by Nicky James
Then, a burst of movement. He scribbled something on the paper and resumed position.
I eyed the stove.
I eyed Gray.
The oddness continued.
“Gray?”
His head darted up, but he didn’t turn around to face me. Alert, there was a hiccup of time where he paused dramatically before he swept all the papers off the table and balled them up. For a man still adjusting to his new prosthesis, he moved fast, aiming for the garbage under the sink where he jammed the papers before spinning and facing me.
Since he still hadn’t noticed the stench of burnt meat in the air, I moved to the stove and flicked the burner off before sliding the frying pan off the stove to cool. I didn’t take my eyes off him.
Maria was right. He looked like hell. Dark, prominent circles encased his eyes. Worry lines marred his brow, and he was twitchy.
“You’re home,” he finally said, blinking at me like I was an apparition.
“Yeah. Hey. You don’t look so hot.”
He scanned my body, his clarity returning, and he motioned to my wrinkled clothes and mussed up hair. “You don’t exactly look so hot yourself.”
I looked away, self-conscious at the reminder of my escape. “I needed some time. I’m sorry.”
“Where’ve you been?”
“Maria’s.”
“Oh.”
It was hard to read his tone, and I couldn’t seem to bring myself to meet his eyes again to get a better understanding of just how hurt he was. Whatever he’d been doing when I walked in concerned me, but in light of our “predicament,” it was hard to focus on anything but the beating of my racing heart or the butterflies swarming my belly.
The silence stretched on too long, and I knew I needed to say something. I scanned the kitchen, scratched the unshaven growth on my chin, zeroed in on the blackened meat in the pan, and sighed. “I don’t know what you were cooking, but I don’t think it survived.”
“Shit.” Gray jumped into action as though just then remembering his meal. He scraped a spatula along the pan and tsked. “Have you eaten?” he asked over his shoulder without turning to face me.
“No.”
I stared at the way his shirt pulled tight over his shoulder blades and the defined curves of his biceps where they escaped the short sleeves. Once, and only once, I flicked my gaze lower to his perky ass formed under his shorts. I could honestly say, I’d never purposefully stared at a guy’s ass before.
My mouth dried when I considered touching him or exploring him intimately. Memories from a few nights ago returned, and I remembered the firmness of his abdomen under my hand. The hairs on his legs when we’d been nearly tangled together and his pajama pants had rode up bring our skin into contact.
There was nothing feminine about him. Yet it was intriguing and surprisingly appealing—if not terrifying—to consider Gray in a sexual way.
“This is ruined,” he mumbled. “Why don’t I order pizza or something?”
“Sure.” We seemed to be tiptoeing around the true subject which was fine by me. I wasn’t sure how ready I was to address it. “I’m gonna hop in a quick shower and change.”
He nodded but still didn’t turn around. Maybe I wasn’t the only one struggling to face this.
“Gray… I think we need to talk.”
I caught a flash of brown eyes briefly as he shifted around, but then he studied the floor, hiding his emotions along with his face. “Should I make arrangements to stay elsewhere tonight?”
“No,” I whispered, surprising myself with how quickly and confidently I answered him.
He lifted his head and our eyes locked.
Held.
I wanted to say a hundred different things, but my tongue was in a knot. There was hope and fear in his rich brown eyes. His emotions were all on the surface. But I also saw weariness. Gray was exhausted. He looked like life had kicked the shit out of him over the past few days and left him battered and barely hanging on. Maybe addressing this tonight wasn’t a good idea.
“Order the pizza. I won’t be long.” I thumbed over my shoulder to the hall and bathroom. “Just… need to clean up.” He nodded, his gaze falling to the table to where his phone and watch sat side by side.
That was where I should be focusing my attention. This strange obsession he was failing to hide. Not complicated love affairs of the confused heart.
I left Gray to his own devices and escaped down the hall. I needed a long hot shower to clear my head if nothing more.
When I found Gray in the kitchen a half an hour later, the burnt food had been disposed of, and there were pizza and wings already plated. We sat across from one another at the table and ate in silence. Thick tension crowded all around us.
“You been doing okay?” I asked, treading carefully into conversation.
He shrugged and took another bite of his food.
“What were you doing when I came in?”
“Nothing. You never told me how your date was with Nova.”
Say what now?
Since when did Gray willingly bring up my dates? Especially since it had been the same night things got heated between us, and he knew it. He was changing the conversation for a reason, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.
“Ended early. Not sure why I bugged Maria to set it up, to be honest. She’s a nice girl, Nova, but… I guess I wasn’t feeling it.”
Because you were the only thing I could think about.
“Do you regret it?”
I frowned. He wouldn’t meet my gaze as he studied and picked at a piece of stray pepperoni on his plate. Did I regret what exactly? My date with Nova?
“Elaborate.”
He put his crust down and stared at it a long time before lifting his head. His ordinarily dark brown eyes looked lighter at that moment like they too were washed of color, pale and worn out.
“Do you regret it?”
The same four words, but as he pinned me with his gaze, I had no question what he wanted to know. This had nothing to do with Nova. I abandoned my pizza, nerves chasing away my hunger in an instant.
“No.” The one word was barely audible, and the way Gray kept staring at me made me wonder if he’d heard.
Then like a still frame being jolted back to life by the play button, Gray wiped his mouth and shoved back from the table, cleared our plates, and dumped them in the sink. I watched him in action. He was unreadable.
For a minute, he stood with his back turned, clutching the counter with his head bowed. I stood, scrambling for something to say, knowing I should explain, but he flipped around before I got a word out.
“You can’t fuck with me, Beck. You have no idea…” He trailed off, considering his words before starting again. “You better tell me what you mean.”
If there is one thing I always loved about our friendship, it was that we were blunt with one another. There was no reading between the lines bullshit. Things were cut and dry. Black and white. And when we fought, we said it plain and worked our way through it.
Fuck, we really did function like a couple. How had I not seen that before?
“I don’t regret a single thing that happened that night. I can’t say I knew what I was doing or that I really thought it through, but I don’t regret it. It… wasn’t what I expected.”
He cringed. “What does that mean?”
“It means…” What does it mean? “It means… I didn’t plan it?”
The pain in his eyes was too much. I wasn’t explaining myself at all. I blew out a breath and scrubbed my face.
“Gray…” Words failed me.
After a minute of my stumbling, he shook his head and straightened up, looking ready to escape. “It’s all right. I was a fucking idiot to be hopeful. You’re not gay. Straight guys have done worse things and reneged when they realize they’ve made a mistake. I just hate that I was your mistake.”
“Would you shut up! It wasn’t a mistake. And no, I’m not gay, but after many sleepl
ess nights of soul searching and confusion, I think there is a good possibility I may be bi. Or at least… I have an interest in seeing what this is… or could be. With you.”
My stomach twisted and a chill raced over my skin unearthing goosebumps. Gray’s mouth slackened as he stared at me like I hadn’t spoken a word of English.
“It’s kinda been a scary thing to learn about myself, so I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL for the past few days. I don’t really know how to do this… or where to start. I’m out of my league.”
When he continued to gape, I shot, “Would you say something already! I’m freaking the fuck out over here, and I kinda need you to tell me this isn’t insane.”
He blinked heavily as though warding off emotion and blew out a breath as he scrubbed a rough hand over his eyes. “You better not be fucking with me. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.”
“I’m not fucking with you.”
We stared at each other, unable to look away as a million unsaid emotions tore through us both. Gray stepped forward and reached his hand for mine, our fingers brushing once before locking. Instinct told me to pull away, but I didn’t. The frantic beating of my heart bruised my ribs, and I couldn’t breathe. In a flood of panic, I didn’t think I could do it. Move forward. It was too weird. It was Gray, for fuck’s sake.
Only, I didn’t deny him. With a gentle tug, he pulled me closer. When I expected him to jump all over my confession and toss me into waters where I didn’t know how to swim, he didn’t. He was cautious. Caring. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me. We’d hugged plenty over the years. This I could do. Encasing him in my own, I held on for dear life.
We were of the same height, and Gray rested his head on my shoulder, burying his face in the crook of my neck and inhaling deeply. His fingers dug into my hair, and he clung with a need I’d never felt from him. He was always so strong and independent. Never once in life had he shown weakness. This Gray sagged in my arms with relief and exhaustion, squeezing me like I might escape or vanish into thin air. This Gray was as scared as I was.
Settling in his embrace, I closed my eyes and considered where we went from there. Being in his arms, engulfed in his scent, drew up our shared night and all we’d done. The idea of revisiting it and going further tied my stomach in knots. I had questions. Many. Sex with a guy was not the same thing at all, and my fear spiked again.
Gray’s mouth made contact with my neck. I knew it was only a matter of time before he advanced. Involuntarily, I tilted my head to the side, inviting the action. The wet warmth of his tongue as it slid up my strained tendons, paused over the steady pulse under my jaw to nip and suck before journeying farther and settling on a desirable location just under my ear made me shiver. The scratch of his unshaven face over my flesh awoke something carnal inside me, and I couldn’t hide the embarrassing sound that fell past my lips.
He nipped my ear before tugging my hair and drawing my face back so we could look at each other.
“Gray… I…”
Oh, fuck! Was he going to kiss me? Could I do that?
Well, technically, I’d considered doing a lot more than that. But still…the thought made me jumpy. Kissing a guy? Gray? It somehow seemed a million times more daunting than sex.
“Tell me to stop if you don’t want it,” he said.
His lips brushed mine. Teasing but not taking. His hot breath fanned over my skin. The grasp he held on my hair was fierce and unyielding. Powerful. Gray was in control. He was a lion out of his cage and ready to pounce if I gave the word.
“Beck…” he warned. Another barely there pass over my lips. His other hand touched my face. Fingers rasped over my scruff. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for fifteen years. You better speak up now if you don’t want it.”
Finding my voice, I was surprised that it came out strong and sure because my insides were shaking. “I think you’ve waited long enough, don’t you?”
Our mouths collided. It was bruising. Possessive. Rough and needy. Everything I’d never experienced in a kiss before. Gray wasn’t shy. He was probably afraid this was his one and only chance, and he was going to make it count. He ate at me with the hunger of a starved man.
A thought occurred to me. Maybe this was just who Gray was in a relationship. Assertive. Dominating. Aggressive.
Or was this simply how it was with another man? Was my comparison skewed because my experience was all with women? I’d always taken the lead. Been the one to guide the encounters. Women didn’t often argue with the submission of control. At least not the women I’d dated.
His seeking tongue halted my racing thoughts. It swept inside my mouth, velvety smooth, invading me and officially shutting down the processing center of my brain. Dueling, tangling together, I tasted the sweet hint of honey from our chicken wings. Finding confidence, I gave him back just as hard and purposefully.
Teeth clacking. The pressure of our tongues sliding together. It was beautiful. Erotic. Mind-blowing. The frantic level of our connection rose. Gray pulled me tighter against him, and the firm press of his erection stabbing my thigh made me stutter, and a burst of laughter exploded from me unexpectedly. It was all nervous energy that didn’t know where else to go.
The kiss ended, but our mouths stayed close. I could feel Gray’s smile on my lips as he nipped at me. “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” We shared a few less frantic kisses. “This is just really surreal. And this…” I nudged his erection with my thigh. “Kinda threw me off for a sec. It’s not every day I feel a guy’s dick all hard against my leg.”
“I should hope not.” He chuckled, gripped my waist and pressed forward again. “This is all you. Always has been. Fuck, I swear this feels like a dream. Please don’t wake me up.”
Since the kiss was simmering, I pulled back a bit to get my head together, stepping away from the pressure of his arousal. “This is all really new for me, Gray. Bear with me cuz I’m a fish out of water here. Be gentle,” I teased.
He laughed and pulled me back into a bear hug. We stayed like that for a long time and everything felt right in the world.
“I won’t rush you,” he breathed against my temple. “Is this really happening?”
“Appears to be.”
For a few more staggering minutes, I wasn’t sure what the next step was. At thirty, I was suddenly cast as the shy virgin all over again. What happened when we crawled into bed later? What kind of a lover was Gray? And was I ready to find out? I had some very important questions involving my ass that I didn’t know how to voice.
Thankfully, Gray took the pressure off. “How about we watch a movie? It’s early.”
“Sure.”
I’m not sure if either of us paid much attention to the flick. Gray’s attention seemed diverted, and it wasn’t for the same reason as mine was. He had his phone on his lap, and whenever he thought I wasn’t looking, he pressed the button, lighting up the screen. Then there were the inconspicuous peeks at the watch in his pocket. Over and over again.
His fingers flitted against his leg, and I got the sense he was counting. I remembered the papers he’d been quick to dispose of earlier when I’d come home, and I wondered what he’d been up to. I was just about to ask when he sat forward abruptly and groaned, rubbing his thigh on the right side.
“Pain?”
“Yeah. It’s annoying. It radiates down my non-existent leg right into my toes. How fucked up is that?”
He worked at removing his prosthesis, and I watched while he worked through a few exercises his physiotherapist had shown him.
“Does that help?”
“Somewhat. More than painkillers.”
When he’d completed a few more minutes of massage and desensitizing exercises, he rested back and tilted his head to face me.
“I’m really tired. I’ve been sleeping like shit. Do you mind if I go to bed?”
“Do you mind if I join you?’
His smile was brilliant and shone out his eyes. A rare moment of pe
ace and happiness I didn’t often see in him anymore. “I’d love that.”
I grabbed his crutches from the other room, and we took turns getting ready for bed. I was first to lie down, and when Gray joined me, I noted he made no move to extinguish the light. We hadn’t talked about it, but his discomfort was growing beyond his means of hiding it.
“You’re struggling with the dark, aren’t you?”
He lay on his back, arms folded under his head as he studied the ceiling. I settled on my side and watched him. The covers were pulled to our waists, and Gray’s chest rose and fell with each breath he took.
He didn’t respond.
Fighting nerves, I reached out and set my hand on his taut abdomen, the hard muscles something I was learning I kinda enjoyed. My bold advance got his attention. He caught my hand and twined our fingers together. His dark gaze found mine.
“Gray, what’s going on in your head?”
Unclasping our hand, he rolled to his side and took hold of my neck, drawing me to him and joining our mouths again. The kiss was a lot less desperate that time. More passionate and slow. I didn’t miss the fact that he was changing the subject, avoiding my questions yet again. But this connection between us was so new, I didn’t want to stop it either.
I settled my hand on his waist, learning his mouth, breathing him into my pores, and letting him soak into my veins. It was less frightening this time. My heart was calmer.
Gray’s hands were brave. He explored my bare skin, traced every curve—curves that were far less flattering and fleshier than his. At the band of my underwear, he paused and broke our kiss. Watching me closely, he glanced the backs of his fingers over the front of my underwear, touching the swell of arousal I wasn’t hiding.
“How freaked out would you be if I took care of this for you?”
With his words hanging in the air between us, he increased his pressure, turning his hand around so he could stroke me through my briefs. I was pretty sure I shuddered with desire.
“I… I… um…” Stuttering was about all I could manage. The confident guy who’d fucked his way through life with countless women was gone. I was officially seventeen again, awkward and inexperienced, and I hated it.
