‘I’m afraid I must leave for London,’ he declared. ‘There is a matter I must see to urgently, but I shouldn’t be long. Less than a week I hope.’ He walked in and took my hand. ‘I am sorry I have to leave so suddenly,’ he added with an affectionate smile.
‘Not at all my darling. I completely understand.’
He kissed my hand gently. ‘You are wonderful. I will miss you.’
I smiled. ‘I will miss you too.’
That afternoon, as I stood in my bedroom staring out at the fading sun, my hand slipped to my smooth wedding band. I turned it round and round, barely able to fathom what I was considering doing. My shoulders ached from tension, but I was already dressed in my deep, red riding habit denying me the defense of spontaneity.
I spun the ring faster and faster, and before I knew it, it was sitting in my palm. I lifted it to the level of my eyes, the fading light glinted off the lustrous gold. Was I really going to do this?
The sound of my ring settling on my wooden dresser, followed me as I walked quietly through the door.
A deep rumble rolled through the skies as one of the stable-hands held my beautiful Fern’s reins. My father had insisted that I take her with me, and she shifted nervously at the sound of thunder. A harsh wind surged in reply, and the stable hand and I simultaneously glanced over our shoulders. Towering black clouds were moving towards us.
‘Maybe you shouldna go out tonight Lady Keene,’ the young man said, as he inspected the impending storm.
‘I will be fine,’ I interjected. ‘It is only a short ride. My parents are expecting me.’
‘But…’
‘I will be fine,’ I said again, mounting Fern. ‘Let the kitchen staff know I shall be back for dinner tomorrow.’
I kicked Fern, leaving the stable-hand to stare in worried disbelief.
I rode as hard as I could, using my crop more than I should have, but the storm traveled faster. As I neared my parent’s estate, it was bearing down, the swirling wind heralding impending rain. The smell of moisture and electricity filled the air, and I guided Fern into a line of trees to utilize their coverage until we neared the stable.
I got as close as I could before abandoning the foliage and racing across the last field. The heavens opened just as we reached the stable entrance. I leaped from the saddle, pulling Fern inside. Closing the doors, blood throbbed through my ears as my legs went numb. It was cold and dark, and only the odd lantern provided any light.
The rain got heavier, drumming relentlessly on the slate roof. I looked around, straining my ears for anything other than the storm. I could smell the horses; they were remarkably calm. Taking off my hat, I placed it, and my crop, on a hook. Fern walked beside me breathing comforting puffs on my arm. As we moved towards the center of the stable, a flash lit the windows, and a tremendous crash followed. Fern reared, and I lost hold of her reins. She went to bolt, but strong hands came from nowhere grabbing her bridle. She settled instantly.
Aydin stood on the other side of Fern with one hand gently resting on her muzzle. Even in the dim light, I could see how gaunt and tired he looked. He was wearing pale brown pants, a cream linen shirt, and a dark vest. His golden hair was swept to the side, and his sleeves were rolled to the elbows.
‘What are you doing here Callie? Are your parents expecting you?’
The sight of him was devastating, and I couldn’t answer. My pounding heart felt like it alone would thrust me into his arms. I barely managed to shake my head.
His eyebrows dipped, hooding his dark eyes. He looked over Fern and stroked her neck. ‘Why would you ride her in a storm? You could have been thrown. You could’ve both been hurt.’ I just stood there, staring dumbly. His eyes flicked to me briefly. ‘Well, you can’t go up to the house until the storm dies down. Your father had a couch placed in the tack room so you can wait there. There are clean blankets in the cupboard. I have a lot of work to do so I won’t disturb you until it’s time to leave.’
The sound of his voice caressed my skin leaving shivers in its wake. He led Fern to the nearest stall and started unsaddling her. I followed.
‘But I’m here to see you,’ I said from outside the stall.
His frown deepened. ‘Well, you’ve seen me, so now you can go rest in the tack room.’
‘I’m not going anywhere unless you come with me.’
‘Fine, then you can just stand there and watch me work.’
He ignored me as he quickly fed, watered and brushed Fern; his dark expression increasing with every passing second. The storm continued to rage outside, but I barely noticed.
Once finished, he marched past without so much as a glance. Grabbing a pitchfork, he went into the empty stall next to Fern’s. His body stiffened as I followed and he began stabbing at the straw aggressively. His fringe broke free of its sideways sweep to cover his furrowed brow. I crept into the stall, obsessed by his every movement—the flow of his arms, his jaw tight with effort—everything invoked excitement.
He pushed his sleeves further up his arms, and the cool air suddenly felt warmer. His vest was undone, along with the top button of his shirt, and beads of sweat brought a glow to his skin. He was so familiar in this moment, his full lips and strong neck more alluring than ever. My legs ached, and my quick breaths left me light-headed, but he went on working as though I wasn’t even there.
My eyes flowed over his body, stopping on the birthmark I’d kissed all those years ago—I had a sudden desire to do it again. I walked over to him. Placing my hand on his shoulder, I felt his body harden beneath my touch. He stood tall, holding the rake in one hand, staring straight ahead. A strange pain blackened his eyes, and I wasn’t sure he was even breathing. I inhaled his wonderful scent and pushed up onto my tiptoes. I laid my lips on the warm skin of his neck, and my tongue tingled with the taste of salt.
‘Please Callie, I’m begging you…please stop,’ he whispered without moving.
I hesitated, but I was beyond the point of stopping. I stepped in front of him; the rain had eased, and I could hear the horses shuffling. A biting cold had infiltrated the damp air. His eyes remained closed, and I placed my hands either side of his face, his cheeks burned beneath my cool palms. Tightening my grip, I urged him forward, but he resisted. I brought my face to his pausing just long enough to enjoy the sensation of his breath on my lips. Then very, very slowly I brushed my mouth against his.
The pitchfork clattered to the floor, and his body burst to life. His arms encircled me, lifting me from the ground as his lips crushed down on mine. I was both stunned and thrilled by his desperation; his embrace was so tight I could barely breathe. I gasped and his arms loosened. He lowered me down, but the passion behind his kiss didn’t fade. His hands cupped my face pulling me closer—I was like oxygen for a drowning man. The sensation of his tongue, lightly touching my top lip, brought a fresh wave of excitement. My tight corset, which only allowed short sharp gasps, threatened to steal the strength from my legs. He grabbed my waist and lifted me on to a nearby rail, bringing our faces level. I wrapped my legs around his torso, desperately seeking the pressure of him against my aching pelvis. His mouth dropped to my throat finding new skin to taste. Small moans escaped with each escalating breath as unfathomable pleasure raced to every corner of my being.
I ripped at his shirt freeing it at the waist, my hands claiming the smooth skin of his back. I dug my fingers into his shoulders, and his body quivered. I could no longer remember anything but him—he was all I could taste, all I could smell, all I could feel. It was so right, so very, very right, like I’d known him for all eternity.
With great effort, I broke free. I wanted to take him to the tack room so I could lie with him. The dim light revealed his desire, and I reached down to stroke him, but he caught my hand.
‘This is wrong Callie,’ he whispered.
His conflict was confronting, but I didn’t relent. Bringing his hand to my mouth, I kissed each finger. ‘It’s not wrong,’ I assured.
Sli
ding down from the rail, I started pulling him towards the tack room. He let me lead him right up to the doorway before stopping. I turned with a pout, looking into his rich brown eyes. They were the eyes of the only man I would ever truly love, and I wanted them to be the only ones I ever saw again. Those eyes had shared every emotion imaginable as we’d grown up together, and perhaps at that moment I should have noticed the agony flooding them, or the tortured soul awakened in their depths, but instead, I dealt my final blow.
‘Tell me you love me, Aydin. Just one time…Even if it’s not true.’
He took a stilted breath, and his chin trembled. He pulled my hands to his chest resting them over his heart. I could feel the heavy thud below; his gaze never faltered. ‘But it is true,’ he whispered. ‘I do love you. I loved you as a child, and I love you as a woman. I love you so much that I have no part of me left I can call my own. But that still doesn’t make this right, no matter how much I want it to be.’
I clutched at his shirt desperately. ‘But it does make it right,’ I implored. ‘I love you too Aydin, and I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything. Please Aydin, can’t you see how I adore you.’ I pushed up onto my tiptoes, so our lips nearly touched. ‘I’m begging you…please, please give me just one night.’
He exhaled harshly, and I pulled away, his eyes shut slowly, and he became unnaturally still.
‘Aydin?’ I breathed, terrified I’d lost him.
Suddenly his eyes shot open, and he grabbed me before I could say another word. He kissed me, and I clung to him as he carried me into the room. I felt my back hit the wall and I ripped at his shirt, freeing the agonizing perfection of his upper body. I caressed the soft hair covering his chest, and we both stilled, suddenly aware of his semi-nakedness. He pulled me into his embrace, tucking my head under his chin.
The smell of fresh sweat mixed with aging saddles left my mouth dry; his heart pounded against my ear. I lifted my chin to claim his kiss once more. The desire ignited again, and I started fumbling with my riding jacket, desperate to feel his bare skin against mine. There were so many restricting layers but I was determined to lose them all. He helped me remove each one, tenderly stroking each piece of flesh as it was slowly revealed.
I was soon naked, and a flash of lightning lit the room illuminating both my body and vulnerability. I saw his eyes travel over my breasts and a sudden sense of humiliation brought my arms to cover them.
He smiled gently and held out his hand. I accepted it, and heat rose to my face as he pulled me closer. I leaned into him, delighted by the pure contact. His hardness rubbed against my hip, straining the material at the front of his pants. All sense of embarrassment dissolved as lust, once again, stripped away decorum.
‘Take them off,’ I coaxed, tugging at his waistband. He tensed, burying his face in my hair. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘I’m worried I will disappoint you.’
The softly spoken confession brought tears to my eyes. ‘You could never disappoint me, Aydin. You owned my heart the second we met… maybe even before then.’
He exhaled heavily—my words had hit their mark. Sweeping me into his arms he carried me to the couch. He lay me down and pulled off his boots; his pants soon followed. I barely caught a glimpse of him before he was on top of me and my legs enveloped his. He looked at me with god-like reverence as he lowered slowly. He filled me, and the exquisite sensation nearly drove me to the brink of insanity. I loved the feel of his body on mine, and I mourned for the skin that was not touching his. His quick breaths matched his escalating thrusts; each movement amplified the electricity coursing through my pelvis.
Outside the storm re-intensified and each lightning strike revealed a snapshot of his face frozen in pleasure. The rain fell harder, until it couldn’t possibly be any louder. We were fused together; the cool night air, contrasting with the friction heating our bodies. Inside me the intense rapture twisted on itself, building in strength, curling tighter and tighter till it exploded, shattering into a million pieces of glorious delight.
Aydin was trembling as he pushed deep, one final time. His head flung back, and his loud cry echoed the thunderous skies as he collapsed onto my chest. His weight made it hard to breathe, but I didn’t care, I loved the way he held me still, making it impossible to move. I didn’t want that moment to ever finish, and I didn’t want his body to ever leave mine. I was alive for one reason…and that was to be with this man.
***
The murky, morning light tore me from my dreams, revealing the reality of what we had done. At some stage during the night, in between countless lovemaking, Aydin had found a blanket, and we lay curled in each other’s arms, the rough, gray material cocooning us together.
Aydin stirred and his eyes shot open as the color drained from his face.
‘Aydin?’
He didn’t answer. His gaze shifted to the ceiling, and he let out a long, painful sigh. There was straw in his ruffled hair, and he looked so perfect. I held him tighter but his arms only loosened and my awakening dread turned to panic.
I propped up on one elbow trying to catch his gaze. ‘What are we going to do? I can’t live without you. I know getting married was a horrible mistake but there must be some way we can fix this.’
He winced at the word ‘married,’ and his arms fell away. He sat up and rubbed his eyes roughly. ‘Last night was the horrible mistake, not your marriage.’
I tried to hold on to him, but he stood and started dressing. I wrapped myself in the blanket, fear clawing at my soul.
‘You must get dressed,’ he said firmly.
I got to my feet and glared at his back. ‘Why didn’t you fight for me, Aydin?’ He froze. ‘I said, why didn’t you fight for me?’
He stared at the ground, his fingers flexing. ‘That’s not fair Callie?’
‘Answer me,’ I demanded.
His pale face twisted and his hands balled into fists. His eyes were so cold. ‘Because I couldn’t!’ he yelled.
I jumped; I’d never heard him yell before. My chin began to quiver uncontrollably. ‘Why…why couldn’t you?’
He turned to face me. ‘Because you are above me,’ he replied angrily. ‘Because your family has been good to us. Because I couldn’t betray him like that. I wanted to tell you how I felt, I was going to tell you, but your father…’
‘But my father what?’
His mouth puckered in frustration. ‘Nothing,’ he replied, tucking his shirt in.
In an instant, I realized what he was saying. ‘Oh,’ I said throwing my hand over my mouth. ‘That day at the stable. He was telling you to stay away from me.’
He looked at me and a single tear tracked down his cheek. ‘I don’t know how he knew,’ he whispered. ‘He told me I was like a son to him, and that as his son, he hoped I shared his desire to take care of you. To match you with a suitable partner, so you’d want for nothing… I wanted to be good enough, I would have done anything to be good enough. But he was right, I couldn’t give you the life you deserve. And now last night… I have proven I was never good enough.’
I was speechless, devastated and furious with my father. How could he do this to me? I wanted to scream, to cry, it was so incredibly unfair. ‘Aydin.’ My voice nearly broke. ‘You did nothing wrong, I came to you. It never should have been like this. You are beyond good enough, and I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. You should have been my husband. I never wanted money or status…I just wanted you.’
Neither of us moved, we just stared at each other lost in our own regret. I was trying to imagine my life with this incredible man, and the agony that came with each image tore at every cell in my body.
He cleared his throat and looked away. ‘What’s done is done. All I can do now is leave, and assure you I’ll go to my grave with this secret… And it will never, ever happen again.’
The determination in his voice matched his expression, but I didn’t want to hear this. He gathered my clothes and held them out. I just stood
, clutching the blanket around my body. ‘Run away with me Aydin. Let’s run away and just be together. I will want for nothing as long as I’m with you.’
He didn’t soften. ‘It will never happen. Now please, get dressed, you must leave. The others will be here soon.’
‘I will not leave.’
He threw my clothes onto the couch. I reached for him, but he moved away.
‘It’s not an option Callie. Enough damage has been done. I’m leaving today.’
I grabbed his arm. ‘You can’t go. I cannot exist without you.’
He tore free of my grip and marched from the room.
I dressed as quickly as I could and chased after him, but he’d already saddled Fern. ‘Aydin please, please don’t do this. You are my life. I’m begging you.’
I caught his attention, but all the light had gone from his eyes. I panicked, I couldn’t breathe. Spots swirled in front of my face, and my knees buckled. In an instant, he caught me, pulling me to his chest. I was back in his arms and so happy to be there, but as soon as I stabilized he lifted me onto my horse. I tried to fight him, to get off, but he kept me there.
His lips pulled into a fierce line. ‘Callie, you will leave. You will forget this and forget me. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, and I’ll not ruin that. I will never, ever be with you. This is over… You must understand.’
‘You don’t mean it.’
‘Yes. I do.’
This wasn’t happening, my entire world was falling apart. Hot tears flowed, and all I could do was sit there stunned, as he led my horse to the stable door. Opening it gently he checked for prying eyes. The morning sun caressed my face with its soft warmth—it would be a beautiful day, I could tell that already, but all I wanted to do was to fall to the earth and never breathe again.
Aydin held my horse longer than he needed to. I sensed he had more to say but couldn’t bring himself to utter the words. I would not let him do this. I tried again to get down, but he moved quickly pinning my legs in place. I struggled; Fern fretted, jumping sideways. The movement caught Aydin off guard, and the edge of my stirrup struck his face. He reeled backward.
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