Fire and Desire
I was over the moon that day. The exams were finally over and now I could focus one hundred percent on my Dev and his love. All day long I just dreamed about our first kiss and how it was just the beginning of so-so many in future. But my happiness was only limited. That night when he came to meet me, he was way too upset and disturbed.
“What happened?” His expressions worried me. I had reorganized the room so that we had some space on the floor. I had then placed a small carpet on it and had piled it with a blanket to make it cozy. I wanted our make-out session to be uninterrupted and romantic. And the battered, old, crinkly chairs didn’t gel with romance.
“Everything is ruined,” he spoke, pulling at his hair.
“What happened?” I held his hands in mine and squeezed them with encouragement.
“My father…!” he started but stopped.
“Is he okay? Oh my God, what happened?” I was worried for his father’s well-being. To me now, his father was my father too.
“That bastard is perfectly healthy.” His words ran shivers of shock down my spine. Bastard?
“Oh, don’t give me that look, you don’t know what he did.” He was angry now.
“What happened?” I asked, rather stiffly. I didn’t like his tone or words.
“He found your letters,” he laughed, sarcastically, and started pacing up and down the room. His words shook me down to the core. My letters? My personal love letters where I had shared so many things with him, and his father found them?
“What? How?” I couldn’t find words to express my disbelief and shock.
“He felt I was acting out. He thought I was on drugs or something… you see, I am always so lost these days because I am thinking about you,” he spoke, looking in my eyes and I felt bad as I was responsible for this misfortune. “So he searched my room and found the letters.” I was speechless.
“What now?” I was horrified.
“He threatened to expose them to your mother and show how her daughter is luring a rich boy into a trap,” he spoke with a venomous spit, and my heart fell at his words. Me, luring him?
“You know I don’t believe all the shit he says,” he started clarifying, but I was too numb to speak.
“He threatened to tell your mother, so I begged him,” he continued, but I spoke hastily.
“My mother cannot know. She will kill me, literally.” I was on the verge of tears.
“I know…that’s why I made a deal with him,” he started pacing again.
“What deal?” I was curious now. He had the most vulnerable expressions on his face.
“Given that our schools have ended now and all we need to do is to sit for final exams, he wants me to move to Chennai with my uncle. This way, we will stay away, and he will keep his mouth shut. My train is scheduled to leave at 5 P.M. tomorrow.” If all his previous words were not devastating enough, the news of him leaving for Chennai shattered me. Finally, tears moistened my cheeks, and I fell on the floor.
“Hey! Hey, you know that I love you,” he spoke, grabbing and lifting my face gently. He had written ‘I love you’ many times on a paper, but this was the first time he had spoken those golden words out loud. Had he really said those words? I peered at him with suspicion, and a small smile teased his lips.
“I love you, Ishana,” he spoke again with a wide smile and waited. “Now would be a good time to say it back.” He whispered. I wanted to say it, and I too had written it on paper many times but saying it to his face was – wow. My face turned bright red, and before I could utter anything or react, he gave me a breathtaking smile and his lips fell on mine. Within seconds, I was in his arms and he was wrapped around me.
“You made this bed for us?” he remarked, lifting his head slowly. Smitten and embarrassed, I nodded.
“Oh, I love you even more now.” And at this, he started kissing my neck hungrily. His hands were around my waist and before I could stop him, I found him slowly but passionately pushing his hand in my kurta.
“What are you doing?” I whispered as I grabbed his hand. I really liked the sensation his touch brought, but somehow, deep down, it felt wrong. I felt guilty.
“I am about to leave for almost three months now, I want to take something to remember with me,” he muttered and slowly pulled his hand from my grip and pressed his fingers in the lower band of my bra. He fondled with the lower curve of my breast. I gasped at his touch, and though I thoroughly enjoyed it, I jerked his hand away. The guilt was reaching my heart.
“I love you, baby,” he whispered as he pressed his face in my cleavage and kissed me deeply there. “I so want to rip this kurta away,” he spoke, pushing it up.
“No, Dev, not just yet. Please, I can’t,” I begged, unable to control the surge of emotion that was piercing through me. ‘It’s so wrong!’ My mind was exploding with the thought.
“Okay, allow me just one thing, and if you still say no post that, then I will stop,” he begged. My mind wanted to scream NO, but my heart was defeating it.
“I…!” I stammered clutching at my kurta.
“I won’t take off your clothes, I promise,” he spoke, crossing his heart. “Can I do something?” he pleaded. I thought for a moment; to do anything intimate, he would need to take off my clothes first. So if he wouldn’t, then it should be safe! I considered for a moment and then nodded. A wide triumphant smile appeared on his face.
He rose from the blanket and closed the tube-light and lit a smaller one; this one was just bright enough to see dark silhouettes.
“What are you doing?” I was almost blinded by the sudden dark.
“Stay dressed, okay.” At this, he came close to me and whispered in my ear. The dark and his proximity took my hormones to the next level. It took all of my self-control to not pounce on him. Slowly, he bent to kiss me on my lips. I felt his whole body on me, and a surge of passion rose within me. I dug my nails in my palms to gain some control. Slowly, he pushed me on the floor. I let him.
He took my hands and pushed them on top of my head. Then he moved down gradually. “I will not take off your clothes, but feel free to do so yourself,” he whispered as he nibbled on my ears and licked them. I groaned with pleasure. He started kissing my neck with a passionate hunger. And soon he was biting it sensuously. I heard a huge moan of desire escape my mouth. “Sssshhhhh….” He whispered and kissed my lips again. I wanted to swallow him this time, but he left me ravenous and moved down. He started kissing and biting my shoulders, and after a moment he moved down to do same on my chest. He massaged his nose on my cleavage and inhaled deeply in it. I was totally lost in him in this moment, but his touch around my breast raised the guilt again. I started to push him, but he forced my hand up. “I am not even putting my hand in your clothes, believe me.” I wanted him to push my hand away, so I let him when he made me.
Though he had not taken my clothes off, he was touching the deepest core of my sensualities. He forced his mouth on my right breast. I felt his teeth bite it and I moaned in pain and pleasure. He kissed it hard for a few minutes and then stopped. Caressing my left breast with his fingers, he moved down to my stomach. “Want me to do to the other one?” he raked his fingers along the left breast and cupped it arousing me. I felt my mouth dry, and not being able to stop myself, I nodded.
“You have to speak up,” he hissed in an erotic tone.
“A-A- yes,” I moaned.
“Yes, what?” he asked in a bossy tone.
“Yes, please kiss me! Please do the other one too,” I whispered, losing the battle. And he pounced upon my left one. He played around my chest for some time, and I didn’t even know when I had started pulling at his hair with loud moans of pleasure.
“Ahhh Devvvvvvvvvvv!” I heard an unfamiliar sound escape my mouth.
“Still want to keep your clothes on?” His question brought back the guilt quotient. I nodded. The mixture of pleasure and guilt was too horrible for me to bear. Tears trickled down my eyes and disappeared in
my hair. Thanks to the dark, he couldn’t see them.
“Fine,” he spoke, moving his fingers down my stomach. “But don’t feel bad if you beg to do that in the next ten minutes, okay?” he mocked me, sensually. His words made me smile.
I expected him to kiss and bite my stomach and waist, but instead, he sat between my legs and spread them apart. He moved his fingers up and down my thigh and then started grazing at them. A high-pitched moan of pleasure left my lips at his touch. Though he kissed me over my clothes, it felt like I was naked. He started kissing my knee and moved up my left leg. A burst of explosion took place in my body as he moved his face next to my most intimate part. Then he moved down to my right knee and started kissing his way up. However, this time he didn’t brush there, instead he pressed his face right down there. And he started kissing, hard!
“Haaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” I gasped loudly and almost sat up unable to contain the pleasure. He pushed me back down and kissed harder and dug his face deeper. The pleasure of his face, his kiss, his touch was beyond reckoning for me. I was in a state of ecstasy and euphoria that was just too much. I didn’t think my body could contain this burst of frenzy. I feared something was about to tear inside me. However, before I could break, I screamed, “STOP! PLEASE NO!”
“What’s wrong?” he looked up, abruptly.
“No, please, no,” I moaned, tears disappearing continuously in my hair.
“You want me to stop?”
“Yes, please… please…,” I pleaded him. Though my words were begging him to stop, my fingers were laced in his hair and were pushing his face down there. The pleasure was irresistible, and I was lost. Slowly, he disentangled my fingers from his hair and glided upwards towards my face. He stopped meticulously, and I felt his thing – which was very hard and erect – pierce me right outside my G-spot. I moaned again!
“You really want me to stop?” he whispered as he started thrashing his thing in my body with sudden hard pushes. We were both dressed, so it was just superficial, but on my body, it had a terrorizing effect. I nodded, biting my lips and failing horribly in controlling my emotions.
“Please take off your clothes,” he begged as he kissed all around my neck. “Please!” he insisted and cuddled around my breast and massaged down there hastily. My mind wanted to push him, but before I could, I felt my legs wrap around him instinctively.
“Please,” he begged again as he pulled my underwear apart, I was still dressed so he used his fingers to find its elastic and push it. He then forced himself in me. The only barrier now between him and me was my flimsy bottom and his thin pajama. I felt him pierce a bit in me and before I could do anything sensible, I found myself loosening the string of my bottom.
“Good, take it off quickly,” he ordered, hastily, as he undid his pajama. I was about to pull down my panty when another – terrifying – voice echoed through the house.
My mother was yelling frantically, “Ishana… Ishana… where are you?” She was worried.
“Go, run, Go…” I whispered as I tied my bottom hurriedly.
“But…” he started to say, but my mother’s voice rang dangerously close to the room. “Ishana, you in here?” she demanded. Dev didn’t take another second to run, and before I could even fix my kurta, he was gone.
I faked sleep and stepped out yawning.
“Here Mumma, what happened?” I rubbed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.
“Why are you not in your room?” she stammered as she scanned me. She was clearly worried.
“I was studying Mumma, you know I have been studying here for weeks now.” I pointed to the room. My mother gave me a very questionable look. “But you were sleeping!” She accused and I seriously wished that she would not go and inspect the room. The evidence of our deeds was still fresh in there in the form of disheveled blankets and an unlocked front door.
“I fell asleep on my book, what happened, by the way. It’s almost 4 A.M. for God’s sake,” I lied, faking a yawn. Couldn’t she have come an hour later? I would have made so much love to my Dev by then. I was furious at her drama, but seeing her standing there, I suddenly felt relieved too. My mind was back in charge now, and the guilt was back. Had she not come in now, Dev would have come inside me. The guilt of my actions would have killed me. How would I have faced my father post that?
“I don’t know, I had the worst feeling that I was about to lose you forever, I woke up drenched in sweat, and when I didn’t find you in your room, I panicked.” Her words stirred something in me. Maybe she didn’t hate me as much I think she did. She was my mother and her panicky feeling was not wrong; maybe something wrong was about to happen tonight and she just saved me.
“I am fine, Mumma.” I tried to smile at her; she, after all, was my unexpected savior. I closed the door of Dev’s room and went to mine. For the first time ever, my mother slept with me. It was the weirdest feeling and somehow it erased the fact that Dev had done something incredible that night. He had made me his!
Present Day in the Bar
“Wow! Just wow!” Ravi exclaimed as he wiped his forehead. The way he was fidgeting on his seat and biting his lower lip, Ishana knew he was turned on. Ravi felt ashamed to feel that way, but the way she had narrated it, what happened to her all those years ago was hot.
“You want to go to the men’s room and freshen up?” Ishana demanded with raised eyebrows. Her expressions had a deadly impact on him. Suddenly, he was not turned on, instead, he was scared.
“I am fine,” he cleared his throat and ordered water. “You both really loved each other? That was some passionate night you cherished,” he smiled. Ishana reciprocated, but he did notice that her smile didn’t reach her eyes. She was shielding a stronger emotion.
“So, did you guys do it the next time?” He was curious, and she gave him a ‘who knows’ look.
“You are full of riddles.” He was in awe of the woman seated in front of him. He could sense there was a storm raging inside her, but the way she sat, so casually, he just didn’t know how to react.
Farewell
School Life – Year 2001
When I woke up next morning, unusually later at 10 A.M., I felt weird. There was a deep, unsatisfied feeling within me which made me feel hollow and incomplete. I blamed the fact that Dev was leaving for whole three months today. I stepped out of my room to expect a little more affection from my mother; after all, she did have some weird epiphany last night, and she was caring for me! However, my hopes didn’t last long because my mother was her routine self. She yelled at me, scolded me for almost everything, and even hit me for waking up late and not studying. By 12 P.M. I was sobbing and cursing Dev’s father wholeheartedly for taking him away from me.
As tears drained out of my eyes, I wrote the longest letter I had ever written. My only consolation in this hell-hole was Dev’s love for me. And if last night was not a prodigious declaration of forever-together, then nothing was. I could still feel his lips and touch on my body, and the places he had explored – the deepest darkest places in my body – were still warm. Dev, who was sitting solemnly at his window, saw me step out of the house and followed me. We crossed paths, and I quickly handed him the letter and came back. It was the first time I had stepped out of my home without my mother’s knowledge, and she awarded me with additional slaps and a lash from Rakshit’s belt. However, I didn’t care. The happiness of giving Dev one last farewell letter was way too much for me to feel the pain.
Then at 4 P.M., I saw his parents load his bags in their Red Maruti 800. The way his father looked at me, he had the most disgusting look in his eyes. It made me feel dirty and violated. The first word that came to my mind for him was bastard, but I scolded myself for the same as come-may-what he was my future father-in-law, and I was supposed to respect him. I saw them pass my home. Dev sneaked a smile and waved in my direction. I was too upset to wave back immediately, and before I could lift my hand to wave, he was gone. I continued to stare after him, and though he was not in my s
ight, I still saw him drive farther away from me.
My love, my life, my only source of happiness in this tormented home was gone!
Tears trickled down my cheeks, and all I wanted to do was howl and cry, but I just sobbed in silence.
“How many times,” my mother started, but before she could finish her sentence or punish me in her abusive ways, I ran inside and hid myself in my pillows.
“I am leaving for a few hours; a new kitty is being set up at Shiva’s house so I will be there. Call me if you need anything,” my mother yelled from the main door.
“Okay,” I answered back, controlling my tears.
“And I am taking Rakshit with me, so don’t worry about him,” she continued.
“Okay,” I answered again and then there was silence in the house. Me and my tanhai were finally alone to slowly stew in all the happy memories of my beloved Dev. I cried and cursed almost everyone for my loneliness, however this loneliness was different. It gave me a kind of peace that I couldn’t understand.
However, my peace couldn’t last for very long, as the doorbell rang and I got the nastiest shock of my life.
Shocking Truth!
My eyes were swollen red when I opened the door.
“Please tell me you are not crying because you may not top all exams.” It was Sarv, and he wore the weirdest expression. His smile said he was teasing me, but his eyes were the most worried and it seemed that he had been crying too.
“Dev left!” I spoke two words and moved sideways so that he could enter. A tear trickled down my cheek, and he bit his lip. I got a feeling that he was hiding something, but I couldn’t care in the moment, I was too depressed.
Sarv, being our common friend, was the only person who knew how much I loved and adored Dev. Except for our secretive midnight adventures, Sarv knew everything else.
Betrayed Page 6
