If someone is angry, she will narrow her eyes, lower her chin, purse her lips, raise a corner of her mouth, place her hands on her hips, glare, or point or wag a finger.
How close we stand to others is another means of nonverbal communication that is culture-specific. Americans feel most comfortable sitting or standing at an arm’s length, but this distance would be considered too far apart among Middle Easterners and South Americans and too close among the Japanese. According to the life skills website, skillsyouneed. com, Westerners recognize four categories of distance: intimate, personal, social, and public.6 When you violate those norms, knowingly or not, you make others feel uncomfortable.
KNOW THE DISTANCES
Intimate distance ranges from touching to about 1.5 feet. This distance is reserved for close personal relationships, where eye contact and other nonverbal cues are not necessarily critical. This distance is too close for professional interactions as most will feel their space is being violated.
Personal distance is somewhere between 1.5 feet and 3.8 feet. This distance is good for shaking hands or conversing with a friend or colleague. Depending upon the relationship, people may start at a lesser distance and move farther apart after introductions have been made. They may also move closer as the conversation progresses. This distance allows for observation of important nonverbal cues.
Social or professional distance is anywhere from 3.8 to 11 feet. In this setting, the situation determines the distance at which to position yourself. If working on a project, you would be at the closer end of the range. If presenting at a meeting, the farther end is more appropriate.
Public distance of 11 to 14 feet is used mainly by public speakers. At this distance, the subtlety of facial expressions is lost, which is why many public speakers rely upon expansive gestures to underscore their messages.
In conversation, note how far others stand from you. If you lessen or increase the space they will unconsciously move until their comfort level is restored. If you aren’t sure how close to stand to someone, keep to the closer end of the social/professional distance range.
The Eyes Have It
Margot, new to the IT team, has outstanding credentials but her six-month performance review was mixed. There were no complaints about her work, but there were many about how she interacts with her team members. Margot, her team claims, is unapproachable, prickly, and dismissive. Teammates are afraid to interrupt her when she is on the phone or computer, and she is always on one or the other. This is a problem because they need to work together as a team.
So Margot is called into a meeting with Josephine, the HR manager, to discuss the matter. Josephine plans to ask Margot to assess her relationship with the team, thinking that if she recognizes her disconnect with her colleagues, the issue could be more easily rectified. Margot arrives, plops down in a chair, keeps her eyes glued to her phone, and says, “Okay, what’s this all about?” Josephine tells her about the concerns voiced by her colleagues. She asks Margot if she can think of any areas in which she could improve her communication. Without taking her eyes off of her phone, Margot says, “That’s ridiculous. I treat everyone respectfully. I don’t know what they’re talking about.”
Josephine realizes this is going to be a much harder problem to solve than she had hoped.
When it looks like we are not listening, relationships may be at risk. We always need to decide what is more important at a given moment: connecting with the person in front of us or connecting with others virtually. When we make eye contact with others, we not only show respect and attention, we connect, build trust, and bond. Doctors, attorneys, and coaches use it to comfort, persuade, influence, encourage, and control. Without eye contact, they could not effectively do their jobs.
The extent and implications of eye contact vary from culture to culture. Among Asians, subordinates do not initiate direct eye contact with superiors, as it could be construed as disrespectful. In African and Latin American cultures, looking someone in the eye may be interpreted as aggressive or confrontational. In the Arab world, men engage in a high degree of eye contact, but consider it inappropriate between men and women. Britons engage in less eye contact than Americans, and Southern Europeans, more. When interacting with international business partners, it is important to remember these differences to avoid giving or taking unintended offence.
Eye contact does not come easily for everyone. Some find it threatening and others just find it uncomfortable. But in the U.S. and many other cultures, making eye contact is critical.
EYE CONTACT
Keep eyes up. Do not look at other parts of the body. Gazes should be reflective of professional, not personal or intimate, relationships.
Make direct eye contact. Hold someone’s eyes for about five to seven seconds in conversation, look away for a few seconds, and then look back. He will know you are engaged without feeling under a microscope. If direct eye contact feels intimidating, look at the bridge of someone’s nose or lower forehead.
Aim for eye contact 50 percent of the time. It can be more when listening and less when speaking. Too much eye contact comes across as aggressive and too little, timid.
Practice, practice, practice! Start with comfortable relationships, gradually moving on to acquaintances, passersby, cashiers, and wait staff. TV newscasters and even pets provide great opportunities to become more comfortable in making eye contact.
The Good Conversationalist
Darrell, a musician, was thrilled when he was asked to play for the President at a White House event. When he was informed he was welcome to bring a guest, Darrell immediately thought of Don, a longtime friend who had been involved in local politics for a number of years. The only thing was, Don was not a member of the President’s political party, nor was he particularly a fan. Still, Don was not going to pass up an opportunity to go to the White House and happily accepted.
On the day of the event, Don thought he had never seen as excited a group of adults as those who were assembled to meet the President. When the President arrived, he spoke briefly to each person, and when it was his turn, gave Don his complete and undivided attention. Don knew he was briefed on the guests in attendance but was still amazed and flattered when the President referenced the alma mater they shared and asked Don if he had had a particularly demanding professor. He had, and they shared a laugh at how difficult his course was. They spoke for only a few moments, but Don left the event in awe, knowing he had been in the company of a great conversationalist.
Good conversationalists are polite. They know how to approach and join existing conversation groups. They know how to make smooth introductions and include everyone in conversations. They arm themselves with appropriate topics and steer clear of any that might be divisive or offensive. Good conversationalists know how to make seamless transitions from one topic to another, when to interject humor, and how to handle tricky situations such as conversational lulls or mistakes. They are good listeners and show interest in others. They do not argue, interrupt, or correct. Finally, good conversationalists know when it’s time to leave a conversation group and gracefully move on.
THE COMFORTABLE CONVERSATIONALIST
Be polite! Focus on others, not on your electronic device. Be present in the moment; don’t look around to see who might be more important or interesting to talk to.
Join the group. It’s always easier when someone invites you into a conversation group, but feel comfortable joining one on your own. Never stand by yourself looking bored or texting. Catch someone’s eye, smile, extend your hand, and say, “Hello, I’m Joan Smith.” Do not apologize for approaching a person or group at an event to which you were invited. It’s your job!
Make introductions. A good conversationalist is not shy about introducing herself. When making your introduction, offer a genuine smile, a warm, dry hand, full eye contact, and say your first and last name. In the social arena, age and gender determine the order of the introduction. Men are traditionally introduced to women and yo
unger persons to older persons. In a social setting, you would say, “Mrs. Adams, may I introduce Mr. Phillips?” In a professional setting, rank is the determining factor, not gender or age. Persons of lower rank or power are introduced to persons of higher rank or power. You would say, using their real names, “John Client, I would like to introduce Ann Boss. Ann Boss, this is John Client.” This order is followed because a client of any level outranks fellow employees of any level, even bosses and company presidents. After all, without clients, there are no companies!
Include everyone. Make eye contact with everyone, even those who are not talking. They will feel part of the group and may be encouraged to join in. Ask for their opinions about the topic at hand or what brought them to this event.
Be prepared. An experienced conversationalist knows the few seconds after an introduction can be awkward. Be ready with conversation topics to smooth the transition. When one-on-one, always be prepared to hold up at least 50 percent of a conversation. Tried and true topics like the weather, sports, or observations about the venue are always good icebreakers. Steer clear of risky topics such as religion or politics, or anything of a personal nature. Be creative! Eleanor Roosevelt would use the alphabet to get a conversation started. “Are you an art enthusiast?” or “Do you like baseball?” (Or cars, dogs, etc.) These will allow you, if need be, to break an awkward pause.
Cover up mistakes. Ignore the mistake if you can: if you can’t, downplay it. Say, “I do that all the time!” The person who made the mistake will be grateful, and you can immediately move on. If you made the mistake and it goes unnoticed, keep it that way. Otherwise, apologize or laugh it off and let it go.
Squelch inappropriate remarks or topics. Tricky situations need someone to take control and smooth things over without causing embarrassment for the person who introduced the topic or for others in the group. If possible, pretend you didn’t hear the comment, and change the subject. If necessary, be more direct, and say, “Can we talk about something else?” or “I’m sorry, I don’t agree,” or “I don’t think that’s appropriate.” Then move on to a new subject—or a new conversation group.
Know how to move on. Never monopolize others. The actual length of time you are in a conversation depends upon what you are talking about and with whom, but generally, be prepared to move on after about five to seven minutes. Say, “It was lovely speaking with you,” or “Enjoy the evening,” or “I hope we meet again!” Better to have ended a conversation with someone wishing it had lasted longer than having him regret he had to talk to you for so long!
The road to becoming a good conversationalist is bound to include some speed bumps. Keep trying. Most people won’t even notice if you get a name wrong or mispronounce words. They’ll be too concerned with the impressions they are making upon you!
The Power of Speech
Charlotte’s organizational skills were unmatched. As executive assistant to the managing partner at an international law firm, she meticulously kept her boss’s calendar, prioritized matters that needed his attention, scheduled his meetings, arranged his travel, maintained his correspondence, and screened his visitors. Charlotte researched information for her boss, as well as prepared spreadsheets, took meeting minutes, organized expense reports, reconciled charge card statements, made reservations, and bought and sent business gifts. When asked, she offered her perspective and gave advice. And on top of all of these responsibilities, she supervised the entire administrative staff.
Charlotte was perfect except for one thing. She had a dreadful telephone manner. She was abrupt with callers, including clients and board members, dismissive of staff, argumentative with vendors and service providers, and rude to solicitors. At best she had an imperious tone, at worst she raised her voice in anger to callers she thought had wasted her valuable time. But she never did any of these things within her boss’s earshot.
And then one day, he unexpectedly walked into the office and heard her on the telephone. That was Charlotte’s last day as executive assistant to the managing partner. She wasn’t fired, but was immediately relieved of her responsibilities and demoted. In front of the whole staff she had treated so disrespectfully, she emptied her desk of her personal belongings into a box and carried that box out of the executive suite to a cubicle at the far end of the building.
The way you say something is far more important than the words themselves. Tone of voice conveys confidence, enthusiasm, respect, and interest, or the lack thereof. Pay attention to the delivery of your messages, because they can be easily misinterpreted and tarnish your brand in the process. Speaking patterns matter, too. Are you a high talker? A low talker? A fast, slow, loud, or close talker? Do you wander from the point or supply unnecessary detail and take too long to finish what you are saying? If you have ever gotten feedback about your speech, consider it a gift and take it seriously.
Keep in mind that it’s possible you’re getting feedback without realizing it. Do others often ask you to slow down, speak up, or repeat what you’ve said? Do they sometimes finish your sentences or supply words? Are you ever asked to lower your voice, either verbally or with a “keep it down” gesture? These are signals that indicate you may want to work on your speech.
Speaking too softly can make you come across as timid or unsure of your message. Speaking too loudly can make you seem aggressive. A very rapid rate of speech may indicate to others nervousness, overexcitement, or impatience. Taking too long to make a point may come across as someone who likes to hear himself talk.
Any of these speech patterns may annoy, frustrate, or cause concern to others. As such, it makes sense to try and modify them. Some characteristics are easier to change than others. But since strong communication skills are important for success, improvements are worth the effort.
SPEECH TWEAKS
Speak louder. Think about what you want to say before you say it! Breathe from the diaphragm, and speak at an even, measured pace. Practice by reading aloud, and ask for feedback. Tune in to nonverbal cues. If others appear to be straining to hear, raise your voice, but do not shout.
Speak more softly. Record yourself in conversation to determine your volume relative to others. Practice speaking more quietly. Strive for warmth and resonance in your voice. Speak less. Use nonverbal cues to relay your message instead of words alone.
Slow down your pace. Enunciate each syllable. Have a clear message in mind, and speak in full sentences. Insert pauses, or “commas,” into your speech. Control emotions.
Speed up your pace. Read aloud and time yourself to get to a pace of about 150 words per minute. Introduce emotion into your voice.
Speak succinctly. Employ an economy of words, and be as concise as possible. Make sure conversations are not sermons. Use appropriate vocabulary, not fancy words.
Professional resources are available to help you. Investing in voice coaching, improv lessons, or public speaking courses, such as those offered by Toastmasters, could quickly get your speaking skills up to par. Pulitzer Prize–winning American public affairs columnist William Raspberry said, “Good English, well spoken and well written, will open more doors for you than a college degree. Bad English, poorly written, will slam doors that you didn’t even know existed.”
Words still matter. Polite expressions that used to be commonplace and much appreciated are too often missing from many modern vocabularies. “You’re welcome” has been replaced by “No problem,” “Yup,” or “Uh-huh.” “I’m sorry” is now a shrug of the shoulders, an “Oh well,” or a “What ev.” “Hello” and “Good morning” are now “Hey,” “How’s it goin’?” or “S’up?” As always, the culture of the group dictates the norm, and if you are among coworkers who speak in a certain way, by all means feel free to join in. But generally, professional settings require more formal speech, especially if relationships are new, are one-time-only encounters, or involve persons from other countries. It is then best to err on the side of traditional politeness and offer a full-throated “Hello,” “Tha
nk you,” or “I’m sorry.”
When conversing with someone from another country, it is important to remember that the meaning of even a seemingly unambiguous word like yes is not universal. In some cultures, such as the Japanese, it is considered rude to say no. You may get a hai to something you say, but that only means someone hears or understands you, not necessarily that he agrees.
Mark Twain once said, “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” Choose your words carefully, and use only those you can truly own. Know what the words mean, how they are pronounced, and the right context in which to use them. My friend mixes up common sayings so much that we’ve actually come to welcome and delight in them. This Ivy League graduate has notably said, “I’d swallow my sword for him” (fall on my sword), “Fair complete” (fait accompli), and “That’s some beautiful blink” (beautiful bling). Among friends, such malapropisms can be funny and endearing, but business associates could be left wondering.
The words you use are an important element of your brands. Ban annoying terms, words, and clichés such as “touch base,” “circle back,” “deep dive,” “value-add,” “deliverable,” “bandwidth,” “synergize,” “killing it,” “socialize,” and “low-hanging fruit.” Resist peppering conversations with the latest slang. These words and terms can come across as unprofessional and exclusionary and are often dated within months. However, sites like onlineslangdictionary.com will keep you up on the latest, and allow you to understand the jargon. Avoid saying “utilize” or “signage” when “use” or “sign” work just as well. Steer clear of using words and phrases that made Financial Times columnist Lucy Kellaway’s annual list of the “worst corporate guff.” She said, “2015 broke all records for obfuscation, euphemism and ugliness.” Examples included nouns used as verbs such as “to effort,” “to language,” and “to front burnerize,” and euphemisms such as “ventilate” underperformers (fire), “bilateral telephonic meeting” (phone call), and “be careful of the optics of your personal brand” (tuck your shirts in).7
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