To Roz and Gavin.
Happy Wedding Day!
P. B.
As soon as I saw the neighbour’s new dog I just KNEW that she was going to be TROUBLE.
I mean, she’s a POODLE and EVERYONE knows that poodles can’t be trusted. They’re too bouncy and pood-ly.
I’m a pug and pugs are NOTHING like poodles!
and poodles are NONE
of those things!
Clem lives in the same house as I do. But she’s not a poodle OR a pug. She’s a cat! Clem likes to pretend she doesn’t like me (but I know she does!).
Clem is
(but sometimes she is
Clem said I was being SILLY and that poodles were totally HARMLESS and had candy floss for brains.
So I explained that that’s EXACTLY what poodles WANT everyone to think and that they are actually EVIL GENIUSES.
But Clem just ROLLED HER EYES (like she ALWAYS does) and said that she didn’t think a dog called GLITTERPUFF could be evil OR a genius.
But then LOADS of stuff began mysteriously DISAPPEARING. Like Maddy’s (that’s our owner) favourite jumper with the orange pumpkins on it, and LOADS of Tiny the chihuahua’s favourite things.
But it was when I heard that Big Sal the guinea pig had been GUINEA PIG-NAPPED that I knew it was time for me to become a PUG-TECTIVE!
I told Clem that she should be my assistant and that she could answer the phone and take notes and bring me snacks.
Once Clem EVENTUALLY stopped rolling around on the floor laughing she said, “I will be the DIRECTOR of the detective agency.”
I didn’t really know what a DIRECTOR was, but Clem said that it meant she would be in charge and WATCH OVER the investigation and
So I said OK because I needed someone to watch me VERY CLOSELY to make sure I didn’t lose my hat because EVERY good detective needs a HAT. And when crimes DON’T get solved it probably isn’t because the detective can’t find any clues; it’s probably because he forgot to wear his hat!
Clem said that the HAT THING was STUPID. So I ran around and barked and threw myself against the sofa for AGES because I was having a
“Are you quite finished?” said Clem, holding something up.
“What’s that?” I said.
“While you were being
I made a list of VICTIMS. We’re going to interview everyone who’s had something stolen and start investigating.”
“You are right, Clem,” I said. “And we must also look for CLUES!”
So we waited until Maddy went off to school and then I raced into the bathroom and pushed the window open. Then Clem and I were off to solve our first ever CASE!
Our first interview was with Tiny the Chihuahua. As we waited for her to open the door there seemed to be a weird wailing coming from inside the house.
“Oh!” said Tiny, poking her head out of the door. “I wasn’t expecting company.” She looked a bit weird.
“Were you just wailing?” I asked her.
“No,” she said.
“I thought I heard a wailing coming from inside but it’s stopped now.”
“Oh, actually, YES! That was me!” said Tiny. “I … er … forgot.”
Then as soon as I showed Tiny my homemade detective’s badge she BURST out crying.
“Thank GOODNESS you’re here!” she shrieked. “I’ve been horribly ROBBED!” And then she dropped to the ground and kicked her little chihuahua legs in the air.
“That nasty thief has stolen my orange scarf AND my best tartan jacket and loads of my hairdressing stuff! Those are ALL of my favourite things, Pugly! ALL OF MY FAVOURITES! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Clem narrowed her eyes as Tiny flopped around from side-to-side on the carpet and then she wrote something down on her INVESTIGATION PAD.
“Can you tell us if you saw anything SUSPICIOUS the night your belongings were stolen?” said Clem.
“I DEFINITELY DID!” said Tiny. And then she started whimpering and shaking LOADS.
So I put a blanket over her shoulders because that’s the sort of stuff detectives do when they are trying to help the victims.
Tiny wrapped herself up tight in the blanket so that only her face was poking out. She looked TERRIFIED!
“I saw a footprint…” she whispered. “A seriously
Clem’s tail began flicking from side to side.
“Can you show us this footprint, please?” she asked.
Tiny’s eyes started to go WEIRD and I just KNEW that she was about to faint so I lay her down on the sofa and brought her water bowl over.
“Straw, please,” whimpered Tiny as her little chihuahua arm flopped over the side of the sofa.
We waited until she was HYDRATED because dogs can’t really speak when they need water because of all the panting.
“Aaaah! That’s better,” said Tiny. “I’m afraid the footprint is gone. The rain took it away.”
So I got some pens out of my bag and asked Tiny if she could DRAW the footprint for us. Tiny spent
looking through my pens until she eventually picked an orange one. But the drawing wasn’t very good because her little paws were too shaky.
“And I saw a SHADOW, too!” she said. “I think it was a WOLF!” That’s when I started shaking a bit, too, because I REALLY didn’t want the thief to be a WOLF because WOLVES are TOO SCARY!
“What about a POODLE, Tiny?” I asked, hopefully. “Do you think it could have been a really big and evil poodle?”
Clem looked at me and rolled her eyes.
“Maybe,” said Tiny. “But it would have had to be a really, REALLY evil one!”
“I see,” said Clem. “And is there anything ELSE you’d like to tell us, Tiny?”
That’s when I noticed that Clem’s tail was flicking LOADS so I knew that she was annoyed at something but I wasn’t sure what.
“No, that’s everything,” said Tiny, and she suddenly jumped to her feet and began to fold her blanket up nicely.
Clem snapped her notebook shut. Then she paused. “One more thing. We got word that Big Sal the guinea pig is missing. Do you know anything about that?” She narrowed her eyes and stared at Tiny.
“Nope,” said Tiny. “Bye bye.”
And she pushed us out of the door before I even had a chance to say goodbye.
“I don’t trust that chihuahua!” Clem hissed at me once we were outside. “She’s too DRAMATIC. She’s going on the
I looked up and saw Tiny at her window, staring at us. I raised my paw to wave but just then she shut the curtains.
“Clem,” I said patiently. “You should just leave all the detective stuff to me from now on as you are obviously a TERRIBLE detective who can’t tell the difference between a VICTIM and a CRIMINAL. I mean, Tiny cried REAL TEARS and everything!”
Clem looked like she was going to KILL ME. So I shouted, “Let’s get to the next CRIME SCENE!” And ran off before she could get me.
When we got to Big Sal’s house it was OBVIOUS something bad had happened there.
Sal’s hutch door was WIDE OPEN and his food bowl had spilled EVERYWHERE.
I said. “I need to dust for PAW PRINTS!”
I was so EXCITED to get the chance to use my DETECTIVE KIT.
I opened the briefcase I’d taken from Maddy’s dad’s wardrobe and took out some flour and ALL of Maddy’s mum’s make-up brushes.
I opened the flour and then spun round and round until it was
“URRRGGGGGH! PUGLY! What are you DOING?!” said Clem. “You’ve COVERED me in FLOUR!”
But I didn’t have time to answer because I was too busy dusting for PAW PRINTS!
And THAT’S when I found my first CLUE. It was a LONG WHITE HAIR.
Once the hair was secured inside the sandwich
bag, Clem wrote
on the bag and then we both INSPECTED the hair closely.
“There’s NO WAY this belongs to Big Sal,” said Clem. “Big Sal is completely ORANGE.”
“It’s a REALLY long hair, Clem,” I said, nervously. “You don’t think Tiny might have been right about the WOLF, do you?”
Just then Chester popped his head over the fence and gave us both a HUGE fright. “Hey, dudes. Do you like my new hair?”
Chester is a DOG MODEL and he is TOTALLY OBSESSED with his hair! Usually it’s brown but today he had loads of WHITE HIGHLIGHTS!
“Pretty groovy, huh? I’m shooting a TV ad for ‘Yeah Veg!’ dog food tomorrow. What are you guys doing here?”
Clem opened her notepad and wrote
across the top and gave me a LOOK. I knew she wanted me to INTERVIEW CHESTER.
“Hi, Chester,” I said. “My hat should tell you that I am a
and we are investigating all the STEALING that’s been going on.”
“Good for you, man,” said Chester. “Someone stole my funky new modelling outfit. It’s messed up.”
“Your hair is very long these days,” said Clem, flicking her tail about.
And that’s when Chester jumped RIGHT over the fence and talked for AGES because Chester
talking about his hair.
“I KNOW, man! I’ve been growing it, like, FOR EVER!”
“Oh, I love it when you swish your hair around like that,” purred Clem. “I’d love to have a photo of you so I can remember how swishy it is.”
Chester almost BURST with excitement.
“SURE! I’ll go grab my camera,” he said and he leapt back over the fence.
“QUICK!” hissed Clem. “Help me pick up all this hair and BAG IT before he gets back!”
Then I realised why Clem was being so nice to Chester! She wanted some of his HAIR to see if it matched the one we found at Big Sal’s hutch. One day she would be as great a detective as
As soon as we got back to the house, I took out the hair we found in Big Sal’s hutch and lined it up next to one of Chester’s. But it WASN’T a match.
Chester’s hair was MUCH longer than the one from the hutch, which didn’t really look white any more. It looked a bit SILVERY and GREY.
Clem stared at me and said, “It looks like Tiny might have been right after all. Maybe it WAS a wolf!”
I totally FREAKED OUT and hid inside the washing basket and waited for Clem to come and make me feel better. That is what I like to do when I’m scared.
But Clem didn’t come.
So I shouted, “CLEM! CLEM! CLEM! CLEM! CLEM! CLEM! CLEM!”
Clem began pulling me out of the washing basket. She was a bit angry because I’d woken her from a nap. “Pugly. Detectives don’t HIDE when things get scary. They have to be BRAVE.”
And that’s when I KNEW that Clem was right. I leaped out of the washing basket and stood up straight with my hands on my hips. “I am a detective and I am BRAVE!”
Clem burst out laughing and pointed to my head. I looked in the mirror and saw I had frilly pants stuck to my hat.
Then the doorbell rang and I almost JUMPED out of my fur!
“How BRAVE,” said Clem, as she went to peek through the letterbox.
“Who is it?” she asked. And then she HISSED. That’s when I KNEW it must be ANOTHER CAT!
“The name’s Carlos,” I heard the visitor say. “Word on the street is you’ve got an investigation on the go. I have some information I believe might be of interest to you.”
Clem’s eyes went wide. “Cat flap’s round the back,” she said.
“Nice place you’ve got here,” said Carlos as he wandered around our kitchen. “Shame about the pug.”
“HEY!” I snapped.
Carlos jumped up on the kitchen counter and began sniffing around near MY biscuit tin.
“You said you had some information for us?” said Clem.
“Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t,” said Carlos. “What’s it worth?”
That’s when I noticed that Carlos didn’t have a collar on.
“Hey, Carlos. I think you’ve lost your collar,” I said. “Maybe you should GO AWAY and find it.” I didn’t like this cat
and I DEFINITELY didn’t want his help in MY investigation.
Carlos jumped down from the counter and came RIGHT up to my face.
“Don’t HAVE a collar,” he said, grinning. “Don’t NEED one.”
And that’s when I realised that Carlos was a STRAY CAT and stray cats can be DANGEROUS and some of them are in
and they get up to NO GOOD and I know that for a fact because Maddy and I watched a programme all about it.
I looked at Clem and GULPED because even CLEM is a bit scared of stray cats.
“Live by my own rules, see,” said Carlos. “Don’t need no stinking collar. OR home. OR silly HUMAN telling me what to do. I’m my OWN boss.”
“What do you want?” said Clem.
Carlos turned and smiled slyly at her. “Those DOGGY biscuits look nice. I think I’d like them ALL.”
That’s when I started to feel dizzy. He wanted MY doggy biscuits.
ALL of them!
I slumped to the ground.
“Hey, what’s wrong with the pooch?” said Carlos.
“Don’t worry about him,” said Clem. “I’m sure he’ll feel better once you tell us what you know.”
“Not so fast. FIRST you give me the doggy biscuits. THEN I give you the info.”
“Clem, NO!” I barked, still lying on the floor. “He’s going to eat ALL of my biscuits and then tell us NOTHING!”
Carlos grinned.
Clem jumped on to the counter and knocked my doggy treats to the floor and I had to watch between my paws as Carlos ate EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE. I almost cried. They smelled DELICIOUS.
Carlos licked his lips and yawned. “OK, SEE YA!” he said, making for the door.
“Not so fast,” said Clem, stepping in front of the cat flap. “That pug might look like a chubby nitwit––”
“HEY!” I shouted.
Clem gave me a look. “But he’s got a nasty temper. And you’ve made him angry and HUNGRY.”
That’s when Clem did her WIDEST EYES EVER at me and I realised what she wanted me to do.
“YEAH! I’m HUNGRY! And MAD!” I said, and then I did my SCARIEST PUG FACE at Carlos. But he just laughed.
“You know, you’d look a LOT scarier if you didn’t have that silly hat on.”
And then suddenly I really WAS angry! I completely
I started barking and growling and running into EVERYTHING because Carlos had made fun of my AWESOME DETECTIVE’S HAT!
Carlos looked TERRIFIED. He started hissing and wailing and trying to get out of the cat flap but Clem wouldn’t budge.
“Start talking!” she yelled.
“It’s that weird poodle, Glitterpuff,” said Carlos. “She’s been sneaking out of her house every night this week. She’s definitely up to something. Now let me out!”
“Thank you,” said Clem, and then she stood aside and Carlos scarpered out the cat flap.
“I KNEW IT!” I yelled at Clem. “I TOLD YOU that poodle was BAD NEWS!”
But Clem STILL didn’t look convinced. Even after everything that Carlos had told us!
Then Clem said, “Poodles have CURLY hair, Pugly.”
And I GASPED because the long, grey hair we found was completely STRAIGHT. But that’s when I got a
which is what happens when I get a
It’s sort of like a microwave pinging, but in my head. And I yelled, “HAIR STRAIGHTENERS, Clem! Glitterpuff is DEFINITELY the type of dog who has HAIR STRAIGHTENERS! She could have had STRAIGHT hair the night she stole Big Sal!”
We knocked on Glitterpuff’s kennel door for AGES before she eventually poked her head out a tiny bit.
“May we come in, please?” I said. And then I shoved my tinfoil detective’s badge RIGHT in her face so she would know that this was
“No. I’m busy!” she snapped and then she slammed the kennel door and we heard the lock snap shut.
“Well, THAT was rude. And very SUSPICIOUS,” I said.
I banged on the kennel door for AGES until that annoying poodle poked her head out again. “GO AWAY! I don’t have time for this TODAY OF ALL DAYS!”
“Why not?” I asked, looking at the towel wrapped around Glitterpuff’s head. “Are you COLOURING your hair? And I suppose you’ve got some HAIR STRAIGHTENERS in there too, haven’t you?”
“Colouring my hair?!” cried Glitterpuff. “Of COURSE I’m not! I’m DEFINITELY not going anywhere special later! I’m staying in ALL NIGHT to watch TV. Goodbye!”
And then she slammed the door shut again.
“She’s lying,” said Clem. “I saw a bit of PINK HAIR sticking out of her towel! You were RIGHT about that poodle.”
“She’s covering her tracks, Clem. If she has PINK CURLY hair, we can’t match it to the hair we found in Big Sal’s hutch at the CRIME SCENE.
Pugly Solves a Crime Page 1
