The Devil's Cave: A Humorous Fantasy Novel (The Legends of Damon Arkon: The World's Greatest Swordfighter)

by Everson Cook

  15

  The taller of the men, a sloppily dressed fellow with bad teeth, rested his arm on his considerably shorter companion's shoulder.

  "Hey," Tim, the taller man, said with a hiccup, "Are you seeing what I'm seeing, Reggie?"

  "I don't know, Tim," Reggie replied. "What are you seeing?"

  Tim leaned forward, steadying himself on Reggie's shoulder. He squinted his watery eyes and stared. Reggie took a long sip of his ale as he waited. Finally, satisfied that he was seeing what he was seeing, Tim leaned back and nodded to himself.

  "That's Damon Arkon," Tim said gesturing at Damon with his tankard. Ale sloshed around in his mug and splashed to the ground. Tim took a big sip of ale and wiped his mouth with the back of his already wet sleeve.

  "The Damon Arkon? The World's Greatest Swordfighter, Damon Arkon? Impossible." It was Reggie's turn to squint.

  Damon turned to Belosic and Kaateria and said, "See. There are people who recognize greatness when they see it."

  "Like I'm going to take the word of a couple of drunks. Look at them. They can barely stand. They'd probably see you as a comfortable place to sleep if you gave them another pint or two," Kaateria scoffed.

  Damon ignored the insult and instead turned back to Tim and Reggie and said, "Possible!" It pained him that he couldn't throw his arms out as if to embrace, what Damon could only assume were, two of his legions of big fans.

  "Ha! I knew it," Tim slurred. He batted Reggie on the stomach with the back of his hand causing Reggie to spill some more of his drink. And his tummy to gurgle. "No one will ever believe that we saw the Damon Arkon just riding a horse. They'll call us liars for sure."

  "We could fight him," Reggie said. He took another drink.

  "I really don't think that would be in your best interest," Damon said. "Besides, I'm tied up." Damon raised his hands. "Do you really want to tell people that you fought me, Damon Arkon, while I was at a disadvantage?"

  "We're at a disadvantage," Reggie said. "We're drunk!" Reggie tipped his now empty cup over to emphasize his point.

  "Yeah, we are," Tim said. Tim chugged the rest of his mug. Then he and Reggie huddled together in a fit of laughter.

  It was during this fit of laughter that four other guys slipped out of the woods besides Damon, Kaateria, and Belosic.

  "Give us all of your money and nobody gets hurt," a squat, bald-headed man with a short, stubbly beard said. He aimed his sword at the three riders as he talked. The man stood out a little further from the other three. Damon pegged him as the leader.

  The three other guys snarled and did their best to look mean. One guy was tall and lanky. He wore some sort of floppy brown hat. His hair was curly. His eyes bulged out like blisters. The second guy wore clothes that were too big for him, with the sleeves being the worst offenders. They didn't even seem like they would be the correct length on the person that could actually fit inside the shirt. The cuffs were shredded from being dragged in the dirt. The man was growling and had flecks of spit dripping from his mouth. His orange hair hung limp on his head. The third guy, well, he only half-heartedly was snarling. And if he was being honest with himself, probably could've looked a little meaner. He was really only there because he was promised money and drink. Also, he was trying to sleep with the lead guy's sister. He figured if he spent time with her brother, her brother would be ok with it when he finally got around to bedding her. He didn't realize that there would be actual work involved. In either of his endeavors.

  All three of them stood behind their leader with their swords drawn. Even the third guy. Just because he wasn't that into it didn't mean that he wanted to be unprepared should things get complicated.

  "Surround 'em, boys," Binnicus, the leader, said leaning toward the three men behind him. His eyes never left Damon, Kaateria, and Belosic.

  The three scoundrels circled around the riders. Curly nodded hello to Tim and Reggie, who were slowly coming down from their giggle fit. Tim wiped a tear from his eye.

  "Good work Tim and Reggie," Binnicus said. "You guys'll be rewarded handsomely for your efforts."

  Curly turned to look at the rider standing in front of him. His eyes amazingly popped even further out of his head in surprise.

  "Uh, Binnicus..."

  "I said no names!" Binnicus snapped back.

  "But you said our names," Tim said.

  "Yeah," Reggie added.

  "Well, you're not part of the crew now are you?"

  Tim and Reggie's shoulders slumped. They looked like dogs who had just been kicked by their master. Or, fans of the world's greatest swordfighter who were made to look foolish in front of him.

  "But what if we wanted to be?" Tim asked. He had a hint of hope in his voice.

  Perking back up, Reggie nodded. "Yeah, what if?"

  "I'd say it's too late," Binnicus said.

  Tim scuffed his foot into the ground kicking a bunch of dirt into the forest in frustration.

  "Binnicus!" Curly said again.

  "Dammit, what is it, Curly?"

  Binnicus and Curly both slapped their hands over their mouths. Their eyes bulged. Their eyebrows rose. They slowly glanced at each other.

  Longsleeves jumped up and down excitedly. He furiously pointed back and forth at Binnicus and Curly. He cackled wildly as he clapped his hands like a monkey enjoying a funny joke.

  "Hey, they know your name too! Both of your names," Tim said pointing back and forth between Binnicus and Curly. "There's really no reason we can't be in the crew now. Right?"

  Reggie nodded his head vigorously. The nodding was so vigorous in fact, it built up the carbonation from the ale in his belly causing him to let out a loud, smelly belch. The thing was so explosive that it made the leaves rustle on the branches as if a quick breeze had just blown through.

  Everyone tried to fan the smell away from their noses with their flapping hands. They all failed.

  Reggie smacked his lips with satisfaction.

  "By the way, Damon, that's Longsleeves and that other fellow, his name is--"

  Binnicus drove his sword into Tim before he was able to give away the last name. Kaateria gasped.

  "Was that really necessary?" Damon asked. "That guy was a fan."

  "Damon?" Binnicus said confusedly as it dawned on him that one of the names was not a member of his gang. He turned back around slowly. At the same time he pulled his sword from Tim's belly leaving a sucking wound.

  Tim placed his hands on his stomach trying to ebb the flow of gushing blood.

  He looked from his belly back to Binnicus, "Hey, that hurt!"

  Tim's hands were red with blood.

  "I don't really want to be in the crew," Reggie said stepping away from Tim. "Not really a crew kind of guy." He shrugged. "Always been more of a loner actually. Until I met Tim..."

  "Oh my God! You're Damon Arkon!" Binnicus dropped his sword in amazement.

  Damon gave Binnicus a curt nod.

  "Seriously, that really hurt. And look at all of this blood," Tim said as he examined his hands. Streams of blood squirted from his body and splattered to the ground below. He quickly covered the wound back up.

  Binnicus looked at Tim in disgust. Then he motioned to Curly with his eyes and a tilt of his head in the direction of Tim. Curly picked up the signal.

  Curly stepped forward and drove his sword deeper into Tim's belly.

  "Ow!" Tim hollered. "What the--?"

  Curly pulled his sword out as he kicked Tim to the ground. He removed his hat and, placing the tip of his sword into the ground, bowed to Damon. "Big fan."

  "Thank you," Damon said.

  "That time you fought Balthazar the Blonde? That was awesome," Binnicus said.

  "That was a good one," Damon said. "Completely made him change his moniker."

  "My favorite would be when you fought in the Battle of the Tree People," Curly said.

  "A classic," Damon said nodding. "There were just so many Tree People." Damon frantically waved his hands and made a muted r
oaring noise to mimic the commotion. "It was kind of surprising actually.

  "I would have to say my favorite would be when you stole all of that money from the rich and gave it back to the poor," Tim chimed in. "And then you even let some of those poor people be in your crew. And you let them know your name and say it out loud."

  Damon opened his mouth as if to speak. Then closed it. He stared at Tim as if in thought. His eyes drifted from him to the sky.

  "Yeah, I, uh, I don't actually recall that one..." Damon looked at the others for help.

  Kaateria glared at Damon refusing to help him in any way. Belosic shrugged. Binnicus scratched the stubble on his chin and stared off into the forest as if it might contain the answer.

  "Well, that was Robin Hood, wasn't it?" Curly said with conviction.

  "Riiiiight," Damon said snapping his fingers. "Yep, wasn't me. I didn't think so. It didn't sound quite right. Sounded quite foolish actually."

  "Sorry," Tim said. "I'm just...I'm losing a lot of blood down here. I'm starting to feel pretty cold. Is anyone else cold?"

  Binnicus rolled his eyes in disgust. He caught Longsleeves eye and tilted his head in the direction of Tim. Longsleeves jumped up and down excitedly.

  Longsleeves bounced over to Tim and started kicking him. Just really letting him have it. He drove his foot into Tim's wound making a squelching noise as the tip connected with all of the blood that continued to pour out. When it didn't appear that the kicking was working, Longsleeves started adding some stomps to Tim as well.

  "Ouch!" Tim screamed. "Come on! Stop! Please?"

  Longsleeves gave him a couple more boots to the stomach. Binnicus swiped his hand across his throat indicating to him that it was time to stop. It didn't appear as though the kicking was doing much good. Longsleeves took a couple steps back and then launched a powerful kick to Tim's nuts. For good measure. Then he resumed his original place standing in front of Belosic.

  "Terribly sorry to bother you with all this Damon, Mr. Arkon, sir. If I had known--"

  "Maybe you could just give him a blanket," Damon said. "You heard him. He says he's cold."

  "Nah, he's fine," Binnicus said, waving off the suggestion.

  "How much longer are you going to be talking?" Tim asked.

  "What?" Binnicus said. His brow creased in annoyance of being interrupted.

  "I'm just wondering how much longer I need to hear you talking. I'm dying. And all I can hear is you blathering on. I really just want some quiet. Can't a dying man have some quiet?"

  It seemed like a reasonable request and in most cases it would be reasonably considered, but Binnicus and his crew weren't reasonable people.

  "Well, I'm pretty sure the quiet comes after death, right?" Curly said with the same level of conviction that he had earlier when he dropped that Robin Hood nugget.

  Damon nodded. It was true as far as he understood things. Once a person died, they were left with silence. No more nagging about how you weren't the world's greatest swordfighter, about how your father never loved you or he wouldn't have left, about how the rules are for everyone, or about how you shouldn't sleep with every woman you meet. Damon looked forward to that day of silence, but not too forward. Mostly just to the tip of his nose. Anything beyond that and he knew he was in trouble.

  Most dead people he knew were quiet themselves as well. Until they bloated with gas and began letting out noises that sounded like farts. He generally buried them before that. Generally. Sometimes he was in the mood for a prank though, and a farting dead guy was always good for a laugh.

  Binnicus turned to the fourth guy. He could never remember that guy's name. Luckily he knew Curly and Longsleeves and could just refer to the fourth guy as "you" or "hey you" or "other guy" and everyone knew who he was speaking to. Binnicus caught his eye and nodded toward Tim.

  The fourth guy shook his head.

  Binnicus moved his head a little more forcefully toward Tim.

  "Nope, I'm good." The fourth guy raised his hands in surrender. "In fact, does anyone else hear that?" The man looked this way and that. He cupped his ear as if that might help him hear whatever the sound was clearer.

  "Yep, sounds like my mom. My mom is definitely calling me. Sorry. Catch you guys later."

  The man gave a stiff wave to the group. Damon was the only one to wave back. The man jammed his hands deep in his pockets and pivoted on his heels in the direction that Damon, Belosic, and Kaateria came from not too long before. He began whistling an off-key tune. His sword slapped his thigh with each step. He wasn't entirely sure where he was going, but he knew that as long as it wasn't here, he'd be fine.

  Tim meanwhile continued to moan and scream.

  Kaateria turned to Belosic and mouthed, "We should do something." Belosic nodded his consent.

  Belosic dismounted from his horse. He strode over to where Tim laid on the ground. Tim's eyes widened as the large man stood over him. Belosic, gripping his sword in both hands, drove it through Tim's body with strength and precision. Tim's body spasmed exaggeratedly for a bit. His tongue fell out of his mouth, his eyes rolled back and his head drooped to the side. That was the end of Tim.

  "Jesus, that seemed, uh, pretty gruesome," Curly said.

  "Yeah, was that really necessary? What did Tim ever do to you?" Binnicus asked.

  "Are you guys being serious right now?" Belosic asked. He twisted his sword and slid it from Tim's lifeless body.

  "I mean, we were stabbing him and stuff, but we thought maybe after you left we'd load him up and take him to a healer," Curly said.

  "Yeah, one lives just right down that road. It can't be more than a mile," Binnicus said. "We've even got a cart."

  "Geez, Belosic," Damon said.

  "The man was dying. He was clearly in pain," Kaateria said.

  "This kind of puts a damper on meeting the Damon Arkon."

  "Completely understandable," Damon said forlornly. "I'm not too thrilled with it either and I'm actually Damon Arkon."

  Damon stopped talking and stared off into the distance. Kaateria was positive there was a period at the end of that sentence and for a moment she thought this was going to be a first.

  Then Damon added with a flourish:

  "The World's Greatest Swordfighter."

  "There it is," Kaateria muttered under her breath.

  "You know what? We'll, uh, we'll just go and get some more guys. Then meet back up with you eventually. And then we'll fight. We couldn't have taken on Damon Arkon with just the number of guys we had anyway," Binnicus said. "If it was just you two," he said gesturing toward Belosic and Kaateria, "it wouldn't have been a problem."

  Damon nodded in agreement. Kaateria glared at him. Damon shook his head vigorously in disagreement.

  Binnicus, Curly, Longsleeves, and Reggie stepped aside. The trio prompted their horses who continued to move down the path they were on. Damon swallowed hard. His throat was parched. He could really use a drink. And a pickle. Thankfully, it wouldn't be long until the arrived at the Wobblin Duck, he thought.

  16

  The patrons at the Wobblin Duck were exactly as Damon remembered them to be. They were unsteady on their feet and their clothes were wet. Hopefully just from the ale that was sloshing around when people clinked glasses or made their way to and from the bar. The floor was slippery in some spots and sticky in others. The air was sickly sweet from the smell of stale ale and the smoke from pipes filled with elderjoe that had permeated the wood. It was the kind of place a person would go to if they were in the area, but they would never go out of their way to visit. Yet somehow it was always packed. The patrons were a mix of farmers, serfs, the occasional lost or merely adventurous lord, women of impressive "assets," and the always-present Wanda.

  Wanda was a heavyset woman with an equally heavy chest and a large nose that made her eyes look impressive. She was almost always found standing behind the bar since she was the proprietor of the establishment as well as its head bartender. But at the end of the night, given e
nough ale, she could be found dancing with anyone who could still stand. Which usually meant she would be dancing by herself. Her hair was red and curly. It draped over her shoulders and ended at the slope of her chest. It always reminded Damon of a heart because everyone loved her. Wanda did not hold the same feelings toward Damon. She was mopping the sweat off her face and chest with a damp rag that was also used for cleaning the glasses when Damon entered.

  She grimaced when she saw him walk in with Kaateria and Belosic trailing behind. Damon gave her a wink and pushed his way past several men with beards, and one or two without, and several women without beards, and one or two with, to an empty table in the back corner. Some of the men, and all of the women, eyed Damon up as he took his place. Their attitudes toward him could best be described as varying.

  "I feel overdressed," Kaateria said as she took in the state of the women scattered throughout the different areas of the bar. The amount of visible flesh was almost equal to that of a brothel.

  "Let's see what we can do to change that," Damon said with a laugh. Then added, "Belosic, you've got this round, right?"

  Damon turned to see if Belosic heard him, but he was already up at the bar chatting with Wanda. Wanda pointed at a sign that read "No prisoners." Then pointed over at Damon. Belosic gestured back at Damon and said... something. Damon tried to read Belosic's lips, but it was hard to do with Belosic's back turned toward him. In the end it didn't matter as whatever was said worked. Wanda shrugged, and began filling up three tankards with ale.

  With Belosic distracted, Damon decided to put his escape plan into action.

  "That Belosic is ok in my book," Damon said. Then turning toward Kaateria added, "And you're not too bad either."

  "Gee, thanks," Kaateria said with mock sincerity.

  "On the eyes," Damon continued. "Not too bad on the eyes. I don't know that I'd want you with me in a sword fight. Belosic? Sure. But you? I mean, I guess if Belosic was dead and it was just you and me and after a couple minutes of waiting no one else showed up to join us, then ok."