy exclaimed wildly.
“Do you have any idea what time it is?” Gustavo snapped.
“Uh, no?” Josy pushed his way into the house. “I had to wait until Quincy fell asleep so he didn’t suspect that I know what I think I know about knowing what he thinks.”
“That… huh.” Casey rubbed a hand over his face as Gustavo closed the door. “I actually understood that. I might still be dreaming.”
“He likes me!” Josy cried. “And he also wrote a book about a rich coffee cup wanting to have sex with one of its employees in what I expect is a searing look at power dynamics in the workplace.”
They stared at him.
“The liking-me thing is the more important part of what I just said,” Josy said hastily.
Gustavo’s eyebrows did that thing they always did. “You asked him?”
“Well, no. But still! All the signs are there, just like the Internet said.”
Casey sighed. “Please tell me you didn’t go to Gustavo and both of you went online to look up how to figure out if Quincy liked you.”
Gustavo said, “No,” while Josy said, “Sure did!” at the same time.
Casey did something Josy didn’t expect.
He took Gustavo’s face in his hands, stared at him for a moment, then leaned forward and kissed him. It wasn’t that Josy didn’t see them show each other affection. Anyone who knew them as well as he did could see just how much they loved each other. But Josy also knew that Casey didn’t like kissing all that much. Even Gustavo seemed a little surprised.
“Man,” Casey said as he pulled away, “you are just… I don’t even know. I love you. You’re such a dweeb, and I love you more than anything. You dork.”
Gustavo blushed as he scowled. “Oh my god. I’m not a dweeb. Or a dork. What the hell.” He glanced at Josy, then looked back at Casey. He leaned forward and kissed Casey on the cheek. “I love you too. Shut up.”
“This is so special,” Josy said. “But can we talk about me some more? Because I don’t know what to do now.”
“He likes you,” Casey said. “You like him. You tell him.”
“Or we could look on the Internet again just to make sure,” Josy said.
Gustavo glared at him. “Which you could have done back at the B and B without coming here and waking us up.”
Josy grinned. “I don’t know why I like it so much when you say B and B. It’s, like, so anti-you.”
“That’s it. Leave.”
“But I need you!”
“You don’t,” Gustavo retorted. “You can look up stuff on your own. I have already had my fill of the Internet for the month.”
“But—”
“No.”
Casey sighed. “Better help him, man. That’s his I’m-not-leaving face. I’ve seen it a few times before.”
Josy had no idea what Casey was talking about but figured he might as well run with it. “Exactly. This is that face.” He frowned. Then his nose itched. Then he sneezed. Then he stroked his beard. He wasn’t leaving.
“Oh my god,” Gustavo muttered. “This is—I can’t wait until every one of you Hollywood people goes back to California where you belong. People don’t need to worry about millennials killing everything off because I’m going to kill all millennials.” He stalked toward the bedroom.
“Wow,” Josy said, impressed. “That was a pretty woke thing to say.”
“Yeah,” Casey said. “He’s learning. He likes to pretend he’s not, but he is. I caught him looking up pop culture news the other day after I told him about an actor I liked for a role in the next Hungering Moon movie.”
“Whoa. Really?”
“Yeah. It was sweet. Until he accidentally clicked on a link for the actor’s alleged sex tape. That’s why he’s had his fill of the Internet. The actor was very… enthusiastic in getting an arm shoved up inside him.”
“I don’t understand fisting.”
Casey shrugged. “I don’t understand sex, but to each his own.” He picked up Harry S. Truman, who was winding his way between Casey’s legs.
Before Josy could ask who the actor was (he had an idea or two—you could tell sometimes by the way they walked), Gustavo returned, his scowl ever-present, his ancient laptop in his hands.
“If I help you do this, you don’t get to ask me for anything ever again,” he told Josy.
Josy rolled his eyes. “We both know that’s not gonna happen, man.”
“Whatever.” He sat down in his recliner and booted up the laptop. Casey sprawled on the couch and almost immediately started dozing, Harry S. Truman curled against his chest while Josy sat on the recliner’s armrest.
“I don’t know what to ask the website,” Josy admitted. “I’ve never really been here before. Not when it mattered.”
“I know what to ask,” Gustavo muttered. “And if you tell anyone I said that, I’ll deny it and ban you from Abby.”
“What? You can’t do that!”
“Watch me.”
“Ugh. Fine. You have my word, dude.”
“Don’t call me dude.” Gustavo didn’t type in the web address like Josy expected. Instead, he pulled up the Favorites tab and clicked on a link already bookmarked.
When Josy saw what came up in the browser, he started laughing.
“Shut up,” Gustavo snapped.
“Oh man,” Josy said, wiping his eyes. “You’re the best.”
HOW TO TELL YOUR CRUSH YOU LIKE THEM
Congratulations! You have found yourself in a position of love, and it seems like it could possibly be reciprocated. What a wonderful feeling, isn’t it? You find yourself walking down the street, and there’s an extra little spring in your step. The sun is shining, and the birds are singing and—
Uh-oh.
Hold on a second.
There’s a problem!
You haven’t yet told your crush about it!
Oh, there’s fleeting glances and secret smile
s. They touch your shoulder and your hand, and maybe they even share their fried pork wontons, even though everyone knows fried pork wontons are the greatest food in the world.
So what are you going to do about it? What are you going to say to make sure your crush understands the depths of your feelings?
This guide will provide easy steps to make sure that you and your crush are on your way to living a happily ever after like you deserve. But, as always, keep in mind that if you’re mistaken and/or a stalker, it’s not right to pursue the object of your desires if the feelings are not returned. If you’re mistaken, apologize and back off. We’ll discuss that more in part one. If you’re a stalker, please click on HOW TO TURN YOURSELF IN TO THE LOCAL POLICE or HOW TO SURVIVE IN FEDERAL PRISON.
“Whoa,” Josy breathed. “Click on that last one.”
“No,” Gustavo said. “We can’t. It’s a trap. Trust me. I’ve been there before. I learned things about cats I never wanted to know. We have to resist.”
It was probably for the best.
REJECTION
Sometimes things don’t turn out the way we expect them to. Maybe we misread signals or mistake friend gestures for flirting. It’s okay. It happens to the best of us. But it’s what happens next that separates the good from the bad. Remember: if a person doesn’t return your affection, it’s not the end of the world, even if it feels like an atomic bomb was just dropped on your heart. If you were rebuffed, you should still be proud of yourself for being confident enough to express your desires. If your crush says no, respect that and put some distance between the two of you. It’ll help in the long run. Some of examples of responses are as follows:
—Cool, my guy. I respect that. I’m just going to go help build a house with Habitat for Humanity in a foreign country for six to eight weeks.
—Hey, friend, you are a good person. Thanks for listening. If you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a plane to Disney World for a planned family reunion.
“Oh my god,” Josy moaned, face in his hand. “What if I’m wrong and he rejects me? I have to go all the way to Florida? But that’s, like, one of the worst places in the world!”
“I know,” Gustavo said, squinting at the screen. “We’ll send you to Alabama instead or something.”
Josy sighed in relief. “Good. Anywhere but Florida.”
LOOK YOUR BEST
Appearances aren’t everything, but if you are planning on telling your crush how you feel, it’s best that you present yourself in a manner that shows you value cleanliness and hygiene. At the same time, don’t be too obvious about it. If you normally dress casually, do not go out and buy a suit. If your wardrobe consists of business attire, do not buy cargo shorts and Crocs to show how “laid-back” you can be. There is nothing “laid-back” about Crocs.
You don’t want your crush to think you’re trying too hard to impress them. They might immediately notice something has changed and call you out on it before you’re ready to talk about it.
Consider your wardrobe: What do you own that shows you’re cool and confident, while also saying you’re just a regular person who might be interested in dating? Perhaps it’s a scarf. Or maybe it’s a pair of knitted trousers.
“Oh thank Christ. I finally have an excuse to wear my tweed suit coat over an ironic printed T-shirt I got a thrift store, skinny jeans, and the fedora I bought at the swap meet two years ago. Everything’s coming up Josy!”
“Oh my god,” Gustavo muttered. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
TIME AND PLACE
As the saying goes, there’s a time and place for everything. You could get up from wherever you’re reading this and go find your crush and tell them right this second, but where’s the fun in that? It helps, especially if you’re nervous, to have it planned out. Pick a time and place to speak to your crush about your feelings. That way you’ll know when it’s going to happen, giving yourself time to think about what you’re going to say.
Don’t do it through a phone call or text message. It’s impersonal, misses the nuances that a face-to-face conversation will have.
Also, when thinking about where and when to do it, consider the following: If you go to the residence of your crush, you might feel uncomfortable if you’re rejected. Blinded by tears, you might get lost in their house if you’re not familiar with the layout, which will end up making things worse.
It’s best to pick a neutral setting, like a coffee shop or a zoo. Perhaps there is a farmers’ market you could both attend, or a festival celebrating the opposite of what a holiday actually entails put on by people coming from a place of privilege. That way, if it doesn’t go the way you anticipate, you can thank the person for their time and go find a stall that sells pie to make yourself feel better.
“The No-Thanks Giving Festival,” Josy whispered.
Gustavo frowned. “That did get oddly specific for only a potential situation. But it’s….” He leaned toward the computer screen. Then, “Hello? Can you hear me?”
“Yes,” the computer said in a robotic voice. “I can hear everything you say, Gustavo Tiberius.”
Gustavo and Josy screamed.
Casey laughed. “Got you. Man, you guys are so easy.” He rolled over to face the back of the couch, Harry S. Truman chittering softly.
THE ACT OF TELLING
Okay, so you look good. You’ve picked a time and place. You’re ready to do this.
What next?
Two things.
First, you need to figure out what you’re going to say.
Second, you need to figure out how to say it.
Ah, love. Love is splendid thing. But it has razed cities and brought even the greatest of men to their knees. It can be difficult to even get the words out, even if it’s not quite love yet. But even a very strong affection is hard to articulate.
There are several ways to go about this. If you are of the humorous sort, open with a good joke. Nothing puts people at ease like shared laughter. It’s best to avoid puns, because some people think puns are the lowest form of humor. Try to avoid sensitive topics such as politics, race, sex, or male-female dynamics.
For example, what do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time!
Or, if you’re feeling a little more confident: A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?” The horse replies, “My alcoholism is destroying my family.”
However, it should be noted that if you are not of the humorous sort, it’s best to avoid trying to tell a joke, as it could fall flat.
Think of what your strengths are and build upon that.
Once you’re both at ease, it’s time for the main event.
It’s scary. Putting yourself out there usually is. Maybe you need a big declaration. Maybe you want to put together a flash mob where people randomly start dancing around you until you join in, even if you’re not the best dancer.
Maybe you know magic tricks and can conjure up a flower out of thin air and present it to your crush.
Big declarations are cool and all, but you know what?
Sometimes the biggest declaration can come from the smallest of actions.
Sometimes it can be very simple.
Sometimes all you need to say is, “I think you’re wonderful. There is no one in the world like you, and I can’t imagine not being by your side. I’m not going to tell you a joke about an alcoholic horse, because you’re already smiling, and that’s all I could ever ask for.”
And that’s where the how comes in. Because all the jokes and fancy tricks and pretty words mean nothing if there’s no heart behind it. You have to believe in yourself and what you’re saying. Love is scary. It’s intimidating and can rip our hearts from our chests.
But it is also kind and warm and makes this crazy thing we call life that much brighter.
You can do this.
I know you can.
Because love is important, and you deserve to be loved.
Good luck!
CASEY WAS snori
ng softly on the couch when Gustavo closed the laptop. He handed it to Josy as he stood. He walked over to the couch and stood above Casey, staring down at him and Harry S. Truman with a strange look on his face.
Finally he said, “I didn’t think I could have something like this.”
“Like what? Casey?”
He nodded. “After… after Pastor Tommy died, I was a little lost. I remember the day it happened. I came home and the house was so quiet. Normally when Pastor Tommy was home, you could always tell where he was. Either he’d be singing or messing around in the kitchen or yelling at House Hunters on the television. He always thought the stupidest people were on that show. It’s probably for the best he didn’t live to see Tiny House Hunters, because those people are even worse, oh my god. They actually go into something called a tiny house and complain how small it is.”
Josy smiled but didn’t speak.
Gustavo sighed. “And it stayed quiet for a long time. Even with the We Three Queens and Lottie, it was… I don’t know. A half life, I think.”
“And then you found Casey.”
“And then I found Casey,” Gustavo agreed. “I didn’t get him at first. And when I tried to, it only made things worse. Because I thought I needed to be someone different. But you know what?”
“You didn’t.”
“No. I didn’t. Because he liked me for the me I was and not the me I was trying to be.”
“That makes so much sense, dude. Like, you don’t even know.”
“Does it?”
“Yeah. You’re very likable for the you you are, not the you you’re not.”
“Right. That’s exactly right. I didn’t know that. But I learned. I can be abnormal and weird and strange, and that’s okay with him.”
Casey snored loudly.
Then Gustavo Tiberius changed everything. “I lied to you about something. About the rings I was looking up. I’m going to ask him to marry me.”
