One might agree that dining skills are important, but question whether the lack of them is an issue. It is. We have mentioned that one of the biggest obstacles millennials face in the workplace is their perceived lack of social skills, dining skills among them. Many think that the decline in teaching manners, traditionally done at home, began in the 1970s as women began to enter the workplace in greater numbers. Scheduling demands put the family dinner on the back burner, so to speak. As a result, the basics of how to use silverware and engage in respectful conversations, and why the telephone is not answered during the meal, went untaught. But if this theory is correct, it is not only millennials who missed out on these important lessons—a fair share of their older colleagues may have as well.
Hosts and Guests
Bill didn’t really mind that his guest had picked out the restaurant. It was his city after all, and he knew the best places. And Bill thought as long as his prospect was happy, the better the chances their relationship would get off to a great start.
When Bill gets to the restaurant, he takes a peek at the menu. The prices are eye popping! Still, that was okay because this guy seemed like the real deal. His guest arrives and, after a bit of small talk, Bill invites him to order. “Okay,” he says to Bill. Then, to the server, he says, “I’ll start with a dozen oysters, then the Caesar salad, and the prime rib, rare.” After a momentary pause to mentally calculate the bill so far, Bill asks his guest if he’d like wine. “Sure,” he says, asking the server to “bring us your best bottle of Cabernet.”
Bill tries in vain over dinner to engage his prospect in conversation, each time only to be met by the man chewing a mouthful of food and gulping his wine. When dinner is finished and dessert offered, the client asks for the menu once again. He orders not just dessert, coffee, and an after-dinner drink for himself but, to Bill’s astonishment—dinner and dessert to take home to his wife!
The long evening finally nears its end and the check comes. As Bill reaches for his wallet, the client crumples his napkin into a ball and says to Bill, “Great dinner—thanks! My wife’s gonna love this,” holding up his wife’s take-home dinner order.
In delving into the subject of business entertaining, a good place to start is with the responsibilities of hosts and guests. Unlike the social arena in which such roles are not always defined, in business they generally are. And both factions need to know their responsibilities to play their parts accordingly.
Before an invitation is extended, a host must know why she is extending it. Being clear on what a host hopes to accomplish will inform all decisions to follow. Next is the choice of venue. Perhaps the occasion is a quick introductory or information-sharing meeting, where coffee at a local cafe or even the company cafeteria works well. Maybe it is a more leisurely get-to-know-you luncheon, where a quiet venue is the best choice. It could be a celebratory dinner, where nothing short of a five-star restaurant with an excellent wine list will do.
When selecting a venue, the host considers her guest’s convenience, comfort, and taste. If the guest’s food preferences are not known, the host opts for a restaurant with a wide assortment of popular foods. Most restaurants that cater to business clientele have selections that appeal to all comers, including vegetarians, pescatarians, carnivores, vegans, and the gluten-free. Some quick online menu research will reassure a host that her guest’s preferences, whatever they are, will be accommodated. A host does not, however, ask the guest to choose the restaurant. This puts undue pressure on the guest to discern what level of hospitality the host has in mind and what her own food preferences might be. But the host can suggest different kinds of food, for example, Japanese, Italian, seafood, steak, etc., to get a sense of what her guest might like.
It’s always a good idea for a host to scope out the prospective establishment before taking a valued client or prospect there. Are the food and service top-notch? Is the noise level acceptable? Does the table spacing allow for a private conversation? Is the décor tasteful? Is the menu understandable? Knowing that the venue will be suitable in all regards gives a host confidence and allows her to focus on the building of the relationship.
Once a venue is selected, an invitation is extended. Usually, a telephone or email invitation will suffice, but for a formal event such as a ceremony or banquet, a printed or engraved invitation may be in order. The formality of the event also dictates how far in advance an invitation is extended. For casual meals, it can be as short as a few days; for special occasions, it should be at least three weeks before, perhaps preceded by a “save the date” announcement.
On the day, the host arrives early, ready to greet her guest. If the guest gets there first and does not see his host, he may be concerned about having gotten the day, time, or place correct. Or he may just wonder why the host isn’t there—not a question a host wants a guest to ask. A host checks her guest’s coat and keeps the ticket to retrieve it later. The maître d’ escorts the guest to the table, and the host follows the guest. Once at the table, the host invites the guest to be seated in the best seat, which could be the one with the beautiful view or the most comfortable-looking chair. The guest sits to the right of the host at a table for four. If it is a table for two, they sit across from one another.
Immediately upon sitting, the host removes her napkin from the table and puts it in her lap. Menus will be presented after which the server, or ideally the host, invites the guest to have something to drink. If the guest accepts and chooses a drink containing alcohol, the host also orders a drink, although it does not need to be alcoholic. Having familiarity with the menu, the host makes suggestions to the guest, including some selections from the high end of the menu’s price range. This allows the guest to feel comfortable ordering without concern for price. If the guest does order lobster or Kobe beef at the host’s suggestion, she is prepared to order something commensurately expensive to relieve him of any concerns about being extravagant. Once the meals have been selected, the host offers the guest wine to accompany the meal. If there are two people dining and only one drinking wine, or if different kinds of wine are preferred, it is perfectly acceptable for diners to order wine by the glass. Otherwise, it is up to the host to order wine by the bottle. After the drinks arrive and the meals have been ordered, it’s time to get down to the business. The business of building a relationship, that is.
Throughout the meal, the host stays in complete control. She interacts with the server as needed, keeps the conversation going, handles any difficult situations that might arise, constantly anticipates her guest’s needs, and ends the meal gracefully. She has already made arrangements with the server or maître d’ to hold the check rather than present it at the table, sidestepping any possible awkward discussion about splitting the tab or leaving the tip. The meal over, the host escorts her guest from the restaurant, retrieves his coat, tips the coat-check person, and walks the guest to the front door. There, if a cab is needed, the host either hails one or tips the doorman for doing so.
When the host is a woman and the guest a man, or the guest is considerably older than the host, complications can arise. This is because some men and some older people feel more comfortable in the role of host. Both men and women want to guard against behaviors that hint at gender distinctions, and all want to avoid presuming that the older person automatically pays the bill. To ensure there is no question about who is hosting, one lets the server or maître d’ know upon her arrival that she is the host. The staff will then proceed accordingly, deferring to the host and guest as appropriate in their respective roles.
There are many things over which we have no control at business meals. Preparing for the inevitable hiccups, literal or otherwise, that are just part of the dining experience allows us to go with the flow. Staying calm, ignoring what we can, tactfully handling what we must, and laughing off the rest is the best approach. No matter what happens, it is truly never the end of the world. And who knows? It may even end up being a bonding moment!
What h
as the guest been up to while the host has been orchestrating this impeccable dining experience? Ideally, he has been displaying exemplary dining skills and enjoying this wonderful hospitality. A good guest knows this is his host’s show and does not usurp her responsibilities in any way.
The Mechanics of a Meal
Frank is ravenous. He comes to this business conference every year, mostly because they always host dinner at the best steak house in the city. He looks forward to this big, delicious dinner more than any other part of the conference.
Seated at the table, he grabs his napkin and gives it a big flap before tucking it under his chin. Now ready, he orders a gargantuan steak, to be broiled to his specifications, and a double order of thick-cut fries, golden and crisp, just the way he loves them! He holds his knife and fork, clenched in each fist, as though he were going to carve the beast himself.
In his mind, there is nothing better than this. Except, darn it, they always ruin things by bringing broccoli. Frank sure as heck is not going to let this broccoli get in the way of his perfect steak dinner. So he takes the bread off of his bread plate and puts it on the tablecloth. He then tips his dinner plate and pushes all the broccoli florets on to the empty bread plate.
There, problem solved.
First impressions always begin with limited information. There is the tendency to think that if someone is skilled in one area, say quantum physics, they are also skilled in another, say basic utensil-holding. If the person is not skilled at holding a fork, the thinking goes, how can he possibly be trusted with subatomic particles?
First Impressions
When there is a large group of attendees at an event or formal dinner, there may be a receiving line to allow attendees to meet the host and guest of honor. Since all eyes are on the VIPs in a receiving line, it is important to avoid boisterous behavior in line. Keep your right hand free for a handshake, and move quickly through the line. Next, it is time to meet and mingle. Savvy professionals take full advantage of this opportunity, because they know it may be the only chance they have to talk with certain people. Once seated, they are primarily responsible for talking with the persons to their right and left. It is inconsiderate to ignore one’s immediate dining partners in favor of those one deems more interesting or important across the table.
At the table, diners wait until all—or at least most—table companions are ready to sit down before they sit down themselves. They allow the host to indicate where they should sit, or if there are place cards, they sit accordingly. Diners enter their chairs from the chair’s right side to avoid colliding with persons seated to their left. In the business arena, where the focus is not on gender distinctions, men do not pull out women’s chairs or rise when they rise. However, if a woman (or a man) receives such treatment, she (or he) accepts it gracefully.
Once everyone is seated, guests wait for the host to remove his napkin from the table before doing so themselves. If the host neglects to do so once everyone is seated, diners may discreetly place their napkins in their laps. At fine restaurants, guests take in stride that servers may drape their napkins across their laps for them. The request for a dark-colored napkin may seem reasonable to avoid lint on one’s clothes or lipstick or food stains on one’s napkin, but it is not advised. The restaurant may not be able to accommodate the request, and it could come across as a bit persnickety.
Posture at the table is important. Sit up straight, but not stiffly, with both feet on the floor. When engaging in conversation, turn your head, not your whole body, to the person with whom you are speaking. Keep elbows and forearms off the table, and control nervous habits such as drumming fingers, tapping utensils against glasses, and excessively stirring drinks. When drinks or food arrive, wait until the host lifts his glass or a utensil before lifting yours. The host may offer a welcoming toast, and often glasses are clinked, but this is not necessary at business meals.
Napkin Etiquette
A napkin, of course, goes in the lap. If it is a large folded napkin, the crease goes toward the waist. A smaller napkin may lay flat in the lap. Never flap your napkin in midair to unfold it. During the course of a meal, if you wish to take a sip of a drink after having taken a bite of food, dab the corners of your mouth with your napkin first. This avoids the possibility of errant crumbs landing in or on the rim of the glass. Never tuck your napkin into your collar or belt or hoist your tie over your shoulder or tuck it into your shirt to protect it.
If you must leave the table for a moment, your napkin is placed on the seat of your chair, which indicates you are returning. Some people do not like the thought of placing a napkin where they and others have sat, and this is understandable. However, a soiled napkin placed back on the table can be unsightly for other guests. The server may also infer from this placement that you have left and proceed to clear your place setting. At an upscale restaurant, a napkin left on the chair will be quickly refolded by the server and replaced to the left of the plate or draped over the arm of the chair.
The most important thing to remember about napkins is to please use them! Licking your fingers or using the tablecloth to wipe them off is simply uncivilized behavior. Once the meal is finished, the host will place his napkin loosely folded to the left of the plate. Guests then do the same.
Silverware
There are many different styles of eating around the world, but the styles encountered most often in the U.S. are the American and Continental. In the American style, the fork is held in the nondominant hand, which for most is the left hand, and the knife is held in the dominant hand. The diner cuts his food, places the knife on the right side of the plate, blade facing in, and switches the fork to the other hand to eat. Food is scooped with the tines of the fork up. Only one kind of food, such as meat, vegetable, or potato, is eaten at a time. The American style calls for the hands to be placed in the lap when not holding silverware
In the Continental style of eating, the utensils are held in the same fashion as in the American style, but after cutting, the food is speared or pushed onto the fork with the knife and is immediately brought to the mouth, tines of the fork down. More than one kind of food can be on the fork, although the bite itself should not be too big. When resting between bites of food, the Continental style allows for the wrists to rest on the edge of the table.
The question about which style is preferred in the U.S.—American or Continental—comes up often. The answer is the style with which one is most comfortable. Many people like the Continental style because it seems elegant and efficient. Others like the American style because the angle of the fork allows for greater ease in eating some foods, especially those that lend themselves to being scooped such as peas, rice, and corn. Either style is perfectly acceptable, as is alternating between the styles, depending on the food.
The order of the use of silverware is simple: Start with the utensil farthest from the plate. If the table has been set incorrectly, use the utensil you know is correct. If you are missing a utensil, it is appropriate to ask for it. You can tell from the way the table has been set how many courses will be offered and in what order they will arrive. For a three-course meal of soup, entrée, and dessert, you will find a soupspoon to the far right of your setting, a knife next to the soupspoon (to the soupspoon’s left but to the right of the plate), and a fork to the left of the plate. Above the plate will be a dessert spoon with its handle to the right and directly below it, a dessert fork with its handle to the left. If you are ordering your own courses, the correct utensils will be brought to you for each course.
One of the most mentioned dining pet peeves is the way in which people hold their utensils. It is difficult to ignore someone holding a fork in a clenched fist or encircling its handle as if it were a flute. Spoons are often held in similarly inappropriate manners, and some diners use their knives like saws. It may be challenging to overcome lifelong bad habits, but with practice it can be done.
A spoon is held properly by placing the thumb on top of the handle at i
ts widest part and placing the handle of the spoon between the first and second fingers. This allows one to spoon soup away and sip from the side of the spoon.
A fork starts out in the nondominant hand, tines down, with the forefinger on the back of the handle and the tip of the finger no farther down the handle than to where the handle and tines meet. If the fork is switched to the dominant hand, as in the American style, the tines are up, and the utensil is held as one would hold a pencil.
A knife starts out in the dominant hand for cutting. Similar to the way in which the fork is held, the forefinger comes down the back of the handle to no farther down than where the handle and the blade meet. In the Continental style of eating, the knife is used to help secure food onto the fork. In the American style, the knife is placed down on the plate, blade facing in, and the fork is switched to the dominant hand to eat.
Once silverware is picked up from the table, no portion of it rests on the table again. If a diner wishes to rest between bites of food, the silverware is placed in a resting position. I favor a resting position of the inverted “V” with the tines of the fork facing right, tines down, and the blade of the knife facing left, blade in, as if to form a tent. Some employ the resting style of the fork on the lower portion of the plate facing left, at about the 5 o’clock–8 o’clock position, and the knife on the upper portion, facing the same way at about the 2 o’clock–11 o’clock position. Either position is fine as long as the server and other diners have a clue as to what someone is trying to signal with his silverware.
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