by Dana Mason
The snow globe caught the light as she turned it around in her hand. She whispered, “Small and mighty, I need to let my voice be heard.” She certainly accomplished that tonight, at least she had with Dex. Now… Now she needed to figure out what to do about Ryan.
Bailey turned the key on the bottom of the snow globe and heard the familiar hymn as it tinkered out of the tiny speaker. She remembered the words her mother had sung along with them.
Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart feel lonely and long for Heav’n and home?
When Jesus is my portion? A constant Friend is He.
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches over me.
Helen had played the song a hundred times. Bailey even remembered her teaching Ryan how to play it on her piano. She would give anything to have her mother there now to talk to.
Oh, what she would trade for more time with her mother, if just a few moments. Not that it mattered. Bailey would use those moments to get answers, though that is the one gift her mother wouldn’t give her. And that hurt her more than anything. Helen should have prepared her for the truth.
Her mother must have been afraid of losing Bailey if she told her the truth. But why? If Bailey was abandoned and unloved by her biological family, what did Helen have to lose? What would it have hurt to tell Bailey the truth once Helen knew she was nearing the end of her life?
Feeling the loss of her mother and not knowing how to move forward with Ryan, she stripped off her clothes and crawled into bed alone.
She was the same…she and Ryan were the same. Just like Helen, they were afraid of telling each other the truth for fear of losing one another. The change in her feelings was something she couldn’t have predicted. And Ryan didn’t say anything, just sang her a bunch of love songs. She closed her eyes and tried to settle the swarm of butterflies in her stomach. Yeah, she realized not just anyone would sing her love songs. That was special. She took another deep breath and let it out slowly, letting that sink in for a moment. She was touched, but she was hurt, too. Hurt that he would scheme with Dex behind her back.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Ryan stood there like an idiot, waiting for Bailey to open the door. He pounded again, not wanting to wake her neighbors, but not willing to give up either. Her car was there, so he knew she was inside, hiding, pretending not to hear the door. He scanned the parking lot again but didn’t see Dex’s truck.
The look on her face when she realized he and Dex had made that deal behind her back, that expression would haunt him forever.
It was time. Simple as that. Bailey was a talker. She couldn’t function without working everything out. She needed organization; everything needed a place, even her feelings. Normally, this wasn’t an issue for Ryan. He had always been a talker, too. Just recently, though, he had lost his voice where Bailey was concerned. Clammed up and froze when it came time to telling her how he felt.
Fear was the only explanation for it. He feared losing her, the most important person in his life. Like her, he was afraid of too many things changing, but at this point, so many things had already changed, did it really matter anymore? Love had no guarantee. People left, people died, and that was something he couldn’t control. The only difference between today and yesterday was that now he was ready to relinquish that control. He was willing to risk everything if it meant having her.
The door flew open, and Ryan looked up. She didn’t meet his eyes.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hey…”
His stomach flipped a few somersaults, and, after a few moments of silence, he said, “May I come in?”
“Yes.”
He stepped in and looked around, relieved when he didn’t see Dex.
Bailey closed the door, leaving them in darkness. She reached over and clicked on a lamp. She still didn’t look into his eyes. Now he was nervous. God damn, he had never been nervous with Bailey before. It was Bailey, for Pete’s sake. He was an idiot.
“Bailey…”
When he said her name, she finally met his eyes. Hers were haunted and unhappy. His heart went from doing somersaults to nearly pounding out of his chest. He reached out for her, unable to stop himself. It was as if he moved in slow motion as she reached for him, too.
“I’m sorry.” His hands rested on the sides of her face, and he leaned down, inhaling her familiar scent. He wanted to touch her, remind himself how she felt in his arms. He cupped her cheeks, then her ears, until his hands trailed behind her head and around her neck. “I’m sorry for what I did. For talking to Dex and making that stupid deal.”
“I’m sorry, too,” Bailey whispered. “I’m sorry if I’ve been sending you mixed signals. I came to El Lago tonight to tell you how I feel. I didn’t know Dex was going to be there. I don’t want him, not at all. That’s completely over.”
“God, I’m so glad.” He rested his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel. I tried, but I couldn’t get the words out. Just like you, I was afraid of ruining what we have. I shouldn’t have played all those stupid songs. I should have just told you how I feel.”
“I loved the song, Ryan,” she cried. “I loved all the songs. They were so…honest and heartfelt. I loved them, but I would rather you talk to me.”
“I’m trying,” he said as tears dripped from her eyes. It hurt him to see it. “I’m so sorry for being a jerk after our night on the boat. I should have told you then.”
Her mouth turned into a frown. “Everything in my life had imploded, and then you…” She bounced on her heels and said, “I was so afraid of ruining our friendship, but I can’t pretend I don’t want more now.”
Ryan brushed the hair from her face and leaned in to kiss her. The warmth and acceptance he found was like a drug. With every taste, he wanted more. Fisting his hands in her hair, he lost himself in her. She just fit him. Her body complemented his in every way, like a perfectly fitted glove.
“Ryan, I need you.” Her hands slid under his shirt, and Ryan moaned, wishing he could rip the clothes off her. To hell with tenderness. He wanted her so bad, he thought his head was going to explode.
He released her hair and quickly pulled at his shirt until the buttons released. Then he grabbed the bottom of her nightgown and jerked it over her head. His hands went directly to her breasts; he couldn’t help it. The last time he’d touched her like this, he was wasted, and now he wanted the memory to go along with the feeling.
Bailey tugged the button open on his jeans, sending a nervous pulse through his system. The feel of her hands and the way she wanted him made him want to sing from the rooftops. She was so perfect like this, against him, holding him. How had they gone so long as friends and not become lovers sooner?
When his jeans dropped to the floor, he gripped her rear and pulled her closer. He stepped out of his jeans and, with a swift tug, lifted Bailey off her feet. He carried her to the bedroom before laying her on the bed. He pushed up to look at her. Light from the full moon shone through the window, and he could see everything.
She was glowing, the misery gone. Her face was now pink with pleasure.
Bailey reached up, tipped the hat off his head, and ran her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and fought to keep from purring like a cat. When he leaned in and covered her nipple with his mouth, she pushed up, rubbing against him.
“Why?” she stammered but inhaled a gasp when he nipped at her with his teeth.
“Why did we wait so long to do this?” he finished for her.
“Yeah…why?”
“It doesn’t matter now,” he whispered, coming up to kiss the skin below her ear. “I’ve always wondered what you tasted like right here.” He nipped her lobe and cupped the other side of her neck to keep her from squirming away.
Bailey’s hand slid over the planes of his bare chest, pulling his attention back to her. She watched the movement as he watched her eyes. The look of longing on her face was a new
expression to him. Of all her smiles and all her frowns, Ryan thought he knew everything about her and every look she ever wore, but this one was new to him. He leaned in and kissed her lips, then her jaw, following down to her naked breast. When he sucked her nipple into his mouth, she let out a quiet whimper.
God, he never thought he could have this.
Bailey, like this, had always been unreachable. He had fantasized, but this was beyond anything he thought possible. The fear of losing her had always held him back. He kissed her bare stomach. Her skin was warm to the touch and smelled faintly of jasmine soap. “Bailey,” he whispered. “I’m breaking my promise. Things between us are changing.”
When Bailey cried his name, he tilted his head to look at her face. Her eyes were closed tightly, her chin out and bottom lip clenched between her teeth. The sight was so sexy, he nearly thrust inside her that moment.
He pushed up and hovered over her just as she opened her eyes. Her gaze seared into him. “I want this. I want you. I can’t pretend anymore,” he whispered.
He lowered himself, penetrating her, his eyes still locked on hers. She gripped his hips, and a dreamy look crossed her face, another one he had never seen before. There were so many things he still had to explore with her. The prospect was so appealing, he felt impatient to finish and move on to the next adventure.
Bailey finally relaxed her arch and met his rhythm with her hips, encouraging him to continue. He did, slowly at first, but when her expression became more urgent, and she pushed harder against him, he plunged deeper and faster.
She was beautiful, like the sunrise over the Sierras, shadowed at first, then glowing brighter by the second.
Bailey moved with him, her eyes staying focused on his. The intimacy normally would have scared him away, but not this time. This was Bailey. His Bailey. He had sworn to watch out for her, and always be there when she needed him. Now those needs had changed. His needs, as well. He wanted more of her, more of everything she had to offer.
When her eyes closed and her mouth opened into an O, he felt her tighten around him, her nails biting his skin. He thrust hard, and she cried out, her legs coming up around his hips. He took her mouth, waiting to taste her pleasure, and the sensation sent him with her. With one last drive forward, he lost his mind.
Ryan collapsed next to her. He shifted slightly, but he didn’t pull out. He wasn’t ready to break the bond between them. Her arms came around him and held on tightly, as if she, too, wanted to stay that way. They lay locked together, the room silent except for the sound of their heavy breathing and the humming air conditioner. When Bailey relaxed, so did he, leaning back to look at her face. The afterglow face. He smiled. Duly noted. Then he pushed the hair off her cheek and kissed her slowly.
She shifted and focused her eyes on his face. “This is so surreal.”
“I know.”
She grew quiet. Ryan wasn’t sure how he felt about that, and he wondered what she thought of his broken promise. He couldn’t continue to pretend his feelings hadn’t changed for her, but maybe he shouldn’t have told her that yet. The fact was, his feelings hadn’t changed. Deep down, he had always wanted her. He had always loved her.
“I’m a little afraid,” he said into the silence, the admission relieving some of his anxiety.
“What are you afraid of?”
“Honestly, a lot of things.” He shifted and pulled the sheet over them.
She propped herself up on her elbow and said, “Tell me.”
How could he admit his feelings for her, after all this time? Years of loving her and wanting her, kept in the closet. He was as bad as Helen for lying to her. Would she understand or be angry about the last few weeks?
He lifted his hand into a shrug then dropped it. “What do you want me to say?”
She pushed off the mattress to sit up. “This isn’t about what I want you to say. It’s about what you need to say.”
When she turned to place her feet on the floor, he reached out for her. “You know I’m having trouble with this.”
“Just start talking.”
“I don’t want to lose you. I want to—I don’t know—move forward.” He glared at her. “I want this, but, like you, I also don’t want things to change. I don’t want to lose you, Bailey.”
She didn’t laugh, but he could tell she wanted to. “All those beautiful lyrics you write for strangers in the club, and yet you have so much trouble expressing yourself to me?”
“I’ve written plenty of beautiful lyrics for you—not for strangers.”
She rested back and closed her eyes. “I know that now. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize it before.”
He pulled her close. “I’m sorry I didn’t come clean sooner. I don’t want to lose you.”
“So here we are, both fighting each other for the same thing, yet also fearing the same thing.”
“Yeah…” He grinned. “So we’re both idiots.”
Bailey chuckled. “We really need to learn better communication skills.” She cuddled closer, and he was so thankful to be there with her. They hadn’t completely cleared the air, but he knew they would. They had time, lots of time.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
On Tuesday, Bailey received a phone call from Agent Sharpe from the Sacramento FBI office. He had an opening for the next day and hoped Bailey could come in a few days early to take care of the DNA swab.
Of course, Bailey jumped at the offer, but now that she and Ryan were sitting in the waiting room, staring at the ugly gray carpet, she wasn’t so sure how she felt. Her stomach rolled a little, but she wasn’t sure if that was from what she was about to do or the thought of what could result from it. She wanted to know where she came from, but what if she received horrible news? Even as detached as she was from her birth parents, she wasn’t sure how she’d feel about bad news.
Ryan reached for her hand and said, “It’s okay to be nervous. I know this is hard, but I’m here for you.”
Bailey nodded, afraid to open her mouth for fear she’d throw up.
She wasn’t sure how long she waited, not long, maybe even just seconds before a tall African American man in a dark blue suit approached. She cleared her throat, and both she and Ryan stood.
“Ms. Morton?”
She tried to smile as she held her hand out to shake his. “Yes, hello.” His handshake was firm. He was a big guy, intimidating, but he had kind eyes and a deep, soothing voice. That helped settle her nerves a little. “This is my friend, Ryan Walker.”
Ryan shook hands with Agent Sharpe.
Sharpe turned and started walking and talking at the same time. “I had a long conversation with Chief Harper. He told me the situation. I hope we can help you find what you’re looking for.” Sharpe walked into a small conference room and waved his hands at two chairs on the opposite side. “We need to hold an informal interview, and then we’ll send you down to the lab for some samples.”
“Thank you for taking the time to meet with us,” Bailey said.
He gave her a broad smile. “Ms. Morton, it’s not often I get to investigate live missing people in our database. Usually, I’m dealing with distraught parents and human remains. Trust me when I say it’s my pleasure to help you.”
Bailey had to swallow back the sick feeling building in the back of her throat. Ryan reached for her hand, and she let him take it. She squeezed it, trying to focus on him and not her queasy stomach.
Agent Sharpe must have recognized the look in her eyes because he followed his smile up with a frown and a disclaimer. “I don’t want to get your hopes up, though. At this point, the DNA database is just a storage facility for your DNA. If we don’t immediately have a match, then it could be years until we do…and we may never get one.”
“I know, but at least I’ll know I’ve done what I can.”
“Yes.” His face softened. “You’re doing the right thing.”
“I’ve considered submitting DNA to one of those sites that try to match you with family, but Chie
f Harper suggested I try this first.”
Agent Sharpe’s eyes widened a little. “Ah, yeah, honestly, I’d wait to see how this test goes first. The problem with those sites is that you have to agree to let them share your results with anyone who might be a match. You’ll have no real protection if it’s someone who might not be”—he hesitated—“trustworthy. Do you know what I mean?”
“I think so,” Bailey said. “But I guess I’m not sure what the difference is between submitting here and submitting online.”
“When you submit to us, we’ll give you the option of making contact before sharing your information. Whoever you may possibly match with will have also completed this mountain of paperwork just like you did. We’ll know something about them. An online service doesn’t do that. You can usually opt in to share your information or opt out. There’s no in between.”
Ryan said, “I guess if you already have an idea where you come from, that’s not as scary of a concept. But when you have no idea, it’s a little more—”
“It can be dangerous,” Agent Sharpe said, pointing a finger at Ryan.
* * *
It had taken hours. Bailey didn’t expect to be there for so long. Between the interview and waiting at the lab, it had taken most of the day. Her energy level was at zero, and she was completely drained of emotion. She wanted to be home, in familiar surroundings. She wanted to erase the lost child stigma she’d worn over the last few hours. She needed her friends. She needed to be reminded that she belonged somewhere, with someone.
When the car peaked the climb over the mountains, and she got her first sight of the lake, she sighed in relief. Ryan hadn’t said much during the drive, but he had synced his iPhone and made sure the radio belted out all her favorite songs. It was a thoughtful gesture, more thoughtful than he could have realized.
