by Dana Mason
She sat and reached for the advertisements in the morning paper. “I feel bad for taking Ryan’s bed. I guess he’s on the couch.”
“Don’t feel bad,” Ryan said, stepping into the kitchen. He was shirtless and still in his jeans. Long ends of messy, brown hair curled out from under a knit beanie. He wasn’t covered in tattoos, but he had plenty. The most remarkable one was probably the eagle across his upper abs with its wings spread wide and wing tips wrapping around to his back. He had his mom’s name and a beautiful, artful rose over his heart. When he turned toward the coffee pot to pour a cup, she glimpsed the tattoo between his shoulder blades. The original song lyric stood out on his sun-kissed skin: live who you are and you’ll miss nothing
With all of Ryan’s tattoos, she loved this one the most. It was Ryan to the core. He knew exactly what he wanted and what he didn’t. Ryan’s personality was somewhere in between Wade and Lucas. He was a player with the ladies, but not quite as bad as Wade. While Ryan enjoyed women, and he did plenty of sleeping around, Bailey thought it had more to do with his fear of commitment. He liked having someone to hang out with, but he never, ever committed himself to a relationship.
When Ryan smiled at Bailey, his hazel eyes looked glassy and tired.
“Good morning,” Bailey said.
Wade stood and said, “I’m outta here. I got a hot date with a beer cooler, a fishing pole, and my boat.”
When Wade was gone, Bailey, Lucas, and Ryan had breakfast together, although she hardly ate, her stomach felt uneasy after all the tequila she drank the night before.
“How’re you feeling?” Ryan asked as she pushed the potatoes around on her plate.
“I’m…” She nodded, not meeting his gaze. “Doing okay.”
“Headache? I have some aspirin.”
“Not too bad. The coffee helped. Did you sleep okay on the couch?”
“Yeah, it was fine. How ‘bout you?”
She smiled. “You changed the sheets. Thank you. That wasn’t necessary. I would’ve slept fine either way.”
“No, you wouldn’t. I know how you are. You didn’t clean my room again, did you?”
Bailey chuckled. “No, not really.” She met his bright, hazel eyes. “Did you help me undress last night?”
He looked startled. “No, I left you in your dress. I figured it was the same as sleeping in a nightgown. Why?”
She waved her hand. “Never mind. I must’ve taken it off myself.”
Ryan smirked. “You really don’t remember anything, do you?”
“Shut up,” she said, making Lucas laugh at her. Bailey brought her hand to her face. “I remember most of the night, but just in case, I wanted to make sure I went to bed alone…and clothed.”
“You did,” he said, peering at her from over his coffee mug. “Are you sure you’re okay? You can go back to bed. I don’t mind if you—”
She waved a dismissive hand. “I’m fine. I need to get home and clean up so I can go work on the house.”
“What time should I be there?”
“I’m available, too,” Lucas said and stood to place the dishes in the sink. “I don’t have any plans today.”
“I can’t ask you guys to give up your Saturday to help me clean out Mom’s house.”
“Shut up. What time?” Ryan said.
Bailey could always rely on her friends. She knew that, but she still felt like she’d lost her footing, as if a rug had been pulled out from under her. Her lack of extended family had always made her lonely when hearing about other people’s large families, but now, without her mother, it seemed to emphasize how pathetic it all was. Everything seemed less sweet without her. Now that she didn’t have her mom, the world was gray when it used to be in technicolor.
Watching Ryan finish his breakfast, she realized her world wasn’t completely gray. She still had some color; it was just a little faded. Ryan had the broadest smile. It took over his face and shined in his eyes when it was sincere. She missed that and his light heart almost as much as she missed her mom. When she looked at him, the sadness reflected back at her was a reminder of their loss.
“I was thinking”—she looked at the clock on the microwave—“afternoon. Maybe around one? Is that okay?”
They both nodded. “It’s fine, Bay,” Ryan said.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.”
He shrugged. “You’ll never have to know.”
Bailey was reminded of the conversation she and Mae had about Ryan promising her mother he’d watch out for her. At least the entire night wasn’t a loss. She remembered some of it. “You know, Ryan, you don’t owe Mom anything.”
He knitted his brow. “I’m not sure why you just said that, but, yes, I do. I owe Helen my life. I would never have made it through school without her, and you, too, for that matter.”
Bailey stuck her chin out. “Well, I’m okay, and I’ll make it through this just fine.”
“I know you will.”
As if uncomfortable with the conversation, Lucas stood and laid his empty plate in the sink. “Ryan, I cooked, so you get the dishes. I’ll see you guys around one.”
“Bye, Lucas. Thanks for breakfast,” Bailey said.
He squeezed her shoulder. “My pleasure. See you.”
Ryan waited until Lucas was gone before saying, “Why are you trying to reassure me that you’re okay? I already know that. I’m not worried.”
“You’re a bad liar. I know you’re worried.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Mae told me you promised Mom you’d look after me.”
“Bay, do you think I need a promise to do that? I’ve always looked out for you, and you’ve always looked out for me. I told Helen what she needed to hear so she’d rest easy, but I’m here for you regardless.”
Bailey nodded, holding her breath until she knew she could talk without crying. “This must be hard for you, too. It has to feel like losing a second mother.”
He shook his head and stood to clear the dishes. “I’ve had a long time to deal with losing my mom. I had you and my dad and Helen—my music. I’m okay. I just want to help with stuff, for you and for Helen.”
“That’s fine if it’s something you want and not an obligation.”
“I should punch you just for saying that.” He slapped the handle on the faucet to shut it off and turned toward her. “You need to stop before you piss me off.”
“It’s not like you owe me anything.” She picked up a towel and nodded toward the sink for him to keep washing.
He crossed his arms over his bare chest. “Fuck you, and fuck this conversation. Don’t insult me with the I don’t need you act, Bay.”
She dropped her fist on her hips. “It’s not an act.”
He reached out, grabbed her, and pulled her to his chest. “Stop it. You don’t need to put these walls up for me. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to miss her, even if you’re mad at her. It’s okay to show your feelings—especially with me. I know you better, so get over it.”
Bailey closed her eyes and sank into Ryan’s warm, familiar embrace. How did he always know what she was feeling? He was like a tuning fork to her needs, and right now, she needed that hug so bad, she could hardly breathe. She tucked her head under his chin and let the tension slip from her body.
When she knew her voice wouldn’t waver, she said, “It’s not okay. I have to be strong. I’m not a kid anymore. My parents are gone, and I’m on my own.”
“You have me, my dad, Wade, Lucas, and Mae. You’re not on your own. We’re all here to help you get through this.”
She reluctantly pulled away, clearing her throat. “I know, and I’m fine, but I need to go get cleaned up. I’ll see you later.” She ducked around him and walked out so he wouldn’t see her tears.
“I’ll see you at one,” he bellowed as she walked out the front door.
CHAPTER FOUR
Bailey stood in the middle of the mess, her nerves so on edge, little electric pulses surged her system, making her
itch. There were piles and piles of crap everywhere—stacks of bills, paperback novels, and old newspapers. Her mother had refused to throw anything away, and Bailey’s innate sense of organization was sending her system into shock.
It had been years since her mother had thoroughly cleaned this house, and as badly as Bailey wanted to be angry with her, she missed her just as much. Her mother had been an eccentric free spirit, amazingly creative, and the complete opposite of Bailey. But those differences didn’t make her any less precious to Bailey.
Bailey hadn’t been ready to plan a funeral and accept condolences. It drained her and left her empty, stripped of all her security and everything she had ever known. What did she have left? An empty, disastrous home she wasn’t ready to deal with—and an exposed secret. Helen had to have known she’d open that trunk. So why not just tell her the truth before it was too late?
She ripped her gloves off and scratched at every inch of exposed skin. After only an hour of working, dust had lodged in her nose and eyelids. She could quit; her mother had been buried only four days ago, so surely she had an excuse to wait.
With a flourish, she jerked the heavy drapes open and cracked the window for some fresh air. She placed her hands on her hips and stared out at the lake. The midday sun was shining off the water, turning it a deep blue. The view helped her relax a little. She’d grown up here, and while she had lost her parents, at least she still had her family home. She needed to remember that and stop feeling sorry for herself. The Mortons had taken her in and given her everything, and she loved them with her whole heart. She was grateful, but she was also extremely curious about where she’d come from. And why? Why had she been left in their yard all those years ago?
The beach and park behind the house were full of people. Some sunbathing, some playing Frisbee or splashing around in the cold lake water. Several people were out in canoes and paddleboards, floating around. With summer in full force, South Lake Tahoe was starting to get crowded with tourists coming into town. She wished it was her. She’d much rather be out there, enjoying the Lake Tahoe summer than inside her mother’s house, mourning and missing her.
South Lake Tahoe had become her home at the young age of four. She didn’t remember much of anything before they’d left Wisconsin and moved into this house. She’d grown up here. She learned how to swim across the street from her parents’ four-bedroom mountain home. She learned about love and loss here, too. She closed her eyes and remembered her dad pushing her on the swings at the beach park.
How lucky had she been, really, to grow up thirty yards from one of the lake’s prettiest beaches? She needed to remember that, and the wonderful times she’d spent with them here. She needed to forget her mother’s illness and the day, fifteen years ago, when she lost her father to a massive heart attack. Twelve was an awfully young age to lose a parent.
She turned her back on the view and faced the awful eighties-style furniture. She couldn’t walk away from the mess. Her sense of right and wrong, of logic, wouldn’t allow her to leave things like this. With some clutter clearing, the house would be good as new. She just needed a plan, a starting place. One room at a time. Then one day at a time. She grabbed her caddy of cleaning supplies and a box of garbage bags to head upstairs but stopped when a knock sounded on the screen door. She turned and couldn’t believe her eyes when they landed on Dex.
“Hi,” she said, unable to hide her surprise. She held the heavy screen door open for him to enter the house.
“I stopped by your place early this morning, but you weren’t there.” He looked her up and down then pulled her into an intense hug, holding her tightly for a long time. When he pulled away, he said, “I missed you, and I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” He closed his eyes and exhaled heavily. “I’m sorry about your mom. I’m sorry I wasn’t here all week to help you get through this. I’m so, so sorry about last night.”
“Thank you,” she said, taken by surprise. She was ready to be really angry with him, but he seemed so sincere.
“I couldn’t get here last night, but I’m here now, and I’ll do you whatever you need to help you get through this. How are you? I’ve been worried.”
She stared at his chest and debated whether she should tell him what she had found out about her parents. “You were worried about me?” She lifted one eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes, of course. You don’t believe me?”
“It’s just hard to believe, Dex. I mean, this has been one of the hardest times in my life, and I could hardly even get you on the phone this week.”
“I know, and I am truly sorry. I can’t control what goes down at work, and this just happened to be one of those weeks. But I’m here now, babe, for whatever you need.” He glanced down at the cleaning caddy she abandoned when he came in the door. “You’re cleaning? Today?”
“I have to get this house cleaned out then figure out what to do with it.”
“What do you mean by cleaned out? Are you selling the place?”
She shrugged, meeting his eyes. “I’m not ready to give it up.”
Dex leaned in and trailed a line of soft kisses down her cheek to her neck. His fingers slid through her hair, causing goosebumps to erupt on her skin. “Why don’t you let me take care of it for you?” He breathed in her ear. “I’ll hire a crew to come in and clean it out. I’ll make the minor repairs for you. Once it’s empty, you can decide.”
Bailey pulled back to see his face. “Thank you…really. It means a lot to me that you want to help, but I need to do it myself.”
“Why?” He shook her a little with his arms still braced around her. “You like the torture?”
“No, but I want to go through everything, decide what to keep and what to toss.” She rested her forehead on his chest.
“I can understand that, but that’s going to be really hard on you. It’s best to just get it over with. Rip the Band-Aid off quickly.” He leaned down, kissing her shoulder as he slid the strap of her tank top down. “I’m only trying to help. It’s no big deal to hire a cleaning crew. You don’t even have to throw anything out. They can pack it all up for you, and you can deal with it later.” His hand found her breast, and she pressed against him, enjoying his touch.
She couldn’t help but compare his embrace to Ryan’s. Dex was bigger, like a tower of strength, unyielding and rock hard. Ryan was tall, but a little softer, malleable, conforming around her like a cocoon or shelter. She loved the feel of both. Dex was more sexual, but Ryan—dare she say—Ryan was more sensual. His arms around her always made her feel comforted, like a warm blanket on a cold day.
“I missed you,” she whispered, sliding her hands up his shirt to touch the warm skin. “I’m so glad you’re here. I found something out…”
* * *
The front door was open to the fresh lake air when Ryan pulled the screen door handle and stepped inside. He didn’t see anyone, but he heard voices coming from upstairs. Mae must have come to help. He took the stairs two at a time, and when he reached the top, he knew it wasn’t Mae Bailey was arguing with.
“No, Bailey, I just think it would be a waste of time and resources. Do you know how much money a search like that can cost?”
“I don’t think spending money to find out where I come from is a waste.”
“You’re being childish. Do you doubt your mother loved you?”
“No, of course not. I just think it’s important to know the truth.”
Ryan stayed back and listened. It took all his self-control not to throttle Dex. What a dick. Did he have any idea how she was feeling? And to call her childish.
“I think it’s important to respect your mother’s memory.”
“Oh bullshit, Dex. You just don’t want to be bothered by it.”
“That’s such bullshit, and you know it. I’ve already offered to take care of the house for you, so don’t act like I’m not interested in helping,” he said.
“Exactly! A half hour ago, you were promising to help with whatever I need
ed. Now you’re shutting down any plan to search for answers.” She threw her hands up. “Fine, I don’t want your help. I don’t need it.”
“No, she doesn’t,” Ryan said, stepping into the room.
“Right,” Dex said. “Ryan to the rescue. Well, you’re both wasting your time. If the police couldn’t figure this out, what makes you think you can?”
Ryan stuffed his hands in his pockets and leaned against the doorframe. If he couldn’t hit the guy, he would need to restrain his hands. “Technology, DNA testing. They didn’t have that twenty-seven years ago, asshole.”
Dex took a step toward Ryan, but Bailey cut him off. “Stop, both of you.”
“No, let’s go,” Ryan said, pushing off the doorframe and throwing his hands out in invitation.
“You got it.” Dex sidestepped Bailey, and Ryan lurched forward. Before either made contact, Ryan was pulled back, arms restraining him from behind.
“Knock it off, ladies,” Lucas said, pulling Ryan back farther.
Bailey pushed Dex back with both hands on his chest. “Please stop.”
Lucas shoved Ryan aside and stood between them. “This isn’t helping.”
“Why don’t you both go to hell,” Bailey said before storming out of the room.
“Yeah, great. Now look what you did,” Lucas said, waving a hand at her back. “This is hard enough on her. Can you try to get along?”
Ryan held his hands up. “You’re right.” He made eye contact with Dex, who was looking morose, too.
“I’m not trying to hurt her,” Dex said. “I’m trying to help her move on. Looking for some lowlife pieces of shit who abandoned her isn’t going to help her get over losing her mother.”
“Then you don’t know Bailey very well.” Ryan glared at him. “She doesn’t stop. She barrels through headfirst until she gets what she wants.”
