by Dakota Gray
I frame him again behind my lens for another shot, hoping to discover another layer of him, my eyes searching for every crevice the light does and does not hit.
Even though I can see him now, I can’t predict what happens next with Tarek. Being around him, with him like this is still bigger than me. I’ve dug my heels in to stay upright and alert, and it’s still not enough.
This should terrify me. This should throw me back on the path of focus. I’m out here in nature for my future, but there’s just a part of me that can’t wait to see what happens next.
Tarek pushes his shoulders back, filling the lens’ frame. I snap a picture.
He says, “You’ve already taken your pictures of your waypoint. You don’t need any of me to calibrate your camera.”
The fact he remembers my earlier excuse is why I hate him a little. “Stop looking cute,” is the only defense I offer.
His eyes close with his next laugh, and I capture that. My camera beeps telling me I’m close to my memory’s limit. I sigh and stop. It’s a bad habit of mine to take way more than what I need. I’m greedy that way. Also, one never knows what lackluster picture can turn into a showpiece after a few rounds of Photoshop.
And to be honest, I want to see Tarek. Everyone is revealed behind my lens. I’ve yet to meet a person who can hide behind it, except for me. All I can see is the Tarek I met in the gym, the one who demanded we talk and fuck, the one who stretches every morning and night—Tarek. He’s not complicated in the way I thought he could be.
It’s unnerving and surprisingly exciting. Of course, I don’t tell him any of that. Instead I say, “What time will we head out tomorrow?”
“First light.”
I could capture a hint of red and orange from the sunrise to highlight the ‘blood’ of the Bloody Trails. The path ended at the precipice of a cliff. The exposed stone a somber gray with spots of overturned tan dirt. The scene turns perfect in my mind. “A little after. I want to have a session in the morning.”
He grunts his acquiesce. Tarek tends to do that when we’re in the elements. Nature is his sanctuary. That realization stays at the forefront of my thoughts as we settle in for the night.
Throwing me off guard once again, it’s Tarek who breaks the silence once we’re snuggled into his sleeping bag. With little to no light, we’re spooned. The late-night wind batters our tent filling up some of the silence.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
I have a mental list, but nothing I’m willing to share with Tarek just yet or ever. “Nothing.”
“You’re not talking much.”
“You weren’t talking so I was following your lead.”
He tucks his arm over my waist. “You’re right. Usually I’m fully in charge of a trek and that means I have to play tour guide.”
Although Tarek doesn’t exert his power in heavy-handed ways, control is never far out of his reach. That’s something else we share, and something I’m certain I like about him. “What’s the difference?”
“Some people want to know the history or significance of a trail or location. Mostly they want a journey that will push them to the limit. With you, I’m here to keep you alive and sex you at every opportunity.”
I playfully smack his hand. “My knight in shining armor.”
“I do what I can.”
“If you love hiking so much you can go hours without communicating with someone else, why are you still a personal trainer?”
My next breath catches, his fingers burrow under my shirt. I hiss at the skin-to-skin contact. He’s so warm. I can feel the moan building in my gut as his fingertips dance up my torso to my breasts.
“Partly because I can work out for free, which I have to do anyway.”
“The other part?”
“I get to help people.”
“You can do that anywhere. Matter of fact, you could do that at the vet place you moonlight at for free.”
“I also like to pay my bills. Non-profits fulfill the soul but not the bank account.”
He cups my left tit, squeezing until he captures my nipple between his thumb and forefinger. If the touch is meant to distract me, it totally works. I am the slight tug, the pressure drawing pleasure from me. I am the tingles in my spine.
“Tell me,” he whispers in my ear. “What is your dirtiest fantasy?”
I’ve played through mine, frolicked and gluttoned on them until I realized my dogged intent to reach orgasmic heights couldn’t make me whole. I’ve accepted I like what I like. Pain is a no-go. Teasing is more than acceptable. Comfort zones are meant to be challenged. But what always, always, gets me off is seeing my partner lose his mind.
A memory floats forward of Tarek holding himself still as he offers me something wicked and divine. Tarek was more than ready, and very comfortable at the idea of a foursome. Since I slip into a man’s bed, asking for all kinds of things to see what makes his eyes bright and his body willful, I doubt a man like Tarek has ever not watched, not let go. For a long second, I want to experience that more than I want my next breath.
“I’m thinking I want a couple.”
“No, shit?” Excitement fills his voice.
“But not the next random people we meet.”
His arm tenses around me and his chin lowers to the top of my head. The air thickens, and I just know he’s rolling the possibilities over in his head. “And what would you want to do with a couple?”
“Don’t know yet, but I’m going to imagine it.”
His grunt transforms into a chuckle. “You were right. We’re going to fall off a cliff thinking about fucking each other.”
And because I’ve started to know Tarek in an intuitive way, I murmur, “You wouldn’t let that happen.”
“No. I wouldn’t.”
His words are so full of certainty that I smile. “What’s made you so insufferably practical?”
His hand travels up to my tit again. The move is meant as a diversion and it so works. He cups one breast, then squeezes until only his fingertips hold my nipple prisoner. There’s just a heady pressure instead of pain. He lets go and starts over again, giving me the rhythm of touch I didn’t know could make me die a little from how good it feels. Silence thick as molasses fills the tent.
He doesn’t lick or kiss the soft space behind my ear and that makes the brush of his mouth right along that sensitive skin much more tantalizing. “What do you want to happen next?”
The tent isn’t a lap of luxury. I don’t have to reach that far into the dark for my fingers to hit our packs, but humans have been screwing in small, uncomfortable locations since the invention of enclosed spaces.
Except now I want the one thing I can’t have tonight—Tarek, blissed out from whatever depraved fantasy I come up with between now and when he brings a couple into our sexual space. Whatever we could do would be satisfying—okay, more than satisfying—but it wouldn’t be the taste of something decadent. Nothing else will do.
I finally answer, “I want to sleep.”
That gets me another grunt, a plain one, and his hand goes back to resting along my stomach. His face remains crooked in my neck, his mouth whispers behind my ear.
“Since I’ve learned from experience…” He starts and then stops.
“What?”
“Do you have a jealous bone in your body? Will it mess with your head to see me kiss or touch another woman?”
Good question, right? The answer feels stuck in my throat, so I swallow. “After…” I don’t have finish that line because his arm tightens around my waist. I don’t have to say my monster’s name. “You’re not my possession. Whoever touches you, talks to you, is your choice. Your desire.”
“That doesn’t answer the question. Will it bother you to see it?”
I wish I could see his face. “Will it bother you?”
“If it turns you on, nope.”
“Same,” I say, quiet but sure.
He falls silent. I count the seconds until his breathing eve
ns out. My heart stops pounding like a hammer. Only a small part of me is ashamed at the small test I just threw at him. I don’t know if I’ll ever not have a small part of me waiting for him to turn on me, but tonight he didn’t, and I fall asleep soundly.
15
Tarek
* * *
Since Nina called dibs on the shower, I’ve puttered around the rental beachfront property. Two stories of open floorplans make up the home. Bay windows face the ocean. I step out onto the private deck. To my left is a jacuzzi, to my right are porch chairs and a barbecue pit. Straight ahead, steps lead down to the beach. Helluva place for a two-night stop, but it’s only twenty minutes from her waypoint. It’s perfect.
I climb down the steps to bury my feet in the soft, warm sand. I give myself a few seconds to persuade the nerves jumping in my stomach to calm. Doesn’t help so I call Nate. I know Robyn is still in Georgia because he answers on the second ring.
“I was going stir crazy. Thank you for calling to remind me your life is way more screwed up right now.” Nate’s tone is conversational.
Any other time I’d laugh, but not today. “I need a favor.”
“Oh?”
Since this morning I’ve been racking my brain for ways to give Nina exactly what she wants, and I, for the first time in ever, have to go a little outside of my own comfort zone. “Do you remember Davis Shaw?”
“We catch up every now and again.” Nate is quiet for a second. “Why?”
Back when Nate danced for money, his employer, Catdaddies, had a crew. They entered competitions, toured for a bit, and Davis Shaw was a member. He stopped being a member when other avenues opened up, specifically escort opportunities. Last I heard, he still took up those opportunities, and I had a use for his services.
“Got his number?”
“Even if I were to wear pearls, I wouldn’t be clutching them right now. The simple fact is I know you, and I know you don’t have to pay for…whatever it is you’re trying to do.” Nate’s sigh is all exasperation and nothing else. “Have you asked her, in detail, what she wants?”
I hadn’t. “Let me call you back.”
I hang up on Nate’s laugh and wait for Nina. Eventually, the sliding door opens, and the click of a camera breaks the silence. I don’t turn around.
“Really?”
“Yup. I was thinking about your Instagram. There are a lot of pictures of…people on a balcony. The view is stunning. I wanted a picture of you, with a stunning view, looking…languid.”
I slide my gaze to her, even though I know she wants me to look at her. Click. I chuckle. Nina is both so predictable and confusing. “Satisfied?”
She grins. “Somewhat.”
I lean back and rest my elbow on a step. “What do you want from the couple?”
She drops the camera to her side for a second. “Tonight?”
“Depends.”
Nina pulls her camera back up. “Can you get up and lean on the stair’s railing, like you don’t give a shit? Put your ass out a little like you know I’m watching.”
I pfft instead and she takes a picture of that. “Nina.”
“Fine. I’ve had some concrete thoughts after our talk.”
“And?”
The way she smiles, full of mischief and secrets, should worry me. “I want a girl, and I want her lover to watch.”
“That…” I laugh. “I want to fuck you until they get here.”
Click of her camera. “Oh, I know you do. Keep me updated.” She waltzes back into the house.
And she calls me cocky. Had I known she’d react like this, I would have offered her a couple every day. I call Nate back, and he answers with the first ring. “A girl and the guy watches.”
“Lucky for you, he’s free to travel the next week and willing to do anything for a favor instead of a price.”
I’m about to look the gift horse in the mouth. “How much does he usually charge?”
Nate spouts off a figure. I am in the wrong line of work. “You were never tempted?”
“Even if I had, you would have come along to remind me that there may be a woman I didn’t want to sit on my face.”
And there it is. Tarek Hunter, the good guy of the group. Did I push a woman’s sexual boundaries when she asks for it? Fuck, yes. That’s what turns me on. But do I participate in anything for myself that makes my blood roar in my ears from nerves? Not really. Don’t I always make sure my friends color inside the lines as much as they can? Yes, with a slight sigh.
This role has caged me in, and I want to tear out. I don’t know what’s on the other side of those walls, but it has to be better than the sour taste in my mouth right now.
“Tonight is preferable. I’ll send you the address.”
Nate’s quiet on his end of the phone. “You have to know I’m dying of curiosity. This is like the time you called me and asked where you could buy sex swings in bulk.”
I glance over my shoulder. Nina’s settled into the living room, her robe parted as she applies lotion to her skin. One side hangs negligently below her shoulder, showcasing the rise of her breasts, the long line of her leg. If I squint, I can make out the dark tips of her nipples. “Like I told you before, that question was for a friend.”
“And this one?”
“It’s for me.”
Nate sputters. “What is going on with you and Nina?”
“Can’t say.” It’s the honest answer.
When I first laid eyes on her I did hope we’d fall into the nearest bed, but I wasn’t prepared for the details of her. How could have I fathomed we were going to have quiet nights filled with us spilling secrets and intimacy or just being silent together?
Yet, tomorrow we could get into an argument that forever fracture us as friends, as lovers. A week from now, we could get to her last waypoint, look into each other’s eyes, and just know that’s the end.
I couldn’t say what’s going on between us and that is a first for me in a very long time. By now, I could usually close my eyes and map our ending. I could see the moment she turns her gaze to me and I’m everything she needs to say goodbye to. I’m no longer a kind of safe haven even though we are both broken in a way. Our jagged bits just don’t fit. I’m a phase. I’m that one time she let her hair loose and did some depraved shit to see if she’d like it.
But this thing with Nina? I say to Nate, “All I know for sure is we’re having fun.”
“Hit me up at your next waypoint.”
“Ah, so you’re done being a middleman?”
He lets out a low whistle. “Very much so. The more I think about what you asked for, the more I’d rather find out how my dad liked it.”
I cringe. “Thank you. Now that’s in my head.”
“You’re welcome. Davis should text you an ETA and other instructions.”
“Fuck you, and thanks, man.”
The line goes silent for a second. “Robyn’s calling. Gotta go.”
He doesn’t give me a chance to say goodbye before hanging up. I’d be lying if I say I didn’t want to experience a world where the woman I love is my everything. I can’t wait to talk to her. I’m miserable if she’s not three feet away from me.
For a long moment I am just stupid with jealousy…until I recall I’m about to have an orgy. My friends can have happily ever after. I’m about to come until it hurts. I head inside to take a quick shower.
Only wrapped in a towel, I hunt Nina down. She’s parked in front of the TV watching Living Single. Without tearing her attention from the screen, she asks, “Do you think we’ll scare the couple off answering the door half-dressed? It probably makes us looks like noobs?”
“Probably.”
I pat my pockets for my phone and…I’m wearing a towel. I change course to the bathroom where I left it on the sink’s counter. There’s a text waiting.
She bites her lip when she sees my phone in my hands.
“Nervous?” I ask.
“A little.”
In Nina-
speak that’s probably a fuckton. I put a pause on my excitement to take her in. She’s picking at the robe, adjusting and readjusting the terry cloth. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
She folds her hands on her lap and doesn’t let her gaze waver from mine. “I’m sure I want to ruin you for the rest of womankind with what I have in mind.”
There’s only one important question to ask after that. “What do you plan to do?”
Her smile broadens. “You’ll see.”
I close the distance and pull her up from the couch. “Tell me.”
She raises a brow. “Is this going to be another talk and fuck? I’m game.” She pauses. “What? You’re looking at me all weird.”
“Probably,” I say again.
I didn’t know how much I needed, not just Nina’s consent, but her enthusiasm. I always have to be certain and well-grounded in these sexual exploration situations. I may give all the control to the women, but I’m definitely the driver. And I don’t get to share nerves. No one wants someone behind the wheel with shifty eyes and shaky fingers.
I can’t be too excited, in case the woman changes her mind but doesn’t want to ruin things for me.
But tonight, I can be nervous, excited, anything with this woman, because there’s not an opinion of me or my actions that she won’t share with me. And I trust she’ll tell me. Heady with relief, I kiss her. No reason to wait for the second act to show up to get shit started.
God. She grips my nape, takes my mouth and presses us together so we’re skin to skin. I’m on fire already. She does that to me just by being soft, sexy and so open whenever our mouths touch. She wants that same heady rush as much as I crave it.
A decade ago, she would have been too much for me. Five, I wouldn’t have known what to do with her. A year ago, I wouldn’t have called Duke for a background check. And now, she’s just fucking right.
I push her back, ripping my mouth from hers. “Get on the couch. Spread your legs.”
