by L M Terry
Today is my last day with him. Tomorrow is my surgery. Eviction day for this intruder in my skull. The one who has possibly been sabotaging my sanity. Part of me is hopeful that this will cure me, and everything will be peachy keen. But, there is part of me that knows this is a death sentence. Either way it is a goodbye to Anthony. They say if you love something set it free. Well that is what I am doing but the part that goes on to say set it free and if it returns it was meant to be…well that part isn’t going to happen. I’m letting him go and I hope he stays away. Anthony deserves better. He deserves a beautiful woman who looks like she belongs next to him. A tall, leggy, sexy blond type. Not a frumpy, crazy, short girl type like me.
A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts and then Mr. Bond himself appears sticking his head in the door. “Can I come in? I have breakfast,” he sings.
“Sure, I’m not painting anything anyway,” I tell him.
“No? Why not? Are you in here fantasizing about me, cause if you are you do know all you have to do is ask…I would be happy to bring them to life,” he teases as he sets the tray on the floor beside me.
“Actually, I kinda am.” I tuck my cheek into my shoulder, blushing. “I’m wondering why you have been taking it easy on me?”
“Easy? Oh, it’s not easy trust me. I work very hard to make you come that many times every evening.” He laughs.
“You know what I mean,” I say narrowing my eyes at him as he sits across from me.
“Okay, okay. The doctors warned me that sometimes tumors can cause seizures. I don’t want you tied up if that happens,” he says gently as he reaches over and tugs at my hair. “Plus, we have plenty of time to explore all that.”
Again, he amazes me with his thoughtfulness. But, this is exactly why I’m letting him go. I’m not normal, which means he can’t be either. He is always having to take into consideration my fear, my tumor, my triggers, Ted…the list goes on and on.
“Eat, we are spending the day together, just you and me.”
“What are your plans? Lizzie is supposed to be flying back in today.”
“Yeah, about that…Tank called. Lizzie can’t get away, so he is coming by himself.”
As quickly as I can I mask my disappointment. Why isn’t she coming? She is supposed to help me with this whole waking up from surgery with amnesia thing. Crap, I guess I’m on my own, per usual. I’m sure whatever it is that is keeping her away it must be important.
“Hey, everything’s going to be okay.” Anthony pulls me into his lap and proceeds to feed me, making me totally forget Lizzie, at least for the moment.
“I’m going to miss Rosemary’s cooking,” I tell him after I finish the last bite.
He sets the tray off to the side and then holds my face so that he can gaze into my eyes. “Will you sketch for me today?” he asks.
“Sure, what are you thinking?”
“I was thinking maybe I could try to describe my parents…I don’t know how much I’ll remember but…”
“Say no more, just tell me what you do remember, my mind will fill in the rest.”
Listening to him talk about his parents is wonderful and sad at the same time. Each minute that I spend with him makes it all the harder to think about pushing him away. Just as I expect he remembers more than he thought he would. I listen as he tells me about them. His dad sounds a lot like him. He travelled frequently and every time he came home he always had a new matchbox car for him. “So, this is why you love cars so much.” I tease.
“Your probably right. I had hundreds of them. My favorite was a Hot Wheels 1968 white custom Camaro. I’m not sure what happened to them all. Lost in the shuffle, just like the photos,” he says sadly.
When I finish I stare at the couple wishing more than anything I could bring them back for him. “Hopefully, this looks right. Be honest if it’s not, I can start over if we have to. I want it to be right, I want you to be able to see them again,” I say honestly and then I hand it to him.
He gazes down at the sketch in his lap and then covers his eyes with one hand. His body trembles with an onslaught of emotion. This is the best part of what I do…but seeing him like this, I can’t bear it. I take the sketch from his hand and climb onto his lap wrapping my arms around him. He buries his face into my neck…wait…his eyes are wet…is he crying? Anthony is crying….
“I can’t lose you,” he chokes, squeezing me tighter.
The world shifts.
Okay maybe not the whole world but mine certainly does.
I’m not sure what to think. His parents left him, not on their own accord like mine did but none the less he was alone. I picture him as a little boy playing with toy cars in the dirt. How awful to lose your parents at such a young age. He has friends and family now, but he is holding me in such a way that I can literally sense his need for me, only me. It’s as if I am a necessity for him. The same as the very air he is breathing. I know that feeling. It mirrors my own.
How am I ever going to be able to let him go?
“You are perfect, Danielle Jean…just perfect,” he whispers.
I’m not. I’m really not.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Danielle
◆◆◆
Icheck my phone one last time making sure that Ted’s new, soon to be stepdaughter hasn’t messaged me. She hasn’t. That’s a good thing right? I’m a little worried that I will wake up with amnesia and then this girl will message me. How will I help her if I don’t remember what happened to me? Not remembering could be both a blessing and a curse if that were to happen.
“You sure about this big plan of yours?” Tank whispers, looking behind him to make sure no one overhears. Anthony and his entire clan are here to support me but, I’ve given the staff strict instructions that no one is to be with me when I wake up. They are to hand me my phone and start the video I made for myself. Anthony is not happy about it. He thinks that if he is with me when I wake, he can magically make it all go away but, what he doesn’t know is that nothing anyone does or says will make me remember. I will have amnesia when I wake up, regardless of what the truth really is. It will be his truth.
I worried that if he was in the room with me my face would betray me, or I would be so doped up I simply would forget my deception. The staff can’t know…no one can know, not even Tank. I’ll tell him eventually, once I’m out of the hospital and back in my apartment. Anthony gave me his computer to make a video in case I really can’t remember. He transferred it to my phone and the hospital staff will start it for me once I’m awake. It basically is just me telling me that I paint, live in an apartment and that my only friends are Liz and Tank. Simple video to quell my fears if I really do have amnesia. Maybe it will be a blessing if I can’t remember. No memories of my parents, Ted or…Anthony. Yeah, no memory is the best option for me because if I do recall him I’ll be devasted about never seeing him again.
“I’m sure, now shut up. Just make sure that he sticks to his promise and you get me back into my apartment. Okay?”
He nods as Anthony walks over to us. “Doctors say everything looks good. They will be ready to take you down in a few minutes.”
Tank gives me a kiss on the cheek and then takes off leaving Anthony and I alone…well as alone as we are going to get with all the hospital staff surrounding us.
“I’m scared,” I admit to him. I’m scared of the surgery, scared it might be cancer, scared it might be too late but I’m mostly scared because this is the last time that Anthony will be mine. I can’t keep him. Calling him mine was a fairy tale I told myself all those years ago, but it was never true.
“I know baby. I know,” he says.
One thing I love about him is that he never lies to me. Never sugar coats anything but he always, always manages to make me feel better with just the sound of his voice. “Remember your promise, Anthony.” It’s a statement not a question.
“I don’t like it, but I remember. However, I’m confident that you will wake up and remember
me. Like really come on, Dani…look at me, how could anyone forget me,” he says jokingly, but I see it in his eyes. He is scared. Seeing Anthony scared is flattering yet terrifying as hell.
Dr. Lambert comes in and I realize this is it. The last time I will see Anthony. “Ready?”
I nod as Anthony scoots off my bed. The doctor pulls the railing up after Anthony kisses me one. last. time. “See you soon, princess,” he says as they wheel me out.
All I can offer him is a little wave. If I speak I will lose my shit. The drugs they have given me must be kicking in because the last thing I remember thinking is how I must be in the hospital because my heart is broken. I’m here for them to fix my heart. I can literally feel it breaking. My problem isn’t my head at all…it’s definitely my heart. My heart. My. Heart.
Anthony
◆◆◆
My heart. My. Heart. Is breaking. Please God, please let her be okay. A nurse escorts me down to the surgery waiting area where the rest of my family and I will wait and wait and wait. Waiting while I know that her skull is open is absolutely terrifying. This is the most scared I’ve ever been. Period. I’ve had men who have wanted to kill me, point guns directly at my face and it wasn’t as horrifying as this.
“Hey, man, can I talk to you for a minute?” Tank asks as he sits down in the chair beside me.
“I know what you’re going to say, all I can tell you is that I have it covered.”
He lets out a relieved yet skeptical sigh. “How am I supposed to know if you are correct in your assumption of what I was about to say.”
“She is going to lie to me.” I turn to face him. He genuinely seems shocked that I know.
“What? How? I guess, I mean at least now I won’t have to lie to her when I tell her I didn’t tell you.” He laughs and rubs his hand over his face.
“I know her better than she thinks. She is my other half, my destiny.” I shrug my shoulders. She is just mine, plain and simple.
“She loves you. I know she does. It’s that she doesn’t feel she deserves you. She has you on a pretty high pedestal.”
“And that is why I’m not letting her go. I’ve never had anyone look at me the way she does. Don’t worry, Tank, she isn’t going to win this round. I’m not angry with her for attempting this, I understand why she is doing it.”
“She certainly deserves more than she has ever been given. I hope with you she gets a chance at happiness.” He looks at me with eyes of a man whose world just burned to the ground around him and left him in a pile of ashes. “I want you to know that I didn’t know.”
“I know, that is why you are here, and she isn’t.”
Tank nods. “I’m going to go grab a coffee, I just wanted to talk to you before she wakes up. She has suffered enough in this life. I couldn’t sit back and watch her sabotage her one chance at happiness. I’ll always be here for her, that hasn’t changed.”
“You’re a good guy, Tank. Thank you, for everything.” A nurse pokes her head in the door as we are finishing up our conversation and she beckons me with her finger.
Tank laughs and slaps me on the back. “You aren’t even giving her a chance are you. Good luck man.” He heads down the hall and I watch him. My heart hurts for him. I have a chance with my girl, he has none with his.
I follow the nurse through the maze of white walls. Dr. Lambert steps out of a room and his eyes meet mine as we approach the door he just came out of. He smiles. Tears flow out of my eyes no matter how hard I try to stop them.
He places a hand on my shoulder. “She did great. Everything went perfectly. The lab is looking at a sample of the tumor to give us an initial diagnosis. I want you to be aware that there is a chance the diagnosis could be wrong. We will send the entire thing out for a more in-depth analysis and we should have those results by the end of the week before she leaves the hospital. I’ll be back up this afternoon to let you know what our lab thinks.”
“Thank you, can I see her?”
He nods. “We haven’t done any assessments yet. We will start those when she fully regains consciousness so keep in mind that anything you notice right now might just be temporary. Speech, motor skills, memory. If anything seems off just let one of the nurses know, we have a great team of occupational therapists to help her. Don’t panic.”
“Yes, of course. Thank you again.” He pats my shoulder and the nurse holds the door open ushering me in. Yes, she might be mad that the staff has ignored her orders to be alone when she wakes but, they were willing to ignore her requests when a large donation to the neurosurgery department was made by me in her name. Don’t judge. I will do anything for this girl. I can’t help it that money talks.
She is asleep, hooked to more things than I can take in. My breath catches in my chest and the room spins. The nurse guides me to a chair near her bed. “Sit down sweetie, it looks worse than it is. I promise she is doing good. We just need to monitor her. We don’t take any risks.”
“No, no that’s good. It’s just I…”
“It’s understandable. No one likes to see their loved one like this,” she says as she checks to make sure Dani is all set, and everything is as it should be. “I’m going to try waking her up now.”
I wrap Dani’s hand in mine and sit quietly beside her, letting the nurse take charge.
“Hey, sweetie,” she says over Dani’s face. The nurse rubs her arms and then her chest vigorously. Dani starts to twitch and move her legs. “Dani, my name is Lori and I’m going to be your nurse for the next few hours.” Dani’s other hand comes up and she itches her nose. The nurse takes her hand tucking it back by her side. “That’s just oxygen, hon. We will take it off soon, but let’s leave it there for now.” Dani doesn’t open her eyes, but she nods slightly and my heart bursts open. She is communicating. That’s good right? “You can talk to her,” the nurse says as she moves over to type at a computer in the room.
I stand and lean over pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Hey, baby. You did good. It’s over, you are back in your room. I love you.” When I lean away from her I notice her eye lashes fluttering. She is struggling to open her eyes. I sit back down and cradle her hand in mine again. I’m struggling too. Fuck. This has to be her decision. I can’t take that away from her. Others have been steering her path, whether she realized it or not. Very little of her life over the last ten years has been her choice. I’ve done what I came in here to do. She wanted to wake up alone, it was her last request. I have to trust that she will make the right choice. I can only hope that she chooses herself this time. Please be selfish, just this once.
“Can you please make sure she watches the video when she is awake enough?” I ask the nurse.
She nods in understanding. She knows that this is what Dani wanted in the first place. “We will take good care of her,” she assures me.
And then I walk away.
When I get back out to my family I collapse. Seeing her with all of those tubes sticking out of her and how swollen her face is was just too much. What a humbling experience, to see the person I love more than anything or anyone in such a vulnerable state. It was indescribable and there isn’t one damn thing I can do to change it.
Chapter Thirty
Danielle
◆◆◆
My first conscious thought is that I’m happy I lived. The next is how much my nose itches, like what in the actual fuck. Wait, I’m supposed to remember something. He is holding my hand. I remember now, I’m not supposed to remember. Yeah, that’s it. I feel his lips on my cheek and his deep voice rumbles over me. I struggle to open my eyes. I want to see him. I need to see him but when I finally peel my eyes open he is gone.
“How are you doing honey?” A nurse says as she leans over adjusting the bedding around me. “Can you tell me what your pain level is from one to ten?”
My throat hurts and my head. Not as much as I thought it would but, I’m afraid to speak. What if I can’t? “Um…um a six,” I tell her on a shaky breath.
“Okay, swe
etie. Do you remember where you are at?” she asks.
I want to lie and tell her no, but I don’t. “I’m in the hospital.”
“You’re doing great. The doctor will be in later on, the surgery went very well. All you have to do now is rest and let us take care of you. Okay?”
I nod but my head screams at me to stop and I wince instead. “Was there a man in here. I heard a man’s voice.”
“Your fiancé was here but he left because you requested to wake up alone. Would you like me to go get him? He is right down the hall with the rest of your family.”
I don’t correct her. She doesn’t know he’s not my fiancé. He’s not even mine anymore. “No, no…”
She places my phone in my hands and she clicks on the video I made myself. “I’ll leave you alone for a few minutes, but I’ll be right there.” She points to the window in the room, a nurse station perched just beyond. She sets my call light beside me and then smiles at me kindly. I wait until she walks out to start the video. Why even bother. I know what’s on the video. It’s a hey, this is your life video. One that doesn’t include Anthony. My heart breaks as I wait for the stupid thing to load. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t but that would be selfish. The world needs him.
My irritation rises. Why the fuck is this stupid thing taking so long to load. It was like a two-minute video for fucks sake. I raise my left hand to just shut out of the damn thing and my heart stops. My hand paused in mid-air. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. What is this! I stare at the ring on my finger. The video starts to play, a familiar voice dripping from the tiny speaker, spilling out into the sterile room.
“If you’re watching this then I can only assume you are having a tough time remembering. It’s okay, don’t be scared. Your whole family is here for you, and we are waiting probably not so patiently just steps away from you. You wanted to wake up alone. You’re probably wondering why? Well, it’s because you are the least selfish person I know, and you didn’t want to burden us. But, you’re not a burden at all. You are anything but. You are my life, my happiness, my everything. So, I’m going to give you a quick rundown of who you are, you know since you can’t remember.” He winks and then the camera pans away from him and another video starts with his voice as the narrator.
