Sawyer Salvatore was back, and he looked good.
Chapter Two – Sawyer
For over a month, all I could think about was her. As I was stuck in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar faces, I kept picturing her. Her stormy grey eyes, the pink tips of her blonde hair, the way she could frown just as easily as smile. Her defiance, her confidence, her temper. Everything about her. Ash was what got me through the nights I spent in that sterile white room, staring at the ceiling.
It was hard, of course. I wasn’t stupid enough to declare it wasn’t, but I did it for her. I did my best there, for Ash. I joined in the talking circles and the therapy and all the other shit they made us do, because…
I wanted to be better. I wanted to be better for her.
I realized now that if I couldn’t live for myself, I could live for someone else.
Her.
She was all I’d ever wanted, but I was too lost to realize it. I’d lost myself in my own grief for so long, lost my mind, my sense of self, even my personality. I’d become so dependent on the things I drowned myself in that I ceased to be a person, just a body flicking between vices. The booze. The sex. The drugs. Anything and everything I could get my hands on, anyone I could get my hands on…
Those were not times I ever wanted to relive, and they sure as shit weren’t times I wanted to remember. If I could blink and make all those mistakes disappear, I would in a heartbeat.
But that wasn’t how life worked. I learned that in the last month, and it was something I would have to keep reminding myself. My mistakes, everything I’d done, I had to own up to them. Pretending those things had never happened wouldn’t help me move on. I had to face them. I had to own up. Nut up or shut up.
I’d caught her so off-guard that when the cashier came with her order or textbooks, I took them with a smile and walked us to the cafeteria, where I set her books down, practically forcing us to sit together. To talk.
Hell, at this point, I didn’t know what we’d talk about, but we had to talk about something. Anything. I just wanted to be with her, to look at her, to hear her. Being away from her for so long had been awful, especially when the shit was hitting the fan because of her psycho ex.
She seemed relaxed, before she’d realized I was there. Her ex had to be out of the picture. So the Scooby-Doo gang had come to the rescue, huh? I wasn’t a part of the gang anymore, not after everything I’d done.
The sad thing was…I wanted to be. With Sabrina gone, with everything that had come to light, I was finally clear-minded enough to see the full picture.
I missed my friends. I missed Ash. I missed the life I could’ve had if I wasn’t the biggest dick around.
Yeah, there was a lot we needed to catch up on. But before I got to the drama I’d missed, I needed to just soak her in. To take every aspect of her and burn it in my memory. I honestly didn’t think I’d be where I was today without her. If Ash wasn’t here, I wouldn’t care less about being better. I wouldn’t care about reconnecting with Declan or Travis. I wouldn’t care about anything.
Ash didn’t sit beside me; she chose to sit across from me, her grey eyes showing her shock, her distrust. It was true I’d not done much to earn any ounce of trust from her, but I hoped this semester that would change.
I didn’t want to be Sawyer Salvatore, the local fuck-up party-boy who never knew when to stop; I wanted to be Sawyer Salvatore, a guy who was trying to do better, to be better, for the girl he cared about.
“So,” she started, eyeing me up, “you’re back.” Ash looked bundled-up and cozy in her hoodie and beanie, stray wisps of pink hair hanging out. I missed that pink hair, those beautiful grey eyes. Everything about her, really.
God, I’d been such an idiot.
“I’m back,” I repeated, keeping her books near me. For whatever reason, I was nervous that she’d hightail it out of here if she got ahold of them. I was not above using her textbooks to force her to be here; I knew she might not want to see me, not after our goodbye, not after what I did.
I could tell she wanted to keep her guard up, but a tiny smile still surfaced on her lips as she said, “You look good, Sawyer.”
Oh, come on. We both knew I looked a lot better than good. Hell, I looked better than I ever had, and I felt good, too. That wasn’t to say there wouldn’t be temptation in my future, but I had to believe that I was strong enough to resist. For myself, for Ash, for our future. I had no idea the state of her relationship with Travis and Declan—or fucking Will—but even if she was still with them, I wasn’t going to sit back and give up on her. I couldn’t. She’d wormed her way into my icy, broken heart, and by God, I’d do the same to her.
“Wish I could say the same,” I spoke, sarcasm laced with every word.
Her eyes narrowed, a frown forming on those full lips.
“What? You don’t look good,” I told her, leaning forward onto her books. “You look amazing, but you always do.”
An incredulous chuckle left her, and she shook her head, a tiny smile growing. “Back to your old tricks?” A question meant to test me.
“No.”
“No?” Her blonde eyebrows lifted, and she folded her arms across her chest, crossing her legs under the table. The motion caused her foot to rub against my leg, and the teeny gesture made me want to reach over the table and show her exactly how much I missed her. But I didn’t, and her foot didn’t touch me for long. She angled her legs away from mine, being careful not to let it happen again.
“No,” I repeated. “I hope to leave last semester me in the past.”
Ash nodded once, saying, “Good. Last semester Sawyer was a bit of a dick.”
Laughing, I agreed, “He definitely made some stupid decisions.”
“Some?”
“Okay, a lot.”
Silence overtook the table, and for the longest time we simply stared at each other, the silence between us saying more than words could ever hope to. It was a heavy silence, helped by the almost vacant cafeteria. Once this semester started up in full swing, the cafeteria would never be this empty.
Fuck. I really missed this girl. How was it that she’d stormed into my life and took hold of me so easily? All those other girls in the past…none had ever come close to doing what she did. Not a single one.
“How are things?” I broke the silence, sounding, for the first time in my life, quite lame. Ash made me feel like a loser, a freak. Someone who wasn’t half as cool as I thought I was. She made me look in the mirror and see just how horrible my life had become.
“Things are good,” she said, biting her bottom lip. “You missed a lot. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Dean Briggs—”
I closed my eyes, nodding. I’d gotten out of rehab just after Christmas, and my family had told me all about what had happened. While in rehab, I didn’t have access to my phone or any TV, so I hadn’t heard until my parents told me.
“Dean Briggs is dead,” I finished for her. Dean Briggs was dead; Will had killed him, effectively ending the mystery of what happened to Sabrina. Dean fucking Briggs got what he deserved, if you asked me. He got off easy. For what that man did…he should be alive and miserable, in prison. “My parents told me.”
Ash nodded again. “Will’s really shaken up about it. He didn’t get along with his dad, but…still. Killing your own dad has to leave a mark, right? Even if that dad was a scumbag.” She stared hard at me, unrelenting in her intensity. “I really just want this semester to be a good one. I know you can never really get over losing someone like that, but I want everything to be better.”
“I agree.”
She stared at me, as if surprised at what I said.
“I want this semester to be better, too,” I told her, running my hand along the spines of her textbooks. “I don’t want there to be drama. I don’t want to fight.” A sigh left me. “Ash, I don’t want things to be like they were. Things have to change.”
“And how do you want things to change?” Another question testing me,
but luckily this was one question I’d prepared myself for.
“I’m done lying. To you, to me, to Declan and Travis. I just…” I trailed off, my eyes falling to the table. A pit grew in my stomach; saying this and practicing it in my head were two totally different things. It was a lot harder to say it to her, with those stormy grey eyes staring holes into my very soul. “I don’t want to fight. I want to make up for the things I’ve done. I want to be a part of your life.”
Me, Sawyer Salvatore, pleading with a girl to let me be in her life. It wasn’t something I ever imagined myself doing, let alone desperately needing, but I did. I needed her to agree to let me stay, to allow me to try.
I needed this girl more than I needed the air in my lungs. Without her, there was no meaning to any of it. My family? I hated them. The only one I cared about was Sabrina, and she was gone. My friends? I didn’t have any friends right now, because of what I did. Without Ash, I had nothing.
She was everything.
Did I sound like a lovesick puppy? I kind of felt like one, which was such a switch to me. I didn’t know how to take it, how to act without sounding too overly desperate. I needed Ash to know I was serious, but I didn’t want to be too pushy. I’d be persistent, but I would not force anything to happen where it shouldn’t. Ash had to come to me on her own.
“What does that mean, exactly?” Ash asked, studying me. There was a slight flush on her cheek, a gentle pink color that made me wonder what she’d look like under me. It wasn’t the first time I’d thought of such things, but it was the first time I had to mentally scold myself that it was vastly inappropriate.
I would not lose myself in inappropriate thoughts so soon. Nope. I was trying to be better. No more Sawyer man-whore.
“It means whatever you want it to mean,” I said.
“I’m with them, still,” she told me, lifting a single eyebrow, as if wordlessly challenging me to say something. To make a comment about her dating life. “Travis, Declan, and Will. My life didn’t stop the moment you left.”
Of course, I knew that. I didn’t imagine she spent the entire time pining away after me, not with her psycho ex in the picture, but I did hope she thought of me at least a little.
“I never said it did,” I replied, standing up and grabbing her books. We had to take things slow if I had any hope of being in her life, whether it was as a friend or something more.
Something more, I hoped. Something a lot more.
Ash got up, following me as I left the cafeteria area of the union. I headed for the doors that let out to the sidewalks that eventually would land us at her dorm. She tugged her beanie down over her ears, huffing, “What are you doing? Give me my books—” She actually sounded worried, as if she thought I was stealing them.
I admit, it was something the old me would’ve done, just to aggravate her. But the me of today didn’t want to play those games anymore. In fact, I was done playing every game. No more games at all for me.
“I’m being a gentleman and helping you bring them back to your dorm,” I said, shooting her a grin before pushing out of the glass door and into the cool winter air of Hillcrest.
Running into her in the bookstore had been an accident. I’d come to collect my own books, but the moment I saw her, I knew I had to talk to her. Had to be with her. Had to soak in everything she was because I’d missed her more than I ever thought I could miss anybody.
Her books weren’t heavy exactly, just unwieldy, since there were so many of them. I had no idea how Ash would’ve carried these back to her dorm without help; she had no bag to shove them in, and her arms were rail-thin. She had no muscle on that skinny frame.
“A gentleman?” she echoed, sounding amused in spite of herself. “You being a gentleman…is this like that date you took me on?”
The zoo. I remembered. I remembered that day crystal clear—and not only because of what happened under the table while we were eating. Having her hand wrapped around me, jerking me off in public where anyone could see…probably hadn’t been the best idea, but honestly, it was the best feeling in the world. She had me in her hands then, and it had taken me forever to realize it, but she never stopped. I might’ve done stupid shit afterward, might’ve fought everything I felt for her, but that was because I was a stupid fucktard.
No more.
I shot her a grin. “Only if you want it to be.”
Ash shook her head, chuckling softly.
“So, how’d everything go with your ex?”
Her gaze turned toward the grey sky, and she was silent for a few moments before saying, “He’s out of the picture, finally. We don’t have to worry about him anymore. We’re safe.” Her eyes darted to me. “Did your family also tell you what happened with Brooklyn? I’m sure it was on the news.”
That was not something my family covered in their welcome home party, so I said, “No. They didn’t bring her up. Why? Did she do more to you?” I was not above finding dirt on that bitch and forcing her to leave Ash alone. After all, that bitch had hit Ash with her car, tried to have her raped. There were some things you couldn’t forget or forgive.
“No, she’s…she’s dead. My ex kidnapped her, killed her.” Ash’s voice got quiet, and she bent her head down. “Right in front of me, too. Chained her to a light pole and a car and…tore her in half.”
I nearly stopped walking at that. Blinking, I said, “He…what?” As the shock wore off, I added, “I’m sorry you had to see that.” That was something normal to say after being told that, right? I really didn’t do comforting well. Just one thing among many I’d have to work on for Ash.
I was better than I was before, but I wasn’t great. I wasn’t perfect. I still needed to work on myself.
“Thanks.” She had her hands in her pockets, walking about a foot away from me on the sidewalk. It was mostly an empty campus, but I knew things would start to be their normal craziness tomorrow. I would not skip classes anymore, and I would actually try when it came to papers and homework and quizzes. “How was it?”
“It?” I asked, sounding vastly confused. “What do you mean by it? You’ll have to be more specific.”
“Rehab,” she muttered, shooting me a classic Ash frown, clearly unhappy that I’d forced her to say it aloud. As if rehab was some terrible, taboo word no one spoke these days. And, around here, I supposed it was. None of the rich families around here would ever want to admit their precious heir had to go to rehab.
They thought I’d gone for them, to remain a part of the Salvatore legacy, but they were wrong.
“Oh, you know. It was good. Got to focus on my problems and all that. The food was shit, though, so I don’t recommend it.” I sounded like I was joking, but I wasn’t. The food really was shit. Shoveling that crap into my mouth had been one of the most difficult things I’d ever had to do in my life.
“I hope it works for you,” Ash told me as we neared the side entrance to her dormitory.
I hoped it did, too. I didn’t want to be the Sawyer of last semester, or of last year. I wanted to leave that particular me in the dust, forget all about him.
It also helped that Dean Briggs was dead now, so in a way, it felt like Sabrina’s death was avenged.
“I hope so, too,” I finally said as she opened the door for me, holding it with her foot. My gaze dropped to her feet, staring at her high-tops. Never thought I’d miss such ugly shoes, but here I was. Here we were. Everything about Ash I missed, honestly.
She took us up to her dorm room, inserting her key into the lock and opening it up for me. I walked in, noting that Declan wasn’t here. I wandered to her side of the room and set her giant pile of textbooks on her desk. Every class she was taking had one; some probably even had two. It was quite a stack.
I looked all around, my main focus on her half of the room. It felt like it’d been so long since I’d been in here…and that’s because it had been. For the longest time, I kept myself locked away in that house, boozing it up, inviting girls over, even trying to make B
rooklyn be like Ash to get my mind off her.
Yeah. Fucking up had been my specialty.
Ash stood, leaning on the counter in the kitchenette area, her arms folded over her chest. The moment we met eyes, she dropped her gaze, as if she’d been watching me perhaps a bit too closely as I checked out her room.
Maybe she was checking me out, caught red-handed doing it. Or maybe that was just me getting my hopes up.
My feet drew me closer to her, my fingers tapping my sides. I wanted to reach for her, but I knew that would be crossing the line. Slow, I told myself. Had to take things slowly. I didn’t want to overstep, start another fight with Declan and Travis over her. I wasn’t sure if she seemed happy with them, but I also knew that could be because of my sudden appearance. She hadn’t expected to see me today, either.
Before I could say anything else, Ash stunned me by unfolding her arms and reaching them toward me. The only thing I could do was blink as she came to me, wrapping her arms around my sides as she leaned her cheek against my chest, hugging me.
Ash was hugging me.
“I am glad you’re back,” she murmured, squeezing me probably as hard as her tiny arms would allow.
A hug. I never thought…I didn’t know, I guessed I just thought she’d forget me while I was gone. After all, she had other boyfriends to pay attention to, so why bother thinking of me—especially after everything I did to her?
A tiny smile formed on my face, and I was unhurried in hugging her back. My arms wrapped around her slim body, holding her against me tightly. She fit so well against me, her body practically breathing in mine.
“I missed you,” I whispered, satisfaction growing in my chest, my heart on overdrive. With her arms around me, my mind went wild. I wanted to take her to the bed, desperately craving the feeling of her soft skin on mine. To tear off her clothes, to touch every inch of her. To show her just how important she was to me, to make up for all of my mistakes and fuckups.
But all too soon, the hug was over. Ash pulled herself off of me, and I let her go, even though I could’ve kept her close, forced her to stay.
Liar: A Dark College Romance (Hillcrest University Book 6) Page 2
