The Devil's Cave: A Humorous Fantasy Novel (The Legends of Damon Arkon: The World's Greatest Swordfighter)

by Everson Cook

  "If you aren't going to tell me willingly then I'll have it beaten out of you."

  Damon scoffed. "You think that's going to work? I'm going to die if I don't tell you. If you're going to beat me, I'll just take the information to my grave."

  Damon and King Glendorrys once again found themselves in a staring contest.

  And just like before, King Glendorrys was the first to blink.

  "Ok, fine. Geez."

  "But sire," Tamyron said. "We have ways of making people... talk."

  Damon pursed his lips, made a gesture as if locking them and tossing away the key, and shook his head.

  "I just really want that ring," King Glendorrys said to Tamyron.

  Tamyron sighed heavily. He had been with the king long enough to know that when he really wanted something there wasn't much anyone could do to change his mind.

  Damon gave the king an exaggerated bow and turned toward the guards at the back.

  "Did you catch it that time?" Damon yelled.

  "Mr. Arkon, I'm not going to send you off on your own. I'm sure you understand. I need to have certain... assurances."

  King Glendorrys turned to the guards who all stood waiting for his command.

  "Who among you would like to accompany Mr. Arkon in the service of the king?"

  All of the guards except one took a step back. It gave the effect of making it look like that guard stepped forward.

  Damon examined the guard. He looked small even in his armor. Damon could tell that he was going to have his hands full with this one. There wasn't going to be much the guard could do in a fight. Damon wondered how King Glendorrys expected him to make it back alive with this guy as his companion. Damon shook his head.

  "Look, I don't need a babysi--"

  The guard removed his helmet.

  10

  Standing before Damon was the most female guard he had ever seen. In fact, it was safe to say that she was the only female guard he had ever seen. Of course, with most of them wearing helmets that covered their faces it was hard to say.

  The woman wore her reddish hair at shoulder length. Her eyes were green like a grass field covered in fresh rain on a spring day. Her nose was what could best be described as pixyish. Her lips were full and soft. Damon felt himself being drawn to them. He closed his eyes and puckered his lips as if to press them to hers. He slowly raised his arms imagining her held in his embrace.

  The woman cleared her throat. Damon snapped out of the reverie. He straightened his tunic as best he could with his hands being tied together. He kept his lips puckered a little longer in an attempt to make it look natural.

  Damon stuck out his bound hands. "Damon Arkon, The World's Greatest Swordfighter. Very pleased to make your acquaintance, Ms...?"

  The female guard strode forward.

  She stopped in front of Damon. She eyed him up. Damon gave her his best smile. The smile that had lured many women into his bed. The smile that he was sure would get him out of these chains just as soon as they were out of the king's view.

  The female guard spit in his face. The thick glob landed by his right eye and trailed slowly down the crevice made by his nose meeting his cheek to his bristly mustache underneath.

  The spectators laughed heartily.

  "Don't get out of line."

  "Well, Ms. Don't Get Out of Line," Damon wiped the spit from his face with the back of his hands, his smile unwavering, "Is there a Mr. Don't Get Out of Line?"

  The woman sneered at him.

  Damon continued unabated, "You'll be in good hands. Well, after I get these untied anyway. I assure you, I'll return you back here safely. There is nothing I can't do with a sword."

  It was King Glendorry's turn to laugh.

  "Sword? We're not going to give you a sword. Kaateria is going to make sure you get the ring and bring it back here. She'll be the one protecting you."

  "Who's Kaateria?" Damon asked.

  "I am you dolt," Kaateria, the female guard, responded.

  "Ok, fine. I guess that will work. As long as I get to spend time with this beautiful woman," Damon said. "Just don't expect us to hurry back."

  Damon gave Kaateria a wink.

  "Ha! Gross," Kaateria said.

  "While I have complete faith in Kaateria being able to avoid your..." King Glendorrys thought about the next word he wanted to use. It escaped him.

  He turned toward Tamyron.

  "Charms?"

  "You think? Is that what you'd call it?"

  Tamyron shrugged.

  "Charms," King Glendorrys continued. He moved his mouth around as if the word didn't taste quite right. "I'm not sending the two of you on your own. I'm sure she'll have to sleep at some time--"

  "Oh, I don't expect us to do much sleeping," Damon said.

  King Glendorrys and Kaateria both rolled their eyes. Some in the crowd groaned. Several more, mostly female, began to fan themselves with their hands. A few men elbowed the other men standing nearby.

  "Who among you would like to join Kaateria in service to your king?"

  The remaining guards looked back and forth at each other. Some of them averted their eyes all together. A couple of them scuffed their boots in the dirt. While some of them pointed at their comrades and shrugged.

  A giant of a man stepped forward.

  The rest of the guards visibly relaxed.

  The man's body was barely contained in his suit of armor. His hands looked like they could squish rotten pumpkins between them. He removed his helmet revealing a bald head. His face was weathered. He was two heads taller than Damon and thick as a tree. Damon felt pity for any woman who slept with the guy.

  He set his helmet down and kneeled before King Glendorrys.

  "It would be my honor to serve you, your highness," the man said keeping his eyes lowered as a sign of respect.

  "Thank you Belosic. You do this kingdom proud."

  Kaateria gave Belosic a nod of appreciation. He was one of the few guards she felt she could trust. He had often treated her kindly despite the fact that she was a woman in a male-dominated position.

  Belosic nodded back.

  Belosic walked over and grasped both of Damon's bound hands in one of his own. Damon was impressed with how strong his grip was.

  "Nice to meet you," Belosic said.

  "We'll see, won't we," Damon said.

  Belosic grinned and then threw his head back in a boisterous cackle. He gave Damon a couple hardy slaps to the back. Then Belosic turned to the King Glendorrys.

  "We'll get you that ring sire."

  11

  Belosic and Kaateria changed out of their heavy armor into more comfortable tunics and jerkins. They decided to forgo their armor so that they could travel quicker. They also didn't expect to run into any trouble. And if they did, they'd still have their weapons. Belosic wore a dark brown jerkin over his white tunic, while Kaateria's jerkin was dark red. They both wore pants, and light riding boots made of leather.

  Damon Arkon was also allowed a fresh change of clothes. He put on the black jerkin that he had been wearing when he originally entered the castle and a tunic that was no longer needed by one of the dead, handless guards. The tunic had a few flecks of maroon, but was otherwise white, and it smelled of something that Damon tried hard not to think about. He ran his fingers through his hair, smoothed out his beard, and exited the room.

  "Can you keep my sword somewhere safe until I return?" Damon asked King Glendorrys who was waiting out in the hall with Belosic and Kaateria. "It's my favorite."

  "No," King Glendorrys replied.

  "That's fair. No harm in asking though, right?"

  King Glendorrys did not respond.

  The group walked out of the castle and back into the courtyard. A crowd of spectators still remained waiting to see them off.

  A stable boy handed Belosic and Kaateria the reins to their horses. They didn't have any family to say good-bye to, so they mounted their steeds and prepared to leave on their quest. Whereas Kaateria
seemed to naturally fit her horse, Belosic looked like a grown man riding a miniature pony.

  Meanwhile, Damon was surrounded by a throng of bosomy women who he was finding to be quite handsy.

  Kaateria cleared her throat. She caught Damon's eye and indicated that it was time to go. Damon held up a finger asking for more time. Kaateria sighed impatiently and gave a very stern shake of her head.

  "Sorry, ladies, I really must be going. Duty calls. Fear not though! I'll be back. Someday."

  The stable boy helped Damon up on his horse. Literally his horse. The same one that he had ridden in on. A horse he could've easily gotten up by himself if it were not for his bound hands.

  "Buttercup, old friend," Damon patted the horse's golden fur. A white mark that resembled a cup on the horse's right butt cheek had made it easy enough to come up with a name. "Are you ready for another adventure?"

  Buttercup whinnied and snorted what Damon could only believe was consent. In actuality, the horse was sneezing. However, if she could talk, she probably would've said "no."

  "Let's ride!" Damon said snapping the reins and giving Buttercup a loving kick to her belly.

  But before he and Buttercup could gallop off, a lasso was thrown around Buttercup's neck. Buttercup's front hooves lifted up from the ground in fright as her forward momentum was constrained.

  "What the--" Damon grabbed the reins tightly to keep himself from falling off.

  "You didn't think we'd just let you ride free, did you?" Kaateria asked. She grasped the lasso in her hands.

  "Well, yeah, I kind of did," Damon replied. He shimmied his way back into a comfortable seating position on his saddle.

  "We can't have you riding off," Kaateria said. "If we lost sight of you, we'd waste more time getting you back than you're worth."

  "King's orders," Belosic added.

  "Ouch. Look, I'm a lot of things, but a man who rides off on a horse is not one of them. You don't become the world's greatest swordfighter by running away from fights."

  "How do you become the best?" Belosic asked.

  "Well, Belosic, that's a long and interesting story. Full of all kinds of bizarre twists and turns. Numerous crazy fights leading to even crazier deaths, a demon horde, a man with no clothes, a talking horse in the Desert of Shadows, an orgy that, strangely, I wasn't invited to, and a sword named 'Bertha.'"

  "Sounds fascinating," Belosic said.

  "Sounds like a bunch of horseshit," Kaateria retorted.

  "Sounds like it's time to get going," Damon said. "I'll fill you in on the details as we ride, Belosic. We start by heading east. I assume that I'm leading."

  Since there was no objection, Damon once again gave Buttercup a gentle kick and she started to trot.

  The crowd waved good-bye. A few of the women threw their undergarments at Damon. He didn't catch any of them. It was one of those things he would never get used to. Why would women, who maybe bathed once a month, think that he would want their underwear? What was the expectation there? He was a man on a mission, and that mission did not involve carrying around hundreds of women's soiled undies.

  "So it all started when I was born," Damon said as Belosic rode up alongside him. "Some people would say it was a miraculous birth and I would agree with them. It was a birth fit for a hero. A child who would grow to become a man of legend..."

  12

  "And that's how I got this scar," Damon said, lifting his tunic to show the long white scar twisting from his armpit to his belly button. "From there, it was only natural that I would be considered the world's greatest swordfighter."

  The trio had been riding for long enough that the sun had begun to set behind them. Damon and Belosic had hardly noticed though what with being caught up in Damon's tale. The ride was gentle enough. If they had passed anything of any importance they had failed to notice. Kaateria interrupted every once in a while to ask if they were still on the right path, but Damon always quickly assured her that they were and then promptly went back to regaling Belosic with his tale.

  "Wow. That's actually pretty incredible," Belosic said as Damon's story ended.

  "It would be incredible if any of it was true," said Kaateria.

  "You saw the scar, right? Women usually dig the scar. Do you need to see it again?" Damon asked as he reached to pull his tunic up again.

  "No, I don't need to see the scar again," Kaateria shook her head. "I've got enough scars of my own."

  "Also," Kaateria added, "Everyone knows Lance Polehea is the world's greatest swordfighter. He has paper that says as much." Kaateria reached inside her tunic and retrieved a rolled up piece of parchment.

  "Ha! Lance Polehea couldn't even hold my jock," Damon said. "He's tried. It did not go well."

  Damon snatched the paper from Kaateria. He unrolled it. In a very delicate hand was written: Lance Polehea, Voted World's Greatest Swordfighter in the Five Kingdoms. For Services Rendered and Price Inquiries, Send a Raven. Damon spit in it. Then he crumpled it and tossed it into the bushes that grew alongside the road.

  Kaateria rolled her eyes.

  "That was mine," she said.

  "Eh, you didn't need it. You're with me!"

  "After listening to that story, I have to say, it's shocking you're even alive," Belosic said.

  "I know, right?" Damon said. "It truly is an amazing story. One that you really have to hear to believe."

  "It was probably the most amazing thing I've ever heard," Belosic said. Even before joining the king's guard, Belosic had seen a lot violence and had heard a lot of tales of valor and romance over numerous pints of ale. None of those things rivaled the story Damon had just told him.

  Having finally concluded his story, Damon took a moment to take in their surroundings. Up ahead, he could see the path was about to split. He knew that this would be the first real test of their adventure. He hoped that they would pass.

  13

  Damon, Belosic, and Kaateria slowed their horses as they got to the fork. On one side was the fading sunlight playfully cascading through leaves on tree branches. Birds were chirping sweet melodies, the grass was a fresh, bright green, and you could hear the faint sound of laughter. On the other, was darkness. It was as if something was preventing all light from reaching that side. There didn't seem to be anything stirring on that side either. It was eerily calm. There was no grass to speak of, only churned up dirt. And it smelled of unwashed feet.

  "Which way do we go?" Kaateria asked Damon impatiently. She wasn't bothered by either path. Kaateria's main concern was getting this mission over quickly and successfully. She believed that once she and Belosic brought the ring back to Flenshorn that King Glendorrys would see to it that she received a higher rank and more responsibility.

  "That's a very good question," Damon said.

  "You don't know?" Kaateria was exasperated.

  "Let the man think," Belosic hushed her.

  "Thank you, Belosic."

  "Argh," Kaateria said.

  "Here's the thing," Damon said. "I've been on this road many times before. So I can say with complete confidence that both paths will get us to our final destination. However, one path will get us there much faster than the other."

  "Good, we'll take that one," Kaateria said. "Let's get moving."

  Damon held up a finger. "The other path though, while longer, will lead us to drinks and a warm bed. Have either of you ever been to the Wobblin Duck? Normally I wouldn't recommend it, as I've been told never to show my face there again. But, I don't know about you two, I could definitely use a drink."

  "We'll take the faster path. The sooner we can get this ring, the sooner I can get you and your continuously moving mouth out of my life."

  "What say you Belosic?" Damon asked. "You're the deciding vote."

  Belosic looked from Damon to Kaateria. They both watched him expecting Belosic to side with them.

  "I'm sorry," he said, his face dropping. His eyes reflected both the light path and the dark.

  14

&nbs
p; "You cannot be serious," Kaateria said. Her face registered her disgust. Her horse sensed Kaateria's frustration and flared its nostrils while pinning its ears flat back against its head.

  "Belosic, I knew since the moment I laid eyes on you that you were one of the good guys. Didn't I say that, Kaateria? That he was one of the good guys?"

  "No, you didn't." Kaateria shook her head. "You never said that." Her horse stomped at the ground.

  "Well, I definitely thought it." Damon tapped the fingers on his outside hand against his head.

  Buttercup whinnied in what Damon took as agreement. He patted her neck, thankful for her support. She had always been there for him. Except for that one time, but that was mostly Damon's fault. Although he wouldn't admit it to Buttercup, and he would never let her forget it.

  "The guy's been in jail for a day and almost got his dick chopped off. I think it's the least we can do," Belosic said.

  "The least we can do?" Kaateria was flabbergasted. "He was in jail and almost got himself killed because he slept with our future queen. His sleeping with her literally resulted in our future queen getting killed. It'll surely drive us into one of the worst wars in Flenshorn history. Least we can do? You've got to be kidding me."

  "Well, when you put it that way," Belosic said. His face had an apology to Kaateria written all over it. Thankfully it wiped off easily enough.

  "Nope, no take-backs," Damon said pointing at Belosic.

  Then he guided Buttercup to the left toward the path of darkness.

  "Ha! Just kidding," he said and swerved to the right toward the path that lead to the Wobblin Duck.

  The three riders picked up their pace wanting to get to the Wobblin Duck before nightfall. As they rounded the bend, two men stumbled out in front of them singing some kind of drinking song and swaying drunkenly. Their tankards spilled ale on the dirt riding path as the men leaned one way and then overcorrected to the other. Damon, Belosic, and Kaateria pulled up on their reins slowing their horses as they attempted to keep from trampling the two drunks.