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excuse me
excuse me
THE SURVIVAL GUIDE TO
MODERN BUSINESS ETIQUETTE
Rosanne J. Thomas
FOR JEAN
contents
Introduction
chapter 1
Respect: Practicing the Platinum Rule
Real Respect
Respect for Experience
Respect for Diversity
chapter 2
Social Skills: Putting Your Best Foot Forward
Social Skills
The Hiring Process
The Interview Experience
The Generational Challenge
chapter 3
Professional Presence: Getting It Right
The Right Brand
The Right Attitude
The Right Appearance
The Right Way to Travel
chapter 4
Business Behavior: Combining Proven Strategies with 21st Century Expectations
The Glass Door
Everyday Manners
Business Meetings
The Team
The Cubicle Farm
The Open Office
The New Schedules
The Benefits Buffet
The New Realities
chapter 5
Business Communication: Making the Connection
Nonverbal Cues
The Eyes Have It
The Good Conversationalist
The Power of Speech
The Good Listener
chapter 6
Electronic Communication: Smart Rules for Smart Devices
Telephone Skills
Telephone Options
Email
Hardware
The Message
chapter 7
Twitter, Etc.: Acing Social Media
Your Digital Footprint
The Cyber Citizen
The Social Network
Social Sites
chapter 8
Business Dining: Observing the Formalities
The Business of Hospitality
Hosts and Guests
The Mechanics of a Meal
Dining Decorum
chapter 9
The Social Side of Business: Knowing the Basics for Every Situation
Entertaining Clients
Wine
Tipping
Activities and Events
Colleagues
chapter 10
New Frontiers: Future-Proofing Your Career
The Future Workplace
Gen Zs
Constant Connectivity
Digital Detox
The Eternal Truths
Conclusion
Acknowledgments
Notes
Index
About the Author
Free Sample from The Power of Presence
About AMACOM
introduction
Growing up, I cannot recall ever hearing my parents mention etiquette. A fussy word that conjures up a certain level of affectation, it was likely not the first one that came to mind for my parents who were otherwise involved in the care, feeding, and general management of six children. Yet respectful behavior—the actual manifestation of good etiquette—was indeed mentioned and modeled by my parents continually, and expected of us every day. Of course, being considerate of our siblings was not our first inclination. As kids vying for attention or the last piece of pie, sharing and waiting our turns were not second nature to us. But we did our best because we knew such behaviors were nonnegotiable.
In our family, manners lessons came in many forms. Our naval officer dad would often remind us to “take all you want, but eat all you take” (military-ese for not being greedy or wasteful) and not to “short-stop” (when passing food, not to help yourself first, especially if it is the last serving). Our high-school teacher mom let us know that the correct response when she called our names was “Yes?” not “What??” She reminded us that “please” and “thank you” were not to be omitted and that arguing was a nonstarter.
One of my fondest childhood memories was of our mom and dad bravely piling us into our big station wagon on Friday nights and taking us to a local Italian restaurant for dinner. A huge treat for us, we were fully cognizant that any future excursions depended entirely upon how well we behaved. Since no one child dared jeopardize this for the rest, we rose to the occasion every time. And we learned how to twirl spaghetti in the process! We also learned—to our amazement—that this whole concept of showing good manners had an upside. Good things and ice cream came to those who were polite.
This trip down memory lane may evoke similar reminiscences from those who also came of age sometime in the 20th century. We remember when parents were shown respect simply because they were parents. We recall how family dinner was sacred: Everyone showed up on time, hands cleaned, and ready to participate in a family discussion. At these meals, children learned how to hold their forks and knives, how to speak when it was their turn, and how to listen when it was someone else’s turn. Telephone calls were never taken. When outside the home, people dressed up for school, church, and travel; showed respect for authority; and with most audiences, generally kept their language profanity-free.
Much of what constituted respectful behavior a generation or two ago seems positively quaint by today’s standards, with little relevance in the 21st century. Back then, parents were parents, and friends were friends, and never the twain did meet. Today, many parents are their children’s best friends, and vice versa. Then, showing respect for authority figures such as adults, teachers, and employers was simply done. Today, the very idea of authority is questioned. Then, sit-down meals were a nightly ritual. Today, coordinating schedules and dietary preferences to make such an event happen seems like far too much work.
In other ways, though, civility in the 21st century looks very much like it did before, even if its tenets are now applied in different ways. Today, we hear about the importance of authenticity and transparency. Back then, it was known as telling the truth. Today, teamwork is the mantra. Back then, you couldn’t win a game of touch football without it. Today, organizations are embracing conversation cultures, as though conversing with colleagues is a new workplace invention. Last century, there were expectations of appropriate attire and behavior on the job. Today, there still are, even if they are defined in new ways.
Of course, much has changed—dramatically. In the 20th century, questions about how to refer to a gay colleague’s spouse, whether it was okay to text the boss at home over the weekend, or how to handle a checkered online past did not come up because the situations did not yet exist.
Add to this the generational challenge, as millennials—considered digital natives because they grew up with digital technology—try to work side by side with digital immigrants: traditionalists, baby boomers, and Gen Xers. These generations speak different languages, hold different values, and have different goals. Some say that because of the sheer number of millennials and their presumed influence, a new playbook for workplace behavior should be designed predominantly with this group in mind. But millennials are still outnumbered by the previous generations combined, and the previous generations are still mostly in charge. Gen Z is also coming up fast. Soon, there wi
ll be five generations needing to figure out how to work together.
In a workplace rife with opportunity for misunderstanding, people often do the wrong thing, at great expense to relationships and reputations. Workplace incivility—unintentional or sometimes deliberate—is rampant. Nine out of 10 employees say they have experienced or witnessed incivility on the job. And it’s costly. “Job stress, much of which stems from workplace incivility, costs U.S. corporations $300 billion a year.”1
How do employee populations come together with such disparate ways of looking at the work environment today? How are best behavioral practices identified to mitigate misunderstandings and ensure everyone feels understood and heard within a corporate culture? How do individuals and organizations burnish personal and company brands to position themselves most competitively in a fiercely competitive global arena? It’s a tall order, but it can be done. It requires adoption of a new playbook for workplace behavior that respects the individual, which in turn paves the way for the greatest mutual success.
Excuse Me takes on this challenge. Incorporating dozens of real-life scenarios, hundreds of practical tips, valuable advice from those on the front line, and resources for additional information, Excuse Me explores what it takes to survive—and thrive—in today’s demanding global workplace. It takes a look at the root of workplace disrespect, from corporate cultures and the behaviors they allow to the uncertainty in interacting with coworkers of different genders, races, sexual orientations, cultures, physical abilities, and backgrounds.
A respectful workplace is a more pleasant workplace, and there are very real bottom-line advantages that accrue to organizations that uphold them. Eric Imparato, a principal at the accounting firm Wolf & Co., said, “In a commodity marketplace, it’s easy to translate skills into shareholder value. People are differentiated by how they behave and can charge greater rates as a result.”
As readers go through these pages and consider the innumerable ways they are evaluated in the workplace, they may find themselves thinking, “Uh-oh, I should have been doing that” or “Whoa, I definitely should not have been doing that!” Have readers made missteps? If they are anything like me, they have—and will again. This is understandable. There is a great deal of new information to absorb and realities to accept. These, combined with everyday work and life stresses, create an ideal environment for interpersonal missteps.
The very good news is that the practice of on-the-job etiquette does not require anyone to be perfect. It only requires a good faith effort to know and do the right thing, and when one errs, to employ the all-powerful apology to right the ship. We will need others to excuse us as we get up to speed with new business expectations and the needs of the various workplace populations, just as we will excuse those who are trying their level best to do the same. We will not dwell on past transgressions—ours’ or others’—but instead simply identify opportunity areas for growth and change and make continuous improvements toward our objectives.
My goal for readers is that they develop confidence in themselves and in their interactions with others and feel empowered to bring their best, most authentic selves to the workplace each and every day. Excuse Me makes it everyone’s responsibility to treat everyone else with respect and civility. Because when employees feel respected and valued, individuals and organizations win.
excuse me
chapter 1
respect
Practicing the Platinum Rule
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you’ve said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
—MAYA ANGELOU
She hasn’t been even one week on the job at Push Hard Marketing and 23-year-old Abby knows she made a huge mistake. There had been warning signs. Her new employer’s rating on Glassdoor was a mere 2.9 out of 5. The interviewer’s vagueness about the team, the manager, and even why this sought-after position was available all raised red flags. But the website’s job description dovetailed perfectly with her interests and education, and the company billed itself as collaborative and inclusive, all major advantages in Abby’s book. And besides, she needed a job.
Her reception is chilly. One week in, virtually no one has spoken with her. Her questions illicit one-word answers or shrugged shoulders. There is a supposed “welcome to the team” meeting about to begin, but the manager is late. The team members wait. Some glance furtively in Abby’s direction. One has his eyes glued to his iPhone. Another grouses that he’s got better things to do. Then Abby overhears a complaint about having to break in another new hire.
The manager finally arrives and launches immediately into the team’s dismal quarterly results, telling them they have three months to turn things around or they’ll all be looking for new jobs. And, “Oh, by the way, make sure you get your new team member up to speed.” The manager gets a call and leaves. The team unleashes a diatribe about their clueless boss before the meeting deteriorates into a cacophony of complaints and interruptions.
While they completely ignore Abby, she decides, then and there, that she will start her new job search today.
We are all familiar with the ancient and venerable Golden Rule, which impels us to treat others as we would wish to be treated. While noble, in today’s world and workplace of diverse ages, cultures, sexual orientations, experiences, preferences, goals, and lifestyles, the Golden Rule falls short. Its basic premise is that there is only one frame of reference—one’s own—for determining how another would like to be treated. A newer rule, the Platinum Rule, goes one big step farther by requiring truly respectful people to treat others as they would wish to be treated. Dr. Milton J. Bennett, founding director and CEO of the nonprofit Intercultural Development Research Institute, introduced the term in his 1979 article, Overcoming the Golden Rule: Sympathy and Empathy. Dr. Bennett says the Golden Rule is based on an assumption of similarity between individuals while the Platinum Rule assumes there are differences.1
By most accounts, the workplace has a way to go toward the widespread adoption of the Platinum Rule—or the Golden Rule, for that matter. Whether accidental or deliberate, the lack of respect in the workplace is a pervasive, serious, and costly problem. Inroads are being made as organizations expand inclusion strategies, but there is still a great deal of work to do.
Real Respect
Jane, an administrator at well-respected Bay Farm Hospital, had been looking forward to this year’s healthcare conference. Many of her colleagues will be there, and she’ll have a chance to network with peers from the world’s leading hospitals. The luncheon is an open-seating buffet, and Jane sees Phil, who she knows casually from her hospital, at a table with a free spot. She asks if she can join him and the four other men at the table. Phil nods, quickly introduces Jane, and then continues to regale the group with the very “blue” sexist joke he is telling.
As Phil reaches the end of his joke, he inserts Jane’s name in the punch line. Phil, laughing loud and proud of how clever he is, at first does not realize no one is laughing with him. When he finally notices the embarrassed looks on the other men’s faces and the horror on Jane’s face, he tries in vain to salvage the situation. With a forced laugh, he announces to the table, “Way to ruin a punchline, Jane!”
The foundation of civility is respect, which is the outward expression of esteem or deference. This is the foundational requirement and, without that, no other behaviors ring true. Respect extends to peoples’ privacy, physical space, property, viewpoints, philosophies, religion, gender, ethnicity, physical abilities, background, age, beliefs, and personality. Respect and disrespect can be shown by language, gestures, and actions. Respect is what employees say they want most from their employers and coworkers: respect for their experience, education, intelligence, skill, creativity, hard work, dedication, and the results they produce. Yet respect is what employees say they get least.
Employees, management, and organizations at large are characterized by the behaviors they ex
hibit and allow. Disrespectful behavior runs the gamut from neglecting basic civilities and outright rudeness to discrimination and bullying. Throughout managements’ ranks, disrespect manifests itself with favoritism, subtle pressure, condoning damaging behavior or speech, neglecting to follow up on complaints of harassment or bullying, and criticizing or firing employees who voice concerns. Organizations that engage in illegal or unethical activities, such as deceptive business practices, embezzlement, and predatory pricing, and the cultures such activities create, also contribute to this problem.
It’s not enough to say an organization values respect and civility. The boss who preaches the importance of respectful listening without practicing it is better off saying nothing at all. Dr. Todd Whitaker and Dr. Steve Gruenert, professors of educational leadership at Indiana State University and authors of the book School Culture Rewired, say, “The culture of any organization is shaped by the worst behavior the leader is willing to tolerate.”2 It stands to reason that a culture would also be shaped by the best behavior a leader is willing to model.
An incredible 80 percent of employees believe they get no respect at work, and a whopping 95 percent report they have experienced or witnessed disrespect in the workplace,3 according to Christine Pearson and Christine Porath, authors of the book The Cost of Bad Behavior. Mike Miles, head of social strategy for online retailer SmartSign, said in his article “Workplace Bullying Costs Companies Billions, Wrecks Victims’ Health” that the price tag to the U.S. economy for all of this bad behavior is an estimated “360 billion annually due to turnover and decreased work productivity.”4
Disrespect also comes in subtle forms through microaggression. Dr. Derald Wing Sue, Ph.D., professor of counseling psychology at Columbia University, defines microaggressions as “the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.”5 Reflecting unconscious bias, a microaggression can be a “compliment” to an African American colleague on how articulate he is or a remark to a female executive on how impressively she balances work and family responsibilities.
Excuse Me Page 1
