by Riva Zmajoki
“Is it wise to be hungry? Mrs Huffing didn’t supply us with food. Besides, wouldn’t be more suspicious if two ladies of our stature would hide away in our cabin?”
“I hope I’ll remember how to eat properly,” Belva sighed.
“Of course you will,” Josephine said lightly and led them to the restaurant.
Belva felt like the fish out of water on the train.
She travelled the train often enough but always in the crowded lower-class coaches if she was lucky but more often in the cargo coaches.
The dress she was wearing was holding her tightly. She made that dress but she didn’t have her own measurements in mind when she made it for display in the boutique. There was no time to adjust it as it would be for a real customer.
They sat in at the table across each other and Josephine ordered for both of them.
The food was tasty but it was ruined by the effort to remember the etiquette and the sequence of dishes.
The man talked to Josephine and she flirted with him. When he got hopeful she easily got rid of him. It seemed like a game she was accustomed to playing. Belva quietly noted that she was right. It was easy for Belva to stay quiet as it was easy for Josephine to keep on talking.
“Excuse me,” the waiter came at the end of their meal. “Some guests are complaining because you brought your maid to the table. There are rooms for servants to sit in.”
Belva got alarmed ready to jump and run but Josephine grabbed her hand.
“Did you hear that my dear,” she said loudly enough for the whole coach to hear her. “Someone insulted your complexion. It’s endlessly rude to point out to a lady her shortcomings. My honourable companion has a skin condition that makes her skin tan in the slightest of walks. You can’t be so rude to notice that. Apologize instantly and show me those rude people to apologize as well!”
“I’m sorry but I can’t expose my guests like that,” the waiter bowed and tried to get out of the situation.
“I won’t stand for this. We won’t stand for this don’t we, my dear,” Josephine looked at Belva to jump in.
She needed to prove that she belongs here. Belva panicked unsure what to do but then out of nowhere she pulled out the most obnoxious accent in which her aunt used to talk to her.
“My child,” she said to Josephine firmly. “Let it go. Didn’t I always teach you that it’s unbecoming of a lady to make a fuss? I know they offended you but they had good intentions. You wouldn’t want for a real maid to find her way in here. I apologize to the good people. Tell them that their meal is on us. This dress is simply wretched it just makes me look like a slave. I’ll have to burn it to heal this embarrassment. Tell me what can we do to make this discomfort go away?”
“Nothing,” the man on the other side of the aisle leaned over. “We were confused by your quiet demeanour, we didn’t even notice your dress.”
“Yes,” his wife jumped in. “Don’t burn your dress for it, it’s simply divine. Where did you acquire it? I might need some fresh splash of colour. You wear it so well.”
“There is a little boutique hidden on the corner,” Belva said nodding gracefully. “I can write you instructions so you don’t miss it.”
She took the card with which Josephine supplied her with and started to write. Nothing reassured about nobility but the ability to write well, to have a personalized piece of paper helped the illusion. Belva was suddenly grateful that her father made sure that she writes in the most agreeable fashion.
The woman took the calling card and Belva could see how her doubt melts away.
“You must tell Mrs Huffing that we sent you,” Josephine jumped in. “She’s the most graceful shopkeeper I ever met.”
“You did great,” Josephine said gleefully when they were back in the safety of their cabin.
“It was tiring as hell,” Belva sat on her bed and Josephine pulled the curtain over cabin’s door.
“Now you can reap the reward,” she leaned seductively towards her but Belva moved away.
“We’re in public, a conductor can burst in at any moment. We managed so far but we must be careful.”
Josephine knew she was right but the refusal made her lose her swing. The feeling of victory disappeared and all of her worries came back to hang heavy from her shoulders.
They sat in silence across each other looking through the window as the scenery passed them by.
Belva was grim the rest of the journey on the train. She avoided spending too much time on the corridors. She could hear Josephine socializing on the corridor.
The incident in the restaurant reminded her too much of her younger days when her father had to constantly fight for her to be let in spaces others would just walk in. The fact that she played the worst version of those people that didn’t want her in didn’t improve her mood.
The worst thing was the fact that she was starting to relax before that moment. She looked at her face reflected in the glass and could remember younger days when she thought that she’ll be allowed to roam around and explore the country.
“She just has motion sickness, that’s why she’s in such foul mood it wasn’t your fault.”
It wasn’t hard to hear of whom they are talking about. Belva could understand her but it still didn’t improve her mood. When the night fell, Belva just climbed on the upper bed and pretended to be asleep.
“This is our station,” Josephine said in the afternoon when the train stopped in Fairfax.
“Where are we going?” Belva asked when the carriage started.
“To the hotel,” Josephine said lightly.
“I didn’t mean that,” Belva sighed. “Where are we headed?”
Josephine looked at her confused.
“I thought you know that,” she said lightly. “I never was this far up north before.”
Belva sighed. Of course, she needed to realize that Josephine was just leading upon instinct. Still, Josephine led the way naturally. She found them a hotel with ease and checked them in.
“Alright, I can lead us but I need to know where is our final destination,” she said to Josephine when the door of their hotel room closed behind the bellboy.
Josephine’s enjoyment in the trip diminished when Belva disengaged from her. She maintained her surface light but on the inside, the fears started swirling.
Will Belva leave her at their first stop?
“Where is our final destination?” Belva asked her and Josephine sat on the edge of one of their two narrow beds.
The beds depressed her. They meant that there will be no intimacy for her this night either.
“Do you mean our or mine?” Josephine asked carefully.
“Do you have anywhere to go?” Belva frowned. “Any relative or a friend out here?”
“I have some friends I can ask for shelter,” Josephine lowered her gaze to hide her sorrow.
“Alright, we’ll search for them in the morning,” Belva said and went to the lavatory.
The rest of the day they didn’t speak much. When they sat to have dinner, Josephine didn’t cause chatter that would draw attention to them so there were no new incidents.
They were constantly together but they were more apart than she was away. Josephine wanted to cry but she didn’t want to before her.
Belva tricked her to live on, to survive, but she couldn’t even be mad at her. It wasn’t like they had a future together but it would be nice that they spent their hours holding hands and not ignoring each other.
In their room, Josephine curled in her bed fighting tears. When she was sure that Belva had fallen asleep, she let her tears roll.
In the morning, Belva refused to speak first. When they start to speak, Josephine will tell her where she wants to go and they’ll never see each other again.
They got dressed but none of them spoke up.
It was like they are having a stare down. None of them wanted to speak.
Just when Belva was about to break the silence there was a strong knock on the doo
r. Two knocks.
Belva froze.
“Who did you tell that we’re going here?” Belva whispered.
“No one,” Josephine whispered back. “Only that lovely couple that gave me directions knew.”
“Really? You took directions from them?” Belva was furious.
“They were nice,” Josephine defended herself.
“They were anything but nice,” Belva scorned her and at that moment the key turned in the lock.
The bellboy opened the door, took the money and let in Luiz Terdreau.
“Well ladies,” he tipped his hat. “It’s nice to find you decent although it would mean nothing to me if you weren’t. What happened Belva? It’s not like you to leave such wide trail in the mud behind you. Anyone could follow you. A frivolous loud lady and her dark companion. Everyone just wanted to talk about it.”
Josephine was terrified when Luiz Terdreau entered their room. The realization that she led him here made her cry.
“I’m so sorry,” she grabbed Belva’s hand. “I should have listened to you and stay quiet. Now he’ll take me away and I didn’t even bother to apologize.”
“Calm down, he isn’t here for you. He came for me. Luiz is a gentleman, he’ll let you stay. You said you have friends here, you’ll be fine.”
“I lied. I was angry because you were so cold. I have no one here. I thought you want to stay with me and was so distressed when I realized that I’m just another runaway for you to take to safety.”
“No,” Belva suddenly embraced her. “You’re not a runaway for me. I would go anywhere with you.”
“That’s all nice and dandy ladies but we have a train to catch. Come on Belva, I caught you. Don’t make me drag you out by your hair.”
Josephine could feel Belva stiffening under her hand.
“You can only dream that I would give you such pleasure your bastard.”
“I think you mix us up. I am the one who knows his father. Let’s go,” Luiz stepped forward and grabbed Belva’s hand.
“No,” Josephine pulled her back. “You can’t take her away from me. There must be something you want, you must have a price. Everyone has a price.”
“You insult me whenever we meet,” Luiz smirked. “I’m almost flattered.”
“Let it go, he has a rightful claim over me. I ran for long enough from him,” Belva smiled at her.
“No, why is he hunting you like you’re a wild animal? What’s it to him?”
“Remember the man I killed. He was Leopold Terdreau, Luiz’s father. He has a claim over me I must face my penance. It’s only right.”
“He’s the boy who wanted your son for his birthday to be his personal slave?” Josephine was shocked. “You can’t let him have you.”
“What did you say?” Luiz said quietly.
Josephine looked at him. He seemed to be shaking.
“That you can’t have her.”
“Not that,” he shouted. “Before that. What did you say?”
“That you were a spoiled brat that wasn’t satisfied with having things but wanted to have a slave for your birthday. Why? Why him? What did you want to do to him?” Josephine advanced at him remembering the time he attacked her, how he looked at her knees in disgust.
Luiz let go of Belva’s hand and turned his back to them.
“See, I told you. Everyone has a price, everyone has a secret they don’t want for the world to see.”
“Why do you think that? Why would you think that?” Luiz turned to Belva. “Was Francis right? Did Evan said something to you? Did he turn on me? Did he make you kill my father?”
“No one had to tell me that. Your father said it himself. He came in that day to buy Evan. I came when they signed the papers. ‘A gift for my son, a personal slave,’ that’s what he said before I attacked him to stop him. I couldn’t let him take Evan. Not to give him to you. Even if he didn’t tell you, that doesn’t change the fact that he tried to buy him because of you.”
“No!” Luiz screamed at her. “No!”
The windows shook from his scream. He turned and started to hit furniture, throw things screaming. He ended up in a corner exhausted crying.
Belva watched Luiz’s outburst standing still in the midst of his raging. She pulled Josephine near to protect her but Luiz was blind for them. His rage wasn’t directed at them.
When he stopped his screaming and sat in the corner crying.
“I’m sorry for your loss, son,” Belva told him. “I was always regretful for taking your father away from you. He was a strange man, he probably thought you’ll appreciate that kind of a gift, he wanted to give you who you love. We can’t expect of our elders to understand that they are wrong.”
Luiz looked at her.
“It was my brother’s birthday that day,” he said finally.
Belva flinched and fell back to the floor.
“Why would he want to have Evan? They never even spoke to one another. If anything, I would think that Francis is hating him.”
“He was,” Luiz shook his head. “That was the point. For days he was saying to me that for his birthday he’ll get from father the thing I love the most. He said that I’ll cry the sea of tears when he gets his gift. I didn’t think much of it because I couldn’t think of a ‘thing’ I loved enough to cry about.”
In Belva’s heart, those words opened the abyss of horror.
“What would he do to him?” she whispered.
“He would destroy him just to hurt me,” Luiz said quietly. “I’m so sorry for ruining your life. What Evan and I did was wrong. We gave him a lever to torture us all.”
Belva had no words to console him, to repair his ruined life so she moved forward and hugged him. He let her so they just sat on the floor crying.
While she hugged him all Belva could think about was how wrong she was, how her protection brought ruin to them all.
“Really, mother,” Evan tried to convince her. “There is nothing wrong in it, it’s just a gift and I think that it’s a quite a lovely gift,” he said to her.
“There’s nothing lovely in gifting someone a pistol,” she was terrified. “Did that boy threaten you? Is this a message? What does he want you to do?”
Evan got all flustered, his cheeks turned red.
“Nothing, mama,” he said weakly. “A gun is just a thing a man should have. Don’t you think it’s good to be able to protect yourself?”
“From what?” she persisted. “From what should you protect yourself? You’re just a black boy in a white house. If anything should happen, if this gun ever fires you’ll be hanged. You’re not free to go around and have duels. Is this a challenge to a duel? I won’t let you fight over ladies like you’re a fancy gentleman.”
“Don’t be silly mama,” he took the pistol from her hand. “It’s just a gift. Look, it’s not even loaded.”
“An empty gun,” she was terrified. “That way they can shoot you and claim to be afraid. Don’t you see it’s a trap? Give it back, or better yet, throw it in the river.”
“I’ll get rid of it,” he said defiantly.
Of course, he didn’t.
She didn’t think much of the inscription. She just thought of it to been there before, that Luiz just took it from his mother’s drawer. That was even worse. He could have been planning a set up a rouse to get Evan accused of robbery.
Now, she hugged Luiz and thought about the inscription.
‘The thing I love the most,’ Luiz said in his despair and Belva had to face her own guilt and admit the thing she never wanted to look at. Her son never loved anyone the way he did Luiz and that love was the thing that scared her so. She could see clearly that Luiz could do whatever he wanted and Evan wouldn’t find it strange.
Her guilt was even greater because she stirred the waters. She didn’t believe Evan that he was fine and she did ask questions. When Evan wanted to go back and ask question of his own, she stopped him.
“That life is over,” she said then. “The future is
all we have.”
Josephine looked at them crying feeling helpless. She understood what had happened all too well.
The father tyrant, the son sadist and young forbidden lovers in their path. She understood all too well but she felt selfish at that moment. She wanted for Belva to be hers and not to crumble down into guilt.
There was nothing more damning for love and lust but guilt. It ruined everything.
“That’s all terrible. Give him Evan’s address so they can sort it out. Evan would surely want to know the truth,” she said loudly.
Luiz looked up at her.
“Santos didn’t tell you before he left?” he said.
“What?” Belva got alarmed.
“Evan went down south and didn’t return. Santos went down to find him,” he said and Josephine knew that she made it worse.
Belva froze thinking of Evan lost in the south. She thought of Santos young and naive. She froze thinking of all the ways they could have died or be captured.
“I’m sorry,” Josephine started to cry. “I think only of myself. I shouldn’t be so loud on the train. I’m really a stupid southern matron who thinks that the world is hers. I’m sorry for leading you away from your path. You should go and find your son.”
“If Francis finds him…” Luiz murmured slumping back down.
“Stop,” Belva ordered and got up. “Stop the both of you.”
They looked at her surprised.
“No, I refuse to be haunted by my past anymore. You, Luiz, you won’t take me to custody. You forgive me, don’t you? No one except you cared enough to even send an ordinary posse. No one was after us until you came running. If you forgive me, I’ll think of our debt as settled.”
“I thank you for what you did,” he said frowning. “You saved me as much you saved Evan that day. We got to live, both of us. I don’t think we would survive Francis.”
“Alright. That’s settled,” Belva walked to the desk with determination. “I’ll give you a letter for my son if he finds you first because I think that he will go and try to find you now when I’m not looking over his shoulder. I’ll write the letter he’ll understand but no one else will. You can read it, there is nothing special in it.”
