Even Meg, who still grieved the loss of her husband, seemed like a jovial little girl compared to Laura, who seemed to carry in her heart the sorrow of a thousand widows, and the upset of a thousand lovers who mourned a love lost. Still, her fear remained greater than her pain. It was the fear that Charles could hurt her or her son if she ever did as much as dare to hope for a way out, for a way back to happiness and love.
But Maggie wasn’t Laura. And Maggie didn’t fear Charles. After all, with a new resolution borne in her mind overnight as she tossed and turned, she knew she’d be doing no harm; simply building a little bridge, creating a tiny opportunity.
Maggie jumped out of bed, put on her robe and slippers, and strode to her writing desk. She opened her folder where she stored writing paper and envelopes and, with a tender hand, put her cousin Eric’s last letter to one side. After his head injury in Dunkirk two years earlier, he was fighting the war again.
Maggie had kept all his letters, which meant she still had the address at the Devon farm. She wondered how Christian was doing back there these days. She’d never written to him, but had been hearing his news via Eric. Because of his tin leg, he was no longer obligated to serve and, nowadays, worked on his aunt’s farm in Devon once more. Having attended a comprehensive course, he was no longer a handyman but now worked in an office doing accounting and purchasing of materials and livestock.
Maggie sat at her desk that morning to write Christian a letter. She had no intention to betray Laura by telling him her big secret about their son, or about her feelings and what had really happened to drive them apart. After all, it was only a tiny bridge she was building; just enough to test the waters underneath. Just enough to see how far Christian seemed willing to go, if only to catch a glimpse of the past.
She wrote a short, friendly letter asking after his health and his news. No mention of Laura, no mention of the past. But with the bridge laid out before him, who knew what steps Christian might be willing to make?
Maggie put the letter in her purse and gave a huge smile. She could post it secretly from Laura that evening, on her way home after work.
Chapter 15
A few days later, Maggie hopped on the early morning bus with a big smile on her face. Meg joined her a few stops later and sat on the empty seat beside her, mystified to see her jovial expression.
“What’s the matter, Maggie? You look like the cat that’s got the cream.”
“I’ve received a letter from Ian.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful. What did he write?”
“The usual things . . . nothing pleasant to say, so the least said the better. But they’re keeping their spirits up, or at least that’s what he said.” Maggie leaned towards Meg and whispered, “I’ve kept one exciting bit of news for later, though. I’ll share it when Laura joins us. It’s bound to cheer her up.” The sound of the bus doors opening caused Maggie to look up and crane her neck. “Oh, look! There she is now!”
The two women waved frantically at their friend when she hopped on the bus. Laura saw their beaming faces and threw them a perplexed look. She sat on the seat across the aisle from them and eyed them with a half-smile. What do they find worth smiling about before the sun is even up? Laura peered through the window at the promenade in the semidarkness, a soft sigh escaping from her lips when she saw the West Pier in the far distance. The eerie image rose from the mist, a pleasure spot from a long lost past, now reduced to a death trap of mines and barbed wire.
Maggie winked. “I have some wonderful news to share! I had a letter from Ian. Guess who has just joined his battalion.”
Laura regarded her with a blank expression. When she received no answer, she raised her brows. “Well?”
“James!”
Laura’s eyes turned huge. “My chauffeur? He’s with Ian?”
“Yes! Isn't it amazing they found each other out there?”
Laura nodded. Her face took on a wistful expression, and she shook her head. “My beloved James . . . How I miss him!”
“Oh, come on, the bus isn't that bad!” teased Meg, causing Laura to repay her with a look of mock-disapproval, the corners of her lips curling upwards. She knew what Meg was trying to do, and she was grateful for it. These days, her two friends did all they could to keep her spirits up.
“It’s not just being driven around that I miss, of course. I miss him, I really do. He’s the only friend I had in that awful house . . .”
“Oh Laura, hang in there,” said Meg, reaching out to pat her friend’s hand. “We’re all doing the same. When the war is over, he’ll be back and, until then, Maggie and I will have to do. Even if we don’t live in your house, we’ll always be here for you; you know that.”
Laura gave a faint smile. “Thank you, my darling. I know that.” She spared a thought for Meg’s dreadful loss, and that made her feel ashamed for complaining in her presence. As always, the best way to endure one’s suffering is to spare a thought for the greater sufferings of others. “It’s just that James felt like a protector to me. While he was in the house, I felt safe . . . just in case, I mean. That terrible day when Charles . . . well, James came and literally saved me. I dare not think . . .” Laura put a hand over her mouth and turned away, her eyes seeking the misty vastness of the sea to rest upon and find solace.
Maggie put up a hand. “Laura, please don’t think about that any more. I hardly think Charles would do anything like that again nowadays.”
“I know. But that awful man, Harold, is still at home and James is not. I should have expected Charles would get him an exempt from the Army too, a shameful one, just like the one he’s engineered for himself. So now, both of them are in the house with James gone. The very thought makes me feel vulnerable. I don’t need to tell you how things are at home when Charles is around. You could gather the chill off the walls and sell it for ice. And Harold . . . you know what he’s like. He watches me around the clock.”
“And what about Jen?” asked Meg.
“Of course, Jen is a darling.” Laura wanted to carry on the sentence, to say she was thankful for Jen’s presence, especially since she minded little Freddie all day for her as well as managing the house. But as sweet as Jen was, she could hardly count on her to save her from Charles’s angry grasp should the necessity arise.
When the bus grunted to a stop outside the rusty old factory, the workers rushed to make it inside in time for a quick brew before the start of their workday.
Maggie got hold of Laura’s hand and took her aside from the crowd that entered through the double doors.
“Laura, there’s something I need to tell you, but it is private. Can we talk this afternoon on the way home?”
“Of course, Maggie. It’s a good thing, I hope.”
Maggie flashed a confident smile. “I promise you’ll be very pleased to hear it. I’ll get off the bus at your stop and I’ll tell you then.”
“What’s the secrecy? Why can’t you tell me in front of Meg?”
Maggie put out a hand and caressed Laura’s hair. “Oh trust me, my darling; I think you’ll be thankful for the privacy when you hear.”
Laura gave her a look of uncertainty, then broke into an easy smile. “All right then, Maggie. How exciting! Something to look forward to!” She grabbed Maggie by the arm. “Now come on, you mysterious thing. Let’s go in for a quick cuppa or we’ll be late to our posts.”
***
Just as planned, the two friends got off the bus together at Laura’s stop. It was near her house on a quiet coastal road. Maggie led Laura to the glass shelter that stood there. A bracing wind was blowing, and they huddled together on the bench, looking out to the raging sea.
“So, what is this big news?” asked Laura.
Instead of speaking, Maggie took an envelope out of her purse and offered it to her.
“What’s this?” Laura read the familiar, scrawny writing on it and her eyes widened, her mouth taking on the shape of a perfect ‘o’. When she looked up to face Maggie, her chee
ks were flushed pink. “Christian?” she mumbled, “Christian wrote to you?” The pitch of her voice reverberated from the glass panes an octave higher.
Maggie grinned. “A good surprise, I hope you’ll agree?”
Laura broke into a bright smile. “Need you ask? Is he all right? And how come he wrote to you?”
“I must confess, I wrote to him first . . .”
“You did?”
“Well, I had the address, as you know, and I thought, why not? He’s doing well, Laura! He has received some training and now does administrative work at his aunt’s farm. He says he’s very content.”
“I’m so happy to hear it!”
“Why don’t you look inside the envelope?”
“Are you sure, Maggie? You don’t mind me reading the letter?”
Maggie cocked her eye at her. “Are you serious?” She nudged her friend on the elbow. “Besides, there’s something else in there for you to see. Go on!”
Laura placed her trembling fingers through the side of the envelope where it had been sliced open and tipped the contents onto her lap. If it’s possible for eyes to caress the way hands can, then this is what Laura did when she saw the folded, single sheet of paper and what looked like the back of a photograph. She picked up the latter first and turned it around. Christian was photographed at the farm, standing in a smart suit with two workers by a large pen of sheep.
“Christian in a suit and a tie! Well, I never—” Laura brought a hand over her mouth. “And he sports a moustache now! How smart he looks!”
“And do you see? He looks fine, despite having lost a leg!”
“Oh my God, of course. It totally evaded me!”
“Read the letter, why don’t you? You’ll see he writes all about it. They fitted him with a tin leg, Laura. He can walk just fine now and, as you can see, it’s not too bad. Fully clothed like that, you’d never guess, would you?”
Laura read the letter while Maggie watched. As she witnessed Laura smile, gasp and utter exciting noises, she could tell she did the right thing. That bridge she built could lead anywhere, and she felt proud of herself; less guilty, too. For she believed that, as a friend, she’d failed her. Back when Charles had violated Laura and broken her apart from Christian, Maggie had given her the wrong advice. She should have urged her to fight that evil man tooth and nail, instead of giving in. For that mistake, Maggie now felt lighter.
Laura gasped. “He asked after me!”
Maggie nodded. “Yes, he did.”
Alarm fleeted past Laura’s eyes. “What are you going to say? You cannot tell him about Freddie!”
“Of course not! Don’t worry, my darling,” soothed Maggie.
“Not about the state of my marriage either! I don’t want him pitying me.”
“I’ll say you’re well in health and that you’re working in the factory with me. This is all right, isn't it?”
“Thank you,” whispered Laura and, with her mind put at rest, resumed reading. When she was done, she folded the page and put it back in the envelope, then held the photograph in her hands again.
“Hey, I forgot to say, you can keep the photograph. I wouldn’t mind at all.” Maggie pretended to admire the magnificent seascape before them.
Laura whipped her head around and eyed Maggie with astonishment. “Are you sure? He sent it to you.”
“Of course, I’m sure. It’s my pleasure to let you have it.” Maggie waved a hand dismissively, pretending to admire a flock of seabirds flying past. With the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of Laura’s grateful smile and the way she grasped the photograph with firm fingertips, careful it doesn’t blow away in the fierce wind. When she handed the envelope back to Maggie, Laura placed the picture in her deep, coat pocket.
A few moments later, they stood to say goodbye. Maggie would catch the next bus home, but she didn’t want to stall Laura. Urging her to go home, she shooed her away, but not before planting a firm, affectionate kiss on her cheek.
Grateful, and with a new spring in her step, Laura walked away. To her, it felt like the sea had just turned deeper blue. Even the ugly cement pillars and barbed wire fencing along the beach couldn’t mar the beauty that she saw all around her, as she walked back home. A tear escaped from her eyes, rolling down her face, its warmth instantly lost in the chill of the wind. But the warmth in her heart was safe.
As she turned the corner into her street, her fingertips caressed the photograph deep in her pocket. Now that she carried something from Christian, she felt like nothing could beat her. The time she’d spend in that house from now on, in that deteriorated marriage, would be bearable simply because Christian was somewhere in the world being happy and asking after her. For the rest of her way home, her fingers never stopped caressing the photograph as her eyes marvelled at the brand new vibrancy she now saw in the world around her.
Chapter 16
1988
Sofia hung up the phone with Jeff and felt torn again. Every time he announced he’d be visiting Brighton to see her, mixed emotions whirled inside her heart until it was impossible to keep sane, to know what to do or what to say. She had managed to sound excited enough, but now, free to express herself, she let out a grunt and uttered a few expletives. They weren’t aimed at Jeff, but her own inability to define her feelings with clarity.
The only good thing was that, these days, she was sleeping well, and so, was able to function adequately again in her studies. What’s more, The Lady wasn’t only appeased, but was also sending poems through Sofia’s dreams again all the time. These new poems were full of hope and Sofia knew the reason. Her relations with Danny had never been easier than they were now.
They phoned each other often and met around town for a chat. He studied hard for his marketing course and remained punctual with his therapy sessions. All that delighted Sofia but what she loved the most about Danny these days was this warmth in his eyes she’d never seen before. It made her heart skip a beat every time.
But of course, Jeff was still tender and wonderful, hence the mixed feelings. Just like Danny, Sofia was a romantic too, and so, she let things lie, hoping what was meant to be, the flow of life would bring along effortlessly in the end. Faith, sometimes, is all you need, and it has more merit than any premeditated action.
***
When Jeff arrived in town that weekend, Sofia met him at a teahouse and afterwards, seeing that it was a lovely, mild enough day, they went to a nearby park for a stroll. They sat on a bench and cuddled, his kisses tender as always, as he held her. But then, things changed, when he did the unthinkable.
“Sofia, I was thinking, this coming and going has had me exhausted.”
“You poor thing, I know,” she said, smoothing his coat collar with a tender hand.
“So, what if I move to Brighton?” He waggled his brows at her, his expression expectant.
“What? But how? What about your job?” she asked, as soon as she recovered from the shock.
“Well, I had a talk with my boss, and we agreed I don’t have to be in the office every day. My work is solitary, and I have all the software I need on my home computer. I could commute to and from London once a week, twice tops, mainly to have meetings and to discuss any new assignments.”
“Really? So it’s feasible?” asked Sofia, looking away. Her mind was in a whirl, her heart beating fast. Think, Sofia, think! What do I say? What a fine mess you’ve made, you stupid girl!
“Yes, my darling! So, I’ve been thinking, I could rent a bedsit or something, and when you get your degree, you could either move in with me or we could return to London together. I could help you get a job in the city.”
“Wait!” cried Sofia, her face animated with panic. She pulled away from his embrace and gazed at him, aghast for a few moments before saying, “Don’t you think this is all coming a little too fast?”
Jeff tilted his head and threw his hands in the air. “But why, Sofia? I thought you wanted to be with me. What’s wrong?”
“
Yes . . . I’m happy with you coming from London to visit me as we give this time, but not to actually move in together as you’re suggesting!”
“Sofia, I didn’t realise we’re ‘giving this time’, as you put it. I thought we were past that by now. I thought you had decided.” He seemed hurt. It broke Sofia’s heart but this was serious. She couldn’t say yes to this when her heart wasn’t fully in the right place. “Jeff . . . You know I like you . . .”
“Like? Like? I thought you loved me, just as much as I love you!”
Sofia shook her head, her alarm ablaze on her face like an angry fire. “Love? We never spoke about love!”
“But . . . I thought this goes without saying. Don’t you know? I’m crazy about you, Sofia. I thought whatever your doubts were, we were past them by now. I know we haven’t taken our relationship to an . . . intimate level yet, but this was me waiting until you asked first. This doesn’t mean I am still uncertain. I love you, Sofia. Of course, I do!”
“I am so sorry, Jeff, but I don’t feel that way towards you,” she admitted, cringing as she returned his gaze, ashamed it had come to this.
“So are you saying it is over?”
Sofia locked eyes with him, lost for words. He looked so vulnerable. And he was so sweet, handsome and tender. In a way, she needed him, needed a caring boy in her life so badly. Beyond doubt, she wasn’t over Danny yet, but could she end this with Jeff just because she wasn’t ready for a big commitment? She had decided to go with the flow, and letting him go felt wrong. She preferred to take a seat and watch as things unfolded, all this weirdness in her life having rendered her exhausted. She was petrified by the very idea of taking front seat in her own life in any way these days. No. I won’t change anything. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Now, I have Danny in my life again, at least The Lady is happy.
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